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by: Catterfly -
Hi J, You need to have a really honest discussion with yourself about what you can truly accept happily. Many people live like this (some of us here have for years), and marriages can work if neither party feels neglected. If you're a reader, I've read a book that helped me grapple with this a bit: Sexual Intelligence by Marty Klein. To sum up, sex in middle age and beyond won't be what it was as a teenager. So for many couples, the definition needs to be redefined as they age and they may need to...>>> on Forum topic - Need Help With Ambivalence
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by: Catterfly -
Hi Off the Roller, I have a close relative who has always lived like this. I remember as a child, not being allowed to open certain doors in her apartment (including an entire bedroom) for fear that items would fall out and cause injury. Today, she's in her 80's and it has progressed to a situation like what you would see on TV (hoarders). I bring this up because through working with her and trying to help, it's become clear to me that all of her stuff is actually unfinished projects. The garbage...>>> on Forum topic - When their dopamine rush affects you negatively
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by: J -
Just a reminder, so far in what I've said happened on day 2 of a brand new relationship while everything is fun and new and there's no past history of anything even close to an argument or disagreement. So far, I was very excited just to be there with her. We didn't have sex for another week which was fine with me, I was actually overjoyed. But as time wore on, the intervals became longer and longer beginning that very week. I was beginning to get concerned because I'd been there before but never right...>>> on Forum topic - Need Help With Ambivalence
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by: Swedish coast -
What a striking coincidence in your circle of friends, Catterfly! I smile at the new lives of your friends. With your resilience (I truly admire how you've handled recent events) I'm sure you will thrive in a little while.>>> on Forum topic - "No man is free who is not master of himself " - Locus of Control
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by: adhd32 -
Realistically he isn't going to become organized but the clutter does not have to be everywhere. Acknowledge his tendency and set some rules for his hoard. If he has a space in your home consider having him containing his things there. If something ends up in the livingroom, dump it in his room. Consider a clean up day where everyone pitches in to get things organized inside and out. Clear a space for yourself that is off limits to him so you can feel calm somewhere in your home. Throw out the clutter...>>> on Forum topic - When their dopamine rush affects you negatively
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by: Catterfly -
Hi Swedish, I don't think your lack of power or foresight was a weakness. More like a strength that didn't work in this one situation. I recently reached out to three of my women friends who've also gone through a divorce in the last three years. A doctor, a city councillor, and a biophysicist (and me, an aerospace engineer). All high functioning women whose roles require optimism, creativity, and an ability to see the possibilities. I think this has generally served us well. But, guess what? All...>>> on Forum topic - "No man is free who is not master of himself " - Locus of Control
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by: Swedish coast -
The differences of a fixed and a growth mindset has played an important part in my ADD-non relationship too. Whenever the relationship took damage, I tried to save it. My ADD ex husband used to be defaitist about it. Whatever happened, he seemed to conclude it was out of his reach. He could see our divorce coming for many years, while I was busy creating a life for us. I would assume the fixed mindset can be a result of having failed so much, you have no confidence to make change. Or it's actually...>>> on Forum topic - "No man is free who is not master of himself " - Locus of Control
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by: adhd32 -
You must accept that your behavior scarred your wife. You must accept that she is a whole person, apart from you, who is able to decide what is best for herself based on her experiences, past and present. You must accept that you cannot change anyone but yourself. You must accept that your life is not going back to what you had together even if she acknowledges all the work you are doing for yourself (which is commendable and will improve your life regardless of your marital situation). As far as...>>> on Forum topic - Resentment and Divorce - Need help!
