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by: J -
My own thoughts about what you just said Swedish, is to try to be more outgoing, by the literal definition of the word. This may be more difficult for a more introverted person but it's exactly what I'm doing now. And I'm not divorced or without someone. I don't think it matters really, it's just about doing something that makes you happy but....just not alone meaning, where other people are who are enjoying the same thing. My go to has always been skiing for example. Ever since I was a teenager...>>> on Forum topic - Shame
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by: sickandtired -
Anger and also fear are normal reactions to what you have just been through. Ending a relationship you had hoped to lead to marriage is sort of like a death. You will mourn what you think you lost. The reality is that you never really had what you had hoped for… a loving supportive partner who would be there for you to help with life’s hard times. Your reality was that you were being forced to carry the financial and emotional load for 2 people, he refused help, and just kept digging you deeper and...>>> on Forum topic - Anger post break up
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by: J -
In a compassionate way, dealing with my anger towards my SO, I referred back to the idea of shame, and how it will motivate a person and their behavior. I was thinking about what I wrote about Eckhart Tolle and the notion of "self"...as a construct. Shame has a big part in shaping this construct as in, avoidance of shame. There's self esteem, which I've struggled with at various times. It can come and go and it is tied ( for me, a man ) to things like my work, being weak, or other measures...>>> on Forum topic - Eckhart Tolle
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by: Swedish coast -
Dottie, this sure is a tremendous loss. I’d say your anger is totally appropriate. I was deprived of most of my hopes when the 20+ year ADD marriage went to splinters last year. Since then, much has happened and I want to convey some hope to you. The anger is terrible, but if you’re like I’ve been, it has its course, and then it will leave you. Everywhere it says we need to experience all emotions going through a difficult separation, and not try to short-circuit them. I believe this...>>> on Forum topic - Anger post break up
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by: J -
Early this morning, before waking, I had another one of my ( now famous ) strange vivid dreams. I've mentioned I've had these most my life along with: sleep paralysis, talking in my sleep, night terrors, sleep walking, and this sort of dream, the one I had this morning which is an odd kind of combination between sleep paralysis combined with some sort of emergency. The problem comes, when it's time to act and you can't move. Your not frozen with fear....you simply can't move no matter how hard you try...>>> on Forum topic - My anger is the problem, apparently
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by: J -
Time may vary. "Intransigent" was the word I was looking for. I like one word answers. It saves time.>>> on Forum topic - My anger is the problem, apparently
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by: Swedish coast -
Thank you. You clearly know what you’re talking about. Isn’t it funny I always thought myself independent? Decided at a young age I would rather have no romantic relationship than a bad one, and lived according to that. But I was used to getting a lot of attention from men, and now there’s none. Even my ADD husband, dysfunctional though the marriage was, always expressed deep love for me. It’s almost like I can’t live without that external gaze. My young self would have scoffed at this un-...>>> on Forum topic - Emptiness
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by: Swedish coast -
That sure is comforting! I do believe friends are incredibly important in this. Like you, I’ve tied closer bonds with several good friends since divorce. I’m so glad to hear you’re making plans for the immediate future to enjoy yourself with friends!>>> on Forum topic - Emptiness
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by: c ur self -
I think friends can be a big part of moving on...I've got a few very close friends, and I've been doing some things with them from time to time...I've also started meeting with several former classmates, (reconnected on FB) that are christian's also...We've been doing a bible study once a week...A small group of us have plans to go to West Virginia in Feb, to ride our side by sides...They have several major trail system's in the mountains and cater to the side by side community. You can even ride on...>>> on Forum topic - Emptiness
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by: J -
I just remembered how I know this. My ex-wife ( I believe ) used sex in this way. She knew how much sex meant to me, and used it to "get things" from me. It was a tool to gain control....like a reward for "good behavior" but only intermittently. It was just enough ( barely ) to keep me on the hook, believing you'd get more if you did more. And it worked ! But left me feeling empty and unhappy most of the time. This doesn't feel at all what's happening with my SO and I . At...>>> on Forum topic - Cycles and Patterns
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by: J -
