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by: Swedish coast -
Hello Off the Roller, you describe this so well. I’m sure you’re right, your capacity greatly exceeds his. It’s natural for anyone to expect what they themselves can offer. In my life, it’s currently family of origin, however resourceful in many ways, who can’t reciprocate socially or give emotional safety. It’s hurt immensely the last few years and I still sometimes go back to ask for things they don’t have. Then I feel like a horrible, demanding person. Every time I plead we do...>>> on Forum topic - Chaos & Capacity
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by: J -
Again, I can only give insight and things I've experienced myself or observed in my own family or in relationships I've had but, I am well aware of a number of things you mentioned especially when it comes to this: "When shes doing a task you dare not speak to her - its as if she can't even spend 20 secs to reply. Oh and try and get her to stop she gets nasty - almost like trying to take drugs off a drug addict." As I see this, this is just one part of the equation, there are a number of...>>> on Forum topic - Massive hyperfocusing - wife DX
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by: J -
Glad I helped you with that and I can honestly say, I make myself laugh as well...at myself of course!>>> on Forum topic - Things you have found helped you and you’re spouse with ADHD
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by: pfoel -
thanks - yeh we sort of do that now BUT she won't even trust anyone else to do anything. We've even had a house cleaner in the past but they don't do a good enough job.....<br> Oh I'm sure ADHD/Autistic people are brill in an emergency and, I imagine, as employees. They just won't stop. Its doesn't work so well when you're out, the kids are hungry, but "just got to finish this last bit of painting" Or its 11pm and "those floors really need to be cleaned">>> on Forum topic - Massive hyperfocusing - wife DX
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by: pfoel -
yes its very difficult when you can see the "damage" too I really dont know what I can do to be honest. Shes got WAY worse last few weeks... Maybe I need to work on me and accepting it a little..... Like I said though I do get dragged into the "think like me" as if its ADHD by proxy for me!>>> on Forum topic - Massive hyperfocusing - wife DX
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by: pfoel -
thanks - yeh we sort of do that now BUT she won't even trust anyone else to do anything. We've even had a house cleaner in the past but they don't do a good enough job..... Oh I'm sure ADHD/Autistic people are brill in an emergency and, I imagine, as employees. They just won't stop. Its doesn't work so well when you're out, the kids are hungry, but "just got to finish this last bit of painting" Or its 11pm and "those floors really need to be cleaned">>> on Forum topic - Massive hyperfocusing - wife DX
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by: honestly -
especially that bit where you don’t dare talk to her. With my ex, I got so I couldn’t even agree with him without being snapped at.>>> on Forum topic - Massive hyperfocusing - wife DX
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by: Off the roller ... -
hi J - I was curious about your linking being single and resigning yourself to loneliness. Not to be gendered-bias but I'm assuming you're a male (now that I think of it, you have said it in previous posts) because this is a very male-centric way of thinking and I'd like to challenge it (in the spirit of community here that we have!). Maybe being single and not in a committed, long term romantic relationship is the path forward for you and what will happen in your future. But that doesn't...>>> on Forum topic - Alternative Treatment
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by: Off the roller ... -
Just sharing that I too understand what you're going through. It can be quite difficult to be on the receiving end or observe our ADHD-partner's hyperfocus/hyperactivity/etc only to see them heading straight for the rails with no self awareness of going over the edge - knowing that what's coming is for you to pick up. If I figure out how to head this off, I'll put it here. Just wanted to acknowledge that this is hard and it sounds hard for you too. You aren't alone. Although I have found...>>> on Forum topic - Massive hyperfocusing - wife DX
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by: Off the roller ... -
Ah J, you have a way with words and storytelling that I've come to really appreciate on this forum. Your comparison to your new puppy had me laughing out loud literally as well as saying things in response to your comment... only for you to come to the same conclusion! :)>>> on Forum topic - Things you have found helped you and you’re spouse with ADHD
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by: Off the roller ... -
...what I've found is that there hasn't been anything really that I could do to help my spouse - except look after myself and work on my side of the street specifically and let him face the consequences of his actions, words and behaviour. I do echo Swedish in that for me, I found that doing 4-6 on their list also helped me. Especially finding where others had capacity for me and what I brought to the table. And also, it gave me some reprieve from the house we lived in together, the weather in...>>> on Forum topic - Things you have found helped you and you’re spouse with ADHD
