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by: 1Melody1 -
First of all, good on you for trying and caring and seeing your partner's perspective. A lot of us in this forum didn't have a partner willing to try. You're already doing so much more than many of our partners did. The thing I wish my partner had done is to take the initiative to get professional help in the form of medication coupled with ADHD coaching. I think optimized meds would have helped us set a more reliable baseline and ongoing coaching would have taken some of the onus off me to be...>>> on Forum topic - Scared
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m sorry for your pain. If I could wish for my undiagnosed ADD partner of 20 years to have done something differently, it would have been to have gotten out when he lost hope for us. He was miserable, overwhelmed, trying and failing to meet my needs, and early on he expressed pessimism for our future. I was always optimistic, but then I never saw things from his perspective. I do believe there are many ways of being normal. A lot of the people I love have ADHD and I know it’s a set of...>>> on Forum topic - Scared
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by: Swedish coast -
Thank you J. It really does resonate with me, that there are socially expected things that may clash with one’s reality going through a hard breakup. One is expected to be amicable and reasonable versus one’s ex and their family. One shouldn’t dwell on manipulation, lying or deceit. One should make other people comfortable, creating no social obstacles. One shouldn’t inconveniently show the pain of losing one’s trust and entire world as one knew it. As for you, one may be expected...>>> on Forum topic - Triggered by them
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by: J -
I know very little ( virtually nothing ) about your family members, any details about them, or any other pertinent information to give advise... But you invited "our thoughts" on this topic and boy, I have many!! Endless stories to tell but for now, I'll try to keep it confined to, and in relationship to things you said. Even now, as I'm about to say what "I believe is true", I hesitate, because I can remember countless times, doing this very thing, then getting called to the mat and...>>> on Forum topic - Triggered by them
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by: Swedish coast -
That is so comforting. I really appreciate your taking time to think about it.>>> on Forum topic - Triggered by them
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by: honestly -
is to listen to your body. It is telling you stuff you need to hear. I would imagine (based on my own experience and what I know of yours) it's stuff you've had to repress and ignore throughout the relationship, and it's now out. You could try and put it back in the box, but that wouldn't be healthy for you, or authentic, and it would be reverting to an earlier, way of functioning that you had to resort to when in the relationship. It is amazingly difficult to navigate- these people who are not...>>> on Forum topic - Triggered by them
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by: J -
What you described is quite different than myself, and what I've done in the past. It's sounds like, what you're fiancé does is externalizing his sex drive through his words... or the "naughty talk" you mentioned. When I described "touch" as my love language, it's almost 100% non-verbal. I speak with my hands, not my mouth. Naughty talk does almost nothing for me in that respect. Eye contact and letting my hands to the talking would be more precise. And my body, in close proximity...or being...>>> on Forum topic - Partner sexually hyper focused
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by: Carmel -
I’m not sure I’m quite understanding what you’re saying but just to add that I’m an affectionate person and affection is my love language I would say. Holding hands, hugs, cuddles, a gentle kiss but it seems to me that although he would also consider himself affectionate and tactile, he finds it hard to hug, cuddle and touch in a non sexual way. Also there is the constant sexual innuendo when there’s no place for it. I’m not prudish at all and a little bit of naughty talk is quite healthy...>>> on Forum topic - Partner sexually hyper focused
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by: J -
....but I think I can shed some light on this topic by adding a few things to it. I know this from my own experience with it, not recently but in my past. I waited to comment to get some perspective and everything mentioned are all valid concerns. First, I'm not sure if the phrase "sexually hyperfocused" is an accurate way to describe it. I considered myself "hypersexual" which may sound like semantics but it really is different. Sexually hyperfocused seems more of a mash-up of two separate...>>> on Forum topic - Partner sexually hyper focused
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by: J -
I had a sort of epiphany related to my Autobiographical Scene Memory. I have a theory, related to Dr Hallowell's book: Driven By Distraction. I do remember the chapter in the book, where he explained how ADHD, as he felt, was a leftover adaptive trait that better served of species during the Hunter/Gatherer stage in our evolution as humans. I was definitely intrigued by this at the time. This epiphany of sorts, came to me when I was researching the area I plan to visit in the near future. It's a...>>> on Forum topic - Card File vs Now, Not Now
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by: Swedish coast -
