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by: honestly -
My ex only listened to my requests for change when I finally asked for a divorce. Over the previous years - decades - I had asked at first tentatively, but then considerately, reasonably, for other changes from him. Because of RSD, he made me the problem. Out of exhaustion and frustration once in a while I would complain angrily, and that, he decided, was due to a character flaw in me. He told me I was negative, critical and cruel. Twenty five years together and I had become badly eroded by this...>>> on Forum topic - How do you talk to your AuDHD spouse who you suspect also has RSD and DESR?
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by: RockandAHardPlace -
Yes, i many times wished I’d already addressed this. And I may just do it soon as it’s swallowing me up these days. I’m trying to keep some calmness in my thoughts about this, but that’s not so easy! How did that conversation go for you, 1Melody1? What was his reaction? And yours?>>> on Forum topic - How do you talk to your AuDHD spouse who you suspect also has RSD and DESR?
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by: 1Melody1 -
I went through this in my marriage as well. How to bring these things up? How to say it in just the right way? How not to hurt them? How to impart that addressing this would really potentially benefit them, our relationship and the household? What I wish I'd done is just to say it. I learned that there was no perfect way or perfect time for me to do it without my spouse (over)reacting. Agonizing over the when and how really prolonged my pain and let more resentment build. I wish I had known that...>>> on Forum topic - How do you talk to your AuDHD spouse who you suspect also has RSD and DESR?
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by: RockandAHardPlace -
Thanks for the empathy, Swedish coast, but I am looking for positivity. :-) Nowhere did I suggest I was considering ending the marriage. I am looking for options on how to discuss this with someone that tends to not react well to these types of conversations. I've read until my eyes are crossed about AuDHD, RSD, DESR and how DBT and/or ACT therapy can help, and the possibilties of improvement that the meds guanfacine or clonidine provide. Has anyone experienced improvements either with their spouse or...>>> on Forum topic - How do you talk to your AuDHD spouse who you suspect also has RSD and DESR?
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by: honestly -
So you shut down emotionally, and he prefers it. This really tracks with my experience- any emotional response of mine at all, including to things most human beings would consider highly emotionally charged (including childbirth), was considered too big. Shutting down is, it seems, what is required of us, because an emotionally shut down spouse ceases to put any demands on them at all. It’s bleak. I hope for you the shut down is a phased withdrawal, a step towards becoming more alive elsewhere...>>> on Forum topic - Different levels
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by: Swedish coast -
I truly empathize. You see a worsening of your marriage, her mental and physical health, but have a hard time talking to her about it because, presumably, of RSD signs when she senses criticism. This is a key difficulty for many of us who’ve loved ADHD people. They don’t feel they’re anything but normal. Their reality that may seem distorted to us, is right for them. They resent their behavior being discussed as problematic. They simply don’t agree with us. Which is why they don’t care to...>>> on Forum topic - How do you talk to your AuDHD spouse who you suspect also has RSD and DESR?
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by: RockandAHardPlace -
I have a spouse that I suspect has AuDHD, RSD and DESR. So I hear you loud and clear! I don't even know how to begin having a discussion about her getting a thorough evaluation, or seeking treatment and medication, as it will just spiral out of control. I also think that all of the physical ailment that she continually mentions would disappear with proper treatment. I know your post was 10 months ago, so how are things now?>>> on Forum topic - Support for person on receiving end of RSD/DESR
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by: Cinder_ella_20 -
Your post resonates with me so much. I feel for you. You're not alone! I'm 20+ years into my relationship and my partner's symptoms have also gotten more pronounced as the years went by, probably the last 5. I feel like I carry most of the load at home with the kids and pets, while also working. Now I'm at the same point as you where want to just scream also. I agree with Swedish Coast. There isn't much you can do. He has to be aware of his symptoms and how they affect your relationship...>>> on Forum topic - Burned out partner
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by: adhd32 -
Ironically, today marks 10 years on this forum for me. Unfortunately we can no longer read one another's historic posts here so l'll just say that things don't change unless the ADDer wants to put in the time and effort to manage their condition. Over the years everything was tailored to accommodate his needs and likes because it avoided arguments. We had a typical adhd homelife w me working and caring for the kids and the home while he complained, threw up roadblocks, diminished me and the kids,...>>> on Forum topic - Different levels
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by: Cinder_ella_20 -
