Forum:
There’s one fact about my unfortunate two-decade ADD marriage that still makes it hard to accept divorce.
It’s the first seven years of relationship bliss. Before children, and before professional life had really taken hold for us. We were so happy. I felt such trust and fulfillment. I think it’s unlikely to ever find anything like it again.
I’m considering deepening a relationship to a new person now, but can’t. I feel I don’t want to betray the bond with my ex even though it’s two years since any intimacy and there’s no hope of recovery for the relationship.
I loved this ADD person.
Does anyone else share this experience?
Comments
Maybe It was Suppose to End
I've heard this philosophy before, and it actually makes sense. The idea, that when a relationship has fulfilled the needs of both people but no longer serves that purpose. This goes directly against the traditional notion of marriage, and in my mind, has nothing to do with sex or the need for a variety of intimate partners. It just means, it was meant to be for a time and that time is over. The relationship has ran its course and has come to it natural conclusion ie: it was never meant to go any further.
This changes the idea of "loss"...as if it was supoose to continue indefinitely.
I personally struggle with this myself. By nature, I'm quite suited to being monogamous and was happy to stay that way in the past. At the same time, looking back, I probably should have ended it ( or agreed to when asked ) instead of dragging out the inevitable which was in part, trying to reclaim the past.
I think for a neurotypical person struggling with a neurodivergent person, this might even prove more so.
For me, I'm only improving and getting better, trying not to repeat the sane mistakes from the past ( or my family of origin ). The better I get, the better my relationships get. I'd rather not keep switching partners, and improve on myself and I'm still improving as time goes on.
The only way I won't improve is if I give up on myself. If I give up on myself, then I'll stop learning and growing and any future relationships will remain the same.
As long as I see growth and improvement ( and willingness ) in my SO, then I know our relationship is not over yet. For now, it doesn't seem like the end even though, I get tired of my SO playing the "I quit" card whenever things aren't going her way. I see that as her, playing that card in the moment ( a temporary weak point ). That really bothers me, but her pattern suggests she's not serious. Idle threats. Shortly thereafter, I'll see improvements and self awareness which tells me she's listening. When she doesn't like what she hears or I speak the truth that she doesn't like, the "I quit card" comes out...then, she turns about face and does something positive.
Anyway. All of this is part of the struggle that we both have to go through ( having ADHD together) like it or not.
You, as a neurotypical person can easily choose not to, and not have to go through this BS and find someone else where it won't be so much work.
I, on the other hand, have one of two choices: be alone....or learn to manage my ( shit ) better. Take it or leave it.
It does sound like your ex chose to quit. I don't judge him for that, it's not always easy.
For me, as I've always said in the past : I'll let you know when that horse is dead. It's not in my nature to quit. I'm just not built that way.
Quitting
J, thanks for your kindness.
I feel like you do, quitting is sometimes necessary, but it’s not what I want.
Losing a person is losing an entire world, too.
I know it's hard....
True love felt and nurtured in a heart can be abandoned (or forced) for many different reasons...But at least a remnant never goes away...Tomorrow is her last day to live in the house with me (she's not with me, is the reason it's the last day)...I'm very happy, but, also very sad...I love deeply!
c
Dear C
This is a milestone you’re facing, I’m happy for you. I acknowledge that deep love of yours. It’s beautiful in its own right, whether the relationship has been worthy of it or not. In a way, the depth of what you’ve contributed makes it all meaningful in my eyes. It’s like I’m beginning to view my marriage too - not as a waste, but as a precious thing.
It’s comforting.
I hope you’ll have good days ahead. If not, we’re here for you.
Living for oneself or being part of something
I’m not quite convinced that the individualistic pursuit of happiness is the most important part of being human, after all.
I think life is full of wonder. Meeting and connecting with other people, romantically and otherwise, is a way of expanding the world. To me, no amount of travel or luxury can be more fascinating than what can be created together with other people.
Just came from a cultural event with a panel discussion afterwards, theme being this exactly.
I hope, C, that you have wonder coming.