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by: J -
Not sure why all my unedited drafts appeared on my last post but it kind of flows into what I came back here to say as I was remembering my swim coach and his "not very well" comment. To illustrate the net effect that had on me, by taking his approach on pointing out, that my butterfly stroke needed some work. This is not something I've ever mentioned but the results I think, speak for themselves. Butterfly is a very difficult stroke to learn in fact, it's the MOST difficult for most...>>> on Forum topic - Impulsive
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by: J -
to interrupt. This applies to what the OP is saying, as well as what I said about making a mistake ( not catching every impulse ). I guess I'm lucky enough to have had a mother who was a stickler for manners and politeness ( etiquette ). As she use to always say: "manners aren't for you, they're for the other person". When pointed out, my inclination wasn't to argue against rudeness by saying "that's just how people talk"....but instead go "oops", "sorry", "my bad", "excuse me" or any other...>>> on Forum topic - Impulsive
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by: J -
to interrupt. This applies to what the OP is saying, as well as what I said about making a mistake ( not catching every impulse ). I guess I'm lucky enough to have had a mother who was a stickler for manners and politeness ( etiquette ). As she use to always say: "manners aren't for you, they're for the other person". And being held to that meant, she'd point it out all the time. It was a learned thing, over time. That didn't really stop me ( the impulses ) but it did reinforce that "...>>> on Forum topic - Impulsive
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by: J -
to interrupt. This applies to what the OP is saying, as well as what I said about making a mistake ( not catching every impulse ). I guess I'm lucky enough to have had a mother who was a stickler for manners and politeness ( etiquette ). As she use to always say: "manners aren't for you, they're for the other person". And being held to that meant, she'd point it out all the time. It was a learned thing, over time. That didn't really stop me ( the impulses ) but it did reinforce that "...>>> on Forum topic - Impulsive
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by: J -
to interrupt. This applies to what the OP is saying, as well as what I said about making a mistake ( not catching every impulse ). I guess I'm lucky enough to have had a mother who was a stickler for manners and politeness ( etiquette ). As she use to always say: "manners aren't for you, they're for the other person". And being held to that meant, she'd point it out all the time. It was a learned thing, over time. That didn't really stop me ( the impulses ) but it did reinforce that "...>>> on Forum topic - Impulsive
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by: J -
to interrupt. This applies to what the OP is saying, as well as what I said about making a mistake ( not catching every impulse ). I guess I'm lucky enough to have had a mother who was a stickler for manners and politeness ( etiquette ). As she use to always say: "manners aren't for you, they're for the other person". And being held to that meant, she'd point it out all the time. It was a learned thing, over time. That didn't really stop me ( the impulses ) but it did reinforce that "...>>> on Forum topic - Impulsive
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by: J -
to interrupt. This applies to what the OP is saying, as well as what I said about making a mistake ( not catching every impulse ). I guess I'm lucky enough to have had a mother who was a stickler for manners and politeness ( etiquette ). As she use to always say: "manners aren't for you, they're for the other person". And being held to that meant, she'd point it out all the time. It was a learned thing, over time. That didn't really stop me ( the impulses ) but it did reinforce that "...>>> on Forum topic - Impulsive
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by: honestly -
I was on the receiving end of this from my ex, over years. I'd ask him not to interrupt so much, and he'd make out I was wrong ('that's just how people talk'). He was, however, super sensitive to being interrupted himself, even if I was doing so to agree with him. I think the crucial thing is to understand how it makes the other person feel. I knew how he felt about being interrupted, so would listen to ten minute long lectures and diatribes, without even saying 'Oh yes I know' in case that...>>> on Forum topic - Impulsive
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by: Swedish coast -
This too. Like the concept of Saturday (recreation, prioritizing family) which most of us feel has major importance, isn’t present in the ADHD mind, or can easily be overrun by some random work distraction. Nor is there perhaps ability to prioritize. My ex had no concept of weekends either. He could never plan a nice dinner or an outing or seeing friends or generally focus on enjoyment. He usually only suggested boring household errands that would be easier to do on Tuesday on the way home...>>> on Forum topic - Inaccurate Labels
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by: Swedish coast -
Honestly, I think for (at least severe) ADHD people, communicating things in due time, or at all, might not make sense. My ex thought i could mind read him. It’s not an exaggeration. He actually thought if he’d been thinking about something, I would know it too even if it was never mentioned. Also, we did evaluations of the plans we’d made to share housework. Every time, I had done everything on my list, he’d done little on his. When he realized this, he looked confused. He wasn’t aware of...>>> on Forum topic - Inaccurate Labels
