Forum topic: Anger/Confusion/Thinking related to ADHD/Medication?

I got the answer to the question I asked - that you don't agree with your wife's assessment...but go back and look at what you wrote and in a couple of other places  it seems as if there is some anger and frustration there.

I am guessing that you are starting to see your wife through a lens of disappointment and hard feelings.  She can't tell you everything that she did in a day, and that upsets you.  She spends hours on things that she gets distracted by (but that aren't the things that you think she should be doing because you would rather that she be helping out with the chores) and that bothers you.  She puts things off and then never gets around to them.

This is the classic marriage that is starting to have problems because of ADHD, but I always like to stress to people that it isn't just the ADHD symptoms, it's also how non-ADHD people respond to the ADHD symptoms.

So, here are some ideas:

• back yourself up a bit.  You shouldn't have to play the role of coach, players and support staff - that's not conducive to romance or a good relationship.  So...don't.  Make yourself resist the urge to coach her.  You'll hate this for a while because it will make you feel as if you can't say what you want.  But think about it this way - how would you feel if someone were telling you what you ought to be doing all the time?
• stand up for yourself as her partner, not her coach and choose a few select areas to discuss with her - on equal footing, not as a coach - that are really getting in your way.  But before you do, think carefully about what is really, really important to you.  If the disorganization around the house is getting in the way, then work on that (some of Tara's tips are helpful, for example).  For me, the thing I wanted most was a really great, loving relationship...that's a different conversation than how do we make sure the dishes are done.  Make sure she is acting as your partner in these conversations.
• Start framing your ADHD-related issues as references to her symptoms, not as critiques of her.
• Tell her some great, positive stuff about how you feel about her and start thinking, every day, about how to reinforce the positive so that you break out of the negative patterns that I can guarantee you you are currently in.  Encourage her to tell you her positive feelings, too.
• Make love, and mean it

 This is a start, at least.  Marriage, once we get into it, is rarely what we expect it is going to be when we are creating our own perfect fairy tales about it during courtship.  Both people, your wife included, have to learn how important it is to share both the fun stuff and the not-at-all fun stuff to the satisfaction of the other.

Don't let the patterns you are in - coach/unwilling student and doer/non-doer - go on any further.  ADHD can be a reason someone isn't always on task.  It should never be an excuse for staying that way.  But don't expect her to change because you harrass/coach her.  The only way she'll change is if she wants to...and the only reason she'll want to is because it's fun, fair or loving.

Melissa Orlov

I am struck by your description (and that of several others) of how your wife takes words and argues with you over semantics, rather than the general content of what you are trying to say.  Back when my husband and I were fighting he used to do this to me all the time.  It drove me crazy because it always derailed our conversation - which is exactly what he wanted it to do.  It seemed as if he wanted to make me mad because if he could do that, then he could blame me for our conversation going south.

A couple things I learned from this:  first, just because this is happening to you now doesn't mean that the two of you will always communicate this way.  We don't do it at all any more.

Second, it's okay to say "I don't feel that you've understood what I was trying to say because I was trying to get across the concept of X and you are focusing on my use of the word Y.  Can we circle back to concept X?"  One communication technique is to try to get your partner to reiterate what they think they understand of what you said.  "I would love to know that I clearly communicated what I was thinking.  Can you tell me what you heard?"  Notice that these words point to your communication skills, not her listening skills, because you want her to understand that you aren't attacking her.  If she says something that isn't what you meant, you can say "no, that wasn't what I was trying to get across...what I meant was XX" and come at it from a different direction.  Remember that how she processes info and how you do are very different, so it can take a while to clarify things, particularly when you are fighting (which tends to make people very un-thoughtful).

Third, you do have both the ability, and the right, to direct your conversations and control the tenor of them.  Personal attacks, in either direction, should not be o.k.  If she attacks you personally ("I can't believe you're this stupid"; "Why don't you ever understand?"; "You never come through for me.") you can say "that felt like an attack on me as a person, which hurts and isn't a good way to communicate.  I would like to come back later and talk with you about this when you've cooled down and won't attack me."  She won't like it at first, but setting boundaries for having respectful communication will be a lot better than feeling as if you are used up by the constant fighting.

Finally, try to get out of the mindset of "working" on your relationship all the time.  The best healer for all of this is having some fun.  Try to do fun things like what you used to do when you were dating (presumably you had fun) so that you can both get some positive interactions going.  This will help you lessen the anger that you are both feeling, and help all of your communications.

Melissa Orlov