This is my first time posting here. My ADHD husband and I have been together for 7 years (married 5) and just recently discovered he most likely has ADHD. We are not able to get a professional evaluation and consultation, since they are very expensive in my country and due to our BIG debt, we are living paycheck to paycheck, so I'm not able to save enough money for now.
I thought that discovering the ADHD and finally putting a name and an explanation to our problems will help, but that hasn't been the case. He's still gets angry for the smallest of things, he is very impatient, his foul language (to others) makes me beyond uncomfortable, his constant deflection (everything is my fault) and his lack of physical affection has my mental health DESTROYED.
As most of the people in here, I fell in love of his hyperfocused state and have been now slowly loosing respect for him. I love my husband, but I'm not in love with him anymore. I'm constantly anxious and walking on eggshells, afraid of any anger outburst he may have, so must of the time I don't talk, so I don't spark any discussions or conflicts. I'm just sooo exhausted, tired and angry! I used to be the happiest person on earth, so much that people would say I "smiled" with my eyes. But that spark, along with my smile, is gone.
He knows he has to work on it, but doesn't know how to. We can't get therapy because it's too expensive, and he doesn't want to take medications, because you know how ADHD people get sometimes about that subject.
He is a good person deep in his heart, and I know for certain he loves me like no one else. I love him and I don't want to divorce him, but it feels like no matter what I choose, I will not be happy. Either I divorce him and lose the man that I love, or stay in a marriage that I don't know if I will ever be truly happy in.
I feel like if I divorce him, I'm doing what everybody did his whole life: making him feel like he doesn't deserved to be loved, because of his ADHD.
Any advise and/or encouragement is appreciated!
Comments
So hard
You share this predicament with so many of us here. It’s terribly hard. If there’s genuine love in the marriage alongside with suffering, there is no easy way forward.
I feel like I’ve added injury to my ex husband by leaving a year ago. He wasn’t doing well, and he really needed me for support. He’d lost a lot already because of his difficulties.
If it’s any comfort, we failed to save our marriage despite having a lot of excellent care and therapy. No amount of it could compensate for his decreasing executive functioning and hazy self-awareness. The stress was ruining both his health and mine.
I don’t feel guilty about leaving. My primary responsibility is the children and sticking around for them. I couldn’t let myself be dragged down and destroyed.
But I grieve.
You are not alone.