I wanted to write this down before I forget. Our biggest obstacle, in my mind, is my Inabilty to discuss things that involve my feelings and my SO's hypersensitivity to perceived criticism, fault, wrong doing, etc. I'm wording it that way because that's her perspective. It very difficult to talk about things when someone is instantly on the defensive so, I've gotten in the habit of not.
There has be some movement and lightening up lately....what she will tolerate, and when it's too much. Yesterday, we were doing fine and she initiated a quick conversation telling me how much she wants me here , how she finds me attractive and how much she cares. It was an affirming quick communication letting me know how she felt. I told her how much I appreciated it and let her talk. She mentioned, she realized I could use more affection and I halted her and said "actually sex".
This came after I told her that when she starts to feel me getting "needy" it turns her off and it's unattractive. That's where the comment came from.....as she realized that probably stung a bit. I told her as an FYI: when this happens ( pretty much always ) It's me missing sex and wanting it. ( me getting horny ). I don't act on these feelings, but she clearly can tell by the amount of physical touching I do. I realize I do this and told her yes, I'm sure I'm compensating without a doubt.
Anyway, I was just connecting the dots for her between lack of sex and me "feeling needy" as she calls it. I was getting frustrating with her not getting that connection. This also puts me in a sort of double bind if you will.
So when she mentioned..."not getting affection"..I simply reminded her " um er, sex" which is kind of the elephant in the room......She immediately reacted negatively and started ramping up the anger. I did not react. I only said I'd try and work on these "heightened libido periods " and try not to push her into the "feeling needy" zone.
None of this is anything new of very exciting or interesting. What was new or different was what came later as I left her alone for the day without bugging her ( creating space ). She later said: " I'm sorry I'm not like I use to be ( having am active libido and enjoying sex )....and my reply was " I'm sorry I have one, and it's working as it always has."
I don't fully understand why that actually registered, but she looked at me like she understood, instead of dismissing my feelings. Something about saying it that way actually worked like the light bulb went on.
I included "I can't help that, anymore than you can help not having one"
Something about that interchange made a connection. Maybe for the first time, she considered that I can't help it either? At least, that's how it seemed.