Testosterone seems to be something that’s now culturally prescribed for no good reason by lots of doctors, it’s been on the news. Men demand it to feel masculine but hardly anyone needs it. Measured testosterone levels in blood may be low but not reflect true levels (protein binding or such apparently), so those men don’t need it either. But it might add to libido and aggression. Please take care.>>> on Forum topic - Partner sexually hyper focused
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by: Carmel -
Thank you for taking the time to reply and I 100% agree with all you have said. He has made an appointment to see a counsellor/therapist and said that this issue will be discussed at his first session next week. He has never been treated for ADHD so he said he will discuss this also then. I meant to also add that he is on prescribed testosterone injections and I question that his dose is too high. This coupled with untreated ADHD is a recipe for disaster. He said he will see his doctor about that...>>> on Forum topic - Partner sexually hyper focused
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by: honestly -
I don't know whether it's okay to always keep going 'This! Me Too!' but I never saw this articulated before and never attached it to ADHD. But yes, this in my relationship with my ADHD ex too. It sets up a systemic imbalance; you don't get the physical affection you need, any attempt at affection on your part gets sexualised. Cuddles turn into groping. You get your arse grabbed when you need a hug. It feels like he's taking something from you, when you need something to be given. It's like you...>>> on Forum topic - Partner sexually hyper focused
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by: Swedish coast -
Integrity is everything. I’d say: defend yours at all costs in this situation. Impulse control deficit can be very real with ADHD. Whichever way it shows itself, acting on impulse with little respect for your boundaries is a recipe for disaster and a terrible quality in a fiancé. You should be able to feel relaxed with your fiancé. Physically and emotionally. That’s the whole point of a serious relationship. You need to be able to trust him to never cross your boundaries or violate...>>> on Forum topic - Partner sexually hyper focused
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by: Carmel -
My fiancé (who is in his 50s, has ADHD, non treated), whenever we are alone he constantly uses sexual innuendo and sexual inappropriate touching even when we are just doing everyday life, even watching a tv documentary he will act this way. I’ve told him to stop, set boundaries, told him that it overwhelms me, makes me uncomfortable and that I can’t fully relax around him. He improves but then falls back again. Even when he’s not reaching out to grope me I see it in his eyes, the way he’s looking at...>>> on Forum topic - Partner sexually hyper focused
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by: J -
I spent an hour on the phone last night, with a gentleman I met on social media who's become a friend. He grew up only miles from where I am now, but also spent time (years ) , living very close to where I'm from. ( my place of origin...where I grew up ). This gave him a unique perspective which I recognized and asked him if we could talk. I picked his brain in other words. Within that talk...he identified the culprit that has caused me endless grief since I arrived here, especially...>>> on Forum topic - Peace
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by: J -
....women do. What I just said is absolutely true. I find the wording here interesting from my ( guys ) point of view. I'm attracted to lots of women. Lots and lots ! But very few get my attention. Very, very few. I don't "choose" ..until I'm very sure. Very, very sure! I've only chosen a select handful in my entire lifetime. Less than 5 total. When I say "choose" it carrys a different meaning. This is way more nuanced than what it looks like on the surface. Interesting to...>>> on Forum topic - Whom we choose
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by: Swedish coast -
Just to be clear, there’s nothing romantic going on between my friend’s husband and me, never has, never will. I didn’t perceive him as anything but sympathetic that day. The point was, when almost nothing helped the pain, that ADHD kindness absurdly did. Melody, thanks for validation. I agree, there’s not much I can afford relationship-wise either.>>> on Forum topic - Whom we choose
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by: 1Melody1 -
I just want to validate this. I have the same experience. I have been happily single for 5 years, but if I do happen to experience a random spark out in the wild (e.g. your grocery store example), there's a high if not 100% probability they're neurodivergent. In fact there's an old friend in my life who I think has some interest (hasn't said anything, but I'm getting vibes) and he has severe ADHD. I don't know why our energies attract, but they do. For me, I won't put myself through it again...>>> on Forum topic - Whom we choose
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by: Swedish coast -
To me it seemed the need for appreciation was everything to the ADHD partner, while the neurotypical partner saw the ship go down due to ADHD dysfunction. It’s not easy to focus on being appreciative of the person drilling holes in the hull. The shipwreck takes a lot of attention.. Sullenness and blame from a person with ADHD who feels unloved and unseen I think is partly due to them not being aware of their neurotypical partner’s reality. However, it’s really hard to live with...>>> on Forum topic - Communication worse during therapy
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