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by: sickandtired -
It seems in my experience, that less close relationships, like business clients, are easier for them to navigate. I also think that they don’t recognize or respect boundaries in close relationships either, like it’s ingrained in him that your money is his money. I’m so glad you got the surgery over with and everything was benign. I hope you are focusing on healing yourself instead of trying to change him.>>> on Forum topic - Inaccurate Labels
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by: Neuchatel81 -
It certainly appears the future will be this way. I am just so very sad that I have tried to make difficult changes but he has NO interest in doing so. Right now he is once again working (on a Saturday), speaking to his client. I should just wake up and realize that his work/clients are more important than our relationship.>>> on Forum topic - Inaccurate Labels
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by: sickandtired -
In his mind, you will always be the bad guy. My ex was like this… the perpetual victim who took no responsibility for his actions, and had no initiative to change. If I asked for updates on progress he was making on his endless promises, he accused me of nagging. It’s a no win situation for you. If you choose to stay, please know this will be your future. No progress on his part, only blame shifting to you.>>> on Forum topic - Inaccurate Labels
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by: Neuchatel81 -
My husband was to call clinical psychologist 2 weeks ago for appointment for ADHD evaluation. I asked him for update today. He insisted he had called 2 weeks ago but he never told me or gave me any updates. He now insists I was counting the days to “punish him” about not following through. I am struggling to understand why he constantly tells me I am punishing him when I ask about items that have not been completed. If he just offered a 1 minute update per week, I would be happy that he is...>>> on Forum topic - Inaccurate Labels
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by: J -
You said: "Doesn't accepting all of this just let "them" off the hook, and create more chaos for me? Doesn't this mean huge, big problems down the line?" I've heard this asked before so I already know it's a big question that does not have an easy answer.....but I think I can make an attempt, by sharing my own more recent thoughts ...more than anything else, to answer it for myself. I'll do best to pull a lot of things together to make my case, as to why I feel the way I do...knowing I'm the...>>> on Forum topic - Radical Acceptance
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by: J -
to your specific situation Swedish, but towards the end with my X ....the effect of our dynamic was having the same affect on me as it dud with you. I finally stopped one day and thought " I can no longer say I even like her anymore * for me, that was the glue = liking her as a person ....as I experienced her....she'd become mean spirited without much to like anymore. It just wasn't a healthy environment for either one of us so, like her, you just picked the time. I wasn't going to leave by...>>> on Forum topic - Radical Acceptance
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by: Swedish coast -
This I relate to. I was devoted to my husband for so many years, and then disappointed and stressed and depleted, and finally barely tolerated him in the house, and then made him move out. I feel bad about that last part. Probably I couldn’t even admit at the time I came to loathe his presence. It had to do with him lashing out violently and cyclically. He forgot about a fight next day, but I could never forget. And with time, I also lost the ability to forgive. But why did I put him...>>> on Forum topic - Radical Acceptance
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by: J -
You made a few really good points at the end of what you said. Putting the "marriage vows" and the "eyes of God" aside for a moment.... Who, including yourself, wants to be just tolerated? To be where you don't feel welcome or even liked ? Even worse, to feel the contempt of another person, to be in a room with someone you know, who really can't stand to be with you or even wants you around? Now imagine, that person berating you, belittling you and calling you names ( labeling you in...>>> on Forum topic - Radical Acceptance
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by: honestly -
Cats can be rehomed. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. Because wouldn’t it be better for the cat to be with someone who really really wanted a cat, rather than with someone who was just about coping with unintended cat ownership? I arrived at this realisation in therapy. That it was wrong to stay with my ex at least in part because I’d arrived at a state where although there was still a kind of loyalty and concern there, I didn’t even like him anymore, and he should be with someone who did...>>> on Forum topic - Radical Acceptance
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by: littleADHDlatina -
This is very interesting and good writing! I agree that keeping are mind focused on big tasks like swimming or biking makes the mind think about those tasks heavily so we don't do adhd things lol! good job mostly agree agree with you.But come on not showering anymore that um sus for sure.I am sorry for your loss of your fatherly figure in your life.May he rest in peace in heaven.>>> on Forum topic - Doctor Visit
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