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by: Neuchatel81 -
I had first meeting with new therapist yesterday. At least she is older so appears to understand ramifications of long term relationship, and expressed understanding of ADD! I am really looking forward to next appointment in 2 weeks to begin real work. Attorney’s office has yet to call me back to begin client information process but I am making notes of all they may require. After speaking to husband on Sunday, it is clear he feels that joint retirement account funds are “for business” if he...>>> on Forum topic - Finances and Broken Trust
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m so glad you’re working to protect your retirement funding and also get emotional support from a therapist. Hoping this will turn things around!>>> on Forum topic - Finances and Broken Trust
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by: honestly -
I’ve been wondering and worrying about you, J. It looks like you left?>>> on Forum topic - Annoyed, frustrated, and looking for support
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by: J -
I can only confirm what others have said by adding one solid bit of evidence having just experienced something similar. It's the pattern itself in the big picture. --some reason he can't go to therapy --- "medical anxiety". I don't know enough clinical jargon to say that's not a technical term, but as I translate it for myself I hear, "I'm afraid of doctors " I'm not going to criticize or judge anyone who struggles with fears and anxieties but objectively speaking, that's kind of like a note...>>> on Forum topic - Annoyed, frustrated, and looking for support
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by: Neuchatel81 -
I am going to see a new therapist today to hopefully gain clarity about my situation. I attempted a conversation with spouse yesterday. It was interesting to see how he hears what I do not say rather than listening to actual words: when I asked him about his business not being profitable (for a number of years), all he heard was that it was never profitable (that I did not say) — definitely an element of shame there. I am in process of hiring an attorney as well. Yesterday’s conversation...>>> on Forum topic - Finances and Broken Trust
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by: Swedish coast -
You just received excellent advice from two people whose judgment I trust. Retrieve your living space. Free yourself from exploitation.>>> on Forum topic - Annoyed, frustrated, and looking for support
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by: honestly -
You are ‘worn thin’ and ‘exhausted’. You have been in ‘hell’ just living together. It has caused you to withdraw from him emotionally. Would you advise a friend to marry in these circumstances? You’re at the start of your life together; you should be happy and passionate and excited by each other. If it’s this bad now, how utterly miserably benightedly horrible do you think it will be when you are legally bound together- finances, healthcare, responsibilities, children maybe; the works? I’d be...>>> on Forum topic - Annoyed, frustrated, and looking for support
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by: Swedish coast -
His not treating this long-known condition has probably made your life unnecessarily hard and lessened the chances for your family to stay together. That responsibility is his. My ex didn’t get evaluation for neurodivergence for decades of deteriorating mental health. He wasn’t upfront with his doctors or psychologists. When he started ADD treatment, it was too late to save our marriage. This is his responsibility. We can mourn it, but not really bear responsibility for it. ...>>> on Forum topic - Can we come back from this?
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by: Mum_80 -
Sorry, he has the ADHD. Was diagnosed very young. Only recently (about 4 months ago) went back on meds after almost 18 years without. I am just still so shocked by it all. I want to fight for us but I feel like it’s a solo fight so maybe I should just give up. thank you for your response.>>> on Forum topic - Can we come back from this?
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by: Swedish coast -
So sorry to hear about this. You don’t mention who of you two might have ADHD, but perhaps it doesn’t matter. Like you, I’ve loved somebody who silently gave up on the marriage after many years of untreated ADHD and resulting destructive patterns. It’s very hard. To me, it seems unfair to let a relationship slip without giving notice earlier, like your partner seems to have done. The one we live with deserves honesty. A long relationship with children is precious and...>>> on Forum topic - Can we come back from this?
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by: Neuchatel81 -
I am looking forward to my appointment on January 12 with a new therapist. I also have called an attorney to begin the process of protecting my financial future. I do believe it takes as much effort to keep a marriage as to end it, and do not want to divorce, but need to find out what to do to protect myself since husband appears to have no intention to do so. Initial phone consult with attorney made me feel somewhat better as husband’s non profitable business is NOT normal, and my concerns are...>>> on Forum topic - Finances and Broken Trust
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by: 1Melody1 -
I can't recommend highly enough that you don't marry him. He isn't doing anything to address his ADHD or substance abuse and he is making his issues all your problem when you have enough to carry. It probably doesn't feel like it right now, but I promise it's a blessing to figure this out before you get married. He is showing you exactly who he is... please believe him. Your gut is screaming at you right now not to go through with the marriage... and for good reason. That voice is trying to save you....>>> on Forum topic - Annoyed, frustrated, and looking for support
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by: 1Melody1 -
It's so nice to hear that meds made such a difference in your relationship. From what I understand, stimulants are not the only medication option and there are a few heart-friendly options you could explore with your family doctor or whoever originally prescribed the original ADHD medication. Here's an older article on this that runs through a few options. There may also be some new non-stimulant options since that was published. https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/what-should-i-know-about-taking-...>>> on Forum topic - Coming off meds
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by: ElsieBear1 -
Agreed. There's too many red flags there. Do not marry this guy, he has zero intentions of working on himself. Sorry you're going through this, but unless he's willing to face the truth about his behaviour, you'll be divorce no.7 pretty quickly unfortunately.>>> on Forum topic - How do you deal with the constant disappointment?
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by: J -
Intentionality: It's done on purpose, with a clear understanding and a specific outcome in mind. Deliberate: It requires active mental and physical exertion, not just going through the motions. Non-automatic: It contrasts with automatic behaviors, requiring you to think critically about what you're doing...>>> on Forum topic - Letting go of control
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by: 1Melody1 -
Hey Neuchatel, I hope you find the therapist helpful. I happened to luck out with a great one who helped me find clarity in just a couple of sessions. I wish the same for you.>>> on Forum topic - Finances and Broken Trust
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by: J -
A conscious effort means deliberately and intentionally applying focus, thought, and energy to do something, rather than acting on autopilot or by accident, often to overcome habits or achieve a specific goal. It involves active mental engagement to perform an action, like making a conscious effort to eat healthier by actively choosing nutritious foods. YES !!>>> on Forum topic - Letting go of control
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by: J -
Conscious Effort: "Summon" means to make a great effort to have a quality, like summoning courage, strength, and intense focus." This is precisely what I mean....to regain faith in yourself.>>> on Forum topic - Letting go of control
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by: J -
I believe people see the word faith and immediately think of it in religion terms or "things outside yourself that cannot be explained in some super natural way, in a more magical thinking type way. I'm not demeaning or even dissmising magical thinking as a way to dream and use your imagination, it's part of the human experience.....it's just not the tool that's needed at times....and right now for me, is not that time. That's faith of the external kind, in things "outside of you" in somethin...>>> on Forum topic - Letting go of control
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by: Neuchatel81 -
I appreciate the comments and insights. I have an appointment on January 12 for a new therapist for myself. I am no longer as angry but am just sad that husband cannot find a way to work on the relationship himself. I was hoping that after 48 years (43 of marriage), he would think more of me and our partnership but guess not. I am uncertain where I will end up, but I know I am strong enough to take steps necessary to protect me and my future financial well being. If I was vindictive, I would go ahead...>>> on Forum topic - Finances and Broken Trust
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