Submitted by frecks0328 on 01/29/2008.
My husband and I have been married for a little over a month now, and although it is such a short amount of time we are already facing the issue that we are very different people. We both have been diagnosed with ADD. My husband was diagnosed about 2 years ago and I was diagnosed almost 1 year ago. Some might think that this similarity makes our marriage easy; however, sometimes we are so different that I begin to wonder if I have ADD at all! My ADD seems to be coupled with a more anxious obsessive compulsive nature where my husband is forgetful and lacks intuition. We are running into issues with space around the house and me having to repeat myself every five minutes and then I get frustrated and upset because I am picking up after him and repeating myself over and over again which makes me anxious and in turn angry. It’s horrible! I get to the point with him where I can not even control the words coming out of my mouth. It hurts me so bad. I know it hurts him too. I love my husband very much, but we are young and this is starting to feel like overwhelming. He loves to go,go,go. If it were up to him we would be doing something every night. I have these same urges but I know that I have fibromyalgia and need to have 8 hours of sleep and keep my space organized or I will start to spiral back into my unorganized lifestyle. It seems as though I have developed a better grasp of organization, memory, and reading social cues where my husband can control his emotions better. But of course, when we fight we both get very defensive and can argue for hours. I feel like I have some very valid points but I am too forgiving so although my intention is to help our relationship I always give in. My husband uses his ADD as a crutch to constantly justify when he does something wrong. He says he is not using it as a crutch but rather just explaining why he does what he does, but I can’t understand why if I can overcome my socially unacceptable and inconsiderate actions why he can’t too! I know this is a lot of rambling but I have only been married a month and I already feel like we are failing at this marriage! I have already threatened with leaving him and he didn’t even take me seriously (which of course upset me more!) There are a lot of posts on here about a non ADHD spouse and a ADHD spouse finding common ground, but what if we are both ADD in very different ways? Are we doomed?
Calling 2-ADD Couples!
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I invite as many 2-ADD couples to chime in on this as possible with your opinions! Here are my ideas:
Dr. Hallowell has always said - having ADD can be a reason for something you do, but should never be used as an excuse. Your husband needs to understand this or his marriage will soon be just another statistic. That said, it is hard to differentiate between the two, so let me give you just one example.
Your husband misses an appointment that you both agreed to attend. The reason he missed the appointment is his inability to focus on it. However, he now needs to figure out how to make sure he won't miss his next appointment. If he makes no effort in this direction, he is now using ADD as an excuse. If he makes an effort (gets his assistant to call him and remind him, for example, or sets an alarm, or hangs a big note on the refridgerator) and misses the appointment again, then he is not using ADD as an excuse...he just didn't find the right coping strategy yet and he needs to try a new one until he finds one that works (which he'll likely be able to use for other things, too). BUT, if he makes no effort...then that's using ADD as an excuse.
The fact is, marriage is hard work - for both partners. The rewards for that hard work can be amazing, but there isn't any honest person on the planet that won't tell you that marriage takes a lot of effort, a lot of negotiation, a good deal of patience and humor. We do ourselves a disservice when we buy into what the periodicals tell us about what a marvellous joy every single day will be!
You are not doomed. People who are polar opposites get married all the time (you've probably heard the saying "opposites attract"?) It does sound, though, as if you are having a particularly difficult time with the adjustment that all newlyweds go through at some point when they start living together as a married couple. Even if you were living together before you got married, picking his socks up again and again seems a whole lot more awful when you are looking at it from the perspective of FOREVER! If you haven't lived together before then there are many adjustments that understandably have to be made with any new room mate.
Be careful not to fall into the parent/child or leader/follower trap that so many couples with ADD fall into. There are signs of that already happening in your post. Also, another common trap is that one person doesn't set solid enough boundaries and ends up feeling trod upon. In this case, that would be you. Your marriage is a partnership. You BOTH need to be working to make it as good as possible. Try gently, but firmly, steering him in the direction of creating a happy relationship together, rather than accepting something that makes you unhappy. (It will continue to make you unhappy, which is not a good recipe for a successful marriage!) But don't put too much stock in being different - or being ADD - as the reason things aren't going well. Assume first that it is because you haven't learned the sometimes subtle art of being a team - building an adventure that is to be your life together.
