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by: Carmel -
I’m not sure I’m quite understanding what you’re saying but just to add that I’m an affectionate person and affection is my love language I would say. Holding hands, hugs, cuddles, a gentle kiss but it seems to me that although he would also consider himself affectionate and tactile, he finds it hard to hug, cuddle and touch in a non sexual way. Also there is the constant sexual innuendo when there’s no place for it. I’m not prudish at all and a little bit of naughty talk is quite healthy...>>> on Forum topic - Partner sexually hyper focused
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by: J -
....but I think I can shed some light on this topic by adding a few things to it. I know this from my own experience with it, not recently but in my past. I waited to comment to get some perspective and everything mentioned are all valid concerns. First, I'm not sure if the phrase "sexually hyperfocused" is an accurate way to describe it. I considered myself "hypersexual" which may sound like semantics but it really is different. Sexually hyperfocused seems more of a mash-up of two separate...>>> on Forum topic - Partner sexually hyper focused
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by: J -
I had a sort of epiphany related to my Autobiographical Scene Memory. I have a theory, related to Dr Hallowell's book: Driven By Distraction. I do remember the chapter in the book, where he explained how ADHD, as he felt, was a leftover adaptive trait that better served of species during the Hunter/Gatherer stage in our evolution as humans. I was definitely intrigued by this at the time. This epiphany of sorts, came to me when I was researching the area I plan to visit in the near future. It's a...>>> on Forum topic - Card File vs Now, Not Now
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by: Swedish coast -
Testosterone seems to be something that’s now culturally prescribed for no good reason by lots of doctors, it’s been on the news. Men demand it to feel masculine but hardly anyone needs it. Measured testosterone levels in blood may be low but not reflect true levels (protein binding or such apparently), so those men don’t need it either. But it might add to libido and aggression. Please take care.>>> on Forum topic - Partner sexually hyper focused
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by: Carmel -
Thank you for taking the time to reply and I 100% agree with all you have said. He has made an appointment to see a counsellor/therapist and said that this issue will be discussed at his first session next week. He has never been treated for ADHD so he said he will discuss this also then. I meant to also add that he is on prescribed testosterone injections and I question that his dose is too high. This coupled with untreated ADHD is a recipe for disaster. He said he will see his doctor about that...>>> on Forum topic - Partner sexually hyper focused
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by: honestly -
I don't know whether it's okay to always keep going 'This! Me Too!' but I never saw this articulated before and never attached it to ADHD. But yes, this in my relationship with my ADHD ex too. It sets up a systemic imbalance; you don't get the physical affection you need, any attempt at affection on your part gets sexualised. Cuddles turn into groping. You get your arse grabbed when you need a hug. It feels like he's taking something from you, when you need something to be given. It's like you...>>> on Forum topic - Partner sexually hyper focused
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by: Swedish coast -
Integrity is everything. I’d say: defend yours at all costs in this situation. Impulse control deficit can be very real with ADHD. Whichever way it shows itself, acting on impulse with little respect for your boundaries is a recipe for disaster and a terrible quality in a fiancé. You should be able to feel relaxed with your fiancé. Physically and emotionally. That’s the whole point of a serious relationship. You need to be able to trust him to never cross your boundaries or violate...>>> on Forum topic - Partner sexually hyper focused
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by: J -
I spent an hour on the phone last night, with a gentleman I met on social media who's become a friend. He grew up only miles from where I am now, but also spent time (years ) , living very close to where I'm from. ( my place of origin...where I grew up ). This gave him a unique perspective which I recognized and asked him if we could talk. I picked his brain in other words. Within that talk...he identified the culprit that has caused me endless grief since I arrived here, especially...>>> on Forum topic - Peace
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by: J -
....women do. What I just said is absolutely true. I find the wording here interesting from my ( guys ) point of view. I'm attracted to lots of women. Lots and lots ! But very few get my attention. Very, very few. I don't "choose" ..until I'm very sure. Very, very sure! I've only chosen a select handful in my entire lifetime. Less than 5 total. When I say "choose" it carrys a different meaning. This is way more nuanced than what it looks like on the surface. Interesting to...>>> on Forum topic - Whom we choose
