When is it nagging and when is it reminding? For non-ADHD partners, it can be hard to figure out whether - or how - to remind a partner of something that needs to get done. Here are some ideas about where to draw the line.
Don't Call Me a Nag!
Non-ADHD partners sometimes get peeved at me when I label their repetitive reminding of a partner as nagging. "What else am I supposed to do? If I don't keep after my partner, nothing much will happen," is the common feeling. My posture is that if they DO keep after their partner something will happen. Their partner will not only never learn independence and organizational skills, but will also come to resent them. So it's an important question, this one about differentiating nagging from reminding.
Nagging vs. Reminding
In short, nagging is when you take on someone else's responsibility - continuously or repeatedly reminding about an upcoming deadline or chore, for example. That sort of 'keeping at it' is a form of actually taking over the responsibility for the partner meeting that deadline. If you can switch places and insert the words "I don't have to remember or plan out how I will do X because my wife/husband will remind me" that's not 'reminding,' that's nagging. Nagging also usually breeds resentment. The person doing the nagging doesn't want to be repeating this stuff but feels he/she must. The person being nagged usually resents the implied insult of the constant 'reminders.'
Real reminding is more benign than that. You are NOT taking on the responsibility for the deadline being met, but have noticed that a partner who has a system in place for getting that thing done has happened to forget something. Reminders are intermittent, with no specific repetitive pattern. They are typically given in good humor or with a smile. The non-ADHD partner doesn't really mind giving the reminder, and feels far fewer negative feelings. The ADHD partner views a reminder as supportive.
Thanks, I Needed That!
Which brings up one last point. Upon later reflection, if either of you resents the 'reminder' behavior then it's time to question whether it's crossed over the line to nagging. I say "upon later reflection' because sometimes you can have a knee-jerk response to a reminder that has more to do with your own embarrassment that you forgot than with the reminder itself. If, on reflection, you think it was good your partner reminded you, then you're probably okay. Generally speaking, if the person being reminded can say "thanks for reminding me!" then you're okay.
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Comments
nagging?
This is very good! I have to work very hard to differentiate between nagging, reminding, and criticizing, and to remember that many of those comments turn out to be helpful if I dont react against them, and also that my past track record has justified many of them.
thanks
doug
Nagging..are U kidding me?
I am the one with ADHD(wife) and I am the one that feels like I am the one doing all the nagging..I have chores I would like help with or get accomplished and they end up at the bottom of my husbands to do list. Keeping the house immaculate is never going ot happen. He complains about the pet hair..he knows where the vacuum is why tell me?
I think from now on when I ask for help I am going to ask for an appointment or set a date that this will be accomplished. These are big things that I cna not do myself.
Reminding Turns Into Nagging When Reminding is Groundhog Day
Reminding Turns Into Nagging When Reminding is Groundhog Day. It's that simple. Non ADHD's end up nagging because we are stuck in a parent trap even when we want to be anything but. This is a lifestyle that will never end until we can extract ourselves. My business partner cannot retain "change" unless there are harsh financial or legal consequences. Then he learns.
Today he flushed his left over popcorn down the toilet at the office. His dog, who routinely drinks the toilet water (because my ADHD business partner forgets to fill her water), she drank the water and the hard kernels in the toilet water which resulted in a trip to the veterinarian. $700 later, she was cleared. You can't make this stuff up!
I ask him if he thinks flushing popcorn down toilet is bad for plumbing. He has rejection sensitivity dysphoria. So his reply is to become defensive with F Bombs.
He only learns when there are harsh consequences. I've stopped enabling him to help on his stuff and I just watch it all unfold, like a spectator. He screams frequently. He instigates, baits and then blames for a fight.
As for our business, we lock heads here and there, since my wagon is hitched to his, I need to step in to avoid disaster. Over the years, I've carefully shifted much of the responsibility of the daily to day management of our business out of his hands, including bookkeeping, since his old excel spread sheet had many fractured cells. The bookkeeper refused his tax numbers. He shorted my capital account by thousands. He tried to fire her. I've had to perform from 75%, to now 100% of the management, because my partner is not capable in working with people or multi-tasking the physical and contractual details of our everyday business. Contractors fire him. Agents will not work with him. He's dismissive of others expertise. There's an overall lack of foresight and thinking out-planning ahead for consequences of actions. Much more impulsive. BTW: I cannot get out of business with him due to financial constraints on each side. I could, however I'd be close to out of a large portion for which I have worked. So door number one is ongoing hyper vigilance to avoid catastrophes with ADHD. Door number 2 is sell the business and end up on streets. Tough choice.
I'm no angel around him. I keep Stark, STARK boundaries and lots of distance to keep myself from mirroring and becoming his persona, which is ADHD with co morbid narcissism and rejection sensitive dysphoria. I used to be healthy. Hence, 26 pound weight loss in ten months three years ago. I've never been the same. PTSD.
ADHDWE ... a person in a hopeless situation
I do understand the
I do understand the difference however I don't see any result difference no matter what I do. If I resent reminding it is nagging. If he resents my reminding its nagging. Any reminder at all at this stage is considered nagging because we both resent the situation so much.
I also resent the fact that if I do try to address the lack of support I receive and his non-participation in the daily maintenance of our home, that he will aggressively attack me with personal insults.
I further resent the fact that if I keep it all to myself and do all of the work myself, I am carrying around corrosive feelings of resentment. After 14 years of no change, I don't see any options to build a functional partnership and I am heart broken. I love my boyfriend and I don't want to be alone but I am feeling so lonely in this relationship I am not sure what else to do. I have suggested counseling, bought and read many books on the subject (and offered them to him!), suggested he get help for his low self-esteem, but nothing I say or do will entice him to participate in dealing with the problem - rather he bullies me so much so that I have given up trying to bring up any problems we have. I am so sad.
Nagging/ irresponsible.
I am in a Adhd Marriage . I am the non adhd spouse. I truly believe my wife has, clutter, forgetting to buy groceries , boxes of paper shredding she says needs to be done.! It stays for weeks. I tell her bring one box out at a time. We been married 4 yrs and I still remind her that she the sprinklers on.She is 55. She has never been married.I've known her for 40 yrs. i now know why she has never been married.! I
Steve
I'm sorry is she treated
I'm sorry is she treated