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by: J -
Something I just observed on social media...A man and wife ( her AuADHD ) and him nuerotypical, have a semi-humorous page where he asks her questions and she answers him to show ( everyone ) what theyre life is like together. Its performance, but adlib as well..with her being open to his questions for the camera. I caught something that drew my attention tp spmething she said. In this kind of "20 Questions" format...he was asking why she did something the way she did. Her response came back as...>>> on Forum topic - How do you talk to your AuDHD spouse who you suspect also has RSD and DESR?
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by: RockandAHardPlace -
Thanks “honestly”. Sounds from what I’m hearing so far, I should just go for it ASAP as there really isn’t a “good time”. Better to get it done and know the results now than wasting time. I really don’t know what I’d do if she pushes back and doesn’t take ownership. I truly believe she will address it, but I can’t be certain of that. That’s the hard part and probably why I’m so tentative and want to find the right moment. But maybe that never comes along. I sure would like to read...>>> on Forum topic - How do you talk to your AuDHD spouse who you suspect also has RSD and DESR?
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by: 1Melody1 -
I really hear you on the swallowing up. I strategized so much about when and how and then when I finally approached him with "perfection" (and kindness), he really just dismissed it. He couldn't see his own impact and had no intention of changing anything. That's why I wish I'd done it earlier. I would have known he wouldn't or couldn't change anything and I could have made my decisions accordingly. And if he had been willing to explore treatment with me, I would have had more "gas in the can"...>>> on Forum topic - How do you talk to your AuDHD spouse who you suspect also has RSD and DESR?
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by: Swedish coast -
I too have seen this depressing amnesia about resources moving in a way not agreed on… and there was never any explanation or resolution after. Having a sense of fairness, I feel this quality in my ex completely intolerable. And it makes me think considerably less of him nowadays.>>> on Forum topic - Deflection from Spouse
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by: J -
Swedish, what you mentioned is quite likely a big part of it, and I suppose it's just part of human nature for the person who gets left to have some remaining unresolved feelings even under the best of circumstances. I should have also included personal "account-ability", literally....a persons ability or capacity to do just that. What you mentioned is somewhat stereotypical or universal but it's also in the aftermath, not neccesarily during or where X just fell off a cliff or seemed to...>>> on Forum topic - Deflection from Spouse
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by: J -
Swedish, what you mentioned is quite likely a big part of it, and I suppose it's just part of human nature for the person who gets left to have some remaining unresolved feelings even under the best of circumstances. I should have also included personal "account-ability", literally....a persons ability or capacity to do just that. What you mentioned is somewhat stereotypical or universal but it's also in the aftermath, not neccesarily during or where X just fell off a cliff or seemed to...>>> on Forum topic - Deflection from Spouse
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by: Swedish coast -
I think in any human connection, degree of hurt is probably tied to clarity of recollection. When I broke up with my high school sweetheart decades ago, because he acted selfishly and took me for granted, it was obviously very painful for him. I had been in some pain during the relationship and felt liberated, moved away and didn’t think too much about the breakup. But he hurt for years. It was obvious. When we reconnected socially recently, I was mainly happy to find a piece...>>> on Forum topic - Deflection from Spouse
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by: J -
.... about how things are in that ADHD universe, it has little resemblance to mine." Yout query struck a cord Swedish, and this is something I'm still activitly trying to figure out....both for myself and my X as I process our time together. This is one of those, "I think I might know" based solely on myself and my observations. I wish I did had the answer but "I think I might know" is about as close as I can get. My first question is however, "how can two people ( both with ADHD ) be so...>>> on Forum topic - Deflection from Spouse
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by: honestly -
My ex only listened to my requests for change when I finally asked for a divorce. Over the previous years - decades - I had asked at first tentatively, but then considerately, reasonably, for other changes from him. Because of RSD, he made me the problem. Out of exhaustion and frustration once in a while I would complain angrily, and that, he decided, was due to a character flaw in me. He told me I was negative, critical and cruel. Twenty five years together and I had become badly eroded by this...>>> on Forum topic - How do you talk to your AuDHD spouse who you suspect also has RSD and DESR?
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by: RockandAHardPlace -
Yes, i many times wished I’d already addressed this. And I may just do it soon as it’s swallowing me up these days. I’m trying to keep some calmness in my thoughts about this, but that’s not so easy! How did that conversation go for you, 1Melody1? What was his reaction? And yours?>>> on Forum topic - How do you talk to your AuDHD spouse who you suspect also has RSD and DESR?
