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by: Turnblade Jade -
Wait, what was the question? ---scrolls to top to read OP again--- Right. I'm 40. My husband is 42. We've been married for 19 years and have four kids. Shared boundaries for what we absolutely will not do (supplied by having been raised in the same church) have kept us together. (No porn, no alcohol, no drugs, abstinence before marriage and complete fidelity in marriage.) We are absolutely committed. But it's been hard to handle our adhd. We coasted for a long time. We had...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD on both sides of the partnership?
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by: J -
This topic of "not getting it" or being not able to see yourself as others do ( having ADHD ) is a common theme for those who have nuerodivergent partners. I've heard it before, I've experienced this [ phenomonon ] and am keenly aware that it exists. For the moment, I'm going to take the position of someone who's very aware of this to the pount, that even now, I have no real answer or means to effectively change this "thing" I have no name for. Even more recently, despite me being aware....all...>>> on Forum topic - Ex husband with ADHD doesn’t understand what he’s done to me
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by: Pseudonym -
First of all, I just want to say welcome to the forum! Acknowledging your diagnosis and seeking treatment are great first steps. You are informing yourself and understanding the challenges that play a part in your relationship, along with medication. Give yourself some grace and I hope you feel good about the progress you are making. I wish my husband would take the extra steps that you are. In the end, please do all of this for yourself. Hopefully she will see the changes you are...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD, a Breakup, and Trying to Win My Partner Back
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by: J -
...not for someone else. I'm not with anyone, and I continue to work on my ADHD related challenges for myself ( by myself ). ADHD is not an "on again", "off again" kind of thing. I have AuDhd 24/7...making things second nature and routine comes from doing it all the time. The more I do something, the better I become over time. It's just the way it works. What comes to mind is that quote from Field of Dreams: "build it, and he will come...". You can make "he" anyone you like but the idea is...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD, a Breakup, and Trying to Win My Partner Back
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by: Swedish coast -
His attitude looks more or less unforgivable to me. So he isn’t aware of how he’s pumping his and your resources (financial, time, life quality) into his failing business. And when confronted, he denies it. And he shows no sign of changing course. I’ve spent the better part of three years grieving the bad choices of my ex (and also a former ex who showed up post divorce, behaved disappointingly and was gently distanced by me). It’s a bitter pill to swallow, also shameful. I feel stupid for...>>> on Forum topic - Deflection from Spouse
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by: Neuchatel81 -
Mediation went as well as could be expected yesterday; mediator told us we were very civil and polite. I tried to be “professional” as I knew getting emotionally upset would not help anything. Husband refused to acknowledge vast amount of funds used to support his business over past 6 years (“that is not possible”); even mediator said she had never heard of a law firm that could survive that type of debt over that period of time. Husband has a “high risk” practice, and is subsequently exposing...>>> on Forum topic - Deflection from Spouse
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by: 2Independent -
Good for you for getting on the right track! I think an important question, though, is are you doing all this/getting healthier for you or getting healthier only to win her back? Maybe both. My personal opinion is that you have to make change primarily for you--because you are committed to it for yourself. That way, even if she chooses not to take you back, you will be in a better place (generally), able to get more satisfaction out of life and eventually enter a relationship where you are "together...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD, a Breakup, and Trying to Win My Partner Back
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by: 2Independent -
What you post and what Neuchatel said in response got me, though. When you're "in it" ("in" ADD/ADHD) it suddenly makes sense to me that you (they) DON'T get it. Your/their world view is different. Our inner workings are very different. Meaning, sadly, we can't reach that place so many relationships do reach and are meant to reach: that place of being "there" with each other. I have wondered if we haven't been there because perhaps I held my DH out at arm's length after so much discord. But this...>>> on Forum topic - Ex husband with ADHD doesn’t understand what he’s done to me
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by: honestly -
1Melody1, thank you. That's pretty much what i'm concerned about- my son's future regrets. He does try to talk to his dad to improve things; they do get along better when there is some specific thing they're engaged in. I think there's just this aching hole of 'why can't he be better'; but then, when they're gone, however bad they were, they were your dad. Thank you. I'll try chatting to the lad about both these comments, for which I am very grateful. x>>> on Forum topic - the kids
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by: honestly -
Thank you, Swedish. That's really helpful and hopeful. Things should naturally evolve that way, too, once the kids are out of the family home. So there could be a natural improvement on that basis.>>> on Forum topic - the kids