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by: Swedish coast -
Just to be clear, there’s nothing romantic going on between my friend’s husband and me, never has, never will. I didn’t perceive him as anything but sympathetic that day. The point was, when almost nothing helped the pain, that ADHD kindness absurdly did. Melody, thanks for validation. I agree, there’s not much I can afford relationship-wise either.>>> on Forum topic - Whom we choose
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by: 1Melody1 -
I just want to validate this. I have the same experience. I have been happily single for 5 years, but if I do happen to experience a random spark out in the wild (e.g. your grocery store example), there's a high if not 100% probability they're neurodivergent. In fact there's an old friend in my life who I think has some interest (hasn't said anything, but I'm getting vibes) and he has severe ADHD. I don't know why our energies attract, but they do. For me, I won't put myself through it again...>>> on Forum topic - Whom we choose
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by: Swedish coast -
To me it seemed the need for appreciation was everything to the ADHD partner, while the neurotypical partner saw the ship go down due to ADHD dysfunction. It’s not easy to focus on being appreciative of the person drilling holes in the hull. The shipwreck takes a lot of attention.. Sullenness and blame from a person with ADHD who feels unloved and unseen I think is partly due to them not being aware of their neurotypical partner’s reality. However, it’s really hard to live with...>>> on Forum topic - Communication worse during therapy
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by: Swedish coast -
Oh, and that husband of a friend is terrible to live with, which I know of in great detail. No matter. Still, that perfect pitch. This is still so confusing.>>> on Forum topic - Whom we choose
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by: honestly -
My best mate’s husband has adhd and I do not know a happier more loving marriage. They’ve been together for 30 years. They run a family business. He does the obsessive craftmanship, she does the books. It’s not the condition, it’s the person with the condition. It totally can work. But if it’s working - those people don’t come here.>>> on Forum topic - Whom we choose
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by: J -
feeling "like" shit ? In essence...how does one feel shit?>>> on Forum topic - Trouble understanding...
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by: adhd32 -
Imagine this life in 10 more years. You are bailing a sinking ship while he is making holes in the bottom all while denying there is a crisis. I think we non spouses cling to that one second of clarity they sometimes have after a therapy session or a disagreement. Things don't improve with time, they actually get worse as unmedicated adhd spouse tends to fall back to familiar maladaptive behaviors rather than doing the work to change. Once you can see things without the filter of infatuation you...>>> on Forum topic - Just Now Learning...
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by: J -
Vertical certainty says: “This is how it is.” I've come to realize, the vast majority of conficts and arguments I had with my SO were due to a conflict in processing styles. This has more to do with language derived from a system of values that are different or incompatible. Yet both of have ADHD. Self-Assumed Epistemic Authority was a real issue here...but beneath that, was the heart of our issues together. At the core, in algebraic terms or language....horizontal vs vertical positioning...>>> on Forum topic - Just Now Learning...
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by: ADHD_waverider -
It reads to me that your instincts are trying to signal you. Swedish_coast said it well and it's similar to my experience. The main difference is that I'm still married to my SO, but have been considering my options. Kids add complexity to the marriage and if you get one or more with ADHD as well, the challenges are magnified. It creates a whole different can of worms than dealing with an ADHD partner alone. As your ADHD partner gets older, there may be less willingness to change and less...>>> on Forum topic - Just Now Learning...
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by: honestly -
With the being 'deformed' and 'feeling shit'. It's taking a long while to recover.>>> on Forum topic - Trouble understanding...
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by: honestly -
Despite us all trying to cope with it and its repercussions, believe it or not, there is no demonstrable thing in the body or the brain that is a 'tell' for ADHD. The research that says it's caused by brain structure is deeply flawed. The research that its due to dopamine levels is contested. (Searching for Normal, Dr Sami Tamimi). Responding to medication is no tell either: anyone who takes amphetamines will focus better than they did, at least for a time. ADHD is diagnosed by the observation of a...>>> on Forum topic - Trouble understanding...
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