it's been some time since I've been able to post. And to be honest, nothing has gotten better - if anything it's gotten so much worse and I need a safe space to vent/cry/relate and all the things in between.
I've been doing the work on myself big time. It's been hard and uncomfortable and there have been some big life changes as well that are very positive for ME as a person - and not as me as a wife or mom. The changes mean that I must put down the To Do list and things that are causing a lot of anxiety and I must start communicating on my needs/desires/wants. The problem is, is that this is incredibly hard for me to do (due to a mix of childhood, bad patterns and all that s*** that rears its head when a Non is in a long-term relationship with someone spicy) so when I do get the courage to ask for what I need, stand up for myself, set boundaries (and actually enforce them for myself instead of expecting someone else to adhere to them) the level of defensiveness from my spouse is off the charts. And I'm not exagerating at all. It's this continuous assault on every.thing.I.say. Every. Little. Thing.
But what I'm seeing now feels like such a clearer picture and I'm trying to do somehting really radical with myself that is incredibly out of my comfort zone - stop telling myself lies. This means, stop excusing my spouses behaviour and passing it over and start standing up for myself and my values. For example - my ADHD spouse used the home office yesterday and long story short, it was a MESS. But he said NOTHING about it, didn't acknowledge it or anything, just said his call went fine. Ok then. The next morning (today) I asked politely (after considering what time to talk to him etc bc he's just teetering on a cliff edge every day in regards t ohis emotions - he has 0 emotional regulation) if he could straighten the office before 10am as I need to get some work done. It was that bad, just things out of place, stuff on the desk - basically I could not just set up my laptop and work. For me, Id be embarrassed to leave a place that I used like that for the next person. It's a consideration (or lack of tbh). And what happened when I made this request? he went OFF about how he had an accident and for god sake it wsa only a few books (didn't even notice the books - it was more the hammer (?) on the desk along with the piles of things strewn about) and his back hurt so he couldn't clean up... etc. So I calmly asked if this meant he needed me to pick it all up and he went OFFF again. And my 11 year old son hear it all. He ain't stupid. (I have no idea what to do about that and it's so dibilitaing on how to even begin to face this dilema). And I just shut down. It's so toxic and I have no idea how to deal with it or anything. I don't know myself anymore or why I behave like this.
But I calmed myself down and to bring it around full circle, my realisation is this: I didn't sign up for this. And if I didn't sign up for this, how do I even begin to address it? I don't deserve and don't like how my spouse treats me. I hate that this is modelled for my son. But I've done the work and doing the work and know that I don't live in my values and this marriage is quite literally making me sick.
*And Before anyone says 'leave' - I have NO Idea where to go and dang it, this is my house too.
And in an effort to stop lying to myself (I get the Mark Manson emails if anyone else gets them too - that one really stung but it was someting I needed to hear) I calmed myself down after my spouse just lost it, and asked myself if I can get my work done in the place looking like it did - and I couldn't so I cleaned it up. I cleaned up after my almost-48 year old grown man. And he's not a grown man, I am married to a person who is stunted emotionally in his teens and he behaves like it every day. Every. Day. But this time, I felt a bit different because I cleaned up, not from a state of resentment, but instead I cleaned up for myself and what I knew I deserved and I looked after myself in that moment and it felt good. This is the first time in 5+ years I've had a job that is at an office so it's been amazing to get out and socialise and build a community elsewhere.
So with all that in mind - I didn't sign up for this. But I also know these truths: My husband is a stranger to me. I don't want to be in a marriage that doesn't serve me. While I do not have hope, I know that I want to look back and believe I did everything that was possible - short of doig the work of 2 people (which I can't) and if I have to walk away, I will. If my spouse decides to fight and stay in the marriage, then he's gotta step up. I also know that our next step will either need to be marriage couselling or mediation to discuss separation - there is no other options in my opinion. We suck at communicating, our relationship is 100% broken and I am not even sure I like him let alone in love with him. Things have gotten so bad they just suck all around. All the time.
With all these truths and knowing this - like, WTF is my next step? Where do I even face - let alone go - from here with this knowledge? It sits in me, it wakes me up at night.
And for what its worth - I do the 'things' - i get sleep, i exercise, I eat good food, I do need to work on resting, but otherwise, my marriage is the highest form of stress for me. And I can 'Mel Robbins' it all day and night but eve nshe agrees - you can "let them' but it doesn't take away the pain. But if this pain is this consistent and it's there every day, well now I feel I'm in the suffering category and I don't want to be in this anymore. I want to thrive, not survive.
Thoughts and I truly do welcome them from both sides. They are appreciated.
