Recent Comments
- by: c ur self - I've watch my wife hoard and be messy for 16 years...Only at Christmas or when one of our family is coming in from out of town to visit, does she go on what I call a shame cleaning binge...With her hate for anything mundane (in her mind) or rhetorical, that lacks a dopamine producing feature like cleaning, organizing and things that doesn't have a thrilling element to it, she will always put off, dodge completely or half do it....It's a reality of mind we can't understand even if someone tried to explain...>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: c ur self - We had so many good talks (by posts)....I never will forget the night we decided ADD wasn't a problem....As long as never use it as an excuse to hurt others...I still believe that...Hope you are well my friend.... c>>> on Forum topic - The Silent Suffers
- by: c ur self - Try to see her as an independent agent, when she starts down a road you don't recognize, and you would never go down...First, nothing good will come out of engaging negativity....It's not your's to own, no matter she is your spouse....The walking away and saying never mind is as close as my wife get's to looking in the mirror and trying to take ownership of her emotions...We must let them walk away.... c>>> on Forum topic - How to compassionately respond to RSD
- by: Swedish coast - I'm so glad you feel some things are already better. I will hope for you to disentangle further in this peaceful way. It seems like you've been successful in communicating your needs and that he is willing to listen and treat you respectfully. I wish you all happiness going forward!>>> on Forum topic - Update on leaving ....
- by: BurnedOutLady - I am overly empathetic. I feel a lot of pain in this world. And I feel my ADHD husband's pain. I am empathetic to his childhood pain, to the PTSD in his family. Every time I have come close to leaving him (which I just did), I always started feeling the pain that would cause him and honestly I have never wanted to hurt him that much. Also, in order to avoid killing him many times, I have had to force myself into compassion and empathy that I honestly didn't really want to feel. It was the only way to...>>> on Forum topic - Can ADHD marriage make nons too empathetic?
- by: BurnedOutLady - Sigh.>>> on Forum topic - My Non-ADHD Partner Always Feels Invalidated... Help Me Validate Him!
- by: BurnedOutLady - Hi there ... I would like to ask you whether your issues with ADHD includes not cleaning up after yourself, making messes, clutter, lack of organization, etc? If so, I would love your perspective on exactly how you experience this yourself. So I can perhaps understand my husband better. If this is not your issue feel free to disregard. But if it is, and if it impacts your partner, I would like to hear your side of the story.>>> on Forum topic - The fourth entity present in ADHD marriages?
- by: Swedish coast - I agree with you. Society has high expectations on everyone and on parents (and mothers) especially. These expectations seem less than reasonable considering what people in reality are capable of. My impression is most friends and acquaintances have neurodivergent family members who can't manage school or workplace environments or digital demands, or social cues. We've designed a competitive and excluding society. My personal belief is it's an effect of capitalism and also the industrial era's isolation...>>> on Forum topic - The fourth entity present in ADHD marriages?
- by: Swedish coast - "No one outside of our four walls can see the Jekyll and Hyde behaviour. They think he is wonderful. And shamefully, we’ve lost friends and alienated family members - or rather, I have because I can hardly bite back my rage towards him." This is true for me as well. The alienation because I've been confused, ashamed and exhausted and was frustrated with family and friends for leaning on me too when I was already carrying a ton. Thank you for sharing.>>> on Forum topic - Is it me
- by: adhd32 - And when the first reaction is hurtful for no apparent reason, yes, it really matters. The ADDer spews out hurtful things and gets their rush because they can't handle their feelings and the non is dumbfounded and heartbroken. The ADDer got their rush and then gets angry that the non is still crushed hours later. This slowly chips away at the non's self worth. If they said it, they meant it. Saying sorry doesn't make it right.>>> on Forum topic - My Non-ADHD Partner Always Feels Invalidated... Help Me Validate Him!
- by: adhd32 - Listen to the comment and do not speak. Do not formulate a response. Just remain quiet and open your mind to the possibility that the person asking you to please run the vacuum just wants help to clean the floors. They are not implying anything else. They are not commenting on how they feel about you or your past. They are not secretly editorializing on your character or your past transgressions, YOU are. You are mentally bringing up unresolved feelings from the past and reacting to them in the current...>>> on Forum topic - My Non-ADHD Partner Always Feels Invalidated... Help Me Validate Him!
