Forum topic: Long Time Coming

I cannot say this suddenly happened over night, in fact, it's been coming most of my adult life. It's taken years of therapy and my own self reflection ( and a decent memory ) to pull this all together. I feel at this point in my own self awarenes that I can finally answer many of my own questions due to having a complete picture. It also comes from trying my best to take responsibility for what is mine, and rejecting the parts that aren't  ( even when someone else is telling you they are ). I'm not necessarily referring to my current relationship but the ones with my primary caregivers ( my mom and dad )...and the effect of their particular dysfunctions, and the relationship it had on me and my own behavior. I cannot share this without naming a few labels, but for the sake of argument, I have my own opinions about these things. That includes some conclusions I've made whether they are right or wrong.  Better, whether they be skewed or not. As a good thing, I have some resolution in finally making this discovery. 

I've talked about the abuse I experienced due to my father's issue. They were much more overt and easy to identify.  I definitely didn't feel safe and was afraid of him. Very easy to understand and figure out.

My mother, on the other hand, I was not afraid of. By all accounts, she was a well meaning, dedicated mom who gave what she had in loving ways. There was no doubt she had my best interest in her conscious thoughts, but there were problems in her subconscious. Someone ( or something ) else was driving her car. She was just a back seat driver who had issues with control. If you think about trying to drive a car from the back seat, you can pretty easily see how control would be an issue. I definitely received love, but the water in the love glass was muddy. There was other "stuff " in there, which is where all the problems come from. The water was dirty and unclear. Which meant, even with her best intentions and heart in the right place...what she thought was doing good was actually causing harm.

The term "Helicopter Mom ( parent )" best described her. Actually describes her actions perfectly...she fits this to a tee. And all a person needs to do is google this subject...and you'll find a vast amount of literature to help explain what this is.

What struck me the most, when reading about this "problem" a person like my mom has is: In one way of seeing it, there are a list of benefits to the child, from raising them under this set of behaviors. There's also an equal amount of detriment, in an almost 1 to 1 relationship ....to the child.

The other difficult part in this relationship is: my mom was serving the driver of her car, and getting something from being this way. There were benefits to her, so she couldn't see the damage it was having on me. She was completely unaware ( or oblivious ) because she was getting something in return for her, while taking something away from me. In a healthy exchange, both parties should be getting something...mother and child. 

The end result was a form of abuse....unintentional, but still abuse. So in that glass of "Love water" I was getting, I was simultaneously getting a very subtle form of abuse along with it. That's the dirt in the water.

This abuse if much more covert and difficult to see. It's hidden from sight, but it's still there.  Much less obvious than the kind I was getting from my dad. My dad just didn't care, and was neglectful. My mom, cared too much and was invasive. I was getting it from both sides and neither were "clean".

This was my example. This was all I knew. Which means, once this is an established template, the next time you experience it in other places in other relationships, you don't see the problem because the problem feels normal. But it's not. This imbalance is not normal...between too little, and too much.

And that's exactly what it felt like with my mom. It was way too much as well as feeling "creepy". Like some sticky goo was getting on me and smothering me...which I needed to get away from just to get some air!  Which, for a great deal of time growing up...I managed to do that and find some healthy alternatives but not without finding bad ones too. 

But all of this, did not go without me taking some of it with me. There's no way you can live in that environment without that happening, which is now my responsibility to do things about. You cannot blame your parents....if you yourself are doing some of the same things now.   

And the root cause of this issue comes from feeling a lack of control for my mom...and finding unhealthy ways to get her needs met.   I, unfortunately, was getting the by product of "her", getting "her" needs met, that was having a detrimental effect on me in the form of a very specific kind or brand of abuse. Which she couldn't see.

I was also thinking about this in terms of my best friend growing up....who I met on my swimming team when I was 6 years old. As it turns out, he pretty clearly has some Narcissistic traits to his personality in some strong ways, however, he's also one of the most generous and kind hearted guys you could also meet. I've called him a "benevolent narc" ...because he has an equal balance of giving and taking...with a tad bit more for himself at all times. But he you can definitely tell, he also has your best interest in mind and is a pretty genuine person. Until it comes to something he wants that is different than what you want, and then it really shows!

But the thing is, what he wants is to have you join him. He wants you there, and he cares. He looks out for you, is a team player ( attitude ), is a "share the wealth" kind of person and makes you feel safe. He's a protector in that respect, and feeling safe is not the issue with him. You can trust him, all the way up until it comes time to split the pot fairly and evenly. Somehow, he always manages to get his ( needs ) met first, and you get what's left....but just by a little bit. It's petty and annoying but the scale is always slightly one sided. Not terribly, but enough to be noticeable. 

But, this benevolent side of him...the level of giving and genuineness, makes up for his selfish side....almost. lol  I wouldn't call it abuse, but I would call it annoying and taking advantage. He was my roommate and later, I lived with him, and I was aggravated a lot of the time. And sometimes, I'd get outright angry with him, because his selfish side, would be more blatantly unbalanced. My anger, was directly correspondent to the level of abuse I was experiencing. 