Comments
It is your house too
I truly get that.
When these levels of stress arise in the relationship it’s all about that I think. You’re in your safe place, and it isn’t safe. You can’t make it safe by creating boundaries or standing up for yourself, since ugly emotional reactions from your partner to boundaries make your home less safe. You can’t be safe by accepting ADHD and being submissive to it either, since the stress is detrimental to your health.
People outside the family who don’t see this can never fully appreciate how bad it is. Which means one’s parents, siblings, acquaintances and friends are not supportive like they might have been if there were domestic violence or something more universally recognizable.
I believe the ADHD partner in a downward spiral of relationship distrust will feel they are the victim. They consider themselves the hurting party, the disabled one not receiving the love and support they deserve. They are not doing well, and their hurt makes them incapable of seeing how they’re affecting the non partner.
Even if they’re extremely emotionally intelligent. Even if they are carers, professionals. Even if they truly love you. This is my experience.
When we cohabit and coparent we give a partner the keys to our health and well-being. It’s the ultimate act of trust. If the partner can’t handle it well, we are helpless in our homes.
Off the Roller, I’ve followed you and I’m concerned.
As for your question, how to go from here, I don’t have advice. As you know for me it was a doctor who told me to ask for divorce. Perhaps there are other ways to seek guidance, but from people or institutions I guess who will want to protect you as an individual, and your child, not marriage itself.
Truth speaks
I appreciate you coming back and your concern. Everything you said rings true for me but I gotta digest it as well.
next step
my next step, from more or less where you are, was to ask for a divorce. He was absolutely stunned and horrified. No idea that years of talking to me like I was s**t on his shoe would make me feel that way. Or his hygiene issues. Or the not listening to me on a micro or macro level. He would never want to break up with me and he’d die if I left him. So be prepared for a big reaction, I’m saying. Be prepared for No Idea You Were Unhappy; You Should Have Told Me. (I did; I asked nicely for change and was ignored and asked more assertively and was called passive aggressive and I blew up occasionally and was told I was assassinating his character, but none of what i was saying ‘had seemed important’ )However horrible he is to you on a day to day basis, however much it seems like he just doesn’t like you, he won’t want to lose you because you are his outbrain; you’re his walking Executive Function. I now feel more stuck than ever because of that suicide threat, but I’m also not lying to myself or friends or family anymore. They saw the dysfunction years ago, btw; they just never saw my unhappiness because I wouldn’t show it.
So next step: difficult. Be prepared for utter astonishment from him. Mine believed himself to be perfect. His diagnosis of ADHD has shaken him to the core as to him this means there is something ‘wrong’ with him, and he can’t blame me entirely anymore for my ‘negativity’ or lack of patience (‘you’re so patient with the children when they do stuff like that; why can’t you be that patient with me?’; um, because they’re children and you’re my adult partner) but he can now blame this condition which is not his fault and somehow separate from ‘him’ and so he can’t be held accountable for any pst behaviour and he’ll take the meds and be better and then I won’t want to leave. Never mind the 25 years of hurt.
Prepare. Decide what you want the outcome to be and aim for that, and don’t hear his protests. Unless he’s in the depths of psychosis, kindness has always been a choice open to him. He chooses not to be kind; every time he flares up he’s choosing to see you as a threat. The effect of that on your wellbeing - to go in with calm words and manners and good intentions and be treated like a threat - is corrosive longterm for you - it erodes your sense of self, your sense of your own virtue, your sense of reality. But when you you finally DO threaten HIS wellbeing - threaten to take away the emotional, practical and psychological support, he will really feel it and probably express it in a similarly extreme way to my husband.
I am wiffling on; sorry. Much of this my stuff and not yours and not universal. But what is universal I guess is the need to be strong and try and value yourself in this. ADHD Marriage can wear out any sense that you are worth anything at all - for me it had been effectively half my life of being told I am an awful person for asking for some small proportion of my needs to be met. That has been a huge psychological struggle to get anything like straight, especially given my experience of narcissistic parenting. He’s dependent on you, he won’t let go lightly. But if you don’t get out, your chances of living a happy life are so very very limited indeed and as you say, do you want that modelled for your son; either that it’s okay for a partner to dish that out, OR that a partner should just take it?
Spotlight on myself
Everything you said as well rings true for me. Thabk you taking the time to write it. Its appreciated so much.
It has me wondering if I'm so paralysed by leaving and the fear of unknown, that I'm subconsciously but purposely choosing not to talk to him bc I know I want to try couselling (but telling myself if he doesn't jump in then I gotta jump) and thrn probably mediation. It's just his reactions are so chaotic it's debilitating to have to deal so much with the shrapnel.
