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by: Swedish coast -
I’m so sorry about this. It seems ADHD is both general executive dysfunction and specifically blindness to how it affects partners. The recurrent thought I have is the ADHD mind has only itself as a reference point. It can accept it’s own emotions and thoughts and it’s own logic. It wants to live accordingly. When it’s coupled with another kind of mind (and especially has small children with it) the ADHD mind doesn’t see it lets the partner’s expectations down. And the effect is brutal...>>> on Forum topic - My marriage is falling apart.
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by: 1Melody1 -
Hey pathc. I'm so sorry things have worsened. I just wanted to say that I know what it's like to be beyond depleted as you are right now with no good options in front of you. It's the worst. When you can find the strength, I would recommend consulting with a lawyer on the financial situation. If you are a stay at home parent, work part time or make less, you may have rights in terms of child and even spousal support in the event of a split. It may take some of the fear out of that part or if it's not...>>> on Forum topic - Things you have found helped you and you’re spouse with ADHD
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by: pathc -
I just want to say please be proud of yourself and what you have and are continuing to achieve. I cried reading your post as the wife in the situation I pray to every god in the land as my heart breaks that my husband can get this type of clarity on the situation and our marriage. Routing for you and you’re wife>>> on Forum topic - Navigating a New Diagnosis and Impact on Marriage
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by: pathc -
Thanks for the advice. It appears my marriage has come to ahead after he received his diagnosis he has behaved uncontrollably going out and not coming home till the early hours without communication etc. I have withdrawn and he has now told me I am making his life hell it’s all me and became angry stating he wants to move on with his life and find someone else. I feel broken I have sacrificed my own career finances and happiness to support him for years. We have 3 young children. I thought him seeking...>>> on Forum topic - Things you have found helped you and you’re spouse with ADHD
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by: J -
This is my theory, or at least, what I think is not getting factored in into my last response. It helps me, at the very least, decipher the two different languages which directly affects responsibility. If anything, this helps me understand [ what ] I'm seeing? “You caused my distress → therefore you're responsible for fixing my distress → if you don't fix it, you're continuing to cause the problem." Or more simply: “You caused how I feel, your behavior needs to change, and once you...>>> on Forum topic - Chaos & Capacity
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by: J -
"If you are a 10-gallon person stop lookin for a 10-gallon response from a pint-sized person" That pretty much shows this relationship, in simple terms, that's are easy to understand. I understand it, and I also understand capacity in the way you're referring to it. I think you're right, in fact, I know you are. I know it because of my gifts. Saying it this way, my gifts give me the capacity to do things seen as, above average or they "stand out" as different in a positive way to others...>>> on Forum topic - Chaos & Capacity
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by: J -
"If you are a 10-gallon person stop lookin for a 10-gallon response from a pint-sized person" That pretty much shows this relationship, in simple terms, that's are easy to understand. I understand it, and I also understand capacity in the way you're referring to it. I think you're right, in fact, I know you are. I know it because of my gifts. Saying it this way, my gifts give me the capacity to do things seen as, above average or they "stand out" as different in a positive way to others...>>> on Forum topic - Chaos & Capacity
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by: Swedish coast -
Hello Off the Roller, you describe this so well. I’m sure you’re right, your capacity greatly exceeds his. It’s natural for anyone to expect what they themselves can offer. In my life, it’s currently family of origin, however resourceful in many ways, who can’t reciprocate socially or give emotional safety. It’s hurt immensely the last few years and I still sometimes go back to ask for things they don’t have. Then I feel like a horrible, demanding person. Every time I plead we do...>>> on Forum topic - Chaos & Capacity
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by: J -
Again, I can only give insight and things I've experienced myself or observed in my own family or in relationships I've had but, I am well aware of a number of things you mentioned especially when it comes to this: "When shes doing a task you dare not speak to her - its as if she can't even spend 20 secs to reply. Oh and try and get her to stop she gets nasty - almost like trying to take drugs off a drug addict." As I see this, this is just one part of the equation, there are a number of...>>> on Forum topic - Massive hyperfocusing - wife DX
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by: J -
Glad I helped you with that and I can honestly say, I make myself laugh as well...at myself of course!>>> on Forum topic - Things you have found helped you and you’re spouse with ADHD