Your post is so honest and I appreciate you sharing. You need to decide for yourself if you want to keep living the status quo in your relationship or choose yourself and go on a different path. You deserve to live your life in a fulfilling way for yourself. We only get one chance to live it! I am in the same place as you are in my thought process. I won't tell you what to do, as it's a personal decision. I've read books, asked questions, saw a therapist, and approached my partner...>>> on Forum topic - Different levels
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by: 1Melody1 -
Not about finances. but I had the same struggles in my marriage trying to get my then-husband to see the impact of his actions on others. I don't know that there is a way unless your therapist can break through, and even then, the story he tells himself in his mind is what likely wins. With me, I was working, doing all the parenting, cooking, cleaning, etc. When I was frustrated and exhausted, he saw that as my problem... I do too much. Not that I HAD to do too much because he did nothing. When...>>> on Forum topic - Deflection from Spouse
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by: Swedish coast -
Thinking of you and wishing you well!>>> on Forum topic - Deflection from Spouse
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by: Neuchatel81 -
I have already done all I can do to protect myself financially without filing for divorce. Husband has agreed to return to therapy, but I will try to see therapist on my own first as well to determine next best steps. I too am sorry I am going through ALL of this. I realize my husband may be dealing with more than I can see, but he has had decades to make it better but little effort has been made. I am just extremely sad.>>> on Forum topic - Deflection from Spouse
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by: Swedish coast -
I think you need to A) protect yourself financially ASAP and B) protect yourself emotionally. A would require a meeting with a financial advisor. B perhaps a temporary place to stay just to breathe, perhaps find therapy, make decisions about how to proceed. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.>>> on Forum topic - Deflection from Spouse
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by: Neuchatel81 -
I told my husband yesterday I was no longer going to ask him for anything (at least for the short term) as I simply cannot stand the amount of stress that follow up causes (due to his inconsistent handling of most tasks). He considers it an “insult” that I do not trust him. How to explain to him that the “lack of trust” is directly related to what he has shown me over a number of years? It appears he does not connect his behavior with my feelings, as if I just created the lack of trust out of thin air...>>> on Forum topic - Deflection from Spouse
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by: J -
Off the Roller, you've said a few things that resonate and I have some thoughts of my own, in attempting to tie these things together. But first, I want to mention Kelsey Pheldner, the 31 year old woman who is about to break ALL !!! World Records ( for men and women ), rowing across the Pacific Ocean to Hawaii. * I bet she would go beyond precited here on this forum...and she's gone one better, beating all comers...beating the fastest mens record by about a week. So just now, when...>>> on Forum topic - Different levels
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by: Neuchatel81 -
I really appreciate your comments. I have really tried over the past few months, but also own that early on in our 40+ year relationship that rather than work with him for solutions, I just took over too many tasks in order to get them done - that was not a good option. In addition to our relationship disintegrating, I am dealing with the slow diminishment of my 96 year old mother who at least is in assisted living. Also, over the last 5 days, our 12 year old dog is now exhibiting signs of...>>> on Forum topic - Deflection from Spouse
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m positive you as non-ADHD partner can’t unilaterally solve the problems in the marriage. You have tried hard for months to modify your actions, he doesn’t change anything. Of course you are resentful, it’s because he’s not providing prerequisites for the marriage to work. Sadly, it seems often the non-ADHD partner also must take the initiative to end a dying relationship. ADHD inertia meaning no suggestions, no solutions means the non-ADHD partner is forced to take all responsibility for...>>> on Forum topic - Deflection from Spouse
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by: Neuchatel81 -
Husband has now told me since I resent him all the time through my behavior and actions, he no longer wishes to live like this but is unable to offer any other options/solutions. I have failed miserably. I have been making an effort to try to do things differently since February of this year, but it all has only gotten worse. Everytime I take responsibility, he considers it a back handed slap on HIM. I cannot combat this thinking and feel defeated.>>> on Forum topic - Deflection from Spouse
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by: Swedish coast -
Truly, doesn’t it seem like a lot of ADHD behavior is not conscious and the ADHD person blind to its effects? They may have no idea they’re bending reality or messing somebody else’s life up. I’ve concluded my ex is unaware he’s damaged my nervous system by his choices, then lied, taken advantage and been abusive. He’s conveniently forgotten. He has no idea why I can’t bear to see him nowadays. I’m honestly curious about how things are in that ADHD universe, it has little resemblance...>>> on Forum topic - Deflection from Spouse
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