‘shrapnel’ is so right!
i am in an avoidant phase now; totally beyond reconciliation but unable to move forward. Any breakup is hard, and when you’re dealing with ADHD and the undermining and explosions that go along with that, there’s a self-protective hunch you go into; I’m like an armadillo at the moment, just curled into myself with my shell and my back towards him. I’m a teacher, professionally, and am trying to apply Growth Mindset approaches to my own position. I have come a long way already; if right now I am tucked into a ball and immobile it doesn’t mean won’t ever uncurl and start moving again.
Interesting That you Mentioned "Avoidant Phase"
Honestly,
I recently noted a shift in my behavior too. More like something just snapped from one thing that was said. I already avoid conversations to keep the peace and avoid conflict, but my SO was the one who brought up sex the other day ( which is a subject that is not talked with intention on my part ).
The subject was actually about intimacy, and in her mind ( as it appears ) she's adaquately satisfied with the physical intimacy level we have right now. No real outward signs that she's not getting enough from: hugging, 10 minute snuggling, momentary kissing, holding hands, and sleeping together and putting our arms on each other. I love all of this and it even becomes more important ( and satisfying ) when your not having sex.
I mentioned I was still working through the idea of never having sex again and adjusting to as time goes on. I told her Im "working through it " but have accepted this as part of our relationship and am no longer feeling distressed about over it ( a good thing ). I did make mention that all those other forms of physical intimacy cannot even come close when comparin them to actually having sex. About 10 to 100 ratio, so it's been a difficult adjustment. It's simply a big deal, to deal with, and some days are easier than others. I said this calmly in a matter of fact manner. Just communicating my honest feelings, nothing else behind it. More of an update on my the current state of my transition
Her reply took me by surprise and I'm still trying to process to decide what it actually means?
As I'm right in the middle of telling her I'm feeling much better about not having sex, but yet, its a process and getting better, she says: "I'm so tired of feeling bad over this, why don't you just go and buy a hooker and go get your rocks off."
First off, as a fantasy, that certainly would take care of my physical needs without question. I don't even have a problem with the idea, and on a moral level, I don't see anything wrong with it. It would however, do nothing for my emotional needs and the connection we have with each other which is what is more important. As I said before, the connection is what I really want more than sex.
I asked " so you want an open marriage?" and she said no, not really. I concurred, that's not what I want either.
This is where it gets confusing to me, but at the same time, I'm beginning to see the bigger picture. As I hear here, the stress, guilt, pressure, whatever ....of not providing sex for me...she'd rather just feel better if I went to a hooker ( her word ) nstead. Yet, I really don't believe for a minute that she wants me to start using a sex worker. If on the outside chance, she had sex outside our relationship....this might make herself feel better if I did to.
But I honestly don't think that's it. My gut tells me, she legitimately has 0 desire or libido for sex and is functionally asexual right now. It's what she's contended all along.
I also believe, she did muster enough together at first, to have sex with me because she felt she needed to or I would stay. I believe this may be true.
So now, at this time, sex to her sounds so unappealing and would require so much internal energy and work ( or what ever other mental gymnastics it would take ) to just have sex even one time....it's just not worth it for her to do. There's literally nothing in it for her and she's just fine with the intimacy level we have ...just as is.
So much so, that if I pushed her any more, which I don't, or remind her in any way how difficult it is for me....she would rather me just go get it someone where else, instead of endure trying to have sex even one time.
But here's the deal. I don't want sex just once. I want a sex life. I don't need sex so bad, that I have to go to a sex worker. That would be cold emotionally, like going to get a hair cut. It's not what I want....and I can easily pass on that option, even if she's sincerely saying it's okay.
I'm accepting, what I have is all there's going to be. I can choose to stay or leave, but this is as good at it gets. Expecting it to change is where the problem exists. Am I happy with the level physical intimacy? I am because I get the connection I want moat.
But when she offered the hooker as a suggestion....that's when something snapped. I'm Turing much more avoudant...and that's the shift. It's just too much work and effort, and not worth my emotional sanity. I've gone from desiring it more than anything, to not desiring it at all. I don't want a hooker either. I just don't care anymore.
Honesty. This is one thing I know. Insecure attachments are still Insecure. Whether they are anxious or avoidant....neither one are ideal. Being avoudant comes without the anxiety ( of not caring ) but with not caring, that comes with many other things you don't want.
It's best not to be either, and be secure. If you aren't secure, you're not being your true authentic self.
This is what I'm working on now....despite feeling better ( being more avoident ) its not the answer I'm looking for, and ultimately won't make be feel better.