Hi. I am new here and am grateful to have found a place to go.
- I am 50 years old and have been a school psychologist for 25 years (which is ironic considering the personal life I've only recently come to know is mine).
- I have been with my husband for 31 years, married for 24.
- We have two children; a girl turning 17 in a couple of months (11th grade), and a boy who recently turned 14 (8th grade).
- Less than 8 years ago my husband realized that the ADHD symptoms explained in the book Driven to Distraction outlined his entire life as a child right on into his adulthood.
- Our daughter was diagnosed with ADHD- inattentive type 7 years ago. Our son does not have ADHD.
- To my knowledge my husband has addressed his self-diagnosed ADHD using mindful approaches such as meditation and breathing. He engaged in individual therapy for an unknown period of time. It's also unknown whether his therapist specialized in ADHD, or even if he ever pursued a formal clinical diagnosis of ADHD at any point to date.
- Our daughter has not received any formal treatment, besides beginning a low dose of anxiety medication as of 6 weeks ago (the dosage was recently increased). She has also had a 504 Plan in school since 4th grade.
Late to the party, I finally read Driven to Distraction 6 years ago. However, as the non-ADHD partner, I spent the last 5 years reading other book genres in an effort to focus on my own self-improvement with the hope that it would also improve my relationship with my husband. It wasn't until a month ago that I read The ADHD Effect on Marriage, which resonated the most and allowed me to stumble onto this website and forum. Now, I am reading Married to Distraction and am looking forward to delving into some of the other Hallowell books.
Clearly for 30+ years I'm guilty of perpetuating the action, reaction, reaction cycle with my ADHD spouse. As a non-ADHD parent of an ADHD teenage daughter, I find myself doing the same nagging and am having a hard time separating what parenting it is supposed to look like when her bedroom seems to be beyond what is typical for a teenager among many other aspects of disorganization, struggles with time-management, etc. The tip of the iceberg was tonight when she realized she didn't know where her school backpack was and couldn't remember where she had left it 6 days ago (the last day before winter break). So, I find myself here for support and even tips on how to do better as a mom and wife. Thank you.
Treatment?
Submitted by Swedish coast on
It sounds to me like none of your ADD family members have tried stimulants (for my child life-changing for the better)? Have they had extensive work ups?
As a health care professional in another field I'm aware that one is never very professional with family or friends. In your situation I'd avoid getting involved at all as psychologist but to leave all evaluation and treatment to other experts. With your knowledge I'm sure you can find the best help available.
In my family it's been the mental health care professional who's turned out to be severe ADD after many years. Very unpleasant too.
I don't envy you your role here, to be honest. Being very understanding and compassionate but still enforcing boundaries to protect one's own sanity may be hard enough for us who aren't psychologists.
I would insist on optimized treatment for your husband and daughter before you try even harder to not react to their symptoms.
our reaction to their dysfunction
Submitted by Haveaniceday on
Swedish, your last line is important. How hard we have to try to not react to their symptoms is what makes it untenable. I mentioned the other day that I was fairly sure I was at least a bit depressed. My husband said then I should go onto antidepressants. So I said, I'm not going to medicate myself to deal with your ADHD, if you wont even medicate yourself for our own ADHD. Madness.
@Swedish coast, thank you for your response
Submitted by a look into the... on
Thank you. I appreciate your response. The thing about referencing my profession was to point out the irony of my own blindness for over half of my marriage. I feel my husband has completely shut down (distracted in his own world) for the better half of a decade, so I am sort of in the dark about anything else he has pursued since his discovery and self-diagnosis 8 years ago. Our daughter did have an extensive work up resulting in an official clinical diagnosis a year later (which was 7 years ago) that validated my husband's self-diagnosis given the prevalence of inheritable traits. You are correct that my daughter has yet to try a stimulant. A month ago her dad and I sat in the pediatrician's office discussing medication and I questioned why the doctor recommended going anxiety route rather than the ADHD route in terms of treatment because even if our daughter feels less anxious the etiology of the ADHD is still not being addressed. My hope is for a follow up discussion about treating all of it. As for my husband, other than meditation and breathing exercises, and a go at individual therapy (albeit for an unknown amount of time - could have been a few sessions, could have been a few years), my understanding is that he has never tried a stimulant. He tried anxiety medication (in order to fly for work) about 13 years ago, decided that he didn't like the way it made him feel, and never took it again. I am trying to be compassionate even though I would bet my last dollar that neither my husband or daughter would agree and feel like I am failing left and right. Thank you again.
So sorry
Submitted by Swedish coast on
This sounds terribly difficult. I'm so sorry.
Really, him being opaque with you and not pursuing treatment can be questioned. Is it fair to you who has to deal with the effects of ADD in both family members? He and your daughter can call you a nag all they want, I still don't think compensating for unmedicated ADD can be expected of you or it's their right not to try and lessen ADD symptoms. You are a person, not a support system, right?
I'm also puzzled to hear the pediatrician doesn't want to treat your daughter's ADHD if she's had an extensive evaluation, a diagnose and seems so troubled by scattered thoughts. Would your daughter need another doctor? Perhaps a children's psychiatrist? (Our family has felt very safe in their hands.)
