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by: Off the roller ... -
It's so so tough. I'm there and some of the massive impulse buys have slowed but we still get packages every day. Like, literally everyday. My husband buys stuff from amazon that can be found at a nearby store that he can walk too.literally. it makes life soooo much harder than what it needs to be. You can try those suggestions you made, but you know deep down inside what is going to happen. He is showing you who he is. Sorry to be blunt about it I've learned a little bit on what I can accept...>>> on Forum topic - It's me: complaining again (ADD spouse's purchases)
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by: Off the roller ... -
I have found that Dr Rhamani's YouTube videos are soooo helpful. Even better is when she's a guest onna podcast bc that's the very core of her work - it's not about enabling the other person/behaviour, it's about accepting what IS and how you move about in the world with this being what it is. But with that, at the beginning of learning radical acceptance it is HARD to understand and wrap ur head around. I get it and have been there. But it really does help in time and it will also help you...>>> on Forum topic - Radical Acceptance
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by: Haveaniceday -
Swedish Coast, you're 100% correct and I'm learning to keep my boundaries very consistent and strong. It's a practice though, and one I have to keep my eye on! I think what my therapist meant (and I'm going to dive into this more in my next session) is, if he is giving his 100%, taking the meds, desperately trying to find a therapist (near impossible in our situation to be fair), using all the tools he has learnt, AND I'm keeping my boundaries in place and practicing all the self-care and tools...>>> on Forum topic - Radical Acceptance
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by: Haveaniceday -
@Honestly, thank you for supportive words! It's definitely a bit of a different perspective I'm having to take - but actually the twisting and distorting myself has decreased massively, mostly because I could not overfunction anymore. The anger has been expressed, so that's not the problem (although it was for a long time due to childhood programming), and I think I'm kind of in the middle of the grief. This phase seems more about accepting the reality, that his very best efforts (and he really...>>> on Forum topic - Radical Acceptance
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by: Haveaniceday -
Yes, I think this is what my therapist meant. Not to accept the dysfunction so as to enable it, but to put my mind in the right place so that I can continue without the acid of resentment eating away at me. If my spouse is doing as much as he possibly can at this point in time, then I have no choice left but to accept reality as it is and see if my own negative feelings are reduced. I'm actually a cat lover, but I also love dogs :)>>> on Forum topic - Radical Acceptance
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by: Swedish coast -
I absolutely agree with Honestly. The advice I recieved to accommodate my ex-husband’s dysfunction has prolonged my recovery after divorce. They shouldn’t ask you to transgress your boundaries. They shouldn’t pretend you aren’t physically, emotionally vulnerable to the chaos your partner creates for you. The stress of saving the day. The pain and embarrassment when your partner disappoints or neglects others.>>> on Forum topic - Radical Acceptance
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by: J -
of looking at this situation. Ultimately, I had to do this very thing and this kind of stripping things down to its essence helped me make a choice....accept my X....as is, or not. Having said that, going back to my cat and dog analogy, I made the choice to accept "what is" instead of what I wanted it to be. But that didn't fix what was wrong....it only put my mind in the right place, so I could continue without resentment and help remove any blaming or negative feelings, like I was...>>> on Forum topic - Radical Acceptance
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by: honestly -
You don’t have to learn it. You don’t have to twist yourself out of shape, distort your essential self to fit around your partner better. You can try to learn it, if you want to. It seems that this is unintentionally keying into boundary issues you’ve had since childhood. It seems like you twisted yourself out of shape for parents then. From what you’ve presented here, this feels like very bad stear from your therapist. Before you can make decisions like this, you need to know your...>>> on Forum topic - Radical Acceptance
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by: tedockside -
Roommates is usually a polite way to say not in a physical relationship.>>> on Forum topic - Giving Up
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by: tedockside -
I’d be pretty happy if the decision to leave the marriage came from him but honestly he would never be able to follow through on a divorce. I’d have to do it for him.>>> on Forum topic - Giving Up
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by: tedockside -
Just hearing that someone else has gone through this helps>>> on Forum topic - Giving Up
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by: tGftd -
Thanks for your perspective. Perhaps age is irrelevant. The "finish the sentence" type is what I'm guilty of. Your description is exactly what I feel...too slow and wanting to finish their idea. I also feel like I know just the word they're searching for or I have multiple thoughts/responses that I want to get out before I forget them. If I can reduce the frequency as you have, this will go a long way toward reducing my partner's trigger. She has already said that she'll be relieved if she...>>> on Forum topic - Impulsive
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by: gal0987 -
Thank you. We actually have 3 children but yes, it's been so difficult for so long. Recently it's gotten better as I was very close to ending it. I asked him to leave the house because as per usual our disagreement got so heated that I couldn't take anymore. He still to this day says that "I kicked him out the house" like he had nothing to do with it and was a victim. Since that day he went to some CBT sessions, realised his anger was an issue and has improved some but I feel the outbursts are still...>>> on Forum topic - Burnt Out
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by: gal0987 -
That's a great analogy. It does feel like this. It's felt unbalanced for a very long time.>>> on Forum topic - Burnt Out
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by: Haveaniceday -
Yes, this also hits the nail on the head. I guess this is where learning acceptance of what IS, is what I have to learn.>>> on Forum topic - Radical Acceptance
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by: Haveaniceday -
J, very well put. Yes, in a nutshell I guess this is a way to explain it. Although, the behaviours seemed very dog-like in the beginning! But this is great image for me to hold in my head, so thank you :)>>> on Forum topic - Radical Acceptance
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by: J -
A few things you said resonated as this has been one of my bigger symptoms to tackle. First, IMHO....your age has nothing to do with your ability to change this. The most difficult part is attempting to stop the old habit..while trying to form a new one.... at the same time. It depends on what type of interrupting you're doing...I think that's key. I'm the "finish the sentence" type of interrupter. I get really impatient when speaking to some people who appear "too slow" for my...>>> on Forum topic - Impulsive
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by: Eighpryl_AB -
I wonder the same thing. Except deep down inside I hope I don't have to live with him forever. There is no peace.>>> on Forum topic - Giving Up
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by: Eighpryl_AB -
Really. That's it. There is never any excuse for someone to take their frustrations with someone else, especially a former partner, out on you.>>> on Forum topic - Blaming it on me
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by: honestly -
In those circumstances, however much I accepted the cat, I’d still desperately yearn for a dog.>>> on Forum topic - Radical Acceptance
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