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by: 1Melody1 -
No amount of effort, love, patience, support, etc. from you can fix any of this for him. It has to come from him. His moods, drinking and mental health are not your fault. I hope you can find your way out of this. Speaking from personal experience, being single can be blissfully peaceful. When you look back on it years from now, you'll wonder why you didn't leave years earlier. Would he have supported and poured himself into you the way you have him? I hope you can go recoup your energy and then pour...>>> on Forum topic - So resentful
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by: ChipsnBeans -
Thank you for your kind words>>> on Forum topic - So resentful
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by: Swedish coast -
This you just wrote is such an excellent description of life with an inattentive ADHD partner. I recognize all of it. The love, the trying, the exhaustion from compensating for their inertia. The social isolation and embarrassment. It’s maddening with a situation like this. I felt I was losing my mind, and that our life was slowly transformed into a nightmarish landscape of inevitability. I wish I had advice, or something useful to offer you. Instead there’s only this: I’ve spent...>>> on Forum topic - Feel like I'm losing my life to my partner's ADHD. Things feel dark.
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m so sorry. This is an awful situation you’re in. Dysregulated ADHD with additional complications (depression, anxiety) and heavy drinking is not something a partner can be expected to manage. Please acknowledge what you’re experiencing is traumatic. I’d try to get help from the medical profession and also social services. You and your children should be protected from this. Sending my best wishes.>>> on Forum topic - So resentful
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by: J -
That's the analogy: too many pages and choices to have to narrow down to just one or two. Swedish, you mentioned two different things at the beginning and end of your post about complex PTSD and not getting much emotional reward. I think there's a relatiinship between the two, more than you might think? For me, this gets into the HSP ( highly sensitive person ) realm...where I have to remind myself, that my baseline may be higher than most peoples in that regard. I think, in part, because...>>> on Forum topic - It’s worth it, trying out the unknown
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by: honestly -
You have my sympathies and as ever Swedish makes excellent points. I’d add that with a diagnosis can also come a whole new level of (erroneous) self- justification since nothing can now be considered their fault: they have a condition. This sense of validation can also be compounded by (even ADHD specialist) therapists. My ex, having worn me to a shadow, blamed me for every problem we had and eroded my sense of self until I genuinely believed I was a terrible person, negative and critical and cruel,...>>> on Forum topic - My marriage is falling apart.
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by: honestly -
Massive congratulations on your progress. There’s so much weight and inertia and responsibility and fear when you have a partner with ADHD. It takes a lot to break out. I feel some brightening myself, though this conditioning is heavy and hard to break. I’m so glad you are getting there. Xx>>> on Forum topic - It’s worth it, trying out the unknown
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m so sorry about this. It seems ADHD is both general executive dysfunction and specifically blindness to how it affects partners. The recurrent thought I have is the ADHD mind has only itself as a reference point. It can accept it’s own emotions and thoughts and it’s own logic. It wants to live accordingly. When it’s coupled with another kind of mind (and especially has small children with it) the ADHD mind doesn’t see it lets the partner’s expectations down. Those expectations...>>> on Forum topic - My marriage is falling apart.