The point is, I wasn't able to see where the problem was, because I was use to this from treatmemt at home. What is not normal, felt normal....but I still react to it, in the same way...especially when they weren't willing to take responsibility for their actions ! ( because it hurts ! )

It's all about control and the measures or tactics to gain advantage including: manipulation....by what ever means are necessary or learned from their families.

My best friend was definitely made to feel he was special growing up. He was put on a pedestal and his needs were always met...in spades.

My SO was more on the neglected side..and learned  different tactics to gain control to get her needs met.

I had a little of both, but then, was on my own at times because I got away as often as possible, and had to get some needs met away from my family.

My mom was a prisoner, in the dungeon of the Puritanical Dominatrix ( her mom ). She was stuck, isolated, and had no where to go. I'm guessing, she had no where to go but fantasy land...the place inside her head. That's what it seemed like, she had some odd ideas that didn't always match with reality.

I realized, putting this all together, why I get angry with my SO. I get angry, for the same reason that I got angry with my mom ( or dad ).  My mom, and my SO....are very much alike and the one thing they both share is issues with control. When my SO uses manipulative tactics ( like my mom )....it makes me really angry !! This is a huge trigger...and rightfully so.

I get angry when I start feeling like I'm being abused ( or taken advantag of ) or controlled.  And certain triggers ( certain tactics ) really set me off especially: belittling, dismissing my feelings and devaluing ( tactics ). That and gaslighting.  

I was getting it from both sides with my parents in their own particular way. The difference as I see it now is:

My dad just didn't care. He was ungiving and could care less,  until it effected him negatively....and then he cared a whole lot!

My mom, my best friend, and my SO...care a great deal at times and are very giving in some ways...and very selfish in others with a wee bit more...tipping the scales in their favor for their own reasons which usually are/were....getting control of getting their needs met in some way. 

Caring or not caring ..that's the biggest  difference. My dad could be intolerable, a tyrant and an asshole. I was afraid of him, never felt bonded because he could be really scary. With him, "respect" was the currency of exchange...and fear was the weapon he used to control you.

With my mom, my best friend and my SO....I wouldn't describe them that way at all except when it comes to trust. When it comes to trust....if it starts feeling abusive in a particular "type of" manipulation...I start to get angry. I've experienced it most of my life and I know it by how it feels. Fear is still involved, but the currency is less clear. 

More, just getting you to do things, that you don't always feel like doing ( or not exactly how or when you'd be doing it )...and add ons are common ( more tasks ) but doing it in a serapticious way, where they make you believe they're doing, or will do ( something) for you, for some vague payoff down the road at some vague undisclosed time later on, by dangling a carrot in front of you...but this could change from the original agreement, depending on " what I feel like" at the time

  Which in the end, may or may not actually happen...depending on their approval. It's a conditional, transactional kind of thing, done with a wink and a handshake...and there's no consequences for breaking or changing the deal. It's a power play, just to see if it works, to get you to do something depending on their will.  

My employer does this habitually. In that context, it's much easier to see and it really doesn't work. When the carrot is so far away ( like two football fields ) and it's not clearly defined or even obtainable ....there is no motivation to "work harder" when there's nothing there ( no reward ) at the end. 

Like saying: I'll give you a whole dollar, if you run a 4 minute mile....and stop at the store while your at it,  and pick me up a coke. 

While at the same time, trying to convince you that running is good for your health. 

This is exactly what my best friend would do. Trying to convince you, it'll be good for "you" to go get "him" a coke. Its so annoying...and so totally obvious!! 

But what really makes me lose it, is when I call ( a person ) out on this kind of manipulation, especially when I recognize it, and try to tell them it hurts. And instead of stopping, or copping to it, they keep on doing it, and start accusing you of being selfish...and invalidating your feelings or decisions not to...by trying to make you feel guilty in some way. This is the one thing, that infuriates me more than anything. Having my feelings invalidated...when I try and tell them to stop. That makes me feel unsafe ...and not being able to trust. It's the one thing I couldn't trust in my mom, that she could actually see what she was doing to hurt me, even with her best intentions of trying to help.  At least, my best friend would cop to it and just laugh. But it didn't stop him from trying again later. That just became aggravating after a while.

With my mom, it helped me in some ways, and hurt me in others. As I see it, trying to drive the car from the back seat means she had no control.....so she tried to get it in others ways to over compensate... which made her even more over controlling, and invasive !

And like my mom, my best friend and my SO.....none of them are bad people or doing it with malicious intent. It still hurts, it's still annoying, but it mostly causes you not to trust them. The methods change depending on, but the end result is the same. It's a dishonest way of trying to get your needs met, but at the same time, if you aren't getting them met some how, you're left finding other ways to get them. It's a vicious cycle,  unless you take responsibility.  

Taking responsibility for what's mine means.....not blowing a fuse and overreacting when I get angry from being manipulated. What's not my responsibility, is what I just said unless I'm doing these same things myself. If I'm doing something that's causing damage that I'm not seeing....I need to find it, and take care of it myself. If any of that "goo" got on me, I need to address it and not blame my SO for what is not hers. 

That's how it works.... and Bob's your uncle. 

J