At the same time, her "hot and cold cycle" appears more to be directly connected to me and stress. I definitely notice her irritation levels fluctuate more due to work for example. She works at home part time, and in the office the rest of the time. On office days, her mood and irritations levels change. Stress is definitely a big influence. When stress levels rise....the "needy" comment comes out. Even the other day when called to help with the grand babies on short notice this...>>> on Forum topic - Cycles and Patterns
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by: J -
"If you're not with us, you're against us" Hi Exhausted Echidna, I'm going through many of the things you've mentioned about anger and contempt. I think, at the heart of the matter is unresolved trauma as you mentioned. I believe, from my own experience, it will put a chip on your shoulder unless it's addressed. I can say for myself, that's a big part of it. It creates an "us and them" mentality that creates walls between people. I was going to tell a recent story that I was...>>> on Forum topic - My anger is the problem, apparently
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by: Swedish coast -
I think intermittent reinforcement would be a correct translation from my language. Have you heard of it? It’s the occasional ‘hot’ in a hot and cold situation. By learning we sometimes, but not always, get the reward of ‘hot’, the human brain is said to linger even in Arctic surroundings hoping for hot. Intermittent reinforcement ensnares the mind. It’s the same psychological mechanism that will keep us on slot machines. Hoping for the sweet rattle of coins. I think intermittent reinforcement may...>>> on Forum topic - Cycles and Patterns
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by: Exhausted Echidna -
Hello, exhaustedkitten. I'm new here. This is my first comment. Your story sounds very familiar, sadly. (I'm shocked by the number of people with such similar usernames, i.e. expressing exhaustion, frustration, having reached their limit, etc. I appreciate all the other comments. I certainly can't answer your question -- for all kinds of reasons, the least of which is I find myself contemplating the same thing. But... what I can offer is that we humans have this alarmingly common and...>>> on Forum topic - At a crossroads on whether to give up or stay in
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by: J -
I appreciate your ability to see through things and get to the heart of the matter. It helps me draw conclusions which are difficult for me at times. That's a gift! Here's a text she sent me yesterday to put things into perspective: "I sure love you Kelly! ❤️ Don't forget it, don't question it, and don't over think it! We're on track, so don't sweat the small stuff!" Yet, only the day before it was: " I don't think we're a good match, I can't live with this Chaos and...>>> on Forum topic - Cycles and Patterns
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by: Swedish coast -
I spent a year and a half during and after divorce writhering in pain for what my ADD partner did and didn’t do. Now as this is clearing away, I’m starting to anticipate my own failures. The ADD relationship mistakes would be enough. But this now extends to all troubled parts of my past… It’s turning 50 year in my circles which means reuniting with dozens of people, now friends of friends, that Ive functionally lost. They have been important. Most of them have been lost due to ADD shrinkage of...>>> on Forum topic - Emptiness
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by: Swedish coast -
You deserve kindness and an honest heart in your partner. If she’s very conflicted in her feelings, giving you hot and cold treatment, that’s not a sign of enduring love. The future with her should feel safe. You should be able to trust her. There shouldn’t be manipulation or abuse.>>> on Forum topic - Cycles and Patterns
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by: J -
This is something I haven't said before now. In context to everything I've heard, heard mentioned, odd statements from her daughter in law, her daughter in law herself, a certain "feeling" , everyone knows something but aren't openly saying it. This includes a somewhat incomplete explanation from my SO about the therapy she received, moments of recognizing she does things like gaslighting and immediately acknowledges when she does. Actually apologizing when I pointed out that it's abuse...>>> on Forum topic - Cycles and Patterns
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by: J -
The issue for me is not necessarily the cheating. It's whether that person has learned from it, and has remorse that they made a mistake. Are they series cheaters, who have a life long pattern of cheating? Opportunists, when no one is looking? Or did they do it, at a specific time or place for a specific reason....with no pattern of cheating? I myself, have cheated in a different context, in the past. I wasn't married ( so I told myself or rationalized it was okay ) ...if your not...>>> on Forum topic - Cycles and Patterns
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by: J -
I awoke this morning immediately thinking about something she said the other night when we were discussing our future together. She was pretty adamant about me not wanting to have these "talks" about anything to do with my therapy and what I've learned....or my feelings. Several times, she's stopped me when anything had to do with her. As I pointed out, I can't talk about issues I'm having , without referring to you at times? I do have to be very careful, not to insinuate or imply blame on her part...>>> on Forum topic - Cycles and Patterns
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