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by: pfoel -
thanks - yeh we sort of do that now BUT she won't even trust anyone else to do anything. We've even had a house cleaner in the past but they don't do a good enough job.....<br> Oh I'm sure ADHD/Autistic people are brill in an emergency and, I imagine, as employees. They just won't stop. Its doesn't work so well when you're out, the kids are hungry, but "just got to finish this last bit of painting" Or its 11pm and "those floors really need to be cleaned">>> on Forum topic - Massive hyperfocusing - wife DX
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by: pfoel -
yes its very difficult when you can see the "damage" too I really dont know what I can do to be honest. Shes got WAY worse last few weeks... Maybe I need to work on me and accepting it a little..... Like I said though I do get dragged into the "think like me" as if its ADHD by proxy for me!>>> on Forum topic - Massive hyperfocusing - wife DX
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by: pfoel -
thanks - yeh we sort of do that now BUT she won't even trust anyone else to do anything. We've even had a house cleaner in the past but they don't do a good enough job..... Oh I'm sure ADHD/Autistic people are brill in an emergency and, I imagine, as employees. They just won't stop. Its doesn't work so well when you're out, the kids are hungry, but "just got to finish this last bit of painting" Or its 11pm and "those floors really need to be cleaned">>> on Forum topic - Massive hyperfocusing - wife DX
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by: honestly -
especially that bit where you don’t dare talk to her. With my ex, I got so I couldn’t even agree with him without being snapped at.>>> on Forum topic - Massive hyperfocusing - wife DX
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by: Off the roller ... -
hi J - I was curious about your linking being single and resigning yourself to loneliness. Not to be gendered-bias but I'm assuming you're a male (now that I think of it, you have said it in previous posts) because this is a very male-centric way of thinking and I'd like to challenge it (in the spirit of community here that we have!). Maybe being single and not in a committed, long term romantic relationship is the path forward for you and what will happen in your future. But that doesn't...>>> on Forum topic - Alternative Treatment
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by: Off the roller ... -
Just sharing that I too understand what you're going through. It can be quite difficult to be on the receiving end or observe our ADHD-partner's hyperfocus/hyperactivity/etc only to see them heading straight for the rails with no self awareness of going over the edge - knowing that what's coming is for you to pick up. If I figure out how to head this off, I'll put it here. Just wanted to acknowledge that this is hard and it sounds hard for you too. You aren't alone. Although I have found...>>> on Forum topic - Massive hyperfocusing - wife DX
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by: Off the roller ... -
Ah J, you have a way with words and storytelling that I've come to really appreciate on this forum. Your comparison to your new puppy had me laughing out loud literally as well as saying things in response to your comment... only for you to come to the same conclusion! :)>>> on Forum topic - Things you have found helped you and you’re spouse with ADHD
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by: Off the roller ... -
...what I've found is that there hasn't been anything really that I could do to help my spouse - except look after myself and work on my side of the street specifically and let him face the consequences of his actions, words and behaviour. I do echo Swedish in that for me, I found that doing 4-6 on their list also helped me. Especially finding where others had capacity for me and what I brought to the table. And also, it gave me some reprieve from the house we lived in together, the weather in...>>> on Forum topic - Things you have found helped you and you’re spouse with ADHD
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by: Swedish coast -
I hear you, Chervil. It’s troubling when the marriage pulls you off balance to such an extent. I worry too. The piano tuner turned up yesterday. This instrument has barely been played since he came last year. And when he asked about it and I admitted I hadn’t played much, he seemed disappointed in me. Don’t know why this really got to me, but cried after he left and couldn’t stop. I’m not my authentic self, not living my life, still in survival mode three years after divorce...>>> on Forum topic - Fear of taking on too much
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by: Swedish coast -
Hello, I don’t know more of your and your wife’s circumstances, but sometimes it helped us to divide chores between us. That meant both the responsibility to start and finish a certain task sat with one person. The other person then didn’t need to ’see’ the mess in question. It worked at least temporarily for us, me being the non-ADHD partner and the one paying attention to accumulated housework. When you describe your wife and her hyperfocus, it reminds me of an article that appreciated the...>>> on Forum topic - Massive hyperfocusing - wife DX
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