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by: Swedish coast -
Thank you. I don’t think you’re much older than me. But it’s comforting to take part of your wisdom. Yes, I can sense it too, very late in life I’m trying to remove expectations my parents put on me, and intend to parent myself going forward. The confusing thing is our family used to see relatives all the time, I come from a tightly knit community of relatives living close to each other. Fifteen cousins. Close relationships with grandparents. No conflicts either for 25...>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: honestly -
I was going through the realisation of their narcissism before Covid hit. The lockdowns in my country gave me quiet time to process it and grow into acceptance. I am a good bit older than you, a later stage of life. A younger me still wanted what others are unable to give. I feel happier now, no longer angry. You get two adulthoods. Or the chance for them. The first, you’re the adult your parents made out of you. The second, if you’re privileged enough to get there, you get to be the...>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: honestly -
My parents have frozen out a lot of family members if they get any way ‘difficult’ - eg a previously favoured niece was in real crisis but this became how she had behaved ‘unforgivably’ to them, and has recently been frozen out. I wont list them all here but my family shrank over my childhood to a small core unit of me, my brother and our parents, and then our kids when they came along. Our partners were never really accepted because they were judged and disliked. Tbf, that was a decent call… but my...>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: J -
That was X's go to saying for everything which I've had to understand better. I'm not going to say she was intentionally, with forethought, telling me to "let it go" on principle or a philosophy to live by, or even how I just said it because of my tendency to always need to know why ( to unresovable "things" ) ..but in context here, to other things she'd repeatedly say things like, "your over thinking" ( ruminating ) or "stop living in the past" or any number of "incorrect" things that I was doing. I...>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: Swedish coast -
It’s true, one has to try and accept it. Do you still see your family for holidays? Are there family gatherings? Do you ever see extended family like cousins, aunts? I know this can vary so much between families, but most of my friends see their relatives often despite having issues with them. Our family seems to fit the low effort description. There is minimal emotional interest and minimal get-togethers.>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: Swedish coast -
It’s not anybody’s fault. I just feel it’s mine. But then I’ve been the one to keep family together for many years. When I stop, it feels like neglect. All my attempts at repair, and understanding, and connection, have failed. Another relative has advised me to let them go. I don’t know how to, or to continue in any fashion. Am just so exhausted, confused and sad. Thank you dear thinkers for your help.>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: J -
I can't not see all the elements of what I just went thru as well as the same patterns on my own family. I've had to go thru this, so I understand how it feels. I'm not sure why you're feeling ashamed exactly? I can tell you only how I resolved these unreasonable issues for myself. I try and break it down as you layed it out. "Like your parents, mine have always been incredibly generous, loving and kind. As long as they don’t involuntarily hurt me, and I question it, which is when things go...>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: honestly -
and it’s a process, and there’s a lot of pain. I think it’s extremely rare that anyone gets everything they need from their carers, it’s just that some are more imperfect than others. So I am trying, though there is still pain, to accept they are what they are, and it’s no surprise that I was what i was as a result. forgive myself, and them. xx>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: 1Melody1 -
I just want to say I hear you and you're not going crazy. Change absolutely must come from her and for that to happen she has to be able to see the issues and be willing to actively make changes (e.g. optimize and TAKE THOSE MEDS every single day and maybe add an ADHD coach who can hold her accountable so you don't have to). If this is her best, I think it's very valid to exit this before you spend years becoming a workhorse shell of a person like I did.>>> on Forum topic - I feel like just giving up
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by: Swedish coast -
I also feel deeply ashamed about myself in this. Like your parents, mine have always been incredibly generous, loving and kind. As long as they don’t involuntarily hurt me, and I question it, which is when things go south. I feel it’s my responsibility to avoid this, since when it happens I can’t repair it. They don’t think it can be solved by talking, only get worse. They are not into apologizing. So basically: They’ve decided to never contact me and not...>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: J -
