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by: Chervil -
Hi honestly. Yes, some of my in-laws are similar. Part of it is cultural. My wife is an immigrant who came here at a young age, and I have learned through being with her and how she explains things that they keep things close to their chests. The idea being not to burden others with your personal baggage. They are a very loving and supportive family otherwise, and I like them all very much. My sisters-in-law can be quite comforting and empathetic. I believe that my MIL and BIL both had ADHD as well. I...>>> on Forum topic - Feeling hopeless after moving cross country for her
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by: Swedish coast -
For us, things didn’t end well, because my ex didn’t understand the impact of his ADD on me (he’s a licensed professional in the field and has studied this though, he claims). But the things that seemed to help during the process were: diagnosis (ideally before spouse burnout) medication and therapy, all that could be had digital reminders for him support for me from outside the nuclear family, specifically friends with...>>> on Forum topic - Things you have found helped you and you’re spouse with ADHD
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by: RATTZ7 -
"For example, instead of saying, “You’re so irresponsible for forgetting this again,” or, “I’m so frustrated this isn’t getting any better” a partner might say, “I see how difficult this is for you, and how hard you are trying. Let’s figure out a system that works better for both of us.” This approach shifts the focus from blaming and shaming to support and collaboration." This seems to perpetuate the Parent-Child Dynamic. By asking the non-ADHD partner to forego expressing emotions to "protect...>>> on Blog post - Understanding ADHD and Shame
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by: Swedish coast -
I can’t help thinking your excellent health is because you’re in your element, J. My ADHD sibling who has never been able to conform to general societal expectations has made some choices like yours. In their case: to not get married or have a family. To not accept supervision or a traditional line of work. To not be weighed down by possessions. There’s an honesty about it that I really respect. I’m sorry my sibling has felt troubled by their undiagnosed condition all their life. But...>>> on Forum topic - Alternative Treatment
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by: Chervil -
Hello again Swedish coast! I see this from inside the relationship that is in shambles, but that I (maybe we?) are working on. I have said to her that I envy her ability to get lost in the moment and lose track of time. Maybe that was invalidating to her, but it is my truth, as I am always "on". I am a task monster, and my depression and anxiety hits when I stop moving. Maybe that made us a natural fit for most of the relationship. Sometimes these dynamics work well, until they don't. I am the big...>>> on Forum topic - Fear of taking on too much
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by: Chervil -
I am the same age, and have also been with my wife for nearly 20 years. She was diagnosed with severe ADHD only a few years ago. I only hope that she can take the steps that you have taken before I cannot take it anymore and leave. Our children are 3 and 4, and they both have behavioral problems. I believe this is largely due to the poor quality of our relationship. For the past few years it's as though she does not even want me around except to yell at me or take the children off of her hands. She...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD, a Breakup, and Trying to Win My Partner Back
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by: Swedish coast -
Ouch, I can very much relate to the slow erosion of community when in a troubled ADHD marriage. I felt increasingly cut off from every social setting for years, for lack of understanding. Nobody gets you when you’re with a depressed, anxious severe ADHD partner, and you can’t function socially like everyone else. Finally I was alone with the facts of the marriage, except for my family of origin. They basically invalidated the experience and normalized my lonely desperate existence. ...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD, a Breakup, and Trying to Win My Partner Back
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by: pathc -
I feel like I’ve just read a day in my life!! Have you found any solutions because I am so fed up I could pack up and leave right now!>>> on Forum topic - Burnt Out
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by: 1Melody1 -
You and others here make me feel so much less alone. So few people, if any, in our in-person lives can understand what we've been through. I never could have predicted I'd still need this forum 5 years after ending my relationship.>>> on Forum topic - Fear of taking on too much
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by: Swedish coast -
It’s hopeful to hear about you regaining abilities. Follow happy is probably an excellent strategy. Strangely, I often feel happy for unpredictable reasons. Perhaps that’s the key: to try things out a little randomly and then be pleasantly surprised. You comfort me, I feel we’re all going to get better.>>> on Forum topic - Fear of taking on too much
