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by: J -
I spent an hour on the phone last night, with a gentleman I met on social media who's become a friend. He grew up only miles from where I am now, but also spent time (years ) , living very close to where I'm from. ( my place of origin...where I grew up ). This gave him a unique perspective which I recognized and asked him if we could talk. I picked his brain in other words. Within that talk...he identified the culprit that has caused me endless grief since I arrived here, especially...>>> on Forum topic - Peace
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by: J -
....women do. What I just said is absolutely true. I find the wording here interesting from my ( guys ) point of view. I'm attracted to lots of women. Lots and lots ! But very few get my attention. Very, very few. I don't "choose" ..until I'm very sure. Very, very sure! I've only chosen a select handful in my entire lifetime. Less than 5 total. When I say "choose" it carrys a different meaning. This is way more nuanced than what it looks like on the surface. Interesting to...>>> on Forum topic - Whom we choose
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by: Swedish coast -
Just to be clear, there’s nothing romantic going on between my friend’s husband and me, never has, never will. I didn’t perceive him as anything but sympathetic that day. The point was, when almost nothing helped the pain, that ADHD kindness absurdly did. Melody, thanks for validation. I agree, there’s not much I can afford relationship-wise either.>>> on Forum topic - Whom we choose
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by: 1Melody1 -
I just want to validate this. I have the same experience. I have been happily single for 5 years, but if I do happen to experience a random spark out in the wild (e.g. your grocery store example), there's a high if not 100% probability they're neurodivergent. In fact there's an old friend in my life who I think has some interest (hasn't said anything, but I'm getting vibes) and he has severe ADHD. I don't know why our energies attract, but they do. For me, I won't put myself through it again...>>> on Forum topic - Whom we choose
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by: Swedish coast -
To me it seemed the need for appreciation was everything to the ADHD partner, while the neurotypical partner saw the ship go down due to ADHD dysfunction. It’s not easy to focus on being appreciative of the person drilling holes in the hull. The shipwreck takes a lot of attention.. Sullenness and blame from a person with ADHD who feels unloved and unseen I think is partly due to them not being aware of their neurotypical partner’s reality. However, it’s really hard to live with...>>> on Forum topic - Communication worse during therapy
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by: Swedish coast -
Oh, and that husband of a friend is terrible to live with, which I know of in great detail. No matter. Still, that perfect pitch. This is still so confusing.>>> on Forum topic - Whom we choose
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by: honestly -
My best mate’s husband has adhd and I do not know a happier more loving marriage. They’ve been together for 30 years. They run a family business. He does the obsessive craftmanship, she does the books. It’s not the condition, it’s the person with the condition. It totally can work. But if it’s working - those people don’t come here.>>> on Forum topic - Whom we choose
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by: J -
feeling "like" shit ? In essence...how does one feel shit?>>> on Forum topic - Trouble understanding...
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by: adhd32 -
Imagine this life in 10 more years. You are bailing a sinking ship while he is making holes in the bottom all while denying there is a crisis. I think we non spouses cling to that one second of clarity they sometimes have after a therapy session or a disagreement. Things don't improve with time, they actually get worse as unmedicated adhd spouse tends to fall back to familiar maladaptive behaviors rather than doing the work to change. Once you can see things without the filter of infatuation you...>>> on Forum topic - Just Now Learning...
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by: J -
Vertical certainty says: “This is how it is.” I've come to realize, the vast majority of conficts and arguments I had with my SO were due to a conflict in processing styles. This has more to do with language derived from a system of values that are different or incompatible. Yet both of have ADHD. Self-Assumed Epistemic Authority was a real issue here...but beneath that, was the heart of our issues together. At the core, in algebraic terms or language....horizontal vs vertical positioning...>>> on Forum topic - Just Now Learning...
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by: ADHD_waverider -
It reads to me that your instincts are trying to signal you. Swedish_coast said it well and it's similar to my experience. The main difference is that I'm still married to my SO, but have been considering my options. Kids add complexity to the marriage and if you get one or more with ADHD as well, the challenges are magnified. It creates a whole different can of worms than dealing with an ADHD partner alone. As your ADHD partner gets older, there may be less willingness to change and less...>>> on Forum topic - Just Now Learning...
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by: honestly -
With the being 'deformed' and 'feeling shit'. It's taking a long while to recover.>>> on Forum topic - Trouble understanding...
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by: honestly -
Despite us all trying to cope with it and its repercussions, believe it or not, there is no demonstrable thing in the body or the brain that is a 'tell' for ADHD. The research that says it's caused by brain structure is deeply flawed. The research that its due to dopamine levels is contested. (Searching for Normal, Dr Sami Tamimi). Responding to medication is no tell either: anyone who takes amphetamines will focus better than they did, at least for a time. ADHD is diagnosed by the observation of a...>>> on Forum topic - Trouble understanding...
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by: J -
For my own understanding, and to lay this out by isolating the root cause of behaviors. You definely have a theme going here. Guilt is what you're feeling right now. I have a little bit different driver ...at the core of my own behavior. Intolerance or sensitivity to ( blank ) to protect myself from ( blank ) is the cause and effect chain. What I experienced with my ex SO...was also different than mine. I do believe intolerance to shame ( the discomfort from feeling shame ) is the last...>>> on Forum topic - Trouble understanding...
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by: lcdoglover1 -
Thank you for understanding and giving me some things to think about!>>> on Forum topic - Trouble understanding...
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by: Swedish coast -
Above are good thoughts I think. We can flagellate ourselves for not being who we wanted to be. But how is a person supposed to manage these life-wrecking ADHD symptoms in their partner, without their integrity being affected? I believe one of the worst aspects of ADHD marriage for me is how it’s deformed me. No, I wasn’t supportive enough, or forgiving enough. Yes, I was chronically angry and disappointed. Yes, I complained about my husband relentlessly to a few selected close ones, and so wasn...>>> on Forum topic - Trouble understanding...
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by: lcdoglover1 -
@Offthe roller...I am harsh on myself. I guess we all have things we deal with.>>> on Forum topic - Trouble understanding...
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by: Off the roller ... -
Reading your story and wanted to tell you a single truth: this is not your fault and this is not all on you. Its only half on you and the good news is that your half is in your control. That's all you can take on, nothing more. Your post reads as very harsh on yourself and you don't have to be that way. Loads of us have been where you are and it feels like it's totally on us, but it isn't. Promise.>>> on Forum topic - Trouble understanding...
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by: 1Melody1 -
You didn't know. What people think ADHD is vs. how much it actually it can infiltrate almost every facet of a couple's life are two different things. With a greater understanding of how ADHD has impacted your relationship, hopefully there are things HE can do to optimize treatment as well as things YOU can do to support him more effectively. (This doesn't mean you should have to accept or support what's unacceptable just because he has ADHD.) I'm so sorry you're separated. You obviously...>>> on Forum topic - Trouble understanding...
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by: lcdoglover1 -
Your words mean so much 1Melody1.>>> on Forum topic - Trouble understanding...
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