Over the last couple of years 416 people in marriages affected by ADHD have answered our survey about their experiences and feelings. One of the questions we asked was “What gives you the greatest pleasure in your relationship?” We can sort this information a number of ways, but here is an overview of how our 70 respondents without ADD who are married to people with officially diagnosed ADD answered that question. I share these responses because too often worn-out posters suggest that there are no positives to be found in ADHD-affected relationships. Next week, I’ll share pleasures from the perspective of the ADD spouses married to non-ADD spouses.
The most common answers focused on spontaneity, laughter, fun and friendship. Some examples:
- Our playfulness. My ADHD husband has an incredible laugh that is absolutely infectious and he really knows how to play with real fun with me and with his adolescent daughter and young adult son.
- My husband is enthusiastic, energetic, and fun to be around.
- My husband who is ADD has such a fantastic ability to be funny. He has a wonderful way with words. Sometimes those words become negative but when they're funny, he's right up there with the best of comedians.
- I love to listen to my husband talk: he is so knowledgeable about so many things and is willing to share his ideas. He has a great sense of humor too.
- After over 15 years, we still talk all the time. We never run out of things to discuss, and even when we agree it's a pleasure to hear his perspective. Partly because of that, I love to spend time with my husband and still look forward to him getting home each night.
- Because of my husband's ADHD, he can still maintain the playfulness of a teenager and works well with being spontaneous.
My husband is my best friend. He makes me laugh. - My mate is funny and creative. He is also very interesting because he loves to learn new things and share it with me.
I am married to a wonderful man with ADHD -- he has the most amazing verbal creativity and sense of humor. He energizes me every day.
Another positive area for many respondents had to do with partnership and intimacy:
- Feeling like you have a true partner to face problems and difficulties with. Enjoying the children with the only other person on the planet who feels as close to them as I do.
- He can be incredibly loving, in words and in physical expression…
- Romance and true love which is frequently expressed
- I like the attention he gives me when we are alone. He is very romantic and spontaneous, which I find very exciting.
- I find that having someone with which to share all of life's ups and downs with is one of the best aspects of marriage. I truly believe you need to be best friends and be able to maintain that type of relationship throughout the marriage. Your spouse should be the first person you call when you are happy , sad, stressed, etc.
These responses focused on family, including:
- The greatest pleasure in my marriage is knowing that I am loved by my husband and that I have two great kids and a daughter-in-law who I get along well with.
- Our family unit. The special time we have just the five of us enjoying life, whether it be in the yard or on the boat.
My husband and I met walking home from high school. We have so many wonderful memories to share. We have a three terrific children and enjoy watching them grow-up.
I find it interesting and inspiring that so many of these quotes (and there are more) place such emphasis on the friendship between partners. If you are thinking about what area of your relationship to work on next, consider activities that strengthen your bonds as friends.
P.S. We've "closed" this survey, but will post another this Fall to get at more of your issues. I'll announce it when it's ready.
- MelissaOrlov's blog
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Comments
disappointing
Where are the comments from the husbands of women with ADHD? I'm sure a majority of your respondents are in relationships where it is the husband who is affected but, there had to be at least one. As a woman with ADHD I am not surprised, it's just another example of the discouraging truths of society. Marginalized and shamed once again.
Keep looking
There are comments from husbands with ADD wives....I've read several. Maybe there needs to be a forum clearly marked for wives having ADD.
Keep Looking
A forum for wives having ADD would be great.
Marginalization
It has nothing to do with marginalization. It has to do with who is out on the internet looking for information about ADHD and marriage. In the case of the research, it has to do with who chose to answer the questionnaire (since it was self-selection) and whether or not, if they did respond, they answered the particular question I was analyzing in an interesting enough way to write about.
The vast majority of these searchers are women. This matches well with statistics about who buys self-help books, too. It's not men.
The reader below is correct - there are men and women with ADHD who write at this site (I just responded to a woman with ADHD in the blog posting above this one, for example). There are also men with wives who have ADHD (though far fewer of these).
As for "there has to be at least one" in the research so I could include them in my write up. Actually, no. Out of over 400 respondents, there were...2 non-ADHD men with spouses who had been diagnosed with ADHD. One was a gay male couple. The other was a male/female couple soon divorcing. The wife had put the husband through "living hell". No comments there on "what I like about you". Please make sure you understand what that means. It does not mean that there are no successful relationships of that structure. It means that there were no successful relationships of that structure in the research study, whose respondent base is biased towards women without ADHD by its "opt in" structure and by who is interested in this info.
As for marginalized and shamed again - not by this woman. I have a deep respect for women with ADHD who not only have to deal with the difficulties of ADHD but also with the difficulties of being a woman and the often unfair expectations that places on them in the organizational side of relationships (who SAYS it's the women who should do all this stuff???!). Women with ADHD get a real double whammy in my book, made even worse by the fact that men without ADHD are much less likely to continue to "keep trying" to save their marriage to a woman with ADHD. Statistically speaking, these relationships end in divorce even more often than when the man has ADHD. I suspect that this is tied to cultural expectations, though don't know this for sure.
