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by: Off the roller ... -
I realised that I never put my comment here. Im not sure what you can do to help, this is their journey and you need to look after yourself. It sounds so cliche but its true. Id get a therapist for myself and read the Melissa book but also try my best to have a routine and look after myself It's really tough. Hang in there.>>> on Forum topic - Support for estranged partner
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by: 1Melody1 -
Just wanted to send a virtual hug. You have tried so hard to keep the marriage intact. Whatever happens, you can do this. Look what you've endured so far. Some months in the future when this is somewhat sorted, your life is likely so be so much simpler and your nervous system will get to relax for the first time in years (decades?). It's a really good feeling. You don't even know how stressed and activated you are when you're in it until you're not anymore.>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: Swedish coast -
It sounds like he’s twisting reality to suit himself. This is manipulative and dishonest. I’ve seen the same kind of reasoning in my ex too. What he felt was fair and real had nothing to do with agreements made or the realities of my life. My partner finished our 22 year relationship off with claiming he’d never really agreed to any of our life choices. He’d just said yes because he couldn’t stand up for himself. And now he’d make up for it by helping himself to funds. Which means our...>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: Pseudonym -
I feel for you and your situation. You are not alone in this. I too am in a place similar to yours. I've been hopeful and working to initiate change for 20+ years without outside help. I started to see a therapist for myself and read books on how to communicate better. Sadly, my newly learned efforts bring RSD and reactions that turn my feelings and concerns back into my fault. It's mostly fruitless, unless I catch my partner at the "right time" and he absorbs some of what I relay. Some positive...>>> on Forum topic - Unmedicated and hitting breaking point
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by: lupath26 -
What strikes me about your setup: he has his own therapist, you two have the couples counselor — but you, the person shutting down for weeks and months at a time, have nobody working with just you. That shutdown response started long before this marriage; you named it yourself — emotionally neglectful parents taught you that going silent was how you survived. An individual therapist could help you untangle why anger directed at you freezes you, and that work pays off whether the marriage continues or...>>> on Forum topic - Unmedicated and hitting breaking point
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by: Neuchatel81 -
To make certain husband understands I am doing all I can to repair relationship, I mistakenly thought talking to him today would be a good idea. Despite stating I was at a crossroads and wanted to keep our relationship intact, husband considered this a “threat” and told me I am: too controlling, hyperfocus on small inconsequential things, and I want him to come to me on “bended knee.” Guess I have my answer - I HAVE done all I can but his choice to to be angry, defensiveness, and deflect all...>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: 2Independent -
He has brought up needing hearing aids. Again, I will have to be the person to put that in motion (if it's up, see my post here about "mankeeping"). I know I sound pessimistic, but just like meds that have helped him in the past, I can imagine him getting them and not using them. It's why I haven't pushed this issue, although I have mentioned it now and then. I can give it another try. Driving: most of the screaming-in-the-car is when I'm driving because he cannot assist with directions (and...>>> on Forum topic - I'm scared & so very tired
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by: 2Independent -
As someone who is older (rapidly approaching retirement age) and in this for nearly 20 years, I'd say totally trust your gut while you're still young enough to get out of this situation without too much financial hardship. Honestly, when I look back, I feel like I should have left a long time ago while I still had years of career ahead of me. Now, my career has slowed down dramatically, and it is the finances that are keeping me here right now. I'm so very sorry to hear what has been going...>>> on Forum topic - Unmedicated and hitting breaking point
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by: Swedish coast -
Sadly it seems often ADHD people who have checked out emotionally from their marriage won’t initiate divorce due to inertia. If he thinks you’ve been a terrible partner for the last ten years, I believe you shouldn’t expose yourself to this anymore. I’ve kept going too, on accord of my own ambition to repair and love. It’s not enough though, if an ADHD partner is unable or unwilling to do the same. It might be your own vulnerability isn’t fully visible to you right now, since...>>> on Forum topic - Unmedicated and hitting breaking point
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by: PerezosoPrimero -
Your comments and effort to relate them to your own hearing loss is really important. I can relate as well because I suffer a profound hearing loss related my military service. There's really something to your story, and I think it's very useful to keep in mind that we can help our ADHD partner if we can address what is happening without applying labels that are triggering for them. At this point for my wife and I, she is inconsistent in acknowledging the facts of her symptoms, for example...>>> on Forum topic - Non-ADHD Partner: Check-In
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by: PerezosoPrimero -
