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by: Swedish coast -
Melody, I wholeheartedly agree about several things you wrote, but the mention of disliking being asked favors really struck a cord with me. I resented my friend the other night. We had been out walking and came home to my house, and she was about to leave in her car. She said she didn’t want to stay for tea or such, because she had to make an early night. I hadn’t asked her to stay, so made a little mental note about that. Then she asked for water, that I go into the kitchen and pour her...>>> on Forum topic - Fear of taking on too much
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by: Swedish coast -
Thank you Melody for validating this. A question - you mentioned me time. Do you have an actual way to relax now? How’s it done? I find relaxation foreign. Sure, I can watch a series, go for a walk, call a friend, go out on the town, garden, do yoga, and these things are all good. But I don’t feel like doing them. They’re chores. Because I need to avoid depression and make myself a new life. They’re not real recreation, like I used to experience it. Somebody said the...>>> on Forum topic - Fear of taking on too much
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by: 1Melody1 -
I can't believe how well you articulated this EXACT thing I feel. I am over 5 years out and still feel that way. I hate that I dread social commitments that should be fun because it's one more thing I feel like I'm being asked to do and my well is still bone dry. I have been trying to convey this to my mother, unsuccessfully. She thinks I should get a cat and host the Christmas event, and talk to my brother about a pretty weighty family issue, etc. etc. But I have absolutely nothing to give to...>>> on Forum topic - Fear of taking on too much
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by: Swedish coast -
Honestly, it’s not a great thing to share, but I’m grateful that you understand this. Do you think there’s an end to it..?>>> on Forum topic - Fear of taking on too much
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by: honestly -
I still have a huge sense of inertia - that it's like shifting a mountain, to go on a trip, or book tickets for something, or take the kids somewhere. This exact feeling of 'don't ask anything more of me.' I think it's from carrying too much for too long, from crumbling under it. I'm still cracked; structurally unsound.>>> on Forum topic - Fear of taking on too much
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by: honestly -
I'm happy you got your basement sorted. But, sigh, how exhausting for you, and for your patience. x>>> on Forum topic - Update: Finances & the Basement Project
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by: honestly -
Except he's still not able to leave the house in a decent state. And he's not here, on this site, reading and learning. So kudos to you for that. But the reality of that kind of marriage is so damned hard for the non ADHD person. You feel so under-loved and unheard and under-valued. You absorb so much bad temper and unpleasantness. It's hard on your career; mine collapsed. And all I needed from my ex was him to maybe be about 5% nicer and I would have been okay; I would have coped. If I have...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD, a Breakup, and Trying to Win My Partner Back
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by: J -
I commend you for your commitment Jade, and all you've been through in staying together. I may not have your success in staying together, but what I may possibly have to share is insight on this topic, based on my own experience. Even as of this morning, when I stopped by my X's to pick up a package she recieved for me, I opened up to her about being AuDhd, when she told me her two grandchilderen ( twins ) were both officially diagnosed with Autism. They're three now, and are still non verbal...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD on both sides of the partnership?
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by: 1Melody1 -
It doesn't sound like anything about his stance or story changed at all during mediation. I guess there's a chance he could reflect, but it does seem like he can only see things one way since you've been having this conversation for years. You're likely right that if you leave he will continue to believe he's blameless. It's just another one of the hard things we have to accept. I wish you clarity as you make hard decisions. You always have friends here no matter what you decide.>>> on Forum topic - Deflection from Spouse
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by: Turnblade Jade -
Wait, what was the question? ---scrolls to top to read OP again--- Right. I'm 40. My husband is 42. We've been married for 19 years and have four kids. Shared boundaries for what we absolutely will not do (supplied by having been raised in the same church) have kept us together. (No porn, no alcohol, no drugs, abstinence before marriage and complete fidelity in marriage.) We are absolutely committed. But it's been hard to handle our adhd. We coasted for a long time. We had...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD on both sides of the partnership?
