I separated from him a week ago.
I’ve made my kids cry; it’s the last thing on earth I wanted to do, but I had reached a point where I wanted to die. And when I realised that I was really there, it had gone that far, I also realised that what I was doing, staying with him despite all my unhappiness, was pointless: my kids needed a living, functioning mum more than they needed her to be married to their dad. So I told him we were separating and I packed a bag.
He is hurt and lonely, he tells me. I’m sorry for that but I’ve had two decades of hurt and lonely.
In the insanity around leaving, I found an old diary from 11 years ago; then, I was at the end of my tether, brutally unhappy, and trying to leave him. I didn’t manage to. Cos of the kids.
I regret the wasted time.
But I have left him now. My kids are fine; neither blames me; they see their dad for what he is, and have some sympathy and love but see how difficult it is to be with him. I am, already, broadly speaking, happy.
Last week I was catatonic.
My advice - if it’s crossed your mind to leave, do it. Get out. Don’t wait till you’re considering how you’ll top yourself instead.
It’s your life, not theirs. live it.
Comments
Congratulations
I’m happy for you. It’s a brave choice and I can’t imagine you’ll regret it.
This forum has been immensely helpful since I did what you’ve done about a year ago.
Congratulations also to your children for being shown how to restore balance and happiness.
Hugs
thank you Swedish
This evening I was feeling guilty having messed up arrangements with a friend and said tomorrow my daughter ‘I feel so bad.’ and her response was not to leap straight to talking about the situation with her Dad, but to ask with genuine surprise and concern, ‘Why?!’ so I explained. And afterwards I thought, it didn’t even cross her mind that I should be feeling bad about the split. The kids do see; they know; they don’t want change but when it comes they do understand.
I feel happy, baseline happy. I feel like I am getting myself back. I am, room by room, de-ADHD’ing the house. He comes back at weekends and I go stay elsewhere so he and daughter have time together in the family home. All thats changed is we’re not in the house together, not that he was ever around that much anyway. When he’s back he re-ADHD’s the house and there are damp clothes over the backs of chairs (and the drying rack is empty) and piles of papers on the kitchen counters and heaps of change in the bathroom and the bedroom and the kitchen, and the loo is unflushed. So I start again, and it’s not so much work the next time, and it’s a joy to be free if the mess and the contentiousness, and at least for the week the house is decluttered and mine.
This is good
I’m happy that you feel your children understand. They know exactly what’s going on with us parents, I think. When there’s been immense strain and unhappiness, none of it will pass them by.
Mine are trying to be loyal to us both, weighing every word about their father carefully, actually rarely mentioning him to me, despite the fact they live with him 50%. I think they try to protect me, knowing how upset he’s made me.
You’re making giant steps toward freedom now. I’m glad to hear it!
The space inbetween
Honestly thank you for sharing. If you don't mind sharing, can you tell me how you actually separated. As in did you just say enough and leave or what it something else? Did you kick him out or did he leave??
I think you're so brave and I believe that's its my life and I want to live it...but im so paralysed by the next big step or even just saying something without it coming out wrong (and by that I mean with a mean tone or condenseding - it's a protective mechanism for me)
How did it go down in the end?
it’s still being negotiated
While the younger one is still at home, we’re birdnesting - taking turns in the family home. I’m lucky - I have friends and family that will put me up. He goes to a flat we own near where he works. So we are very lucky indeed in that respect.
What triggered it was, I was intensely unhappy, but trying to make that unimportant compared with the kids’ happiness. Then I got some bad news and it tipped me over into suicial ideation. I was catatonic. And I realised I needed to function and live for the kids to be happy. So thats how I finally gathered the courage to leave.
I had a sleepless night coming to this realisation. In the morning, I told him I was leaving. I told him how we’d do things for the next bit. I asserted myself and prioritised my needs for once!! I told the kids (21 & 17). I told them I was not rejecting them, but I was leaving their dad and right now I needed to go away for a few days. Then I packed a bag (very badly), texted my mum, and drove to her house. She had already known I was in a bad way and welcomed the split.
He and I have communicated and crossed paths since. He feels miserable and lonely. I feel good. It’s pretty much straight swap, emotionally speaking.
The process of separating our lives will be ongoing.
Congrats, honestly
Having taken more than a decade to make this same gut-wrenching decision myself to leave a 20-year marriage, I just want to say congratulations. I have found challenges on the other side, but in hindsight I also wish I'd just made the decision 10 years earlier - for everyone's sake. You are so strong for making this choice and you've raised such wonderful children who can look at the situation objectively and with love for you both. I've been a single mom for several years now and I keep getting healthier and healthier. I hope the light you're already seeing continues to shine brighter.
Congrats, honestly
Having taken more than a decade to make this same gut-wrenching decision myself to leave a 20-year marriage, I just want to say congratulations. I have found challenges on the other side, but in hindsight I also wish I'd just made the decision 10 years earlier - for everyone's sake. You are so strong for making this choice and you've raised such wonderful children who can look at the situation objectively and with love for you both. I've been a single mom for several years now and I keep getting healthier and healthier. I hope the light you're already seeing continues to shine brighter.
thank you
it looks like it takes a lot of us twentyish years. X