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by: Neuchatel81 -
Last night, husband told me he wanted to talk to me (very rare occasion). He wanted to clarify what I wanted as far as him taking time off from work. He has worked 7 days a week / 24/7 for decades. I have been asking for 1 day off a week for some time, with promises from him to put it into place; this has not happened. Our last vacation was in 2005 since his clients have always taken priority — nothing normal about this! I got much angrier about him talking to me than I thought I would. I feel...>>> on Forum topic - Deflection from Spouse
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m so sorry about your situation. Don’t know your wife or the degree of pain she’s endured, so cannot guess about her willingness to return. But two decades is a long time to suffer from your children’s father’s untreated ADHD. I’ve done it, it’s been terrible, and even though I still am emotionally tied to my ex, there’s no way our marriage can be restored. Even though there is now a diagnosis and treatment.>>> on Forum topic - ADHD, a Breakup, and Trying to Win My Partner Back
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by: Swedish coast -
I think the mediator is the best chance to reach an arrangement that can protect you even if the relationship breaks down. For us, it’s been necessary to only meet with a couples counselor present. Legally or emotionally, it’s too hard to confront a fact avoidant person on one’s own. Keeping all fingers crossed for you today.>>> on Forum topic - Deflection from Spouse
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by: Swedish coast -
Neuchatel, this is both so familiar and equally incomprehensible. Blindness to how their own actions influence things, and also blindness to what they would need to do to improve things have been the hallmark of my ex too. Even objective facts aren’t solid in the quagmire of living with some ADHD minds. Neither are goals, or joint decisions. Everything is fleeting, unstable. Even the things they’ve confirmed a hundred times turn out to be untrue. Somebody on the forum put...>>> on Forum topic - Deflection from Spouse
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by: Neuchatel81 -
Swedish Coast - Your post was spot on with what I am experiencing with my husband. When we previously had made agreements on joint issues, he would insist he was “bullied” into the agreement or never made such an agreement (even when it was in writing)! It is now to the point that I no longer even try to get him to agree since I have no idea what his interpretation of the situation will be in future (he frequently tells me he does not recall we even spoke). Mediation is tomorrow (Monday) and I...>>> on Forum topic - Deflection from Spouse
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by: Neuchatel81 -
I tried to talk with husband yesterday before Family Mediation scheduled for Monday. When I stated his chronic inaction on important issues (adequate sleep, time off from work, etc.) are corrosive to our relationship, his only response was to criticize my behavior. I realize deflection is his go to response, but find it interesting how he can be so blind to how his unresponsiveness affects me and our relationship. I have told him multiple times since February 2026 (when we started therapy yet...>>> on Forum topic - Deflection from Spouse
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by: 1Melody1 -
I can really relate to this. As our daughter got older, her relationship with her ADHD dad worsened more and more. He just wasn't able to be the parent she needed him to be and the older she got, the more she could see it. When we separated, he visited on weekends. It was hit and miss whether visits were positive or did more harm. Like your son, she felt like he didn't care very much about her and most visits were unfulfilling and even hurtful. (I'm guessing based on your post that my daughter is...>>> on Forum topic - the kids
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by: Swedish coast -
Honestly, I truly can’t envision a best option here. So sorry your son doesn’t fare well with his father, and that being fatherless might be a vulnerability too. Can there perhaps be a change of scenery instead of a complete distance? If their father visiting on weekends doesn’t agree with your young ones, perhaps he could take them someplace instead? Especially if he has money and could pay for trips, hotels, entertainment? I’ve found sometimes dynamic can shift for the better...>>> on Forum topic - the kids
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by: Neuchatel81 -
I do comprehend what you are saying about caring and not doing the same for ourselves. Fortunately, I am the type of person who is so organized and detailed that once all is set up, it really is not too much to handle. Over the course of the past 9 years, husband and I have been intimately involved in care and oversight of our 4 elderly parents (Mom at 96 is only one remaining). Of course, this has taken a toll on both of us. I have owned dogs since I was very young, so I will gladly care for my...>>> on Forum topic - Business endeavor
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by: Neuchatel81 -
What you stated about husband not understanding what his ADHD has done to you and your relationship really resonated with me - I feel the same way in my marriage. It is almost as if we are living two distinct lives with no interconnection. I presume it is just the way his brain works and sees the world, but it is very distressing to think of being with someone for so long only to determine they really did not get you at all! Thinking of you.>>> on Forum topic - Ex husband with ADHD doesn’t understand what he’s done to me
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