This is my first time posting here. My ADHD husband and I have been together for 7 years (married 5) and just recently discovered he most likely has ADHD. We are not able to get a professional evaluation and consultation, since they are very expensive in my country and due to our BIG debt, we are living paycheck to paycheck, so I'm not able to save enough money for now.
I thought that discovering the ADHD and finally putting a name and an explanation to our problems will help, but that hasn't been the case. He's still gets angry for the smallest of things, he is very impatient, his foul language (to others) makes me beyond uncomfortable, his constant deflection (everything is my fault) and his lack of physical affection has my mental health DESTROYED.
As most of the people in here, I fell in love of his hyperfocused state and have been now slowly loosing respect for him. I love my husband, but I'm not in love with him anymore. I'm constantly anxious and walking on eggshells, afraid of any anger outburst he may have, so must of the time I don't talk, so I don't spark any discussions or conflicts. I'm just sooo exhausted, tired and angry! I used to be the happiest person on earth, so much that people would say I "smiled" with my eyes. But that spark, along with my smile, is gone.
He knows he has to work on it, but doesn't know how to. We can't get therapy because it's too expensive, and he doesn't want to take medications, because you know how ADHD people get sometimes about that subject.
He is a good person deep in his heart, and I know for certain he loves me like no one else. I love him and I don't want to divorce him, but it feels like no matter what I choose, I will not be happy. Either I divorce him and lose the man that I love, or stay in a marriage that I don't know if I will ever be truly happy in.
I feel like if I divorce him, I'm doing what everybody did his whole life: making him feel like he doesn't deserved to be loved, because of his ADHD.
Any advise and/or encouragement is appreciated!
Comments
So hard
You share this predicament with so many of us here. It’s terribly hard. If there’s genuine love in the marriage alongside with suffering, there is no easy way forward.
I feel like I’ve added injury to my ex husband by leaving a year ago. He wasn’t doing well, and he really needed me for support. He’d lost a lot already because of his difficulties.
If it’s any comfort, we failed to save our marriage despite having a lot of excellent care and therapy. No amount of it could compensate for his decreasing executive functioning and hazy self-awareness. The stress was ruining both his health and mine.
I don’t feel guilty about leaving. My primary responsibility is the children and sticking around for them. I couldn’t let myself be dragged down and destroyed.
But I grieve.
You are not alone.
Thank you for your kindness
Thank you Swedish. "If there’s genuine love in the marriage alongside with suffering, there is no easy way forward. "
I will keep this phrase in mind. You're right, in this situations at the end of the day, there's no win-win situation.
So I need to reflect and think of what I need in my life.
Great tip
Thank you Wrong-thunder. Yes, seeing this community here has brought me a lot of comfort and good advice. This has been a safe heaven, because people here understand the struggle and the inner battle. Out in the world people would just say “why don’t you just get divorced?”, as if it was that easy for us. But here I feel heard and understood…
Good to hear that you are
Good to hear that you are being supported.
I'm so sorry you're feeling
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way—this sounds like such a painful and exhausting situation. You clearly care deeply for your husband, and your love and patience shine through, even in your frustration. It’s understandable that you feel torn between staying and hoping for change or leaving and feeling like you’re abandoning him. But your feelings, well-being, and happiness matter just as much as his.
Even without therapy, there are small, practical steps that could help. There are free online ADHD resources, books, and support groups that might offer guidance for both of you. Setting boundaries, learning de-escalation techniques, and finding ways to communicate more effectively could make a difference. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells in your own home—that's not sustainable.
ADHD isn’t an excuse for mistreatment, and it sounds like you’ve already sacrificed so much of yourself to keep the peace. You deserve to feel safe, respected, and loved in a way that nourishes you. No matter what you decide, you’re not failing him. You’re just trying to take care of yourself, and that is completely okay.
Thank you...
Thank you Gadi... "You deserve to feel safe, respected, and loved in a way that nourishes you." I often forget this, because of my self-sacrifice complex. I tend to put everybody's needs and wants before mine because I thought at first it was the right thing to do, but now I think it's because everybody just expects that from me.
I'm always the patient one, the kind one, the selfless one, the one you can count on no matter what... and lately living with this rolls is taking a heavy toll on me.
Thank you for your encouragement. You are all absolutely right!
I don't want to let him go, but I deserve to be safe and happy... so I'm going to keep learning and getting support, so that if things don't work out... I don't have any regrets.
It sounds like you're
It sounds like you're carrying a lot, and I just want to acknowledge how hard that is. It’s not easy to break out of the role that others have come to expect from you, especially when you’ve been the one always putting others first. But your feelings, needs, and well-being matter just as much as anyone else’s.
It’s really powerful that you’re recognizing this and allowing yourself the space to learn, grow, and seek support. You absolutely deserve to feel safe, respected, and happy—without guilt or compromise. No matter what happens, prioritizing yourself isn’t selfish; it’s necessary.
If you ever need additional support, Mental Health Connect is a great resource to explore.
Wishing you strength and clarity on your journey. You’re not alone in this
dear Great tip
dear Great tip
I’m so glad this community has been a source of comfort for you. You’re absolutely right—people who haven’t been in this situation often don’t understand the depth of the struggle, and it’s not as simple as just walking away. Your feelings and experiences are valid, and it’s so important to have a space where you feel truly heard and supported. You’re not alone in this, and I hope you continue to find strength and encouragement here.
Thank you!
Thank you Gadi for your kind and warm words. These past couple of days, things have been better. The support I've felt here has given me the courage to speak up more about my needs and concerns. My husband has been truly making an effort to not upset me, or to be more thoughtful with his words.
I suffer from anxiety too, so I know some things I overthink them too much as well; but my husband has been truly making an effort to not upset me, or to be more thoughtful with his words.
So for now, I think we have hope on working things out. We're still learning how to treat and speak to each other in a way that doesn't trigger our respective conditions, but I think that if we take it step by step, one day we'll get there.
It sounds like you're
It sounds like you're carrying a lot, and I just want to acknowledge how hard that is. It’s not easy to break out of the role that others have come to expect from you, especially when you’ve been the one always putting others first. But your feelings, needs, and well-being matter just as much as anyone else’s.
It’s really powerful that you’re recognizing this and allowing yourself the space to learn, grow, and seek support. You absolutely deserve to feel safe, respected, and happy—without guilt or compromise. No matter what happens, prioritizing yourself isn’t selfish; it’s necessary.
If you ever need additional support, Mental Health Connect is a great resource to explore.
Wishing you strength and clarity on your journey. You’re not alone in this
try writing a dairy
Imagine yourself in 10 years time. Write an account of a day in that life. Do you want to be living like that then? It might help clarify things.
Good idea!
Thank you Honestly. That is a great idea! I actually have a dairy, but I've never thought of writing my distant future instead of my present. I'll definitely give it a try!