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by: J -
Having experienced something that sounds similar to yours on the recieving end, I hear you repeatedly asking for advise which I hesitate to give, only because I don't have enough details about you and your wifes specific situation. Having AuDhd myself, I absolutely know what it's like, going through life not understanding exactky what I did wrong or why poeple would be angry with me? With the best intentions, I managed to also be somewhat ( if not completely ) oblivious to the "thing" I did...>>> on Forum topic - Looking for advise and help
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by: 1Melody1 -
"if I can ask, what made you end your marriage" For me, I think it was exactly what you described there... not being heard and not feeling like I mattered. I asked for support around the house and with parenting and nothing changed. I asked if we could have some intimacy and nothing changed. I asked him to get some treatment for the ADHD and nothing changed. I truly loved him, but I so badly needed some action on his part. I needed to see things tangibly improve. It sounds like you have...>>> on Forum topic - Looking for advise and help
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by: StuckInCT3 -
Thanks for the reply! Definetly helpful. There's about another million webpages I could fill with all the details of how my ADHD has impacted my wife, myself and our marriage. I understand now that I need to do this for me and not for her. I've tried and the cycle keeps going. I think in general I do lots around the house. Dishes, laundry, cleaning up after our cats etc. I think for us it's the fights, not hearing her, not remembering, not honouring her opinions, validating her etc etc. And that...>>> on Forum topic - Looking for advise and help
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by: 1Melody1 -
It's hard to say exactly where your wife is at. She could be done and nothing you can do will change that. Or she could not. It's hard to end a marriage and it may be the last thing she really wants. I know it was for me. In her position what I really needed to see from my husband was action. I needed him to take meds and do therapy and start showing that he was trying to address things rather than expecting me to stay in the exact same experience. It does seem like you're doing the meds and...>>> on Forum topic - Looking for advise and help
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by: Swedish coast -
Sorry you’re experiencing this. I’m not sure I have advice, but a thought about shutting down because of shame. I saw that a lot in my undiagnosed severe inattentive ADHD ex husband. As years went by, managing things in general was getting harder for him. I tried to solve conflicts or misunderstandings, and asked him to explain his increasingly incomprehensible behavior. He would avoid those conversations. He’d be silent, could close himself in indefinitely. If he needed space or whatever,...>>> on Forum topic - Looking for advise and help
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by: StuckInCT3 -
Both would be great. I now realize i've left out details but I have all the characteristics I read here. I would get angry and defensive for no reason really. I would shut down and self isolate because of shame. I'm starting, for the first time I think, to really realize the impact this has had on my wife.>>> on Forum topic - Looking for advise and help
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by: StuckInCT3 -
Both would be great. I now realize i've left out details but I have all the characteristics I read here. I would get angry and defensive for no reason really. I would shut down and self isolate because of shame. I'm starting, for the first time I think, to really realize the impact this has had on my wife.>>> on Forum topic - Looking for advise and help
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by: ChipsnBeans -
thank you everyone for taking the time to read my messages. it means a lot>>> on Forum topic - So resentful
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by: KatrinaVantassel -
This is the first time I have posted. I can feel the misery from behind your words, but you have to make decisions for you. It’s not even about blame, it’s just that he’s not taking responsibility, even for not drinking. He stops and blames you. I know he’s not all bad or you wouldn’t have married him. At the same time, his inability to take responsibility for his decisions, good or bad, keeps him stuck and keeps your relationship stuck. Somehow, you have to find your own path to happiness, whether...>>> on Forum topic - So resentful
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by: c ur self -
People who live toxic lives and in denial of it (excuses) will always choose blame...So go easy on yourself...The best thing you can do for him is what you are doing...Withdrawing from allowing yourself to be his easy target for blame...If he is ever going to own his behaviors and recognize his need for change, it will be when he feels alone and and has no one to blame... Prayers! c>>> on Forum topic - So resentful
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by: c ur self -
There's an old saying...Doing the same thing and expecting different results...Once I stopped making plans that seemed perfectly acceptable for 19 of the 20 of us...And realized I was married to the 1 of 20, only then did I find out what I must do to save myself...(sanity) Acceptance of a mind I could never understand, and would never emulate...One that I HAD to do things like, never trust anything she said, because she had proved for years she would never put legs on it a high percentage of the...>>> on Forum topic - Feel like I'm losing my life to my partner's ADHD. Things feel dark.