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by: J -
This topic of "not getting it" or being not able to see yourself as others do ( having ADHD ) is a common theme for those who have nuerodivergent partners. I've heard it before, I've experienced this [ phenomonon ] and am keenly aware that it exists. For the moment, I'm going to take the position of someone who's very aware of this to the pount, that even now, I have no real answer or means to effectively change this "thing" I have no name for. Even more recently, despite me being aware....all...>>> on Forum topic - Ex husband with ADHD doesn’t understand what he’s done to me
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by: Pseudonym -
First of all, I just want to say welcome to the forum! Acknowledging your diagnosis and seeking treatment are great first steps. You are informing yourself and understanding the challenges that play a part in your relationship, along with medication. Give yourself some grace and I hope you feel good about the progress you are making. I wish my husband would take the extra steps that you are. In the end, please do all of this for yourself. Hopefully she will see the changes you are...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD, a Breakup, and Trying to Win My Partner Back
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by: J -
...not for someone else. I'm not with anyone, and I continue to work on my ADHD related challenges for myself ( by myself ). ADHD is not an "on again", "off again" kind of thing. I have AuDhd 24/7...making things second nature and routine comes from doing it all the time. The more I do something, the better I become over time. It's just the way it works. What comes to mind is that quote from Field of Dreams: "build it, and he will come...". You can make "he" anyone you like but the idea is...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD, a Breakup, and Trying to Win My Partner Back
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by: Swedish coast -
His attitude looks more or less unforgivable to me. So he isn’t aware of how he’s pumping his and your resources (financial, time, life quality) into his failing business. And when confronted, he denies it. And he shows no sign of changing course. I’ve spent the better part of three years grieving the bad choices of my ex (and also a former ex who showed up post divorce, behaved disappointingly and was gently distanced by me). It’s a bitter pill to swallow, also shameful. I feel stupid for...>>> on Forum topic - Deflection from Spouse
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by: Neuchatel81 -
Mediation went as well as could be expected yesterday; mediator told us we were very civil and polite. I tried to be “professional” as I knew getting emotionally upset would not help anything. Husband refused to acknowledge vast amount of funds used to support his business over past 6 years (“that is not possible”); even mediator said she had never heard of a law firm that could survive that type of debt over that period of time. Husband has a “high risk” practice, and is subsequently exposing...>>> on Forum topic - Deflection from Spouse
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by: 2Independent -
Good for you for getting on the right track! I think an important question, though, is are you doing all this/getting healthier for you or getting healthier only to win her back? Maybe both. My personal opinion is that you have to make change primarily for you--because you are committed to it for yourself. That way, even if she chooses not to take you back, you will be in a better place (generally), able to get more satisfaction out of life and eventually enter a relationship where you are "together...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD, a Breakup, and Trying to Win My Partner Back
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by: 2Independent -
What you post and what Neuchatel said in response got me, though. When you're "in it" ("in" ADD/ADHD) it suddenly makes sense to me that you (they) DON'T get it. Your/their world view is different. Our inner workings are very different. Meaning, sadly, we can't reach that place so many relationships do reach and are meant to reach: that place of being "there" with each other. I have wondered if we haven't been there because perhaps I held my DH out at arm's length after so much discord. But this...>>> on Forum topic - Ex husband with ADHD doesn’t understand what he’s done to me
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by: honestly -
1Melody1, thank you. That's pretty much what i'm concerned about- my son's future regrets. He does try to talk to his dad to improve things; they do get along better when there is some specific thing they're engaged in. I think there's just this aching hole of 'why can't he be better'; but then, when they're gone, however bad they were, they were your dad. Thank you. I'll try chatting to the lad about both these comments, for which I am very grateful. x>>> on Forum topic - the kids
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by: honestly -
Thank you, Swedish. That's really helpful and hopeful. Things should naturally evolve that way, too, once the kids are out of the family home. So there could be a natural improvement on that basis.>>> on Forum topic - the kids
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by: Neuchatel81 -
Last night, husband told me he wanted to talk to me (very rare occasion). He wanted to clarify what I wanted as far as him taking time off from work. He has worked 7 days a week / 24/7 for decades. I have been asking for 1 day off a week for some time, with promises from him to put it into place; this has not happened. Our last vacation was in 2005 since his clients have always taken priority — nothing normal about this! I got much angrier about him talking to me than I thought I would. I feel...>>> on Forum topic - Deflection from Spouse
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