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by: Neuchatel81 -
Tried to talk to husband but he is offended I do not trust him after he has taken household funds to support his business. Three times he told me he would not do it, and yet he did so each time not even bothering to speak to me. I feel stupid I did not speak up earlier. He now insists that 30% of our retirement funds are “his” only, and he will use them as he sees fit for his business and will not allow me any veto power. He states I only wish to control all the money, while I tell him I just wish to...>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: Swedish coast -
Avoidance like you describe is so harmful to the relationship. It seems shutting down communication is a way for an overwhelmed ADHD person to avoid conflict. They think it’s the safe option. Instead it’s a highway to disaster. Thinking of you.>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: J -
"Over the last few years I've really started to question where ADHD ends and something more like narcissistic personality disorder begins. What is uncontrollable impulsivity, and what is just a basic disregard for other people? How much of his "insomnia" is his abuse of his adderall prescription, which he's been able to push up to 90mg/day?" I want to state up front, I'm not a doctor, pharmacist or expert in the field of drugs. My only expertise comes from my own experience but when I read this...>>> on Forum topic - I can't be my husband's advocate
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by: Neuchatel81 -
My husband has a neuromuscular disease that he has chosen to ignore for years. It has now progressed to the point that he should probably be in a wheelchair, or at least get physical therapy and leg braces. He keeps stating he plans on making changes such as eating better, exercising, etc., but does nothing. All the while, I am doing all I can to stay fit and mobile since we are both at retirement age (although we both are still working). All I can see in the future is having to care for him when he...>>> on Forum topic - I can't be my husband's advocate
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by: Neuchatel81 -
I have had a couple more conversations with husband. He states he sometimes fails to talk about issues as he is concerned it will devolve into an argument - I recently learned that even disagreeing with him leads him to believe we are arguing. Since I am an outspoken person, if I disagree with him then I will tell him so. I gave him clear indication that NOT speaking leads me to feel as if he does not care. It will be very sad if our relationship fails simply because he does not want to risk...>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: honestly -
I really feel for you. I was in a similar relationship - down to the hygiene issues - and was also called critical, negative and even cruel. If you're hesitant to leave 'for the sake of the kids', I'm here to tell you what he's modelling to them and inflicting on them is doing them no good at all. Aside from all of the social and practical complexity you have to deal with day to day, the people in your shared lives he has pissed off, the fact that you can't rely on him to even show up for...>>> on Forum topic - I can't be my husband's advocate
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by: 1Melody1 -
Sometimes there's no way through but out.>>> on Forum topic - I can't be my husband's advocate
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by: J -
I'm pretty confident, avoident attachmemt is at the core for my X and, other members of my own family who are suspect ( undiagnosed ) of having ADHD. I want to include "external locus of control" into this mix as well. The belief you either have control, or do not have control ..to affect changes in your life is influenced by whether you tend to be more "internal" or "external" in your internal locus of control. I do believe from everything I know, having an avoidant ( insecure )...>>> on Forum topic - Why have I gone from her hero to her villain?
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by: J -
This makes a lot of sense.>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: Swedish coast -
He might care, even a lot, but still not be able to do what’s needed. To act in a way that shows he cares, he needs prioritizing skills, initiative, ability to decide, conclude, verbalize, and finish things off. All these executive abilities may be down due to ADHD. I can relate so much to what you describe, it’s awful. Only wish I could do something to help.>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: Neuchatel81 -
I told husband today that I am going back to therapist on my own to determine what I need to do for my future and wellbeing. He said he understood and that he realizes he needs to do a lot (get adequate sleep, follow up, etc.). He still makes NO attempt to speak to me about anything to do with our relationship. When we met with therapist last week, he said he was thinking about things and needed to talk to me, but he has yet to do so. How does he not understand that the lack of communication is going...>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: Swedish coast -
I agree Sanguine. There’s a reflex at least in my culture to assume conflicting partners are both equally to blame. Unless there’s physical violence perhaps. The thing about ADHD-non marriage conflict in my opinion is it isn’t best described in moral terms. Since conflict is driven by lack of understanding and lack of ability, it’s rather a clumsy blindfolded nightmare version of regular conflict. I guess it’d be correct to say both my ex and I have endured a lot of emotional abuse. However...>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: Sanguine -
Most couples therapy and most marital advice/self-help is premised on the assumption that there is a problematic dynamic to which both spouses contribute, and therefore that both have something to work on. A lot of people with ADHD (certainly all with RSD) will leverage that to reassure themselves that they're not the problem, especially if they're not ready to change. They will find fault with you, real or imagined, and usually they will convince themselves that they can't change until you do....>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: Off the roller ... -
Just came on here to lend support and it sounds like its really really tough. Melanie Beatty books on co-dependancy really helped me through a similar time to yours - but it is hard to sit with the hard shit and not actually try to change it. Sending hugs>>> on Forum topic - Disrespected
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by: Off the roller ... -
I just came on here to say that it sounds really really really tough what you're going through. Im glad u shared it and you aren't alone.>>> on Forum topic - Disrespected
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by: Swedish coast -
It’s cruel, but I relate to this as well. Feeling misunderstood and criticized enough finally made my ex too lose consideration for how his actions affected me. Coupled with his unawareness of the (terrible) effect his untreated conditions had had already, this was painful. There was a flip, when he decided to save himself and no longer cared about me. At that point, it’s easy to wish you hadn’t spent the last years accommodating his illness and stretching yourself thin.>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: Swedish coast -
J, I was hoping you’d share. Your vivid story of living with cattle today is spot on. I believe depression that seems to be a hallmark of our time is often due to stressors being unconfined. Your bull problem is in the now, and when you’ve herded the animals off, you can relax. Most people today don’t ever get to relax. Threats are constant and have to do with being liked or accepted or not, or having made the right choices or not. Our world is super complex and I actually don’t think...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD wisdom of the present
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by: Neuchatel81 -
Thank you for your comments. I do realize this is having an effect on me (and my health), so that is why I told husband I could not longer check in with him on anything as he becomes SO reactive I simply cannot take the drama. We had a talk today that was not easy by any means; even though he is about the smartest person I know, he acts as if he does not understand what I say (even when I carefully explain it), and then accuses me of just implying it is all his fault. I have owned my responsibility in...>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: Swedish coast -
This sounds like what happened in the last year of my marriage. My ex and I had dug down so deep into our patterns, we were hypersensitive to each other. He was 18 months into treatment for ADHD and changing medication had altered his personality, too. I no longer had to do anything, he’d still sense my disappointment and resentment like a burn. My skin crawled just at the sight of him. His boneless horizontal position on furniture gave me heart palpitations. When this happened, we...>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: partnerofadhdbf -
Not to excuse this behavior but maybe share some insight to what it could possibly be. Oftentimes they say Avoidant attachment can coincide with ADHD. I think when avoidants are in a fight or flight state they try to devalue their partner as a means of self preservation. In their mind during this time they visualize you as the enemy to try and push you away to preserve themselves. This is in my experience something that only gets better when you don’t argue it and give them full space. Harder said...>>> on Forum topic - Why have I gone from her hero to her villain?
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