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by: Neuchatel81 -
It is Saturday morning and husband is yet again on phone with clients. He continues to work 7 days a week. We spoke last week about him scheduling 1 day off per week (I have been asking for months if not years), and he told me it would take him a couple of weeks to do it. Wow! Guess that is really my answer to all. We are scheduled for Family Mediation in mid-September to try and compromise on the joint account that he now claims is all “his.” This is my last effort to try and save the...>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: Swedish coast -
So sorry about your fiancés behavior. Starting ADHD medication can be turbulent and as I’ve seen in my ex husband, personality altering. To a partner, it can be frightening. Admittedly, my ex had depression and anxiety on top of ADHD, as well as heritability for bipolar disorder. But I understand even with ADHD only, there are several options for medical treatment. The first one might not be the right one, or the dose may be wrong. Medication must be tailored to the person. We had the...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD Fiancé broke off our Engagement by text whilst over Medicated on Elvanse
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by: J -
"The part that really worries me is that my brain is wired like that, and I'll never be able to stop doing it. I am though hopeful about some of the newer therapies." Speaking only from my own experience. Therapy is what helped me shift my insecure attachememt to what's been been termed as "earned secure". You can change it yes, but it takes s lot of dedicated effort. It takes time and patience but it can be done. It's an on gojng process really, the more effort you put into it, the more it...>>> on Forum topic - I think I waited too long.
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by: Neuchatel81 -
Mediator unavailable till September. I was really hoping for an earlier date. Guess I have waited this long that I can wait another month.>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: ctrapper -
Yeah, I said I wasn't comfortable signing it. She did originally say that she wanted to sort of do the in house quite separation thing, which I sort of dismissed because it sounds awful (and still does). And the post-nup was sort of a way of saying to me I need something to know you are going to actually try and treat yourself if you want connection. More of insurance for herself so she could feel safe to be connected again, not as a threat. I told her I'd rather try and do the quiet separation...>>> on Forum topic - I think I waited too long.
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by: ctrapper -
Thanks for the feedback. Yes, I am under no delusion that this isn't a ME problem. And that is honestly what we do now. We'll go somewhere else for a nightcap. It also helps if we are having 2 drinks at dinner for me to just wait to order my 2nd. I don't consider this a significant problem anymore. But nice to know others have the same hangup. And yes, she has had to deal with the on/off for 20 years. More if you count our fairly long courtship. I have been recently reading "...>>> on Forum topic - I think I waited too long.
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by: J -
From reading your post, I spotted ( of pin pointed ) the one thing that would hurt me most in everything you said. You said you'd do just about anything here, so if it were me, this is what I'd need you to do. I'd focus on that "on/ off", intermittant connection thing you described. Everytime, my last partner would do this, it was like a dagger to the heart...repeateded daggers, over and over, every time she switched "off". I cannot express to you, how corosive that is over time. ( the daggers...>>> on Forum topic - I think I waited too long.
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by: 1Melody1 -
I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. I don't know if it's too late or not to salvage your relationship - that really depends on your wife's mindset. But either way, I would highly recommend you get a legal opinion before signing a post-nup. Nothing combative - just a truly fair and honest opinion on what's reasonable and customary in situations like yours. To assure her of your honesty, perhaps you can even go together to get a balanced opinion so both of you can see clearly how the finances...>>> on Forum topic - I think I waited too long.
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by: 1Melody1 -
Glad to hear that at least these are definitely joint funds, which really supports your right to have equal say over how they're spent/invested. Wishing you good luck!>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: Neuchatel81 -
Since husband did not place any of funds from his parents’ inheritance in separate accounts, they are now considered marital assets in our state. I am a somewhat hopeful mediation may give both of us some clarity (maybe to get him to finally see that putting more money into a nonprofitable business is not such a great idea), but also realize this is the “last chance” for saving our relationship and marriage. On some level, I feel as if he is blind to what he is doing since he is convinced he will...>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: Swedish coast -
Mediation sounds like an excellent choice. I’m keeping all fingers crossed.>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: J -
"Chief among the barriers to getting where we need to be is my wife's continued denial that she has ADHD." And "It's an absolute challenge to engage constructively with each other and maintain a positive outcome from a discussion and agreement to apply tools and approaches because the ADHD partner will not remember to apply them and/or is incapable of doing so "in the moment" in which the friction arises requiring them." And "She's forgotten you're there." The other therapist...>>> on Forum topic - Non-ADHD Partner: Check-In
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by: 1Melody1 -
Where I live, an inheritance given to an adult child is considered their money alone, even if married, providing they've kept it in a separate account. If they mix the funds in the household, like putting it towards the shared mortgage, etc., then it's considered household money. I'm sure there are exceptions to this. So depending on your laws, maybe legally he's correct, but in a marriage as long as yours, I feel like most couples would be collaborative about such decisions. I really hope...>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: Neuchatel81 -
Therapist told me today she believes family mediation is a great idea to try. I have called the lawyer I consulted with previously for a referral. I do not know if my husband will agree to it. After careful consideration, this is my last chance before making a decision to leave.>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: Swedish coast -
It struck me too - what you describe is a Herculean effort to balance something that is inherently unbalanced. As soon as there is a little less effort put in, there will be a tilt. And this matters since what I perceive as core ADHD dysfunction is exactly this: lack of consistency, lack of memory, lack of prioritization, compartmentalization and organized thought. In a matter of weeks, agreements in my marriage were always forgotten. Other stronger currents made behavior drift...>>> on Forum topic - Non-ADHD Partner: Check-In
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by: Off the roller ... -
I've re-read your post so many times. Im really struggling with the feelings it invokes in me because I can understand everything you wrote on such a deep level. I've been asked many times "what would I say to my son if he comes to me with the same problems im having now in my marriage" or "do you wish this for your kids?" And reading your post feels like ive had a mirror put up to me and im really struggling with how to process it. As I read, I kept wanting to say to you "what's...>>> on Forum topic - Non-ADHD Partner: Check-In
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by: Neuchatel81 -
Husband’s business has not been profitable since 2019. He keeps pumping retirement funds into business (since he now states 30% of our retirement funds are for his use only) since he only has an overly optimistic view of all his business planning (despite anything that has occurred in the past - he only wishes to look forward!). I have an appointment by myself with therapist tomorrow. I feel it is my decision to stay or go, but I am beginning to feel as if I am the unreasonable one due to...>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: Neuchatel81 -
Tried to talk to husband but he is offended I do not trust him after he has taken household funds to support his business. Three times he told me he would not do it, and yet he did so each time not even bothering to speak to me. I feel stupid I did not speak up earlier. He now insists that 30% of our retirement funds are “his” only, and he will use them as he sees fit for his business and will not allow me any veto power. He states I only wish to control all the money, while I tell him I just wish to...>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: Swedish coast -
Avoidance like you describe is so harmful to the relationship. It seems shutting down communication is a way for an overwhelmed ADHD person to avoid conflict. They think it’s the safe option. Instead it’s a highway to disaster. Thinking of you.>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: J -
"Over the last few years I've really started to question where ADHD ends and something more like narcissistic personality disorder begins. What is uncontrollable impulsivity, and what is just a basic disregard for other people? How much of his "insomnia" is his abuse of his adderall prescription, which he's been able to push up to 90mg/day?" I want to state up front, I'm not a doctor, pharmacist or expert in the field of drugs. My only expertise comes from my own experience but when I read this...>>> on Forum topic - I can't be my husband's advocate
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