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by: J -
...that IMHO, this is how God works. I attribute this to the creator. I'm not here to argue the existence of God or even what that word means. I have no idea what "God" is truly. I only understand how God works and this is it. I don't even have to know what God is ( what ever that thing we call "God" is ) to know "him" by his work. In the English language at least, there's no allowance for "it" in terms of God so by default humans give "it" a gender. Why would the creator need a gender? The...>>> on Forum topic - How to be Patient
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m sorry, J.>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: 1Melody1 -
I'm really sorry to hear about your sister. It sounds like she makes a lot of assumptions about who you are based on her own story about you. It's really frustrating when people create their own narratives and are so resolute about them. I can definitely understand your choice to remain outside of her orbit.>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: J -
I also considered the fact, that Jane might be my perfect mate...as my counter part. It's the only logical assumption I cam come up with ?>>> on Forum topic - How to be Patient
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by: J -
With what Swedish said : I generally don’t think people change much at all, and certainly not if they don’t want to. The first part I heard before, "people don't change". I've argued that they do before, but I now have a better idea of how to say what changes and what doesn't change, using myself as an example. This gets into the realm of the uncanny but what I'm about to say, is true. This is not some fictional accounting or vague memory of a dream or fantasy I had that did't happen. Its...>>> on Forum topic - How to be Patient
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by: honestly -
You could be my ex. I could be your wife. I lived through this, from her point of view. It's so sad. I feel for you, both of you. I'm almost crying here. I concur again with Swedish, that consistency is the best thing you can offer her now. Stick with it. Show up for her. Keep showing up for her. Be consistent, kind, and caring. Be present. After 25 years with someone with extreme inattentive ADHD, I don't think of it so much as insulin, or a broken leg. I think of it more a limitation on...>>> on Forum topic - Navigating a New Diagnosis and Impact on Marriage
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by: honestly -
What Swedish said: I agree.>>> on Forum topic - How to be Patient
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by: J -
and I have a case of it in my trunk.>>> on Forum topic - Scrutiny
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by: J -
I absolutely do not take this as an attack and appreciate your concern. And I remember the many discussions about your ex wife and how it went no where. You endured more than I think I could have so kudos to you for that. A few things about what I said. I've already moved past that and need to update that comment first of all. Instead of saying "not suited for a relationship " ..the edited version is more like, there's possibly fewer good matches for me. And even more specifically, I'm not...>>> on Forum topic - Scrutiny
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by: c ur self -
I hope you are well, I was just reading this thread...Lot's of your thoughts recorded here...I would like to respond to one thing you said in your first comment...And give my thoughts on something I've picked up for years, and in this thread...This is not an attack...Been sharing thoughts w/you for 13 years...I only want the best for you in life...You said that you have come to the conclusion that you just may not be cut out to be in a relationship...I have posted this reality (reality in my...>>> on Forum topic - Scrutiny
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by: Swedish coast -
To me, your expectations of sharing housework fairly are unquestionable. But they’re neurotypical expectations and might not be recognized by an ADHD mind. I generally don’t think people change much at all, and certainly not if they don’t want to. An ADHD husband who over time hasn’t prioritized his wife’s needs isn’t likely to change, at 23 or at 73. I’m also convinced that how the wife reacts to this doesn’t matter. One may put a lot of thought into one’s walking on eggshells, bringing things...>>> on Forum topic - How to be Patient
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by: Swedish coast -
Those are hard times your family has had and is having. Consistency I believe is the thing that may save your marriage. If you can sustain your new healthy habits for many months, your wife will see there is now a new chapter. I also think she probably has exhausted herself to a point where she doesn’t have much to add to anything. I did after 20 years of undiagnosed severe ADD husband and with three schoolchildren. Even when one lets go of bitterness (accepting that ADD partner...>>> on Forum topic - Navigating a New Diagnosis and Impact on Marriage
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by: J -
It sounds like you've found a work around with your parents and I only wish I could find that same avenue with my remaining family, my two sisters. Unfortunately, I'm fighting up against something I feel there's no solution or work around for in my own family, which has been verbally stated, out right by my older sister. Without actually realizing what she was saying, she revealed a mindset that has become set in stone, the die has been cast and nothing will ever change it. That's her mind I'm...>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: J -
.>>> on Forum topic - I feel like just giving up
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by: J -
I can't find it now, but someone recently used the expression "you can't find bluebells in the desert" caught my eye. I was trying to find in what context it was used but this notion has been spinning around in my head ever since which usually means for me, to stop and take a closer look. And just going back through this entire thread and reading all the comments looking for who said it helped me gain some insight on everything I heard. I have some thoughts of my own but also saying, I can relate to...>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: Swedish coast -
They obviously love you. You can be proud to have learned a way to be with them and not hurt so much. Thank you for your kindness.>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: 1Melody1 -
I don't think my parents can handle my pain. They don't know what to do. My dad has too much empathy and I think he's just afraid to say anything because he will feel so distressed and not know how to help me if he sees the full extent how I feel. He defaults to silence. I think my mom has too little empathy. She thinks about how things impact HER. Eg. your pain is hard for ME; I can't stand to see you like this; if this is happening to you then I'M a failure, etc. Regardless, it is what it is...>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: Swedish coast -
The only excuse for their behavior would be they’re incapable of handling our pain, out of empathy for us. Badly handled empathy. I often sense any negative emotion in me is precisely what triggers my parent into invalidation. We’ve come to a point, since I’ve been suffering for years, where any negativity in me, and my expectation of parents not wanting to accept it, makes the conversation go south. It’s really hard to never touch upon anything negative (even the weather) with a person who...>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: 1Melody1 -
Your outrage makes me feel so validated. Thank you so much for that. I feel so resentful about it but then guilty for feeling that way because I love them and they are actually good people. I rarely speak up for myself, but I did tell my mom that comment about antidepressants really hurt me and that I was grieving like a normal person. But since then I keep my pain to myself and I don't mention it. Only the positives about our lives. In her mind we're probably thriving. They do often ask how my ex-...>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m horrified about your parents and their attitude towards your ex husband’s passing. My parent too suggested I go on antidepressants - not for the cPTSD divorce left me with, but when I expressed they’d hurt me. Why are they so emotionally unintelligent? Why do they never speak of losses like the one you and your daughter experienced? Do they think it makes bad things go away? Don’t they realize they’re invalidate your loss, making everything feel ten times worse, and your...>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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