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by: Neuchatel81 -
I do comprehend what you are saying about caring and not doing the same for ourselves. Fortunately, I am the type of person who is so organized and detailed that once all is set up, it really is not too much to handle. Over the course of the past 9 years, husband and I have been intimately involved in care and oversight of our 4 elderly parents (Mom at 96 is only one remaining). Of course, this has taken a toll on both of us. I have owned dogs since I was very young, so I will gladly care for my...>>> on Forum topic - Business endeavor
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by: Neuchatel81 -
What you stated about husband not understanding what his ADHD has done to you and your relationship really resonated with me - I feel the same way in my marriage. It is almost as if we are living two distinct lives with no interconnection. I presume it is just the way his brain works and sees the world, but it is very distressing to think of being with someone for so long only to determine they really did not get you at all! Thinking of you.>>> on Forum topic - Ex husband with ADHD doesn’t understand what he’s done to me
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by: Swedish coast -
I too had problems deciding to quit my former caring responsibilities. It seemed irresponsible, even dangerous. Once I let go, it suddenly wasn’t. It was self-preservation. Once on my own, I experienced the accumulated exhaustion of years of overachieving for the benefit of others. Then, it became clear just how damaged my health was. Later, my trauma psychologist said to go forward in life avoiding these arrangements, where everyone relies on my care, like the plague. Date, she said, but...>>> on Forum topic - Business endeavor
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by: Neuchatel81 -
Swedish Coast - I truly appreciate your comments and kindness. I realize I am the type of person that tends to second guess certain decisions and this is definitely the same situation. While I have not always brought my best self to the relationship, since February I have been making a significant effort to do so. The last couples session with our therapist was horrible as husband did nothing more than complain about all I do (critical every minute of every day), and made no effort to discuss his...>>> on Forum topic - Business endeavor
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by: Swedish coast -
Neuchatel, every piece of information you’ve given tells me you have done absolutely everything in this marriage, including holding it together. It’s an overworked partners belief they’ve let something slip, haven’t done enough. I recognize the feeling wholeheartedly, but the feeling has nothing to do with reality. ADHD passivity is pathological. Your husband is perhaps not aware of it, but he’s using you in the most immoral way. There’s no excuse for burning out a person who has provided love...>>> on Forum topic - Business endeavor
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by: Neuchatel81 -
Family Mediation still scheduled for September 14. Tried to speak to husband today but as usual he is not ready to discuss anything, and claims that since we usually end up in an argument (his opinion), it is better to just do mediation. I resent all discussions being labeled as an argument just because I do not agree with his views. I have made my best effort over the past month to not check in with him on anything nor ask him to complete anything complicated or time sensitive. He continues to...>>> on Forum topic - Business endeavor
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by: paulabeeee -
That sounds like some good advice. It’s not always so much better going solo.>>> on Forum topic - I think I waited too long.
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by: J -
I'm coming to the end of my stay here at the hot springs and I'm feeling a mixture of emotions: peace, happiness, joy, a sense of accomplishment and saddness that it's time to leave. It's that same sad feeling when summer ends and you had to return to school as a kid but you also feel excited about the unknown school year and what it will bring. I also wanted to tie this in with family ( one sister in particular ) going all the way back to the:" don't you want to be around people? Don't you want...>>> on Forum topic - "Mankeeping"
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by: J -
I'm writing this with a heavy heart, but this has been a very long time coming. As I was just sitting in the hot springs at 2am with the full moon illuninating the darkness to the point of almost day light, I was saddened by everything I can now see in my own family of origin, and it made me feel ashamed. Not of myself but of them. Before I continue, I must remind those here that I firmly believe I'm not the only one in my family with ADHD( autism ) and perhaps, other nental healrh issues that...>>> on Forum topic - "Mankeeping"
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by: J -
Sonething happened today, that seems like it was meant to be. The cowboys returned to collect the stray cattle missed on their first sweep. With them, were five Border Collie herding dogs who made quck work of these stubborn cows. A group of us ( the 3 generations of Antelope hunters ) and myself were at the hot springs when they came over to chat. One of the Border Collies came up to me to say hello and I gave her a little affection. The head cowboy said, he had two of her pups ( the one I was...>>> on Forum topic - "Mankeeping"