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by: adhdat48W -
Hi, I’m sorry, it must be quite stressful for you to try to find a good moment or way to communicate it. I was very recently diagnosed as a 40+ woman, and i think my ADHD is genetic, from my mum who i’m pretty sure, has RSD (it has always complicated her relationships, but she and dad are still married all their life, happily though not conflict-free). I think you need to tell her asap, otherwise it will harm your intimacy & trust, you should not walk on the eggshells, it kills the...>>> on Forum topic - How do you talk to your AuDHD spouse who you suspect also has RSD and DESR?
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by: 1Melody1 -
I went through this in my marriage as well. How to bring these things up? How to say it in just the right way? How not to hurt them? How to impart that addressing this would really potentially benefit them, our relationship and the household? What I wish I'd done is just to say it. I learned that there was no perfect way or perfect time for me to do it without my spouse (over)reacting. Agonizing over the when and how really prolonged my pain and let more resentment build. I wish I had known that...>>> on Forum topic - How do you talk to your AuDHD spouse who you suspect also has RSD and DESR?
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by: RockandAHardPlace -
Thanks for the empathy, Swedish coast, but I am looking for positivity. :-) Nowhere did I suggest I was considering ending the marriage. I am looking for options on how to discuss this with someone that tends to not react well to these types of conversations. I've read until my eyes are crossed about AuDHD, RSD, DESR and how DBT and/or ACT therapy can help, and the possibilties of improvement that the meds guanfacine or clonidine provide. Has anyone experienced improvements either with their spouse or...>>> on Forum topic - How do you talk to your AuDHD spouse who you suspect also has RSD and DESR?
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by: honestly -
So you shut down emotionally, and he prefers it. This really tracks with my experience- any emotional response of mine at all, including to things most human beings would consider highly emotionally charged (including childbirth), was considered too big. Shutting down is, it seems, what is required of us, because an emotionally shut down spouse ceases to put any demands on them at all. It’s bleak. I hope for you the shut down is a phased withdrawal, a step towards becoming more alive elsewhere...>>> on Forum topic - Different levels
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by: Swedish coast -
I truly empathize. You see a worsening of your marriage, her mental and physical health, but have a hard time talking to her about it because, presumably, of RSD signs when she senses criticism. This is a key difficulty for many of us who’ve loved ADHD people. They don’t feel they’re anything but normal. Their reality that may seem distorted to us, is right for them. They resent their behavior being discussed as problematic. They simply don’t agree with us. Which is why they don’t care to...>>> on Forum topic - How do you talk to your AuDHD spouse who you suspect also has RSD and DESR?
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by: RockandAHardPlace -
I have a spouse that I suspect has AuDHD, RSD and DESR. So I hear you loud and clear! I don't even know how to begin having a discussion about her getting a thorough evaluation, or seeking treatment and medication, as it will just spiral out of control. I also think that all of the physical ailment that she continually mentions would disappear with proper treatment. I know your post was 10 months ago, so how are things now?>>> on Forum topic - Support for person on receiving end of RSD/DESR
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by: Cinder_ella_20 -
Your post resonates with me so much. I feel for you. You're not alone! I'm 20+ years into my relationship and my partner's symptoms have also gotten more pronounced as the years went by, probably the last 5. I feel like I carry most of the load at home with the kids and pets, while also working. Now I'm at the same point as you where want to just scream also. I agree with Swedish Coast. There isn't much you can do. He has to be aware of his symptoms and how they affect your relationship...>>> on Forum topic - Burned out partner
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by: adhd32 -
Ironically, today marks 10 years on this forum for me. Unfortunately we can no longer read one another's historic posts here so l'll just say that things don't change unless the ADDer wants to put in the time and effort to manage their condition. Over the years everything was tailored to accommodate his needs and likes because it avoided arguments. We had a typical adhd homelife w me working and caring for the kids and the home while he complained, threw up roadblocks, diminished me and the kids,...>>> on Forum topic - Different levels
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by: Cinder_ella_20 -
Your post is so honest and I appreciate you sharing. You need to decide for yourself if you want to keep living the status quo in your relationship or choose yourself and go on a different path. You deserve to live your life in a fulfilling way for yourself. We only get one chance to live it! I am in the same place as you are in my thought process. I won't tell you what to do, as it's a personal decision. I've read books, asked questions, saw a therapist, and approached my partner...>>> on Forum topic - Different levels
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by: 1Melody1 -
Not about finances. but I had the same struggles in my marriage trying to get my then-husband to see the impact of his actions on others. I don't know that there is a way unless your therapist can break through, and even then, the story he tells himself in his mind is what likely wins. With me, I was working, doing all the parenting, cooking, cleaning, etc. When I was frustrated and exhausted, he saw that as my problem... I do too much. Not that I HAD to do too much because he did nothing. When...>>> on Forum topic - Deflection from Spouse
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