Hello all! I am new to this site and the non-ADHD partner in my relationship. My (recently diagnosed) ADHD partner has a difficult time remembering things I tell him, I think because he is either distracted and not paying attention, or because he is listening on a superficial level and not really making meaning of what I am saying. He often doesn't ask questions even when he isn't fully tracking or would need more details/context to have a perspective. This could be about logistical stuff, but it causes the most problems when I want to share personal stories from my life. I find it hurtful when it feels like he doesn't know me well or try to know me well, and he feels bad about it but seems to feel it is impossible to behave any differently. He has often been avoidant when it comes to talking about my life because he is afraid he will fail and it will lead to conflict. Obviously this causes distance between us and is miserable. I know he wants it to be better and we need ideas!
I'm curious if anyone else experiences this, and if so, do you have a system or process you use to improve memory and/or deal with memory issues as they crop up? Thank you so much for reading!
Comments
Difficult issue
I’m sorry your partner isn’t able to know you intimately since he can’t concentrate or remember your stories.
Probably working with Melissa would be your most straightforward option.
My ADD partner couldn’t/wouldn’t read books. I think that may be an issue for somebody who can’t concentrate. So perhaps counseling?
A thought for you: will you be happy with a person who seems to lack interest in you? With ADHD, there are always explanations to why you as a partner can’t have your needs met. I’ve found in the end those explanations don’t matter so much. There’s still you, your need to be cherished and supported through life.
I had to leave my ADD partner after many years. I grieve it immensely, one of the reasons being that he always did show keen interest in me - prioritizing me despite severe executive dysfunction. If he hadn’t, whatever excuse there might have been, he wouldn’t have lasted a year.
Problem Solving
It occurred to me, that problem solving, will help improve memory. I think, different types of applications can serve different types of memory.
School or classroom education is good for some things but it's the equivalent to going to the gym and working only certain muscles by using only machines targeted for those muscles.
In contrast, if you use "free weights" at the gym, you're using your entire body and working all your body's muscles in a coordinated form. It's widely accepted that free weight training: dead lifts, squats, clean and jerk, etc....will make you the strongest ( overall ) instead of only working certain muscles and not others.
I equate that back to swimming as well. It's one excersise that works your entire body ( at the same time ) in repetitive motions, in a coordinated fashion.
The word: "training" comes to mind.
So based on that annology. "Whole mind training " ( like whole body training ) would equate to real world applications in problem solving, which would require you to think in multiple dimensions ( at the same time ) which draws off your memory.
In theory? Your brain lives inside your body as they say.