First, I want to say, I'm rather proud of myself for handling a "situation", as well as I did. I thought this was worth sharing, because it seemingly, made no sense what so ever. Even now, it doesn't make any sense but at least, I understand.
What I understand is this. My SO, could not communicate something important to her in terms of a sensory issue she was having. It was a priority to the point, she was experiencing panic over it. I came in, at the ramping up of this panic while I was still at work yesterday....
An extremely busy day, 10 hours of work, no breaks or lunch aside from stuffing our faces with food for 20 minutes and jumping right back to work.
It started out when I was at work with a text saying the vacuum cleaner broke that read:
"Oh BTW, I think I did fuck up the vacuum the other day. I'm going to need your assistance to get the front roller rolling again."
I just heard about this yesterday for the first time in the middle of the afternoon.
Two hours later, I get :
"Yep... Now I know why it wasn't moving very well or picking up debris."
It has two rollers...one is specifically designed to pick up on hard wood floors. That one has broken before because the belt had broken and I replaced it which meant ordering a new belt. ( two weeks to receive ).
A little while later, I get another text, right before I left work saying:
"Are you able to fix it tonight?"
The answer of course was no. I didn't have a belt. I was also exhausted, from a long week of work that ended with an especially long hard day yesterday. I told her this when I call her a few minutes later. She was sure I had ordered two belts but that wasn't correct. She was insistent that I check to make sure. The answer was no.
I told her, the last thing I wanted to do was fix a vacuum right when I got home late from work especially that I was so tired.
How about first thing tomorrow morning.? She asked.
I said no, I wanted to get up, take my time, and rest a bit on my day off. I told her it's a horrible job that takes 11/2 hours and I'm wasn't going to get to it the second I got out of bed.
This morning....I did exactly what I said I was going to do. I got my coffee and got on the couch to relax.
She remembered a back up vacuum she had, and immediately started vacuuming. She started vacuuming around me ( on the couch ) and then said this at 11:30am ( 30 minutes before "afternoon ".
"Are you going to do anything today, or just do nothing?"
I said, "I am doing something. I'm laying on the couch relaxing as I said I would"
She continued vacuuming, but looked upset that I wasn't going to look at the vacuum right then. She made another mention about the vacuum earlier...making sure I didn't forget.
I finally decided to stop relaxing, and go do something, I didn't want to do, at a time, I didn't want to do it, and say "yes" ...going directly against the "no's" I had already said.
In other words...."no" was not an acceptable answer no matter how tired I was, and no matter how many times I said it.
And then, as I was doing the thing she wanted ( that I was definitely not happy about ) she said, " you seem unhappy with me? ".
Which my answer was." This is a horrible job ( second time ), and Im not looking forward to doing it."
She said" I thought you like doing things like this? ?
My answer ( third time ) " I absolutely hate doing this. In fact, I hate it so much, I'd rather buy a new vacuum instead of tearing it apart right now, especially when I'm so tired, which is exactly what I said I didn't want to be doing first thing on my day off"
"Well, you said you'd do it this morning, and it's almost noon".
This escalated until she was yelling at me, getting extremely agitated and gaslighting me trying to say that "I'm always tired, and I never want to do things like this". Which simply isn't true. I just didn't want to do it "right then"...but she wouldn' take no for answer.
I remained calm and went to get my coat and keys. After yelling at me, telling me to shut up, threatening me that she has to get away from me because I was ( somehow? ) doing something she didn't like. All I did was keep repeating : "I don't understand? "
And she couldn't explain it to me? So I said" you're yelling at me, and gaslighting me...and I don't want to be around you when you do that...so, I'll leave, and come back after you're gone ".
A few minutes later before I left, I asked " what's this emergency or priority you have with getting this vacuum fixed? Why is it so important for me to fix it right this minute when you just vacuumed the floor? I don't understand? "
She then explained ( only then ) ...that the vacuum had not been working at full capacity to pick up ( all ) the dirt off the hard wood floors ( even if it was still working for the carpet ) ....and she could feel the dirt on her bare feet ( which was causing an extreme sensory reaction ).
