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by: Neuchatel81 -
I do appreciate all the comments made. I realize I am part of the problem as boundaries were not set and maintained (a lot to do with my childhood and emotional abuse by Dad). I must admit I feel foolish and stupid for putting up with this behavior for so long. I am doing my best to see clearly now as at age 67 I do not wished to be in a poor financial situation once I quit working. This IS beyond hard. I managed to get an appointment with therapist for tomorrow (April 8) by myself to talk over...>>> on Forum topic - Inaccurate Labels
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by: J -
....as an art form. Ending at my last comment about acceptance didn't answer what's really beneath everything else. It's what I can't say, or the "thing" that goes unresolved...hence, the reason why you just have to accept it...."it" being the dynanic to be sure. In respect to my ex-So. I'm convinced that culture had a lot to do with our mismatches. What she deemed acceptable, I did not. That was a source of friction from the start and I'm able to see that more clearly than before. ...>>> on Forum topic - It's Insidious
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by: Swedish coast -
Reason may go out the window with ADHD in instances like this. To protect their self-esteem, an ADHD deciever might decide the problem isn’t their theft, but for instance you not appreciating them enough. I was thoroughly decieved. My ex told me when he moved out none of our agreements for 20 (undiagnosed) years had been real, since he’d always agreed with me for lack of choice. He took no responsibility for the choices we’d made. He then proceeded to accuse me of years of abuse. I...>>> on Forum topic - Inaccurate Labels
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by: 1Melody1 -
There are so many times I thought, "If I explained this situation to 100 strangers on the the street, 100 of them would be able to understand what I'm saying. Why can't he??" But my husband at the time couldn't. There were times that it didn't matter what I said or how I said it or how common-sense-logical a situation was, he could only see his perspective and it was unshakable. I don't think it was ill-intent, but an inability to comprehend his impact on other people. I'm really sorry that you...>>> on Forum topic - Inaccurate Labels
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by: adhd32 -
You didn't ever hold him accountable for his actions. First time was a warning but you did not set boundaries and hold him to them. He did it again and again with impunity knowing you would still be there accepting his financial abuse. Not sure why you are baffled, you accepted his actions multiple times in 5 years. It seems that you are not able to accept that he is a thief. It seems you are expecting him to miraculously change but the person who needs to changes YOU. Stop expecting changed behavior...>>> on Forum topic - Inaccurate Labels
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by: littleADHDlatina -
hi>>> on Forum topic - Adulting
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by: sickandtired -
ADHD is a brain function disorder. The executive functioning part of his brain developed differently than yours. Executive functions like planning, organizing and following through on promises are affected. He is literally unable to see that he has broken your trust. Let me make an analogy: Just like a person suffering from polio who is unable to walk is not “lazy”, a person suffering from adhd is not doing these things because he is “selfish”. He is literally unable to grasp that his behaviors cause...>>> on Forum topic - Inaccurate Labels
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by: Himeros -
People with a long track record of financial indiscipline are usually dreamers with highly educated unrealistic ‘plans’. An organised business person at inception tends to focus on the hard parts, the drudgery tasks, as getting through these is key to building a solid foundation, whereas the bad with money dreamer will put their energy into the fun bits, such as making pretty pictures for the business. My expectation is these guys mentioned above will never change their ways unfortunately...>>> on Forum topic - Inaccurate Labels
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by: Neuchatel81 -
I appreciate the comments. Even after all this time together, I am baffled that he is unable to comprehend that breaking a mutual agreement (not once but 3 times) is more than just “poor judgement” as he claims. I told him his actions broke my trust in him, but he just states that is “my opinion” as if it is not true. How is he unable to see that his actions are hurtful and selfish? Maybe I should be more realistic in that he has shown me multiple times that his business/clients are more important to...>>> on Forum topic - Inaccurate Labels
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by: goldenfleece -
Thanks we had tried her but she isn't taking on anyone else and we seem to be getting little response from the others - will keep trying!>>> on Forum topic - ADHD Couples Counselling UK (Swindon, Cheltenham or online)