Have you considered explaining the effects of ADD symptoms on you, perhaps putting some pressure on your family members to manage their condition better?
I don't think you need to conclude you've failed. I don't think you should be hard on yourself. All non-ADHD people seem to protest similarly about ADHD chaos that invades their integrity and makes them miserable. It's normal to react when your boundaries are violated, isn't it? Then they are frustrated and exhausted when despite their protests nothing changes. As for the blind spot, I think it's only human. I've done it too, painfully misjudging things in my private life that I would have identified correctly professionally. It felt very shameful. Now after I've lived with a professional who for all of our long married years never suspected his own npf (and neither apparently did his expert colleagues, or his family of origin, or anyone else we knew) I've accepted it. We're probably all a little blind to the quirks in ourselves and what's closest to us. My friend who works in law understood it instantly when I told her about my then husband not having suspected his diagnosis. She said: 'He is his only reference.' Like a husband is the only reference for a wife when it comes to husbands.
Please be kind to yourself. I wish you all the best.
Same story
Submitted by Haveaniceday on
Hi there, I'm glad you found this site. It's been a much needed source of support for me this year, and also one of the only reasons I am sure I am not completely crazy.
My story is very similar to yours, our now 17 year old diagnosed with combined type ADHD almost 2 years ago, a neurotypical 11 year old, and a recently self diagnosed spouse (still trying to get a proper diagnosis) with inattentive type ADHD.
This year has been the hardest, our 17 year old is severe, and after much chaos and crisis after crisis has finally accepted the need to be on medication. It's been a month, and it's really much better. BUT, I cannot tell you the level of chaos without it... The bedroom mess is close to a hoard, expensive reading glasses got left somewhere on an overnight stay, clothes disappear and I find things that don't belong to her in the pile,. school work, school attendance and anything that isn't pure pleasure and social - is a mess. I've had so many meetings with schools and professionals, so many emails, so many warnings and reports - people wouldn't believe me. Where we live, kids are legally adult from 18, and I'm counting down the days to not be legal guardian (adoring mother always, but legally liable not so much ;)).
I've come to realize that allowing ADHD dysfunction will literally kill me if I don't radically accept that I cannot change either of them, and if I don't radically take full responsibility for my own health, wellness, time and sanity, I won't make it through.
I wish I could give you tips on how to deal with your daughter, but alas, I'm going to tell you that only if she is in therapy and medicated, and only if you can find what consequences actually mean anything to her, and unless you can let go up to the point that she isn't in harms way - my feeling is that you are probably doing everything and more as a mom and wife. In fact, ironically, just by reading everything you have, and by posting here, it probably means you are already doing more than what is fair or expected, and sadly, possibly using your time and energy on things that wont necessarily change anything. I know this sounds grim, but it's really important for you to find your balance and draw a line so that you don't exhaust yourself to the point of burnout (burnout = repeated effort that doesn't equate to results).
Looking forward to seeing if anyone responds with more helpful tips, but in the meantime, please take care of yourself!
@Same story, thank you for your reply
Submitted by a look into the... on
Thank you for sharing as well. I do feel burnt out and yet I keep trying because the truth is that I don't feel like a good wife or mother (not in a depressed way - at least I don't think - but rather in a motivated - I've got to do something different - way). The two people who are almost mirror images of one another (husband and daughter) seem to shut me out so I can only guess whatever I've been doing (i.e. likely the nagging) has failed. It's only because of The ADHD Effect on Marriage book that I recently realized what I have been doing so wrong all these years with my husband and now my daughter. I guess that is why I tried to initially focus on myself for the past 5 years, and not try to change them per se. Now I feel lost as to where to go next. Thank you again.
hello and welcome....
Submitted by c ur self on
Those of us who live w/ minds (spouse's and children) that work differently from our own, have to ask ourselves some questions...Am I keeping the main things first in my life? (love and acceptance of my family and my own self care)....If I need boundaries placed on myself (emotions, not attempting to think for others, not attempting to force my will on people who for the most part I can't really comprehend, and make it clear they are fine being who they are) have I done that, and am I honoring them? You sound to me like you have handled a difficult situation well...Acceptance leads us to respect, calmness and not over thinking or over reacting concerning the things we can witness but can't truly comprehend...Your husband has lived his whole life to this point like he is capable of w/o drugs, and just like most of us, don't want them...It's his choice, same as it would be for you and I...Love doesn't mean fixing, nor does it mean tolerating in toxic situations....I think you are wise and will work through each day wisely...
bless you!
c
Fixing
Submitted by Swedish coast on
C, you're right that we cannot fix somebody else. On the other hand, is it right to instead spend oneself fixing the effects of their neglect?
My problem with ADD is mainly that it has left me as non-ADD parent with such a load, while also bereaving our family of community. Giving the children what I wanted for them culturally, educationally and materially though their father was always passive, depressed, anxious and defensive, has been the most heartbreaking task I've ever had.
I'm also convinced had he had a diagnosis at fourteen, like our child, he wouldn't have plunged so deep. Depression and anxiety have resulted from trying to live with non-ADD expectations but no way of meeting them. It's the tragedy of my family.
So I'm strongly in favor of early diagnosis and treatment.