My not so neurotypical family of origin is ruled by a principle: nobody has a right to expect anything from the others, and nobody should feel obliged to make efforts.
This is nice for individuals. Makes everyone relaxed and guilt-free. However, it isn’t great for keeping extended family together, or to strengthen those who need it. Or to even out responsibility for family connection.
Being a mother of three, exhausted by carrying things alone in the ADD marriage and now trying hard to avoid burnout, I feel this extended family dynamic isn’t working. I’m the only one to arrange family gatherings, cook, decorate and invite the others. They always show up, and enjoy the gathering. But don’t reciprocate.
They rarely reach out to me at all, expecting me to take initiatives. If I don’t, they presume I don’t want to be in touch. But I’m exhausted from living with an ADD partner who also assumed I’d take every initiative.
The general message I get is they’re interested in connecting with my children, but not me so much. And they don’t hear themselves, being enthusiastic about my teenagers but forgetting to mention they like me too. It’s like I’m mostly there for the heavy work, so everyone else can have fun.
I’ve tried to discuss how we’d all like our extended family to socialize. But they shrug it off. They don’t want plans, or effort. They even said there’s no such thing as deciding on how to socialize, it’s not something that’s done, it’s something that happens.
I have other people in my life who would second me in that no, gatherings and connection is something made. But this family doesn’t see it that way.
I feel hurt. Taken advantage of. And unloved. Even jealous of my own children, who do little and receive all this love and praise.
People I love have told me to let go of these family members. I’m trying to, putting my attention elsewhere. But it hurts so much, just being on the phone with one of them and getting the situation confirmed once again in their carefree light tone of voice.
They are oblivious to what they do to me.
I just want to cry.
Comments
‘it’s not something that’s
‘it’s not something that’s done, it’s something that happens’ - because you make it happen!! They might notice if you stop…
It might be that this pattern in your family of origin (your role as selfless caregiver, nurturer, holder-of-things-together) is what set you up for the dynamics of your relationship with your partner- we do do this; I had a bit of a breakthrough yesterday in therapy about how this works in me (my lack of connection to self, caused by narcissistic parenting, very attractive and useful to my narcissistic ex). There could be something very liberating in just stopping.
If someone starts to wonder why nothing’s happening, tell the truth: you’re burned out, someone else needs to make the plans. Maybe suggest something lower key like meeting at a cafe or for a family walk.
The reality is that this will be easier for you, but you might still be sad because of the low or lack of effort made.
I’m afraid there are no easy answers but improving your feelings about the situation will probably help. I was very sad to lose a friend who behaved like this. I just stopped making all the running because it made me feel so horrible that she never reciprocated… and so now we only see each other vary rarely at a mutual friend’s house. I like her more now I’m not pursuing her. And she now wonders to a mutual friend what’s up with me… well I set some boundaries.
I had something too with my inlaws. No effort when we visited, loads of nagging about visiting, favouring the spoilt brat grandchild over my sweet kids; me driving there, cooking meals, buying groceries, fixing stuff, driving the old woman to the drs, while her ADHD sons sat around, and her very specifically thanking my ex for paying for meals out, when it was his card but the money I’d earned in our shared account.
But it is SO much harder and more hurtful with blood family. Can you draw too on the more empathetic individuals and hang with them separately?
Sending love and sympathy.
Thank you Honestly
Thank you for your kind words.
The empathetic ones are equally clueless. They don’t have basic perception about taking turns or sharing responsibility, or even social event manners (like thanking for things after, or sending messages with some enthusiasm, like that would be too bourgeois, or they’re too good for it). They imagine their doing things the way they prefer is normal, and see no reason to reflect on themselves. Even one-on-one time with them is draining and stressful as they let me carry everything alone. When there’s an unexpected mishap and I’m visibly stressed, they will back off and let me handle it.
But they occasionally say I shouldn’t do everything alone. They don’t expect me to, they say. Only they can’t get off their asses to come up with ideas themselves.
I feel I don’t only need to be responsible for my relationships with them single-handedly. I also have to make every suggestion for them to see my precious teenagers. It’s not like anyone else has ideas.
These are people with a lot of time, in good health and with comfortable financial situations. I have none of this.
I guess all siblings feel they are the disadvantaged one in the family. I know I’m not - having enjoyed a lot of support and kindness from parents over the years. But the fact is I’m the only one who was brought up to be selfless and take care of others, albeit indirectly and in a disorganized, confusing way involving a lot of guilt. And now this disastrous marriage, starting as a project of love and equality, has scraped me bare of all my resources. The end result is I watch my family of origin with horror, as they make me feel even more alone and unappreciated. I’ve never needed them more than now. So yes, it hurts.
Your dreadful in-law family also sounds like something that could speed up divorce. Mine had absurd expectations of me, too. Guess they didn’t know how little my ex contributed to the family, but I got the impression they thought it right I did all household work with baby and toddler, while bringing in all the money for the family. And then they told me his needs were much more important than mine. I cut them off years before divorce.
My trauma therapist tries to get me out dating. Seems I really need new people to call family.
It sounds so exhausting. And
It sounds so exhausting. And all on other people’s behalf. You do need something that’s just for you.
Hugs
So sorry you're dealing with this Swedish. I've seen similar in my family, maybe not to this extent, and it really hurts.
I think Honestly gave you amazing advice. These relationships are never going to be what we want them to be most likely, so the only thing we can do is what's best for us. If they want to see you or your teens, then let them come to you to make plans. If they don't, that's on them. Disappointing for sure, but way less work for you. Their relationship with your kids is THEIR responsibility. And if they notice you're not doing the things you used to and say something, you can just tell them straight up in a kind way that you're not doing it anymore and they are welcome to arrange/host something.
I had to draw a hard line in my family this year over the holidays (not in words, but actions). It was uncomfortable, but it's amazing how freeing it feels once you start to put yourself and your needs first. And it gets easier to do the more you do it. I was the fun facilitator too in my family for two decades and I'm utterly done with it.
Melody
Thank you for sharing and for your kindness.
It’s a good thought, that a parent ultimately isn’t responsible for their teens’ contact with extended family. I assumed I was.
I felt every nice thing done for my children by family put me in debt.
No wonder people like me are bad at asking for help.
Hugs, Melody
Lack of initiative
Lack of initiative is the most glaring symptom of the ADD I’ve encountered. The person is
A) unable to initiate things or so insecure or vague about initiative they avoid it
B) comfortable waiting for others to initiate every time
C) unaware they burden others unequally with keeping the mutual relationship going
D) unaware their seeming disinterest might be hurtful or insulting to others
E) unaware that their lacking initiative forces others to also take responsibility for the content of socialization, like invitation, conversation topics, what’s enough, what suits everyone
F) unable to see the accommodation made for them by others
I’ve had endless experiences of this passivity in my ADD ex, but also in all my original living family. Have felt responsible alone for these relationships. Also ashamed for leaking so much pain and frustration into them. Wish I hadn’t tried so hard to be close to everyone, explained my needs, or shared with them.
Now it’s so painful to see family I avoid any situation with them except hosting them at home for some holidays and birthdays. Since these events are for having a good time and I control them, I feel safe.
I don’t know what to do if the present situation continues - I regularly host people who haven’t ever invited me to anything, people who’ve invited me twice in ten years, people who expect me to visit at their guesthouse or their home but never with an actual invitation, preferring I initiate this, and define how it’s to be done, and how I should prepare for it, travel a considerable distance, and generally make it pleasant for everyone.
It’s not sustainable of course. But no family at all, or seeing everyone awkwardly only once a year at Christmas, is even worse.