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by: sickandtired -
I have a dear friend who is suffering in her old age because she didn’t rein in her husband’s thoughtless spending and dipping into their retirement accounts. She’s 72 now, and is forced to work as a school crossing guard because social security payments are not enough to live on. She hates her life now, and deeply regrets that she let his bad financial decisions ruin her quality of life in what is supposed to be her golden years. Swedish is right. Get an attorney. Your guy cannot change his...>>> on Forum topic - Inaccurate Labels
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by: Swedish coast -
So sorry to hear this. He does sound unaware of how his actions affect you, and even that he’s betrayed your agreement about retirement funds. I don’t think you should allow him control of your personal resources. I agree the best would be to get legal help immediately. ADHD showing up as betrayal like this is in my experience coupled with such shame that the person will do anything to deny the betrayal. If he can make you emotionally accept it and move on, he’s succeeded and can...>>> on Forum topic - Inaccurate Labels
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by: Neuchatel81 -
Husband was to speak to me yesterday about business plan/budget. His idea was to give me breakdown of new business venture to make money, nothing about business budget or cutting expenses. He also indicated that I am punishing him for his past broken promises by not agreeing to go ahead with the new house we had been planning (claims I am holding him hostage). It is too apparent that he is incapable of finding a way out of this behavior. I have needed surgery scheduled in mid-April that will...>>> on Forum topic - Inaccurate Labels
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by: Looking for hope -
I really feel you. Last year my wife decided after 3 years of being for all intents and purposes unemployed that she would go into business for herself. I did A LOT of work to help her make a business plan, make revenue projections, and decide whether to register as an S-Corp. (If you're not in the US or a tax nerd, know that it's just an option for how small business owners recognize the business's income.) Well it turns out she basically abandoned the business within a few months, having only...>>> on Forum topic - It's tax time again!
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by: J -
you slice it, it's still bread at the end the day. As the saying goes.>>> on Forum topic - Inaccurate Labels
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by: adhd32 -
You have been up against this for quite some time. The only way for a change to happen is on YOU. Call it a day and go see an attorney. Or, continue on w him draining your life savings for a business that isn't making money and go down with the sinking ship. There isn't another choice.>>> on Forum topic - Inaccurate Labels
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by: J -
C, what I heard was you saying your life was peaceful......then you said a bunch of other stuff about different parts of it.....then you ended by saying your life was peaceful....I'm glad to hear that. You also sound so much lighter than before.>>> on Forum topic - Divorced over a year now...
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by: Neuchatel81 -
Your comments really did strike home with me. For years I have thought that maybe it was me just being too particular and difficult. Now I realize that most of the time (not all) I am very reasonable in what I ask of him. I too hope he can make better choices at this point. I do see him making some effort but just hope it is not too little, too late for both of us.>>> on Forum topic - Inaccurate Labels
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by: Off the roller ... -
So I heard Karen Doherty on the adhd chatter podcast and just thought she was amazing. She's a UK Melissa :) (kidding admin!) But if you go to her site, I think she offers a list of trained therapist, at thr very least she has the right resources. She's got a TV show, blue therapy, on right now There is also a blog article by Rachel ban on this site that has questions you should ask the therapist. I used them recently and was able to suss put a therapist that claimed they were trained...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD Couples Counselling UK (Swindon, Cheltenham or online)
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by: honestly -
that attack thing; it’s RSD. Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. I’d ask my ex about his plans, for eg, and he would react as if I’d come at him with a knife. It’s a hall of mirrors. You’re the cast as the monster while he’s the one actually being mean. Oh but you can actually have RSD and be perfectly nice. My therapist told me. It’s just a case of recognising it for what it is and then not inflicting it on your loved ones. It’s a choice. You have my sympathy. I hope he can learn...>>> on Forum topic - Inaccurate Labels
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