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by: c ur self -
I worked like a dog for 7 months after she finally moved (3 months turned into 11) to put my house in order (throw away, clean, paint, remodel)...And now I seem to find myself content w/ little...I am basically a minimalist.. I want agree to much of anything that in any way seems to be uncertain or chaotic...I want take jobs for pay any longer...I will help others free of charge out of love, but, I will not obligate myself any longer...I'm sure I'm scarred in ways I do not even understand...>>> on Forum topic - Fear of taking on too much
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by: c ur self -
You're situation is so heartbreaking as was these ladies who gave you so much great feedback...(and many who have posted here over the years) It's the story of my efforts for 17 years also... When we marry spouses who live in a mind that is a million miles away from being able to see, hear, recognize, or communicate concerning responsible living, and the impact of their excused irresponsible behaviors on others, we eventually reach the place that causes us to take action...I asked her to...>>> on Forum topic - My marriage is falling apart.
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by: StuckInCT3 -
Help or advise>>> on Forum topic - Looking for advise and help
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by: aspect_broadly -
I have been quietly sitting with the responses and want to say a huge thank you for the care you all have put into reading and sharing openly from your own stories. It means a lot and I'm feeling really grateful for this forum. A few updates -- mostly very encouraging! Our daughter was seen by a psychologist a few months ago and this past week we had a debrief. She has Level 1 autism! This is actually incredible news because it makes sense of so many things and gives us a lot of tools...>>> on Forum topic - Feel like I'm losing my life to my partner's ADHD. Things feel dark.
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by: Swedish coast -
J, I have different people around me affected in various ways with ADHD. In respect to Aspect broadly I think it’s fair to acknowledge there is a big difference between being lightly and severely affected. About your sisters I can’t guess, but the picture painted in the starter of this thread I recognize as similar to the severe inattentive ADHD I’ve encountered. And in contrast to the merely sometimes annoying habits of other family members, the impact of this is immense. Also, I...>>> on Forum topic - Feel like I'm losing my life to my partner's ADHD. Things feel dark.
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by: 1Melody1 -
It's potentially not much comfort now, but your son will see the truth one day and he may even already.>>> on Forum topic - So resentful
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by: J -
but probably not exactly how you might see it at the moment. Let me explain. You're depression is a real issue, it flavors everything you feel and say as I recognize your language at times in myself. The hopelessness comes from depression as well, and feeling trapped is directly connected. All of this can be changed and going a individual therapist is good advise. That part is for you, not necrssarily an answer to your marriage issues. This was probably the best thing I've done for myself which is...>>> on Forum topic - Feel like I'm losing my life to my partner's ADHD. Things feel dark.
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by: ChipsnBeans -
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I feel guilty as I have distanced myself from him over past year and have ran out of encouragement and now he's stopped drinking for 2 weeks Ive not said much about that either. I am not hopeful it will last. Glad hes making an effort - but it feels like a poison arrow as hes now saying to my older son - he's 'not allowed' a drink and its not worth the hassle if he has one. I feel angry sad and with nowhere to go.>>> on Forum topic - So resentful
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by: 1Melody1 -
No amount of effort, love, patience, support, etc. from you can fix any of this for him. It has to come from him. His moods, drinking and mental health are not your fault or responsibility. I hope you can find your way out of this. Speaking from personal experience, being single can be blissfully peaceful. When you look back on it years from now, you'll wonder why you didn't leave years earlier. Would he have supported and poured himself into you the way you have him? I hope you can go recoup your...>>> on Forum topic - So resentful
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