MelissaOrlov's blog

Our research about how ADHD affects marriage also illuminates the specific ways in which non-ADD spouses are frustrated in their relationships.  The responders in this section are, once again, non-ADD spouses who have officially diagnosed ADD partners.  The themes these people write about are incredibly common.  If you are an ADD spouse and you hear your non-ADD spouse comment on these traits you should assume that they are being truthful – these REALLY ARE problems in your relationship – not a figment of your spouse’s imagination.  The question asked here?  What do you find most frustratin

Over the last couple of years 416 people in marriages affected by ADHD have answered our survey about their experiences and feelings.  One of the questions we asked was “What gives you the greatest pleasure in your relationship?”  I share these responses because too often worn-out posters suggest that there are no positives to be found in ADHD-affected relationships.  Next week, I’ll share pleasures from the perspective of the ADD spouses married to non-ADD spouses.

There is a very interesting conversation going on around my “Learning to Like Yourself Again” post of 7/30/09.  A number of readers relate their stories about the relief they have felt as they have started to “become themselves” again and let go of some of their struggle.  The question for some, though, is “how do I rekindle the warmth/affection in my own heart for my spouse?”

While my husband reads most of the posts on this site as the administrator, he rarely weighs in.  But yesterday he posted some heartfelt – and very wise - advice to a man with ADD whose wife is leaving him because she can’t take it anymore.  George’s perspective as a previously badly behaving man with ADD who has successfully changed his life is worth sharing.  Here’s what he says:

Ari Tuckman, author of the recently released "More Attention, Less Deficit:  Success Strategies for Adults with ADHD" has generously written a blog post for this site about some of his take on ADHD and marriage.  I include the post below:

I know what it’s like to be a non-ADD spouse and discover that you no longer like yourself.  Many here have the same problem – they have struggled so long, and are so exhausted, that they can no longer find the core of who they are. I would like to share with you my own story of how I moved from disliking myself back to “being me” as well as provide some ideas for change that may help you.

I’ve written here before about how you might approach thinking about whether or not you should marry a person you know has ADHD (see this post), but there is a conversation going on in the forums now that makes we want to write further on the topic.

If you want to hear what Dr Phil and Dr Hallowell have to say about ADHD and marriage, as well as find out about some couples who are struggling with it, you can go to this page at the Dr. Phil website which recaps the July 9th show on saving marriages hurt by ADHD symptoms.

Welcome to the viewers from the Dr Phil Show, as well as other newcomers to this site.  There is a lot here, so we suggest you start with the blog posts.  Some of the "favorites" are under "Melissa's Favorite Posts" in the top right corner, or you can explore by area of concern in the "categories" area.  The site also has a forum where people with concerns share them.  Many find it reassuring that others share their issues but please understand that the forum is biased by the fact that those who have found this (unadvertised) site often seek it out because their marriage is in deep trouble.

Ned Hallowell likes to say that ADD is a “gift that’s hard to unwrap”.  Frankly, I’m not sure how I feel about the “gift” idea – instead I tend to think of ADD as something that can be “sweet and sour”.  When a person with ADD is in what I think of as “good alignment” (or perhaps their “sweet spot”) life can be very sweet.  But when it’s sour everything can be awful!