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by: honestly -
I was profoundly lonely in my marriage. No companionship at all; him locked into his hyperfocus and me spinning all the other plates. No physical affection, but the expectation of sex when he felt like it. I tried telling him I was lonely. I tried asking nicely for his company, for hugs and affection, and to be spoken to kindly. It didn’t work. Sometimes I got upset when he snapped at me. I occasionally lost my rag and stormed back at him. He told me I was critical and negative and cruel. I...>>> on Forum topic - Feeling Nonexistant
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by: Swedish coast -
I know what you’re saying. In my marriage to a severe ADD partner, his overwhelm made him feel everything was too much. Periodically he couldn’t sit down to dinner with our family of five. I concluded he shouldn’t really have had several children, a demanding career or mortgage. He should have lived differently. But for an academically gifted person, like your wife too, it seems achievable to live all those things, doesn’t it? In retrospect, it’s easy to understand these things. But...>>> on Forum topic - Feeling Nonexistant
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by: J -
like yours, there's a lot I can say to possibly add some insight having ADHD, but also from a male point of view. First, I want to point out a few things I see starting with: " I know I'm a failure, but it's my job." You said he hates it which is the contributing factor to his depression? You also mentioned: " However, my husband’s depression has led him to sacrifice his own joy, and he’s stuck in a job he hates. He’s been in a six-figure role (barely) for years, and although he can do...>>> on Forum topic - Depressed SO and my ADHD
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by: honestly -
I’m the non-ADHD; I’m separated from my husband. I had similar-but-different situations when my kids were wee. This included the expectation that the paternal grandparents (who I now understand had rampant ADHD) have time with the kids and without us. It used to scare the bejesus out of me. The refusal to acknowledge dangers - like properly fitting car seats- the lack of schedule, the utter incapacity to accept my opinion/rules for the kids were of value or relevance. I hated it. I let it...>>> on Forum topic - It has become a safety issue
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by: Swedish coast -
Sorry, I’m the non partner, perhaps my perspective is not what you want. But I can relate a lot to your husband’s stress, from my former marriage. 1) Not feeling it’s possible to change jobs or take any other (financial or other) risks because the family largely depends on me 2) Freaking out on chaos in the home when coming home from an excruciating work shift and my partner has been home for hours 3) Being so anxious and stressed by the combined work and home situation any...>>> on Forum topic - Depressed SO and my ADHD
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by: Swedish coast -
This anxiety is a hundred percent relatable. What happens when you’re attached to someone with ADD who is chronically passive or even actively messes things up, is your teeth grind, your muscles ache, your mind races feverishly for solutions. There are none, in my experience. You have no control of the limbs or mind of this other person who doesn’t function like you or understands your needs. You might try to explain, you can try for decades, the message doesn’t get through. You just get resented for...>>> on Forum topic - High functioning anxiety in ADHD spouse?
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by: honestly -
it looks like it takes a lot of us twentyish years. X>>> on Forum topic - stark choice
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by: honestly -
are in fact what keep us locked in the cycle of trying and giving and draining ourselves and never achieving any lasting progress; years passing and trying and trying and just getting more and more depleted and joyless.>>> on Forum topic - Supporting Each Other: Mental Health in Marriage
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by: Swedish coast -
You describe it so well honestly. It sounds like you’ve gotten out in time, before your spirits were squashed by inertia. I feel sometimes I wasn’t quick enough. You should see me travel these days for instance. I make stress mistakes - miss trains, go to the wrong gate, lose a passport in a cab in a foreign country… I’m a complete mess as soon as I leave my routines and familiar surroundings. Stress has put a permanent mark on my brain. Good you sensed your limits in time!>>> on Forum topic - I asked him
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by: Swedish coast -
C, I’m thrilled to hear it. The sweetness of that interaction you describe with your new friend! I hope you’ll both be very happy.>>> on Forum topic - I asked him
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by: honestly -
And the idea of being supported in one’s mental health or anything else… the disappointment just crushes you still more.>>> on Forum topic - Supporting Each Other: Mental Health in Marriage
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by: c ur self -
I'm proud of you for reaching out...I can see his thinking in his reply...He feels hopeless to ever attain to a level of behavior (be the person) that would suit you...No matter his feelings toward you...It's a real hard place that ADD (any minds for that matter) minds can find themselves...They accept the difference's more readily than a non...Because they are usually the winner...Do less, play more, etc...And because they can be the target of our disdain (the child) when responsibilities are ignored...>>> on Forum topic - I asked him
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by: honestly -
I know this - I’ve felt it in the past, how impossible things were, the massive weight of inertia. I could not face doing a thing. Even a trip to the cinema seemed too much. But in the past few days, capacity has opened up - I’m racing through the chores - mine and the few ones he did do and the ones he never did - but also I feel I can open out towards the world. Book a trip. Make plans. I feel lighter and capable and keen to do things. The weight of inertia has lifted.>>> on Forum topic - I asked him
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by: hollow -
Thank you Honestly. That is a great idea! I actually have a dairy, but I've never thought of writing my distant future instead of my present. I'll definitely give it a try!>>> on Forum topic - I feel trapped in my marriage. I need help!
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by: hollow -
Thank you Gadi for your kind and warm words. These past couple of days, things have been better. The support I've felt here has given me the courage to speak up more about my needs and concerns. My husband has been truly making an effort to not upset me, or to be more thoughtful with his words. I suffer from anxiety too, so I know some things I overthink them too much as well; but my husband has been truly making an effort to not upset me, or to be more thoughtful with his words. So for now...>>> on Forum topic - I feel trapped in my marriage. I need help!
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by: J -
I wasn't imagining things when I said I seemed to make a connection during this conversation. Instead of complaining about me "touching" her too much, she appears to be welcoming it, as it's intention, to express my feelings for her, is being recieved as given. This has definitely changed things since then. Not being rejected, or feeling like an inconvenience or nuisance, has certainly made a difference. I'm not even feeling a strong need for her to reciprocate. She expresses affection...>>> on Forum topic - An Observation
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by: Swedish coast -
Separating oneself identity-wise sounds very healthy. I enjoy being alone now, choosing my guests and entertainment, journaling, finding time to read, reflect, paint, talk endlessly on the phone whenever I want. It feels like the enriched and varied company is shaping my new identity. Part of the problem of living rather isolated with severe ADD in your partner is the condition seems contagious. Not the functioning, but perception of what’s possible, enough, too much. I...>>> on Forum topic - I asked him
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by: Swedish coast -
Thank you Sickandtired, that’s good advice.>>> on Forum topic - I asked him
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by: Swedish coast -
He adds he’s terrified by the thought of reuniting with me since he thinks he’ll disappoint me entirely again. That is certainly a valid point. Reconciling will not be possible without a therapist who can prevent him from blowing up once I remind him of the hurtful things he’s done. If those things can’t be mentioned, that’s not true reconciliation but just placating of his ego, I won’t have that.>>> on Forum topic - I asked him
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by: honestly -
I know what you mean about the shared stories and jokes. It’s the patina of time that builds up on any long relationship. It doesn’t indicate love - just time passing. I found myself thinking, of these things, Do i really think that? Is that mine? Do I believe that’s trune? I’ve started to scrape away those layers to find the woodgrain underneath.>>> on Forum topic - I asked him
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