I have not posted in some time, hoping all would improve but it has not. My husband is very angry that I no longer trust him (big surprise when he neglects to inform me of funds used to support his business, lack of communication, and lack of follow through). I have attempted to share with him how trust is built through small actions (following up on what he tells me) but it appears he is so “hurt” by my lack of trust in him that he does not even comprehend. I want to trust him again, but am at a loss of how to tell him how to do things to build that trust again (he is clueless as to what he should do). Recommendations greatly appreciated!
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Comments
Is it possible?
Sorry about this.
I think in some of these situations, non partners need to not overwork themselves spoon-feeding ADD partners relationship remedies only to be yelled at. I know first hand how ADD can ruin trust over time. There was literally nothing I could do about it except exhaust myself and be treated poorly as a consequence.
Accountability
Accountability builds trust. He is deflecting here. He wants you to place blind trust in him that he hasn't earned and has broken in the past. That's on him, not you. He needs to rebuild trust one small action at a time over a long period of time for you trust that it's real. Big or small, if he says he'll do something, he needs to do it. He needs to be transparent regarding his business. And HE needs to be responsible for how he accomplishes those things with ADHD. Don't accept responsibility for his 'hurt' here. He's trying to make you the one who feels bad (even if unconsciously) so he doesn't have to. He needs to sit with these uncomfortable emotions and accept that HIS actions are the reason he's in this uncomfortable place. It took a long time to get where you are and it will take a long time to get back.
Very true - deflection is always present
Thank you for your insights. Sometimes I feel as if I am caught in a whirlpool of chaos and uncertain if what I am feeling/thinking is valid. Your comments really helped to show that I am on the right path. I am a person who always does what they say they will do, or at least will communicate if I am unable to accomplish it. It is very difficult for me to understand how my husband may not be able to follow through, but then is even unable to communicate that to me (when it would only take a moment a few words). He definitely has a lot of work to do to gain my trust again.