Honestly...you brought up something I've been unraveling in my X's family dynamic. There appears to be a total blurring of boundaries and role reversals, and the family itself is fused, where identities are unusually applied across all family members. I looked this up and these are the definitions that described this ( IMHO ) very unhealthy and somewhat unusual family system. Enmeshed Heirarchal Family System Role Inversion/Parentification Dynamics Fused Attachment Heirarchy...>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: Swedish coast -
Thanks Honestly for your reply. That coldness in your father you describe is really unsettling. Why do they stare at us coldly when we cry? Why do they walk away, or sit silently through our crying, showing only by the depth of breathing they’re uncomfortable or annoyed? I have such a hard time understanding this physical rigidity in front of someone’s vulnerability. It’s nothing like how I’d respond if my child cried. I even have clients cry in front of me every day, it’s not that...>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: honestly -
Our experiences are so similar, the parallels almost freak me out. I have similar problems with my parents. Boundaries are an issue. Mockery is an issue. Invalidating feelings and experiences is an issue. I am expected to go the extra mile for others, I often get laughed at, and my experiences minimised. I have never told them about the worst things that have happened in my life, because I know in that instant it would become about their feelings about what had happened. I am low key about the...>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: J -
I also realized within same metaphor that you cannot undo the past. The flip side of that same coin are all the wonderful things that also happened in the "part 1" of my relationships with my X. That is also as real and true as anything else. During that time, many great and wonderful things happened and there's no way of undoing that either. It happened, it was real. For me, that becomes my embodied truth. It was also true and in the past. I have no reason to rewrite history or change...>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: J -
For giving me the missing word in my vocabulary that helps explain what I'm dealing with myself. Estrangement is spot on. Just one search on this topic, and I know this is precisely the "thing" that I've known for so long. Just in this one search, I found this in an article written on this subject. "The old saying goes that one should not cry over spilled milk. The reason? Because one cannot un-spill it. What is done is done. The same holds for the past. If you have become estranged from...>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: Swedish coast -
Thanks for relating. Found this about family estrangement after trauma: ’ Invalidating responses from family can deepen the residual wounds of trauma and compound the pain. For survivors, familial estrangement reinforces a loss of safety, trust, and validation. Healing involves grieving the idealized family and building chosen connections.’ This totally describes what’s happened, I think. Its like most of my sense of...>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: J -
Something I forgot to mention about my swimming coach when thinking about gifts or special talents. He, most definitely had, a very specialized gift, amongst all swimming coachs at the time. In retrospect, we're talking the 1950's here, to put things into context. His special gift or talent was preparing swimmers for major competitive events, when it really counted, major championship events like the Olympics. I could talk him up all day but this is a very specialized talent that even other...>>> on Forum topic - I feel like just giving up
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by: J -
As a person with ADHD, I can sympathize with your wife. It's very easy for me to understand why she she does this and I'm no different in my need for rest. I have discovered however, breaks are really what I need. I need lots of breaks !! Lol And I take them regularly !! I have to come back to swimming again because it's the basis for my doing this. On weekends, there were days in my past when I would spend all day watching TV and do nothing else. That was only on weekends as I had to work...>>> on Forum topic - I feel like just giving up
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by: J -
I did a good thing yesterday...and it STILL feels good despite everything else that's happened between my X and I. Because of her ADHD, she has memory issues which is par for the course. She's very good at keeping track of appointments and work related things, but without a planner and calander, left to herself, she'll forget things that aren't in front of her. No big surprise. When I was discarded abruptly, I was grabbing things as quickly as I could and grabbed a few things by accident...>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: honestly -
Yes, my ex would spend hours in bed while I was managing the household and the family and feeling constantly stressed, even on weekend mornings, by what the day held. Total constant overwhelm for me, a nice leisurely lifestyle for him. When he did do stuff it was often half-done (a half mown lawn, a half-hoovered room). His answer was always that he'd have got round to it, whatever it was, if I hadn't leaped in and done it too soon... well you have to get out of bed first, pal. My blood...>>> on Forum topic - I feel like just giving up
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