Recent Comments
- by: Swedish coast - The possible reason you give for the unkindness is probably it. I should maybe just let go of reliving the painful days of divorce. It's hard to process this though, just as you said. To me, the main goal during divorce was to be fair and kind. I knew we would both have to start new lives, and we were both in bad shape due to his illness and stress already. It was important to me to express my grief over the marriage, that I had tried so hard to save. I told him, even after he said those awful things, how...>>> on Forum topic - The unkindness
- by: AG - I appreciate you being on here and sharing your perspective, Swedish. And also thank you for commenting on my post. I would guess that your ex was acting unkind and hurtful because of his own suffering and inability to process his emotions in a healthy way. "If he's hurting so should you" My SO just called and asked if I would like him to come home first after work or go to the (hyperfixation) casino first for arbitrage betting. Either way he's going to the casino.....so I said I'd like to see you...>>> on Forum topic - The unkindness
- by: cheffluke - Sorry, I got side tracked I just realized. The whole event over the summer got me into therapy and IOP because I was having so many night terrors, just full breakdowns when I'd see my wife, etc. It was really really hard for her and for myself and I thought I was losing my mind. Therapy started getting me thinking in different ways and managing some of my feelings, but it wasn't focused on ADHD because I was pretty oblivious to the idea that ADHD may be a symptom of the issues we have been facing. Her...>>> on Forum topic - A Failing Marriage & ADHD
- by: cheffluke - She asked for the separation. I can't say I was surprised it was coming, but I also didn't necessarily expect it how it was. A lot of what happened definitely blindsided me. She said it was a slow rolling ball over a decade that led to where she was now. We both admitted to a lack of communication through all of this, which definitely added to the situation. I honestly do not know what will happen in the future at this point. There was a situation this summer that kind of accelerated a lot of this...>>> on Forum topic - A Failing Marriage & ADHD
- by: Swedish coast - You describe so heartbreakingly how the connection is strong to your loved one and still he makes you suffer while you praise him. This doesn't align with your values. I get that completely. About feeling responsible for him if you leave - it's also possible he'll do better without you. A painful realization I had after divorce. My ex husband, whom I was afraid to leave since he suffered several comorbidities to ADHD, apparently was much happier without my non-ADHD expectations (I wasn't as discreet about...>>> on Forum topic - Today's thoughts
- by: J - Swedish, if I'm not mistaken, severe or prolonged anxiety is the root cause of PTSD. I'm sure I have it to a certain degree...but anything that happens to a person ( in a negative way ) will eventually have a profound effect on that person after too long a time. Being born with the propensity to have it even without any outside help will probably only make it worse no matter what your personal experience is. I can only assume, this is part of the ADHD experience for the person who has it, especially like...>>> on Forum topic - Psilocybin: RSD, OCD, Depression, Anxiety and ADHD
- by: Swedish coast - I feel for you. I'm sorry you're anticipating guilt if taking the lead to separate. It's really too much, isn't it, to be alone with the big decisions? I felt with the severe ADD decisions were all mine, and certainly it's very hard to leave someone who's ill. It's like we don't have a social contract for this. Sometimes I feel like a big advocate for divorce here on the forum, but please rest assured I deeply get the difficulty of deciding whether or not to leave. I only wish your marriage would treat...>>> on Forum topic - A Failing Marriage & ADHD
- by: Off the roller ... - I really apppreciate your post. I'm so curious because I am on the cliff at the moment and not sure if it's going to be up to me to push us over and finally say 'enough!' or do I continue to wait and 'hope' my spouse comes to some realisations too? I am not asking you to tell me about my situation, but I'm so curious as to how it came to separation for you and yours. Was it a situation that your wife said 'ENOUGH!' and then did she outline what was going to happen? Did she ask for the separation? Did you...>>> on Forum topic - A Failing Marriage & ADHD
- by: cheffluke - Thank you very much. I've started most of this stuff on my own because I've most certainly recognized the impact that I've had on my marriage, and it hurts me so much to know how much pain I've caused my SO. I need to be focusing on myself first and foremost through this because I do not want to feel like I'm making these changes just for her and then down the road I just stop working on things because we get to a point of being "comfy" again. I never want to be in that place again. I want to work on...>>> on Forum topic - A Failing Marriage & ADHD