First and foremost, thank you for commenting. You capture my greatest fear, that the nature of the disorder precludes a positive outcome. I do take some hope from other quarters in the mental health professions in which historic belief that BPD and sociopathy are untreatable and now, particularly with BPD great progress has been made and even (among highly specialized professionals) some hope has been offered for those on the lower end of the sociopathy continuum. You hit a key point in common with...>>> on Forum topic - Non-ADHD Partner: Check-In
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by: PerezosoPrimero -
Apologies for the delayed response--all the response notifications went to my spam folder for some reason. I appreciate your comment and the ultimate question, which each therapist I've worked with has asked. My wife is an extraordinary woman and human being. We have so much in common, both in terms of interests and attitude we have a level of mutual understanding I've had with few other people in my life. I won't belabor the list of superlatives, but my evaluation from very early on to this point...>>> on Forum topic - Non-ADHD Partner: Check-In
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by: honestly -
I was in a similar place. It’s horrible. The loneliness and the blame, and the refusal ro let you go. It’s a nightmare. Listen to yourself. You’re constantly being told you’re awful, but you’re not. That little you inside yourself deserves to be heard and taken into account. Don’t hang about because it’s somehow better r the kids. It’s not. It takes a while to heal. I would strongly suggest counselling for your daughter. Without a chance to process them, there’s a danger that she...>>> on Forum topic - Unmedicated and hitting breaking point
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by: Neuchatel81 -
Your experience definitely sounds a lot like mine. Husband has told me I am too controlling, too money worried, etc. The Family Mediation is truly my last effort as I have tried all else. I feel as if an “intervention” is needed for husband, but am not confident he will even listen. My asking that he step up and make changes, or at least try to talk to me has been met with inaction and silence.>>> on Forum topic - I'm scared & so very tired
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by: J -
As I read your list of concerns, and even once said "problem?".....I definitely agree, your husband sounds like he has a list of personal problems he either: refuses to address OR; he has a legitimste disfunction. One would be more intentional, the latter is not intentional at all. You're problem, as it appears is, what to do about it from everything you've said. Let's take a couple things you mentioned and put some perspective on it, starting with his suspected hesring loss. Something I've...>>> on Forum topic - I'm scared & so very tired
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by: Swedish coast -
I think at some point where the ADHD and non realities have drifted apart, nons will still hope to be validated by their partner. It’s understandable. I’ve done it too and struggled with it for a long time. But there will possibly never be validation. It’s at this point you will need to defend yourself and your reality. They might never see how poorly they’ve treated you. They might never acknowledge your pain and your losses. You however need to stand your ground and believe your senses. I...>>> on Forum topic - I'm scared & so very tired
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by: 2Independent -
Because my husband has taken steps to be more mentally stable, he wants pats on the back or applause. Yes, his temper has toned down quite a bit over the years. But we are dealing with obvious ADHD and his deterioration. It's apathy. It's like he feels like he's "done enough" and I should be happy that he isn't the raging ahole I almost divorced. But it's like he's barely a functional adult. Can't research/find contractors/service workers to fix things. Can't close a cabinet door. Can't turn off a...>>> on Forum topic - I'm scared & so very tired
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by: 2Independent -
Staying authentic to myself has been my lifesaver. I am determined to do that. It's to the point that it seems my husband and I live separate lives. I am active and engaged; he seems to have given up on everything. . . and is deteriorating. I eat healthy; he lives on junk and drinks too much. He has "worked on" some of his issues (like depression and anxiety), goes through the motions. And, oddly enough, he has strongly avoided dealing with ADHD. I halfway wonder if he fears what his life...>>> on Forum topic - I'm scared & so very tired
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by: Swedish coast -
I think many with ADHD have no idea of the impact of their disability on their loved ones. Also, at least with my ex, there was a kind of defaitism I could never understand. He seemed convinced he had no power to change anything that involved me. He decided if I had expressed something, like a need, a disappointment, a boundary or an emotion, that was it. I had stated how things were, and he had nothing to add. It was like I was given final authority over outcome of everything, and he...>>> on Forum topic - I'm scared & so very tired
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by: 1Melody1 -
"I am uncertain he really grasps the reality." I really feel this. I was telling my partner I couldn't go on with our 20-year marriage if the issues pertaining to ADHD weren't addressed. And yet... nothing. I even said, "you'd rather end our marriage and break up our family than work on this?" And I was essentially met with a shrug of denial and misunderstanding. I don't think he thought it would really happen. And despite all the conversation and my pleading leading up to it, he was genuinely...>>> on Forum topic - I'm scared & so very tired
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