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by: ChipsnBeans -
thank you everyone for taking the time to read my messages. it means a lot>>> on Forum topic - So resentful
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by: KatrinaVantassel -
This is the first time I have posted. I can feel the misery from behind your words, but you have to make decisions for you. It’s not even about blame, it’s just that he’s not taking responsibility, even for not drinking. He stops and blames you. I know he’s not all bad or you wouldn’t have married him. At the same time, his inability to take responsibility for his decisions, good or bad, keeps him stuck and keeps your relationship stuck. Somehow, you have to find your own path to happiness, whether...>>> on Forum topic - So resentful
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by: c ur self -
People who live toxic lives and in denial of it (excuses) will always choose blame...So go easy on yourself...The best thing you can do for him is what you are doing...Withdrawing from allowing yourself to be his easy target for blame...If he is ever going to own his behaviors and recognize his need for change, it will be when he feels alone and and has no one to blame... Prayers! c>>> on Forum topic - So resentful
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by: c ur self -
There's an old saying...Doing the same thing and expecting different results...Once I stopped making plans that seemed perfectly acceptable for 19 of the 20 of us...And realized I was married to the 1 of 20, only then did I find out what I must do to save myself...(sanity) Acceptance of a mind I could never understand, and would never emulate...One that I HAD to do things like, never trust anything she said, because she had proved for years she would never put legs on it a high percentage of the...>>> on Forum topic - Feel like I'm losing my life to my partner's ADHD. Things feel dark.
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by: c ur self -
I worked like a dog for 7 months after she finally moved (3 months turned into 11) to put my house in order (throw away, clean, paint, remodel)...And now I seem to find myself content w/ little...I am basically a minimalist.. I want agree to much of anything that in any way seems to be uncertain or chaotic...I want take jobs for pay any longer...I will help others free of charge out of love, but, I will not obligate myself any longer...I'm sure I'm scarred in ways I do not even understand...>>> on Forum topic - Fear of taking on too much
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by: c ur self -
You're situation is so heartbreaking as was these ladies who gave you so much great feedback...(and many who have posted here over the years) It's the story of my efforts for 17 years also... When we marry spouses who live in a mind that is a million miles away from being able to see, hear, recognize, or communicate concerning responsible living, and the impact of their excused irresponsible behaviors on others, we eventually reach the place that causes us to take action...I asked her to...>>> on Forum topic - My marriage is falling apart.
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by: StuckInCT3 -
Help or advise>>> on Forum topic - Looking for advise and help
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by: aspect_broadly -
I have been quietly sitting with the responses and want to say a huge thank you for the care you all have put into reading and sharing openly from your own stories. It means a lot and I'm feeling really grateful for this forum. A few updates -- mostly very encouraging! Our daughter was seen by a psychologist a few months ago and this past week we had a debrief. She has Level 1 autism! This is actually incredible news because it makes sense of so many things and gives us a lot of tools...>>> on Forum topic - Feel like I'm losing my life to my partner's ADHD. Things feel dark.
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by: Swedish coast -
J, I have different people around me affected in various ways with ADHD. In respect to Aspect broadly I think it’s fair to acknowledge there is a big difference between being lightly and severely affected. About your sisters I can’t guess, but the picture painted in the starter of this thread I recognize as similar to the severe inattentive ADHD I’ve encountered. And in contrast to the merely sometimes annoying habits of other family members, the impact of this is immense. Also, I...>>> on Forum topic - Feel like I'm losing my life to my partner's ADHD. Things feel dark.
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by: 1Melody1 -
It's potentially not much comfort now, but your son will see the truth one day and he may even already.>>> on Forum topic - So resentful
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by: J -
but probably not exactly how you might see it at the moment. Let me explain. You're depression is a real issue, it flavors everything you feel and say as I recognize your language at times in myself. The hopelessness comes from depression as well, and feeling trapped is directly connected. All of this can be changed and going a individual therapist is good advise. That part is for you, not necrssarily an answer to your marriage issues. This was probably the best thing I've done for myself which is...>>> on Forum topic - Feel like I'm losing my life to my partner's ADHD. Things feel dark.
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by: ChipsnBeans -
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I feel guilty as I have distanced myself from him over past year and have ran out of encouragement and now he's stopped drinking for 2 weeks Ive not said much about that either. I am not hopeful it will last. Glad hes making an effort - but it feels like a poison arrow as hes now saying to my older son - he's 'not allowed' a drink and its not worth the hassle if he has one. I feel angry sad and with nowhere to go.>>> on Forum topic - So resentful
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by: 1Melody1 -
No amount of effort, love, patience, support, etc. from you can fix any of this for him. It has to come from him. His moods, drinking and mental health are not your fault or responsibility. I hope you can find your way out of this. Speaking from personal experience, being single can be blissfully peaceful. When you look back on it years from now, you'll wonder why you didn't leave years earlier. Would he have supported and poured himself into you the way you have him? I hope you can go recoup your...>>> on Forum topic - So resentful
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by: ChipsnBeans -
Thank you for your kind words>>> on Forum topic - So resentful
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by: Swedish coast -
This you just wrote is such an excellent description of life with an inattentive ADHD partner. I recognize all of it. The love, the trying, the exhaustion from compensating for their inertia. The social isolation and embarrassment. It’s maddening with a situation like this. I felt I was losing my mind, and that our life was slowly transformed into a nightmarish landscape of inevitability. I wish I had advice, or something useful to offer you. Instead there’s only this: I’ve spent...>>> on Forum topic - Feel like I'm losing my life to my partner's ADHD. Things feel dark.
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m so sorry. This is an awful situation you’re in. Dysregulated ADHD with additional complications (depression, anxiety) and heavy drinking is not something a partner can be expected to manage. Please acknowledge what you’re experiencing is traumatic. I’d try to get help from the medical profession and also social services. You and your children should be protected from this. Sending my best wishes.>>> on Forum topic - So resentful
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by: J -
That's the analogy: too many pages and choices to have to narrow down to just one or two. Swedish, you mentioned two different things at the beginning and end of your post about complex PTSD and not getting much emotional reward. I think there's a relatiinship between the two, more than you might think? For me, this gets into the HSP ( highly sensitive person ) realm...where I have to remind myself, that my baseline may be higher than most peoples in that regard. I think, in part, because...>>> on Forum topic - It’s worth it, trying out the unknown
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by: honestly -
You have my sympathies and as ever Swedish makes excellent points. I’d add that with a diagnosis can also come a whole new level of (erroneous) self- justification since nothing can now be considered their fault: they have a condition. This sense of validation can also be compounded by (even ADHD specialist) therapists. My ex, having worn me to a shadow, blamed me for every problem we had and eroded my sense of self until I genuinely believed I was a terrible person, negative and critical and cruel,...>>> on Forum topic - My marriage is falling apart.
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by: honestly -
Massive congratulations on your progress. There’s so much weight and inertia and responsibility and fear when you have a partner with ADHD. It takes a lot to break out. I feel some brightening myself, though this conditioning is heavy and hard to break. I’m so glad you are getting there. Xx>>> on Forum topic - It’s worth it, trying out the unknown
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m so sorry about this. It seems ADHD is both general executive dysfunction and specifically blindness to how it affects partners. The recurrent thought I have is the ADHD mind has only itself as a reference point. It can accept it’s own emotions and thoughts and it’s own logic. It wants to live accordingly. When it’s coupled with another kind of mind (and especially has small children with it) the ADHD mind doesn’t see it lets the partner’s expectations down. Those expectations...>>> on Forum topic - My marriage is falling apart.
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