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by: J -
"Ferrara and Vergara's original theory says the burden occurs when women's emotional support is not equally reciprocated within the relationship. Their examples center on emotional support and social-network maintenance—not the total exchange of everything two people contribute to a partnership." "The authors specifically require an asymmetry." Of course, I had to look it up ( at the source ) not from a periodical written to sell viewership. Right of the bat, I believe dustortions ( and...>>> on Forum topic - "Mankeeping"
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by: Swedish coast -
Good point Honestly. The failure to maintain social connections is the logical outcome of a marriage where one partner has extremely low executive function. And perhaps also spends all free time in hiding. But then some of us nons are highly social and used to social abundance, even afraid to be alone. So before we surrender and let go of our entire support network and sources of joy, we try desperately to compensate for our passive partner. This has been a nightmare for me. Feeling...>>> on Forum topic - "Mankeeping"
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by: honestly -
this work is something we do because we believe these things are important - the rituals and routines and relationships that we think ought to be honoured and maintained. And it seems from J’s POV at least, they shouldn’t be. I know this is subjective and isn’t universal- my ex would get angry if I didn’t help him with this stuff and he then seemed to have effed up. And he expected endless psychological support and stress-and-anger-dumping on me. So by some men at least this stuff is expected, even...>>> on Forum topic - "Mankeeping"
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by: lupath26 -
The part that hit me in your post was the word unpaid. Not unpaid in money, unpaid in acknowledgment. In my own marriage the tasks were never the heavy part. Remembering his mother's birthday, noticing the low mood before he noticed it himself, keeping our friendship calendar alive, that is a whole second job that only exists if someone sees it, and usually nobody sees it. The term is useful for one thing I think. It moves the question from am I doing enough to why is this only my job....>>> on Forum topic - "Mankeeping"
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by: J -
I'm seeing the pattern, and it's now becoming familar. Is it wierd? Yes. It it confusing ? Most definitely. Does it feel hot then cold? Is he pulling you back in, just to push you away? Everytime you get closer and more intimate, does he get critical, belittling, and hurtful? Say you're too "needy" ? Everytime you give "more space" and step away, does he become more engaging and seems warmer? Seems like it? I had a kind of epiphany recently...when reflecting on all the...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD Fiancé broke off our Engagement by text whilst over Medicated on Elvanse
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by: lupath26 -
Nearly twenty years of knowing him, then watching the change land right after a dose increase. No wonder you feel caught between two versions of the same person. There is a lot of loud input here pushing you toward a verdict. You do not need one this week. Go to the coffee if you want to, with no mission except to see how he treats you now. Then let the following weeks speak, because steadiness over time will tell you far more than one conversation can. Caring about him and protecting yourself are...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD Fiancé broke off our Engagement by text whilst over Medicated on Elvanse
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by: lupath26 -
Moving is a big step, sounds like the finance review is the doable first step. Wishing you both steadier days.>>> on Forum topic - I'm scared & so very tired
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by: 2Independent -
We had been talking about moving to be closer to family (which would certainly help) as well as to be nearer to amenities (including hospitals). There is no way we can do that anytime soon--nor would I want to. That would be the perfect "reason" to review ALL of our finances in detail. Thank you.>>> on Forum topic - I'm scared & so very tired
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by: Swedish coast -
Neuchatel, it sounds like you’ll do well (better) on your own. It’s so hard to see a life partner fall apart functionally, though. A huge disappointment. At least for me it’s also meant general lack of trust in loved ones, people in general, my own ability, my own worth. I’ve spent three years terrified of being alive. It is getting better, though. I’m starting to live my own life, not constantly missing the old life and my partner despite all his dysfunction. For skilled and...>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: J -
.>>> on Forum topic - Unmedicated and hitting breaking point
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by: lupath26 -
Something that might help reframe it: you already have the doorway. Weekly couples counselling is exactly the place her diagnosis becomes real and supported, and she is showing up to it. Whether she adds meds or her own therapist is hers to choose, and late diagnosed adults often need a long run at powering through before they accept more help. What is in your control is the handovers: calm, short, predictable. Kids read those ten minutes more than anything else. You are doing more right than it feels...>>> on Forum topic - Support for estranged partner
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by: lupath26 -
The car and the mower would annoy me, but the not knowing is what would keep me up at night. You cannot plan around a fog. Before your week off, maybe ask for one single hour with every debt on the table, framed as planning for your older years together rather than an audit of him. If he cannot give you that one hour, that answer is information too. A number is scary. A fog is scarier.>>> on Forum topic - I'm scared & so very tired
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by: lupath26 -
Ha, buy one-get one free would be dangerous in my house, we would fight over who gets the free session. Glad therapy is in the picture on your end too. That hour where someone else holds the map is worth a lot. Hang in there.>>> on Forum topic - Unmedicated and hitting breaking point
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by: Neuchatel81 -
Swedish Coast - Thank you for your kind words. Years ago, I never would have had this strength, but after caring for 4 elderly parents (Mom is now the last one left) and dealing with the VA for all of them, I found I had much more grit in me than I ever imagined. Both my husband and I were raised in military families (our fathers were both career military) and I believe this instills a lot of independence when you are growing up as you have to adapt to whatever is thrown at you. You are correct...>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: N4ally2 -
I am so sorry to hear your story. I can tell that you really do love your partner. It would be nice if there were a reminder system that could simply remind us to show our partners that love. And I’m actually not kidding! An acquaintance of mine, an AuDHD financial coach who is in a dual-ADHD relationship, once told me that her partner programmed a location-based reminder that goes off when he reaches their front yard. It reminds him to ask her how her day was. Every single day. Sometimes...>>> on Forum topic - I think I waited too long.
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by: lupath26 -
Ha, buy one-get one free would be dangerous in my house, we would fight over who gets the free session. Glad therapy is in the picture on your end too. That hour where someone else holds the map is worth a lot. Hang in there.>>> on Forum topic - Unmedicated and hitting breaking point
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by: lupath26 -
Ha, buy one get one free, if only that deal existed. Two people doing the work at the same time is honestly rare, so keep going. Glad my two cents helped and thanks for the laugh.>>> on Forum topic - Unmedicated and hitting breaking point
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by: lupath26 -
That is the best news in this whole thread. Keep letting therapy be the steady part while the rest gets worked out, and good for you for already being in it.>>> on Forum topic - Unmedicated and hitting breaking point
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by: N4ally2 -
First, I’m so sorry to hear what you’re dealing with. Your post, along with many of the comments here, reminds me of different parts of how I felt about my own relationship with my ADHD partner eight years ago. At the time, he wasn’t on medication or in therapy, was dependent on alcohol, and was dealing with manic depression. We were on the verge of divorce. Eight years later, we are in a very different place—and we’re happy together. We’ve learned how to communicate with each other...>>> on Forum topic - Unmedicated and hitting breaking point
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by: lostandlonely1 -
Thanks - I am in therapy too. Too bad you can't get a buy one-get one free deal because we've really kept therapists in business for years now. I appreciate your comments.>>> on Forum topic - Unmedicated and hitting breaking point
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