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by: Off the roller ... -
Swedish your post brought me some much needed joy at a hard time for me. I'm so glad to hear that you ventured out and lived to tell about it. More of that, please and thanks.>>> on Forum topic - It’s worth it, trying out the unknown
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by: 1Melody1 -
Hey pathc. I'm so sorry things have worsened. I just wanted to say that I know what it's like to be beyond depleted as you are right now with no good options in front of you. It's the worst. When you can find the strength, I would recommend consulting with a lawyer on the financial situation. If you are a stay at home parent, work part time or make less, you may have rights in terms of child and even spousal support in the event of a split. It may take some of the fear out of that part or if it's not...>>> on Forum topic - Things you have found helped you and you’re spouse with ADHD
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by: pathc -
I just want to say please be proud of yourself and what you have and are continuing to achieve. I cried reading your post as the wife in the situation I pray to every god in the land as my heart breaks that my husband can get this type of clarity on the situation and our marriage. Routing for you and you’re wife>>> on Forum topic - Navigating a New Diagnosis and Impact on Marriage
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by: pathc -
Thanks for the advice. It appears my marriage has come to ahead after he received his diagnosis he has behaved uncontrollably going out and not coming home till the early hours without communication etc. I have withdrawn and he has now told me I am making his life hell it’s all me and became angry stating he wants to move on with his life and find someone else. I feel broken I have sacrificed my own career finances and happiness to support him for years. We have 3 young children. I thought him seeking...>>> on Forum topic - Things you have found helped you and you’re spouse with ADHD
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by: J -
This is my theory, or at least, what I think is not getting factored in into my last response. It helps me, at the very least, decipher the two different languages which directly affects responsibility. If anything, this helps me understand [ what ] I'm seeing? “You caused my distress → therefore you're responsible for fixing my distress → if you don't fix it, you're continuing to cause the problem." Or more simply: “You caused how I feel, your behavior needs to change, and once you...>>> on Forum topic - Chaos & Capacity
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by: J -
"If you are a 10-gallon person stop lookin for a 10-gallon response from a pint-sized person" That pretty much shows this relationship, in simple terms, that's are easy to understand. I understand it, and I also understand capacity in the way you're referring to it. I think you're right, in fact, I know you are. I know it because of my gifts. Saying it this way, my gifts give me the capacity to do things seen as, above average or they "stand out" as different in a positive way to others...>>> on Forum topic - Chaos & Capacity
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by: J -
"If you are a 10-gallon person stop lookin for a 10-gallon response from a pint-sized person" That pretty much shows this relationship, in simple terms, that's are easy to understand. I understand it, and I also understand capacity in the way you're referring to it. I think you're right, in fact, I know you are. I know it because of my gifts. Saying it this way, my gifts give me the capacity to do things seen as, above average or they "stand out" as different in a positive way to others...>>> on Forum topic - Chaos & Capacity
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by: Swedish coast -
Hello Off the Roller, you describe this so well. I’m sure you’re right, your capacity greatly exceeds his. It’s natural for anyone to expect what they themselves can offer. In my life, it’s currently family of origin, however resourceful in many ways, who can’t reciprocate socially or give emotional safety. It’s hurt immensely the last few years and I still sometimes go back to ask for things they don’t have. Then I feel like a horrible, demanding person. Every time I plead we do...>>> on Forum topic - Chaos & Capacity
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by: J -
Again, I can only give insight and things I've experienced myself or observed in my own family or in relationships I've had but, I am well aware of a number of things you mentioned especially when it comes to this: "When shes doing a task you dare not speak to her - its as if she can't even spend 20 secs to reply. Oh and try and get her to stop she gets nasty - almost like trying to take drugs off a drug addict." As I see this, this is just one part of the equation, there are a number of...>>> on Forum topic - Massive hyperfocusing - wife DX
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by: J -
Glad I helped you with that and I can honestly say, I make myself laugh as well...at myself of course!>>> on Forum topic - Things you have found helped you and you’re spouse with ADHD
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by: pfoel -
thanks - yeh we sort of do that now BUT she won't even trust anyone else to do anything. We've even had a house cleaner in the past but they don't do a good enough job.....<br> Oh I'm sure ADHD/Autistic people are brill in an emergency and, I imagine, as employees. They just won't stop. Its doesn't work so well when you're out, the kids are hungry, but "just got to finish this last bit of painting" Or its 11pm and "those floors really need to be cleaned">>> on Forum topic - Massive hyperfocusing - wife DX
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by: pfoel -
yes its very difficult when you can see the "damage" too I really dont know what I can do to be honest. Shes got WAY worse last few weeks... Maybe I need to work on me and accepting it a little..... Like I said though I do get dragged into the "think like me" as if its ADHD by proxy for me!>>> on Forum topic - Massive hyperfocusing - wife DX
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