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by: J -
So this morning ...another State Trooper / Game Warden drove into camp. He caught me with a bucket of gravel in my hand, pouring more into my dam. This guy had been herr before and was surprised to find me still here. I told him about my tire situation and why I was still around. He responded saying " oh I know...I just put $1,800 of new tires on my truck ( pointing to his vehicle ). He said:" you've been here over a month now haven't you?" I said "two". But explained that when I get paid on the...>>> on Forum topic - "Mankeeping"
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by: J -
Yesterday, I drove to the nearest gas station/country store/cafe to get drinking water and a few supplies ( and one there famous milkshakes and chili burger smothered with cheese and chopped onions ( chili size )..their known for their cheeseburgers ). While I was waiting for my food, the cop who I spoke to walked in. He's also the game warden so he's in the area checking hunters for proper tags. We had a nice chat and I mentioned my dam building project. He told me he was already planning to come out...>>> on Forum topic - "Mankeeping"
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by: J -
"Ferrara and Vergara's original theory says the burden occurs when women's emotional support is not equally reciprocated within the relationship. Their examples center on emotional support and social-network maintenance—not the total exchange of everything two people contribute to a partnership." "The authors specifically require an asymmetry." Of course, I had to look it up ( at the source ) not from a periodical written to sell viewership. Right of the bat, I believe dustortions ( and...>>> on Forum topic - "Mankeeping"
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by: Swedish coast -
Good point Honestly. The failure to maintain social connections is the logical outcome of a marriage where one partner has extremely low executive function. And perhaps also spends all free time in hiding. But then some of us nons are highly social and used to social abundance, even afraid to be alone. So before we surrender and let go of our entire support network and sources of joy, we try desperately to compensate for our passive partner. This has been a nightmare for me. Feeling...>>> on Forum topic - "Mankeeping"
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by: honestly -
this work is something we do because we believe these things are important - the rituals and routines and relationships that we think ought to be honoured and maintained. And it seems from J’s POV at least, they shouldn’t be. I know this is subjective and isn’t universal- my ex would get angry if I didn’t help him with this stuff and he then seemed to have effed up. And he expected endless psychological support and stress-and-anger-dumping on me. So by some men at least this stuff is expected, even...>>> on Forum topic - "Mankeeping"
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by: lupath26 -
The part that hit me in your post was the word unpaid. Not unpaid in money, unpaid in acknowledgment. In my own marriage the tasks were never the heavy part. Remembering his mother's birthday, noticing the low mood before he noticed it himself, keeping our friendship calendar alive, that is a whole second job that only exists if someone sees it, and usually nobody sees it. The term is useful for one thing I think. It moves the question from am I doing enough to why is this only my job....>>> on Forum topic - "Mankeeping"
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by: J -
I'm seeing the pattern, and it's now becoming familar. Is it wierd? Yes. It it confusing ? Most definitely. Does it feel hot then cold? Is he pulling you back in, just to push you away? Everytime you get closer and more intimate, does he get critical, belittling, and hurtful? Say you're too "needy" ? Everytime you give "more space" and step away, does he become more engaging and seems warmer? Seems like it? I had a kind of epiphany recently...when reflecting on all the...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD Fiancé broke off our Engagement by text whilst over Medicated on Elvanse
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by: lupath26 -
Nearly twenty years of knowing him, then watching the change land right after a dose increase. No wonder you feel caught between two versions of the same person. There is a lot of loud input here pushing you toward a verdict. You do not need one this week. Go to the coffee if you want to, with no mission except to see how he treats you now. Then let the following weeks speak, because steadiness over time will tell you far more than one conversation can. Caring about him and protecting yourself are...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD Fiancé broke off our Engagement by text whilst over Medicated on Elvanse
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by: lupath26 -
Moving is a big step, sounds like the finance review is the doable first step. Wishing you both steadier days.>>> on Forum topic - I'm scared & so very tired
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by: 2Independent -
We had been talking about moving to be closer to family (which would certainly help) as well as to be nearer to amenities (including hospitals). There is no way we can do that anytime soon--nor would I want to. That would be the perfect "reason" to review ALL of our finances in detail. Thank you.>>> on Forum topic - I'm scared & so very tired
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