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by: Swedish coast -
I hear you, Chervil. It’s troubling when the marriage pulls you off balance to such an extent. I worry too. The piano tuner turned up yesterday. This instrument has barely been played since he came last year. And when he asked about it and I admitted I hadn’t played much, he seemed disappointed in me. Don’t know why this really got to me, but cried after he left and couldn’t stop. I’m not my authentic self, not living my life, still in survival mode three years after divorce...>>> on Forum topic - Fear of taking on too much
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by: Swedish coast -
Hello, I don’t know more of your and your wife’s circumstances, but sometimes it helped us to divide chores between us. That meant both the responsibility to start and finish a certain task sat with one person. The other person then didn’t need to ’see’ the mess in question. It worked at least temporarily for us, me being the non-ADHD partner and the one paying attention to accumulated housework. When you describe your wife and her hyperfocus, it reminds me of an article that appreciated the...>>> on Forum topic - Massive hyperfocusing - wife DX
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by: J -
I'm now convinced, I was a Border Collie in a past life after owning now ( having the experience ) as well as observing how he behaves. At 4 months old, here's my conclusion of a Border Collie puppy: They get bored quickly ( short attention span ) and need some kind of stimulation once they get bored: specifically...they need a job or some kind of activity to focus their mind on. I share that "itch that needs to be scratched or I'll jump right out of my skin" feeling so I...>>> on Forum topic - Things you have found helped you and you’re spouse with ADHD
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by: 1Melody1 -
Kudos to your husband for putting things in motion to get help. Beyond that, I might suggest: -Scheduling a recurring date night where you can just focus on each other - weekly, bi-weekly or monthly - whatever you can swing given you have kids. You can alternate choosing what to do so he can look forward to it. -We had a "no tech at the table" rule in our house so dinner time was family time, no distractions. I think that could extend to other things - like if you watch an hour of tv...>>> on Forum topic - Things you have found helped you and you’re spouse with ADHD
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by: J -
Probably my biggest issue growing up. It's still something I have to watch ( it doesn't go away ) and be aware of. It sounds to me, this is one that has not been addressed or dealt with with your siblings from my point of view. I think, whether I want to admit it or not, I was more concerned with getting into trouble ( the punishment ) of screwing up. Learning from mistakes ( or making mistakes ) was less about me being effected by failure as I had success at the end of learning that way. I was...>>> on Forum topic - Alternative Treatment
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by: Swedish coast -
You asked why my sibling didn’t conform to societal expectations. I think they were under the same parental pressure that I was (excel academically, make us proud, make money and keep our lifestyle, have children!) but it never made sense to them. They weren’t interested enough to get the skills, and they didn’t like the pretense. They’re also unable to sit at a dinner table for an entire meal, or listen to more than a couple syllables of the answer of a question. They change...>>> on Forum topic - Alternative Treatment
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by: J -
In the last comunication I had with middle sister who hadn't returned my message from 12 days earlier.... I realize this is a commonly used expression, and there's usually nothing to it. But when you've heard you're mother say this possibly hundreds of times, it becomes something different when you hear it coming from ypur sister long after your mother has passed: "I can't believe you're on this adventure." For nothing else, it might be a freudian slip or she just picked it up from...>>> on Forum topic - Alternative Treatment
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by: J -
I have so much to say here, I'm trying to condence so as, not to write an entire book. Just from what I've heard you say about you're siblings including what you just mentioned: "who has never been able to conform to general societal expectations has made some choices like yours. In their case: to not get married or have a family. To not accept supervision or a traditional line of work. To not be weighed down by possessions." I think this a good place to take a closer look. I'm going to...>>> on Forum topic - Alternative Treatment
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by: Chervil -
Hi honestly. Yes, some of my in-laws are similar. Part of it is cultural. My wife is an immigrant who came here at a young age, and I have learned through being with her and how she explains things that they keep things close to their chests. The idea being not to burden others with your personal baggage. They are a very loving and supportive family otherwise, and I like them all very much. My sisters-in-law can be quite comforting and empathetic. I believe that my MIL and BIL both had ADHD as well. I...>>> on Forum topic - Feeling hopeless after moving cross country for her
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