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by: J -
I also see this as:1) needing to take some kind of action to effect change or 2) waiting for some kind of action to happen to you from an external source. I would love to win the lottery...but in the mean time, I know I need to take some kind of action to earn money to live. That's another way to look at. It's an intentional act.>>> on Forum topic - "No man is free who is not master of himself " - Locus of Control
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by: J -
So I get a call from my SO this morning from work ( I'm off today ) to tell me she's sorry that she gets irritated with me sometimes. She also admitted that she forgets to take her meds sometimes and gets cranky and last night was one of those times. Her son and daughter in law were over with their new twins, and in a moment that I can hardly remember, she got short with me over something I can barely remember. I don't always hear things because I'm moderately hearing impaired and hearing aids aren't...>>> on Forum topic - Trophic Cascade: How Wolves Changed Rivers
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by: Catterfly -
Hi J, I hadn't heard of "locus of control" before, so looked up the related research. They explain it in a couple of ways. Those with an external locus of control believe that things happen to them, that they have little control over it, and that their misfortune is not their fault. Those with an internal locus of control believe that they have the power to affect their world and outcomes of choice. Another way to look at this is a fixed mindset vs a growth mindset. This makes a lot of sense in my...>>> on Forum topic - "No man is free who is not master of himself " - Locus of Control
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by: Swedish coast -
Dear all, I appreciate your answers so much. Now I've managed to get rid of some tasks. My ex husband will be in charge of some quite burdensome things I've previously always done. It sounds insignificant, but it's been important for me to let go of them. Being in touch with him gives me physical stress symptoms, and I've been so angry today I felt like I'd burst an artery. But it's worth it. I've experienced a lot of dishonesty in the last year, including the opacity and the acting now. ADHD or not,...>>> on Forum topic - The relaxed happy ex
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by: vienna123 -
Hi ADHD32. As previously mentioned - i know its not as simple as moving on. The past trama is very real for her and i dont have a right to deny those feelings. What i will say is that when i have changed so much since those time, apologied profusely and made mysefl vulnerable it becomes really diffficult when that isnt accepted. We have a great life together - she will even say so - but this one issue has stopped her from seeing the changes. It feels unfair that forgiveness is not at all seen as a...>>> on Forum topic - Resentment and Divorce - Need help!
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by: vienna123 -
Thanks for your advice- i do understand the level of hurt that she must be experiencing. It isn't something one can just "get over". Your experience sounds awful. What a horrible thing to have gone through.>>> on Forum topic - Resentment and Divorce - Need help!
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by: adhd32 -
A common thing in therapy today is dealing with past trauma, as you are doing. What I think you are missing is that your past behavior toward your wife was traumatizing to her. In your mind you feel that because you are working on yourself now she should just move on and package up all of the hurt from the past 17 years because you feel it is historic. You have no right to tell her how to feel and no right to put a time limit on how or when she heals. She must work on the marital trauma at her own pace...>>> on Forum topic - Resentment and Divorce - Need help!
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by: honestly -
I don't have your wife's rage, perhaps, but there are things that happened in my marriage years ago - 20 years ago in some instances - that I am not 'over'. I think that's because they are learning experiences. With each act of selfishness or thoughtlessness, laziness or egotism, my husband was showing me who he was. And I learned - slowly, stupidly slowly - that that was what to expect from him. So (to give one example) he shook me awake from my first nap after giving birth, when I was exhausted beyond...>>> on Forum topic - Resentment and Divorce - Need help!
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by: Swedish coast -
You write from intense pain, I'm so sorry this is happening. I don't know the details of your long life together of course, so please bear with me if I misunderstand. It seems to me your wife has decided on divorce. I think there is probably little to be done to change this. She has left twice and returned, but now she's decided. I've divorced an ADD husband in the last year after decades together. I did it 18 months after his ADD diagnosis and optimized treatment. Among other things I took home the...>>> on Forum topic - Resentment and Divorce - Need help!
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by: Swedish coast -
I'm sorry Bill, it sounds difficult. As far as I know, the thing about ADHD executive dysfunction is there is no reliable way to work around many issues. Control and reminder systems fail for the same reason the primary attempt fails. There is such poor ability to make things happen. Another thing I discovered in the feverish months after diagnosis when my ex husband and I tried to make our everyday life function, was that every ADHD friendly routine we invented had the same weakness. It was never...>>> on Forum topic - Here's a BIG question for all you spouses- AITAH?
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by: vienna123 -
Thanks for your reply - i really appreciate it. I do see the point of negativity bias - it plays a big part in many peoples lives. I think the key difference here is that the level of anger diplayed about events - some of which are 15 years ago - bear little relation to the actual act. However I completely understand that in her view this hurt is massive, and she feels it intensley and as she said the other day - the events may be old but to her they feel like they happened yesterday. I simply dont know...>>> on Forum topic - Resentment and Divorce - Need help!
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by: vienna123 -
Thanks for the reply - i really do appreciate it. The negativity is noted and does indeed occur for all people. In this case however i do believe it is much more linked to ADHD than previously suspected. Why? Simply due to the fact that the rages from her are so powerful, objectively very diproportiaonte to the wrong that i caused. Furthermore nearly all events are really past event - some 15 plus years ago. Now i am adamant to know that this does in no way diminish that hurt. its very real and...>>> on Forum topic - Resentment and Divorce - Need help!
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