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by: 1Melody1 -
Your outrage makes me feel so validated. Thank you so much for that. I feel so resentful about it but then guilty for feeling that way because I love them and they are actually good people. I rarely speak up for myself, but I did tell my mom that comment about antidepressants really hurt me and that I was grieving like a normal person. But since then I keep my pain to myself and I don't mention it. Only the positives about our lives. In her mind we're probably thriving. They do often ask how my ex-...>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m horrified about your parents and their attitude towards your ex husband’s passing. My parent too suggested I go on antidepressants - not for the cPTSD divorce left me with, but when I expressed they’d hurt me. Why are they so emotionally unintelligent? Why do they never speak of losses like the one you and your daughter experienced? Do they think it makes bad things go away? Don’t they realize they’re invalidate your loss, making everything feel ten times worse, and your...>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: Swedish coast -
It’s so validating to see others have the same issues. I believe you’re spot on: this truly is emotional immaturity. They’ve never realized their perceptions of the world is not by default superior to yours. They don’t understand that when you describe something from your life that is foreign to them, their opinion about it can hardly be more correct than yours. Even with places they’ve never been to or people they’ve never met, they’re convinced they know better than you, who experienced it...>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: 1Melody1 -
I hear you! I have surely learned that the people around me don't want to do a lot differently so when I want or need things to change, I usually have to make the changes on my end, however more uncomfortable or difficult that may be. Like you sitting outside. With my parents, that may mean choosing conversation topics carefully and leaving important things out about my life or feelings. It hurts because, like you, I can't have a full or at least fully authentic relationship with them because of this...>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: J -
With all my thinking about "gages" and machines, and in keeping with this idea that gages help you monitor your performance, I remembered something that made me laugh ( about myself ) but it also serves to highlight what I was attempting to convey in my car analogy. My favorite motorcycle, which I owned for years, had a history of the speedometer going bad. As mine was used when I bought it, shortly after, the speedometer stopped working. And because the speedometer and tachometer ( rpms ) were...>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: J -
From the male perspective, my X ( ADHD female ) was a Muse. In classic Greek mythology and literature, the Muse archetype, serves as an Artist inspiration and sometimes is an artist herself. She most definitely inspired me to be a better person in a number of ways. I cannot dismiss the fact that, that I was forced to find the best parts of myself and bring them forward in the face of this challenge. Having said that, she was NOT marriage material even tho I asked her to be my wife....>>> on Forum topic - How to get my adhd partner to understand me
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by: Swedish coast -
This is, in a way, simple. You only want the relationship if he wants to marry you. Either he marries you, or he needs to stop wasting your time. I’ve seen people (men) waste others’ fertile years, stringing them along but not committing. ADHD or not, this is selfish. Often women provide a lot of value to men, so there is a real risk of being exploited. Since he doesn’t listen and behaves defensively, I’d say you need to be even more clear about your boundary. How about creating...>>> on Forum topic - How to get my adhd partner to understand me
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by: honestly -
Imagine that every difficult conversation you ever have with your husband goes like this. Imagine then that soon every conversation you have with him starts going like this too. what has happened in terms of the marriage situation is that you’ve slipped from being his hyperfocus. His source of dopamine. It won’t come back. And the fact he decided against marriage without telling you will apply to other things too. Impulse buys. Career decisions. He’ll maybe even think you had the conversation,...>>> on Forum topic - How to get my adhd partner to understand me
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by: 1Melody1 -
I feel like there's a lot to the way we were raised that leads to us finding ourselves in these positions as servant partners. My parents were essentially very "good" parents, however, my opinions and emotions were very much not welcome. They could not be wrong or questioned. They could not apologize. I learned to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself and keep the peace. They cared more about what others thought about me as a reflection on them vs. my feelings and experience. I learned to...>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: J -
Sorry, pesky logistics, needed to do something. So what happened when the Adderall started to become a problem at the exact same dose I'd been on. I started noticing that edgy, I started noticing that "speedy" energy pill feeling ( 60mg feeling ) at 40mg. I also noticed my anxiety levels rising, brain fog, etc...and the opposite of getting more calm and more functional. And I went mmmm.....this isn't good. So I stopped cold turkey and didn't any refills and went back to baseline without...>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: J -
in an unexpected way that's specific to me, yet relevant to everything "me related ". This may not sound like it's relevant to this discussion about parents and older people but, it actually is. For lack of a better term, I'm calling it the "Crumugen Effect" which I think is quite accurate. And saying, I don't suffer from this effect and I think I know why? Pretty sure I do, and here's what clued me in. I'm the "why" person, so I always want to know why? For myself that is. This has been...>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: Swedish coast -
Thank you. I don’t think you’re much older than me. But it’s comforting to take part of your wisdom. Yes, I can sense it too, very late in life I’m trying to remove expectations my parents put on me, and intend to parent myself going forward. The confusing thing is our family used to see relatives all the time, I come from a tightly knit community of relatives living close to each other. Fifteen cousins. Close relationships with grandparents. No conflicts either for 25...>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: honestly -
I was going through the realisation of their narcissism before Covid hit. The lockdowns in my country gave me quiet time to process it and grow into acceptance. I am a good bit older than you, a later stage of life. A younger me still wanted what others are unable to give. I feel happier now, no longer angry. You get two adulthoods. Or the chance for them. The first, you’re the adult your parents made out of you. The second, if you’re privileged enough to get there, you get to be the...>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: honestly -
My parents have frozen out a lot of family members if they get any way ‘difficult’ - eg a previously favoured niece was in real crisis but this became how she had behaved ‘unforgivably’ to them, and has recently been frozen out. I wont list them all here but my family shrank over my childhood to a small core unit of me, my brother and our parents, and then our kids when they came along. Our partners were never really accepted because they were judged and disliked. Tbf, that was a decent call… but my...>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: teenie1970 -
Asperger's?>>> on Forum topic - Burnt Out
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by: J -
That was X's go to saying for everything which I've had to understand better. I'm not going to say she was intentionally, with forethought, telling me to "let it go" on principle or a philosophy to live by, or even how I just said it because of my tendency to always need to know why ( to unresovable "things" ) ..but in context here, to other things she'd repeatedly say things like, "your over thinking" ( ruminating ) or "stop living in the past" or any number of "incorrect" things that I was doing. I...>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: teenie1970 -
J - Do you ever take a breath? I'm exhausted reading your post after 5 minutes.>>> on Forum topic - I feel like just giving up
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by: Swedish coast -
It’s true, one has to try and accept it. Do you still see your family for holidays? Are there family gatherings? Do you ever see extended family like cousins, aunts? I know this can vary so much between families, but most of my friends see their relatives often despite having issues with them. Our family seems to fit the low effort description. There is minimal emotional interest and minimal get-togethers.>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: Swedish coast -
It’s not anybody’s fault. I just feel it’s mine. But then I’ve been the one to keep family together for many years. When I stop, it feels like neglect. All my attempts at repair, and understanding, and connection, have failed. Another relative has advised me to let them go. I don’t know how to, or to continue in any fashion. Am just so exhausted, confused and sad. Thank you dear thinkers for your help.>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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by: J -
I can't not see all the elements of what I just went thru as well as the same patterns on my own family. I've had to go thru this, so I understand how it feels. I'm not sure why you're feeling ashamed exactly? I can tell you only how I resolved these unreasonable issues for myself. I try and break it down as you layed it out. "Like your parents, mine have always been incredibly generous, loving and kind. As long as they don’t involuntarily hurt me, and I question it, which is when things go...>>> on Forum topic - Was taught to give unconditionally
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