For a while now the thought of shame has come up.
It seems to me life with an ADD partner has been shaped to a great extent by shame. My ex avoiding everything that was out of his reach made the world small for us. It was embarrassing. Even though I didn’t realize it at the time, it was the reason socializing with others was so awkward.
Shame lingers with me now. At work, for ten years I’ve been restricted by the ADD load at home, the worry. I know I’ve been strong given the circumstances. But nobody at work has ever met me before the marriage subdued me, and it feels like it’s made me an unimportant person. I feel particularly ashamed about this since at the same time I’ve worked extremely hard and also done continued education in my field.
It’s like the social circles that have been lost. How does one explain to people one stopped seeing them not because of them, but because one was ashamed of one’s husband’s dysfunction, but wasn’t even consciously aware of it at the time? You don’t, for his sake, but then what do you say?
When reading about sects, I recognize the isolation from the outside world in my ADD marriage. I felt for many years the discomfort I felt was somewhat solved by shutting out people, burrowing deeper into the marriage.
Really, this is standing in the way when I’m trying to make a new life after divorce. How does one reinvent oneself after more than a decade of ADD shame?
Perhaps it’s time to get another job, and some new friends.
Comments
Outgoing
My own thoughts about what you just said Swedish, is to try to be more outgoing, by the literal definition of the word. This may be more difficult for a more introverted person but it's exactly what I'm doing now. And I'm not divorced or without someone. I don't think it matters really, it's just about doing something that makes you happy but....just not alone meaning, where other people are who are enjoying the same thing.
My go to has always been skiing for example. Ever since I was a teenager. I can go there alone ( to the mountain )...buy there are plenty of other people there too. It's a very social activity. Every time I ride the chair lift up the hill, I seated next to a new set of people, sitting right next to you up to the top. I talk to little kids, teenagers , young adults and people my age and everything in between all day, each time up. These aren't long conversations but you get to hear a little bit about these people and talk about the shared interest. And everyone is interested in the same thing at the same time so the interactions are enjoyable.
Then you go home. By yourself. It's not that you make enduring long lasting friendships ( it's possible but I never have ) it's just that you connect and enjoy the brief company and get to do something you enjoy with like minded people your surrounded with all day. People who are friendly and all enjoying themselves and having a good time.
But I go there alone which is the point. My SO doesn't ski....but I do. That is the point! Lol If she wanted to go fine....but even if she doesn't....I'd still go anyway. The more the merrier...but it doesn't stop me from going.
The point being...it doesn't stop me from getting out and being outgoing. She prefers to stay home and paint alone. Painting is a solitary activity....skiing is not.
All my friends have always been activity based friendships surrounding shared interests. The interest is the reason to get together...but the reason ( the activity ) is why we're all there. They can come along with me....or they can stay home. It doesn't really matter either way....I'm still going anyway.
That's also the point of the matter. You're doing it for you, not anyone else. If other's come along fine. If they don't...also fine. The more the merrier....or not....it doesn't really matter.
For me, with skiing, I talk to people all day long. I must meet at least a dozen people and hold a dozen conversations...then I leave for home alone....but I'm never lonely because my day is full.
I do the same thing with music concerts. I don't need anyone to go see a concert and many times have gone alone. There's lots of people there to talk to who all have the same thing in common. You enjoy the music, then you leave alone but...everyone is connected by the music...the same as skiing.
It also allows my extrovert to come out and play...so to speak. I get energized by this kind of thing....my SO would rather indulge her introverted side in solitary pursuits.
So that's the idea of a sect, if I understand what you're saying? My sects, in this case, are skiers and concert goers. When I'm there...I'm a skier or a concert goer...and part of that group. Or...motorcycle rider....when I ride with those groups.
But either way...I can come alone and leave alone...but I'm never lonely which is the point. And...I get my extroversion fill for the day and talk to lots of people in the process. Also an extroversion thing. I get to spread it around you might say...instead of focusing it all on one person.
And my person is more introverted and solitary...and needs lots of space. So, when I come home....she's had her space. And I've gotten exactly what I need as well. We're both "recharged" you might say.
But this is how I've always been. I'm not doing anything new except...in the past....I've had like minded people who wanted to do it with me. But It still doesn't stop me from going if they're not here doing it with me now.
Like I said, I'm going anyway...if someone wants to join me...fine. If they don't....also fine. Me going...is not dependent on anyone else.
Hi Swedish Coast....
I can relate...Of course mine was quiet the opposite...She had no domestic or marital desires, every thing revolved around her pursuit of adventure...I guess it's just the way it works for certain mind type's no ability to live a well rounded life style...Made it extremely difficult for the two of us to have any type commonality in the priorities of life...
When we aren't comfortable with our present living arrangements, it's usually easy enough to change...But for me it just boils down to what are my priorities? Coming to peace with what I want to live out my life being, and pursuing, is a must to gain contentment...
Bless you!
She finally signed it....Big weight lifted...She has to be out by Feb. 28th...I gave her to March 31 to move all her stuff....
I’m glad
Relieved she signed it. I hope you enjoyed your trip with friends and can look forward to spring and summer on your own terms.
Thanks for replying.