- by: cheffluke - All great points and ones I will take to heart as I continue this journey. Thank you so much for your response.>>> on Forum topic - A Failing Marriage & ADHD
- by: cheffluke - Thank you so much. It's honestly been one of the most enlightening moments of my life so I'm thankful in many ways that I'm able to acknowledge this at this point. Yes, the "how I got here" is painful and fills me with lots of regret and shame, but all I can do is work on myself at this point and hope that there will be a brighter day down the road at some point. But I'm ready to travel this road as long as I need to to get to a point where I can manage my ADHD better.>>> on Forum topic - A Failing Marriage & ADHD
- by: cheffluke - Thanks so much for the suggestion! I've added it to my list :)>>> on Forum topic - A Failing Marriage & ADHD
- by: cheffluke - It was a combination of things. Honestly the separation triggered me to really start digging deep and doing some soul searching. My wife told me that I've impulsive and have always been which definitely triggered a bit of a "ah ha!" moment, so I started searching up some things she's said to me in the past and kept coming up with reddit posts and such related to spouses with ADHD. It started making me wonder, so I did even more research and realized that a lot of things I have done in the past, or the...>>> on Forum topic - A Failing Marriage & ADHD
- by: cheffluke - I'm definitely not expecting a magic fix at all. I expect this will be lasting for a very very long time. I know this space has been what she has been needing, so I'm more than happy to keep doing this as long as it takes. I've started searching for a new therapist that specializes in ADHD, reading books and resources, etc. additudemag.com has been one of my big go-to's lately along with books and podcasts. While I certainly hope that one day I can be the man that my wife once was in love with, I...>>> on Forum topic - A Failing Marriage & ADHD
- by: cheffluke - This was really great to read. Thank you so much for your honesty and helping me see things from a different perspective. Words are not always easy for me, I've realized, and can lead to misunderstandings. None of what you said upset me at all. I'm taking in everyone's advice because it's so helpful just to hear others experiences and perspectives in these situations. I've started looking for a new therapist that specializes in ADHD as my current one doesn't, reading a ton of books and materials, and...>>> on Forum topic - A Failing Marriage & ADHD
- by: Swedish coast - It sounds you have really found ways to work around the hyper focus! I smile reading your post. It gives hope!>>> on Forum topic - When Hyperfocus Hijacks a Relationship
- by: J - I can see multiple things working here that would work perfectly for me. "he's realized I really will go without him and remembers that he felt left out last time...." To this day, I remember watching my father driving away down the street leaving me standing in the driveway trying to get to school one day. I never did that again. "we clean the house as a family from 10am-12pm" Having one, never changing time to remember on the same day every week is excellent. I can do that. I always mow the lawn at...>>> on Forum topic - When Hyperfocus Hijacks a Relationship
- by: Luvs2Run - We have a lot of turmoil surrounding "productive" hyper focuses too. The focus changes but the inattention to me and the kids while pursuing a hyper focus is always there. Over the last few years we've been really working on our marriage and slowly very slowly it feels like we're making progress. One thing I've changed is not letting it stop me from living my life and having fun. If my husband is super focused in on something and not wanting to do a family activity on the weekend for instance, I don't...>>> on Forum topic - When Hyperfocus Hijacks a Relationship
- by: Swedish coast - My severe ADD partner said at some point the anxiety he'd felt every day since forever was the most debilitating part of his illness(es). I believe anxiety can have a profound effect on a person. I also understand one would do practically anything to be rid of it. Just take care, J? That stuff is also toxic at a certain dose.>>> on Forum topic - Psilocybin: RSD, OCD, Depression, Anxiety and ADHD
- by: shevrae - If things have gotten so bad that your wife needs to be away from you, be prepared for this separation to last for a while. You are struggling after 2 weeks but it may be the first time in a long time that she has managed to find any space to breathe. It may be the first time in years she feels she can relax in her own personal space. Your goal should not be to hurry up and fix a couple of big issues so you can end the separation, but how to become the kind of person your wife can feel safe and relax...>>> on Forum topic - A Failing Marriage & ADHD