This is my first post on the forum.
Today, my partner (non-ADHD, mid-30s, F) got angry at me (diagnosed ADHD 2 1/2 years ago, mid-30s, M) for not leaving on time for my morning meeting. Later, we talked about it and she had a lot to say.
Since we realized that my ADHD is affecting our relationship, we have both focused on this part of our relationship and on putting in work to address it. It has been eye-opening for us both.
A few days after the first conversation, I ordered The ADHD Effect on Marriage. I told her about it, and she told me that she had ordered it as well, in addition to TWO other books on ADHD. I was worried by this, TBH. She is an overachiever and I thought she may have trouble accepting that she is powerless over my ADHD and that she will have to allow me to address my symptoms.
During the conversation today, she said that she is doing more work than me, and that she has read three books about it and I haven't even finished one book. About the meeting this morning, where I had invited a friend to speak, she said that I had a commitment to be there on time since this friend was kind enough to come (I agree and I thought about this before the meeting). But she said this should have motivated me to be on time, she felt like she had to basically get on my case to be on time in addition to reminding me to set an alarm for this morning even though she "should" let me be in charge of getting there on time. She said she came downstairs and found me in my underwear making coffee. I feel humiliated by this. She also said that maybe if I failed to get there on time, the negative consequence would motivate me in the future. This isn't the case; I would feel ashamed and hate myself but it wouldn't help me the next time around.
This past weekend, I was having trouble getting my chores done. My list included :
- planning our meals this week,
- making the grocery list,
- grocery shopping,
- cleaning out my work bag (something she wants),
- cleaning the shower which currently has a pink ring,
- watering the house plants,
- splitting some firewood,
- washing the dishes,
- cooking dinner on Sunday,
- organizing two boxes currently taking up space in my closet (also something she suggested).
I got meal planning, the grocery list, grocery shopping, Sunday dinner, and watering SOME plants done (yay!). These tasks are very important to me personally, not just things she wants done. I got derailed because I started fixing our blender. I love fixing things but often it takes a lot longer than I think. I was upset because I really wanted to get all that stuff done. I told her how upset I was and she was understanding and helped me start the grocery list after I asked her for help with that. Later, we relaxed while watching TV and reading; she reassured me that this was ok.
But today she also mentioned that the shower didn't get cleaned. She said yesterday she was patient with me, but she won't always be able to be.
All that is to say, I have suspected that she was "holding her tongue" about a lot of things, and now she has revealed that's true; she's been keeping score and holding her tongue.
I'm sad. I'm tired. I wish I hadn't confided that I was upset and that I had just white-knuckled it and gotten more of the chores done last night instead of relaxing. And it's so hard to be standing there, thinking about how hard I've been trying, but feeling that it just sounds stupid to say that. It sounds so empty and stupid to say that I've been trying hard, that I did have the best intentions, that I WAS thinking about my friend and that I needed to be on time because he was helping me out. I wish I had mentioned it before she brought it up so she would have known I had thought of it.
I know how important it is to accept that we are powerless over certain things, and I can see that she's not. I admit that I'm not doing it either lol (point one finger, and three are pointing back at you!).
Sorry for the very long post.
TLDR: I have suspected that my partner has been keeping score and holding her tongue because she "shouldn't" nag and I should be the one addressing my symptoms. Today, she confirmed this.
Comments
Your suspicion is right
First of all. I want to give you a round of applause for getting so much done. As a non-ADHD partner myself, it took a long time until I realized that a long laundry list of to-do task for my ADHD partner will overwhelm him and procrastination would set in. Before that, I used to keep scores myself and it was not healthy for our relationship. One of the biggest help for us was investing in the card game called "Fair Play Cards". The card game helped us collectively decide what task are important to 'both of us' and the we each take turns to take ownership of those important tasks that we identified. Once that happened, it really helped me to start feeling that we are each contributing the fair share of to our relationship and the need to keep score a vast majority of the time. If you want to see reviews on the card game, just do a google search on "fair play game review" so that you could see what others are saying. I hope that helps. The truth is, you are doing a good job, you just need to find a way to understand what tasks are important to you both and see what each of you are doing and contributing to those important tasks that you both care of about. Good luck and let me know if you have any questions.
Thanks
Ok, my partner actually suggested that we try these! She has been so supportive and willing to come to the table in good faith, which is all I can ask for. It was helpful to get things out this morning, and I'm grateful for your helpful and encouraging response! Thanks for your reply and for your perspective as a non-ADHD partner.
good to hear!
good luck. if you have question about the cards, please let me know. happy to help.
I feel for you
Being non-ADHD but having lived twenty years with an undiagnosed ADD partner, I can relate very much to this.
Your list is ambitious. My ex would have made perhaps one or two of the things on that list on a weekend. A majority of them he could never do, period. The list would be hard for me, too. I think you cannot be expected to do it all.
I have no answers as to how to make a relationship work when partners don’t match in expectations and ability. I didn’t make it. But I learned some lessons.
One lesson I learned is a non partner needs to let go completely of things that are ADHD partner’s responsibility. Your meeting I believe is your business only. She shouldn’t manage or comment it. She’s probably not helping by intervening. A late meeting is a smaller problem than you feeling embarrassed and hurt, and she stressed out.
I was just like her, not being able to set boundaries for my responsibility. Working up a sweat when learning trains were missed, food wasted, deadlines forgotten, mother in law clawing at our door for lack of contact. I was so anguished at my life falling apart from ADD symptoms I tried to save every falling piece of crockery. It was a big mistake.
I think at some point, the things a non partner will try to save just aren’t worth the pain. But I also believe at that point they may not be able to see that.
I’m sorry you both are struggling with this.