Perhaps your courtship might provide a good insight into what worked for you. Did you used to go out with him every night before you got married, but cut back now that you are married? Did you used to feel the need to pick up after him, or is that new and a result of feeling like your his "wife" rather than his girlfriend? (Be careful not to let stereotypes about what you think a "marriage" looks like change your "relationship" for the worse! First and foremost, you have a "relationship"!) Does he behave or speak differently with you now than he used to? Be honest with this assessment - and your underlying assumptions about what marriage and living together is all about...this may help you a lot.
Oh, and next time your husband asks about your "leaving him" threat you might consider saying that your anger at the situation got the best of you...but your comment is an indication of the level of your distress. While you're not ready to leave him, you do think that the two of you have a good deal of work to do in figuring out how to be a successful couple. Don't mar your credibility by saying things as dramatic as "I'll leave you" without thinking them out first. Better that he believes what you say (because you are honest) than that you make threats that make him believe you are hysterical! You can't force him to change his ADD behavior with threats (this is the fastest way to get him to ignore what you say and/or to breaking up) - but you can entice and encourage him to think about you as partners working towards a common goal.
I've pulled out a few blog entries that might be helpful to you - one on anger and resentment, one on tips for organizing an ADHD household, and one on getting unstuck by Dr. Hallowell. I think these may be of interest to you.
Good luck, and keep us informed!
Melissa Orlov
What they said
Submitted by chinesebob on
Can't take it
Submitted by frecks0328 on
Things don't change and if they do it's not fast
Submitted by Kathryn (not verified) on
Miserable
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
If your relationship is at all near what you describe, then your husband is belittling you, controlling you, and manipulating you. From your description I think you probably could state your feelings better, but the anger and desperation that has already seeped into your relationship is palpable. If you can, try to keep the conversation about your relationship...not about your anger.
Some people get a "high" from fighting. They like the stimulation and therefore look for fights. What's unclear is why you didn't see this behavior before. Was it there and you were just ignoring it? Or has it only come up since the concept of "marriage" has been introduced? If the former, ask yourself why - and HOW - you put up with it and see if there is something to learn from it. If the latter, please take a long look at your own expectations about what it means to be married (and his) and how that might be affecting your behavior (lots of time marital expectations set new ideas about "controlling" a spouse's behavior that don't set well.)
That said, your friend is wrong. You do not have an obligation to stay in an abusive marriage, if that is what you decide this is. Furthermore, you DON'T want to have kids in a relationship that is this unsettled. That would be unfair to both you and to your children.
First, get yourself a separate bank account that is accessible only with your signature. You may not be able to "protect" this money in a divorce, but you are well within your rights to create this account to help him keep his agreement to deal with his own debt (I'm hoping this agreement is in writing, but guessing it isn't - which would be too bad.) Put your paycheck into your account and his into the other one and split joint bills evenly. You're not trying to cheat him - only hold to your previous agreements. If he wants to spend his money on coffee and lunches, fine. You shouldn't have any control over that...as long as he isn't spending yours.)
Second, get professional counselling, immediately. This can help you decide whether or not you just made a huge mistake that needs to be undone as quickly as possible, or whether the two of you are just in very bad first year jitters.
Third, tell your friends that you recognize that you are having trouble, but that relationships are complicated and perhaps they should save any advice that isn't supportive for a later date. Over the years, I have learned that the direction in which relationships go is completely and totally unpredictable...
Finally, just don't engage in the fights. That means don't walk away (a form of engagement)...just don't engage. If you need to, calmly say "I feel as if we are going to fight about this, and I don't want to fight." That's it. NO MORE. (Think of yourself as a mini-Ghandi if this helps.) Your refusal to engage may escalate things if your husband is as interested in fighting as he seems to be in alcohol. If he escalates it to the point where he physically hits you, leave. There are certain lines that every person draws in a relationship. Figure out where yours are, and stick to them.
Divorce isn't the end of the world. Living a life in hell - and making your children do so - is. You seem to want me to tell you to divorce him...and I won't do that. I will only say that you need to not engage his anger (or yours), find professional help, and see where that leads you. You'll figure out what feels right.
Melissa Orlov
Trying, trying, and trying
Submitted by frecks0328 on
trying and trying
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Find a good counsellor and don't worry that that person won't be able to see what is going on. Counsellors are trained to see through the bluff and bluster and they have tons of experience with that. That said, the first counsellor you find may not be the right one. Please find one who is familiar with ADD and whom both of you can respect.
Good luck!
Melissa Orlov