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by: 1Melody1 -
I agree that relaxation is hard to sink into now. I do have some time now for the first time in decades. With my daughter at school, now my workday might be 8-10 hours. After that I tend to make a super easy dinner (boil some fresh pasta, a store-bought rotisserie chicken with bagged salad) and flop down in my bed to eat it and watch something. I do struggle with feeling guilty for not being productive and I don't always fully enjoy it, but I can tell it's helping me because after a few hours,...>>> on Forum topic - Fear of taking on too much
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by: J -
What I'm doing is not the norm, but then again, I'm not the norm either. I'll take it as a compliment instead, that you'd consider my route a viable one for yourself under different conditions. You never know what's going to happen in the future, having a road map of someone else who's found a way to make it work can only be a good thing when you find yourself with very few options. Personally, I find myself feeling less trapped when I know I have an alternative plan there waiting if needed....>>> on Forum topic - Feeling hopeless after moving cross country for her
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by: Chervil -
That is fair, and I apologize for the mischaracterization. "Not all who wander are lost". The contempt free lifestyle sounds so appealing. If it weren't for my children, I may have very well gone that route!>>> on Forum topic - Feeling hopeless after moving cross country for her
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by: J -
Allowing people to be wrong is the most empowering thing I think I've done in recent memory. When you can truly do that, it requires no action on your part what so ever. So based on what I just said, the answer to your question is nothing. I think the advise already given is good as well. I'll only add to it... Many years ago, I met Billy Joel at a sound check before his concert with other people I worked with. When it was time to get to work ( him needing to get ready for his...>>> on Forum topic - What Can I Do About People Thinking I Am Mentally ill when I am not?
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by: J -
Chervil, it may sound like I'm not "on my feet" living without a brick snd morter dwelling...but I have created a lifestyle that is far from "homeless" with some distinct benefits from living a tradotional life and my overall health is reaping the rewards. One of the most profound things I've noticed since embarkimg on this adventure is a boundary I've established that cannot be discounted, in fact, it's the cornerstone of this intenrional lifestyle.... No contempt!! I live in a "contempt free"...>>> on Forum topic - Feeling hopeless after moving cross country for her
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by: Chervil -
OMG thank you! I honestly needed that last part. I will remind myself of this next time she snaps at me for existing. I really appreciate your insight. And yeah, I think you're right about the comfort level thing. A part of me just says she should get over herself. Another part understands what she has been through the last few years (too much to share honestly), and has endless compassion for her. But I have identified it as emotional and verbal abuse. If she loves me, why make me a permanent...>>> on Forum topic - Feeling hopeless after moving cross country for her
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by: J -
Not only is it not your job to regulate ( or co -regulate ) your wife, it's not even possible to do for another person. Why it doesn't work.>>> on Forum topic - Feeling hopeless after moving cross country for her
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by: J -
This made me laugh:"She calls it questing, when she loses track of time...". Chervil, there's so much to unpack and say tp your entire situation, that I thought I could offer just a few bits of insight. I've experienced so much of this on both sides that I can speak to what I think is BS or not. And I don't mean to make light of something that I've suffered greatly from myself. I'm just at the point of seeing how rediculous this can be. And I'm still struggling and at times, angry, from...>>> on Forum topic - Feeling hopeless after moving cross country for her
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m glad you’re doing better!>>> on Forum topic - Fear of taking on too much
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by: honestly -
With my ex around there was always so much pressure to do his stuff; I’d carry the logistical weight but the goal would be something for him. His work, his interests, his family. Now I find doing very low key stuff simply because I want to sometimes will help open up the possibility of doing more. For eg I am now planning- it sounds crazy- to go swimming once a week. For years that would have felt too much on top of survival. And I booked some theatre tickets for a show I wanted to see. So there is a...>>> on Forum topic - Fear of taking on too much
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