- by: Off the roller ... - AlphabetDave, you have NO IDEA how much your reply there meant to me, a non-ADHD in a 17 year marriage that has been decimated by RSD/ADHD in the last 4 years. Knowing a bit of your story and what you have shared, I have read your reply now 8x at least and it helps me to understand my husband (adhd, newly dx last year) and maybe what is going on for him. That doesn't excuse his behaviour of course, but thank you for sharing that, it could not have been easy.>>> on Forum topic - My Non-ADHD Partner Always Feels Invalidated... Help Me Validate Him!
- by: mstdn - Thank you!>>> on Forum topic - How to compassionately respond to RSD
- by: Swedish coast - The defensiveness of my experience was not accompanied by much self-awareness. As a rule, it catapulted as a quick pain reaction I think. There was no ability to neither control it nor analyze it or take responsibility for it. So yes - initial reaction was pretty much also the final reaction. It wasn't pretty.>>> on Forum topic - My Non-ADHD Partner Always Feels Invalidated... Help Me Validate Him!
- by: HalcyonLuna - Yeah I think what that one commentor stated about how it gradually chips away at the trust is what's doing it for my partner. He becomes weary of ever actually bringing up how he feels with me because he's come to expect the defensiveness as the immediate response when all he's looking for is for me to tell him that I care about how he feels and that I recognize what part I played in making him feel that way. Like,,, it's all well and good that I know exactly what I'm doing wrong, but I am so angry with...>>> on Forum topic - My Non-ADHD Partner Always Feels Invalidated... Help Me Validate Him!
- by: 1Melody1 - My ex could not really get past defensiveness but another important ADHD person in my life recognizes this trait in themselves and quickly course corrects, usually within minutes. "Sorry I got defensive there... sometimes my RSD still gets the better of me. What you asked was totally reasonable. I hear what you're saying about XYZ..." etc. It feels very good to me to hear this even after an initial defensive reaction and to be able to go on and have that conversation or start that project or whatever it...>>> on Forum topic - My Non-ADHD Partner Always Feels Invalidated... Help Me Validate Him!
- by: alphabetdave - Yeah this sounds like the flip side of my own experience at times. In my case (can't speak for your husband) it's just as frustrating for me - by which I mean my different reactions to my spouse, are very frustrating to me as well. For a long while I didn't really have any particularly close friends other than my wife and, it's something I've only really got back in the last year or so through connecting with other ADHD folk, and for me it's been really healing because, it's given me access to a side of me...>>> on Forum topic - My Non-ADHD Partner Always Feels Invalidated... Help Me Validate Him!
- by: shevrae - and I've only been in a long-term relationship with one partner with ADHD (28 years and counting) but when I've agonized for 3 days over how to say something trying to remember all the rules I've been given about how to say something properly to minimize the chances of defensiveness and try to remove all emotion from the issue but I really need something to be addressed and he is immediately defensive - yeah, it's frustrating and discouraging. After decades of this it's cause for me to immediately end the...>>> on Forum topic - My Non-ADHD Partner Always Feels Invalidated... Help Me Validate Him!
- by: alphabetdave - Does "the initial reaction" really matter this much? Don't get me wrong, I would much rather not have an initial reaction that is out of proportion to what is being said to me - neither myself or the OP are claiming that this is ideal. But if this is only the "initial reaction", and it it's only brief, and it's only defensive (I am not excusing actual abuse), and if the ADHDer recognises it as wrong, and recants, and then validates your feelings - is this not enough? This is a genuine question btw, not an...>>> on Forum topic - My Non-ADHD Partner Always Feels Invalidated... Help Me Validate Him!
- by: 1Melody1 - "Of all the people who came on this forum in the last 7 years who were looking for support to end things, not one came back to say they were mistaken and went back to their ADHD partner." O M G. You're right. If that isn't telling, what is?>>> on Forum topic - Is it me