And the fact, that her inability to remove it all...as needed....on demand....because that ability had been disabled and the other vacuum was heavy and hurt her shoulder ) that now, she was panicking because she didn't know when she'd have the vacuum again? It was a full blown vacuum emergency!
And one of the tings she accused me of in the middle of her crisis...was not helping her around the house....even though, I've begged her to let me know, how I can help?
This problem exists, not because I won't help. It's not because I refuse to fix the vacuum, or anything else she might accuse me of.
This problem exists...because she's so controlling, that she won't allow me to help. She can't allow me to vaccuum...because it's not about being clean. It's about her having an absolute intolerance to feeling anything on her feet. It causes her so much distress, that she needs to vacuum to such an infinite degree, that only she knows what's good enough, by how it feels on her feet.
And this panic attack, started yesterday afternoon while I was at work....When she suddenly realized she wasn't able to pick up the dirt off the hardwood floor, because the other vacuum was too heavy, which hurt her shoulder...and she started to panic, because she needed the lighter vacuum...but the belt keeps breaking. Most likely, because she's so demanding of this cheap home vaccuum...and probably needs an industrial one. But that won't work because they're too heavy, and that hurts her shoulder.
Which means, every time the belt breaks, I've got to tear this whole thing down ( because I'm good in this way ) and replace a belt, that normally is done by a service technician, but because I have lots of skills in repairing things, I can do it and save us money. But it's a thankless, pain in the butt job, and at no time, do I actually enjoy it.
But especially, I don't enjoy it, the second I wake up, from working all week, fixing people's shit....to get up, and jump right back into fixing another thing, that I hate doing....without getting a break or rest...from fixing peoples shit...to fix...yet another thing I hate doing......
Because it's a vacuum emergency, and has to done right then, because my SO can't stand dirt on her feet....
So instead of just saying so....she tries to manipulate me into doing something against my will....after I've told her no ( multiple times )....and then starts yelling at me, gaslighting me, and trying to accuse me of being lazy ( not doing anything )....when I was actually doing something...which was exactly what I said I was going to do.
Which was....lay on the couch and do nothing but rest. Because I worked all week, and especially hard the day before, and needed a break from fixing stuff. Which is what I do all week, which is why I was tired.
And for that. I get yelled at. Which makes absolutely no sense what so ever.
And yet, I do understand.
Which is why I'm so proud of myself, for handling it the way I did. And I didn't have to leave after all...because the truth finally came out.
Considering I have CPTSD, and getting yelled at triggers me, and makes me have panic attacks....I think I did pretty well, all things considered. Because I understand.
Knowledge is power, as they say.
Comments
Putting My Money Where My Mouth Is.
Following through. I said I would rather buy a new vacuum, than keep fixing the old one. It was clearly ( once I inspected it inside ) a bad design that was not intended for heavy use on multiple surfaces ( carpets, loose fiber rugs, and hard wood floors ). The first belt, lasted almost the exact same time as the second belt which means, the third belt ( and every subsequent belt thereafter ) will break again after the same amount of time.
While my SO was away, visiting her grandkids....I researched and purchased a commercial vacuum used in hospitals and hotels ( and commercial buildings ) made for every day heavy use. It's designed for easy repair and replacement of parts in the field, to keep a commercial user on the job with no down time.
My SO's need, is to have a vacuum that will put up with daily heavy use, with as little down time as possible, that's designed for multiple surfaces ( adjusts automatically to any surface ).....which is exactly what I bought.
The point I'm making is. I did what I said, I determined what the ( real ) problem was....and matched that need to the right tool for the job.
That's me, doing what I would do anyway, what I said I would do, and not making anything I do contingent on anyone else.
No problem. Emergency over.