Anyway, please save your cynicism for times when you have full information about those whom you are criticizing.
If you want a great resource for women with ADHD, by the way, Sari Solden is the person to look up (Google her). She focuses on this topic, so the folks at her site are much more likely to "self select" there as women with ADHD (but again, probably few/no men who are married to them. In fact, you'll probably find more of those by nosing around this site).
The meaning of words
Cynical? Actually, there wasn't an ounce of it in my comment. Five points though for trying to dismiss my opininon.
Here's my cynical reaction:
As a person with ADHD I am quite used to explaining what I am trying to convey fifteen times if necessary. So, let me help you.
Wikipedia defines Marginalization as-Being marginalized refers to being separated from the rest of the society, forced to occupy the fringes and edges and not to be at the centre of things. Marginalized people are not considered to be a part of the society.
While I understand your reaction to my post because marginalizing women with ADHD or anyone for that matter isn't a very admirable thing to do, especially when you run a website where you sell yourself as a counselor for people with ADHD, it doesn't make it any less true. My original intent was not to attack you or your "self selecting" survey. Which I am not only fully aware of the meaning of as I have a PhD (that means I'm a real doctor as opposed to a person who is married to a doctor) it was exactly what I was speaking to in my point. You provide a real nice forum here for women to be abusive toward their worthless ADHD husbands. Dumping all of their feelings of hateful animosity and frustration on them and then turning around and telling them how special they are and how much they love them. Nothing new for people with ADHD. While I appreciate the few vicious comments from husbands with wives with ADHD like the one from the guy on this thread that doesn't understand that adding an s at the end of the word mine is not neccessary as it is already possessive, I wonder where his comments of praise are. He seems eager to seek out a forum to spew his anger, choosing a thread from a woman with ADHD seeking a bit of positive feedback makes him an even better human being.
Thanks for getting it and then turning around and promoting the exact behavior you acknowledge as a double standard. Your attitude is really gross. Yes we are EXTREMELY difficult to deal with, especially if you have expectations that we will behave as though we do not have adhd and then turn around and love all the qualities you hate us for.
I don't need this type of sick praise. I've had my fair share and still deal with the lovely guilt and self hatred that comes along with it. I was making a point to try and get you to reflect and have some empathy rather than selfish sympathy.
Nicole, you sound miserable, I hope you are feeling better now.
Nicole, not everyone is on here to bag ADHD husbands. Myself, I have actually slowly come to the conclusion (first raised by hubby) that I too have ADHD, just not as severely as hubby.
Regardless of your PhD (I only have a Bachelor's degree myself), I find your criticism against Melissa's response and against this site in general to be unprovoked and just plain nasty. Did Melissa do something to you that you are trying to get back at her for? (Huh, I thought she was just explaining why there were more women with ADHD husbands on here than men.)
You were very angry when you wrote this post... has someone been making you feel low? Or have you got all this internal angst you haven't resolved yet? Regardless of why, I just hope you are feeling happier now than you were when you wrote this post. { Hugs }
BTW, Melissa has never claimed to be a doctor, she almost always corrects people who make this mistake. I didn't realise she was married to a doctor, I'll have to look at her story again. I think she and her husband are amazing people for sharing their story of marital catastrophe, affair, and then turning it around with some serious changes of attitude. Not all people have the strength to sort this out.
Hope you are making some progress towards happiness in your life.
Apparently offensive Doctor Who quote now removed from my signature. Peace to all!
I am one of those guys....
I am a husband of a wife who has ADHD and its been one of the toughest things I had ever dealt with. She does not want to take meds and runs from all responsibilites in the house and just wants to live her life and that is it. She neglects the house, me and her daughter ( which is not mines) I have told her lets try and talk to somebody together about her issues but she does not want to do it together she tells me I should go by myself but I keep telling her that I dont have the issue. When we first met when we were in our late teens and we have been together off and on for 11years plus. We have been married for 7 years total. When she first told me about the condition I did not understand it and her and I just passed it over like she was a little forgetful and I did not live with her until right before we got married and that is when I started to see her ways and 7 years later it has been a rollercoster for me. I have High Blood Pressure and I really dont want to live this way (meds) but I love my wife and I want to be with her but at the same time I am tired of all that she does and says. I am preparing myself for the worst (divorce) and its gonna hurt due to I love her so much and I never in my lifetime thought I would have to go through something like this but I witness my mother live through a tough marriage with my father and I dont want to go through the same things she did. I feel that I deserve fair treatment. All I have asked her to do is get on meds and she keeps giving me excuses on how she feels once she is taking them but she does not know how I feel when she is in her own world and I need her. I can't ask for too much because she will give me some excuse about why she cant do it. All in all I am just tired and my heart is starting to harden from her and her ways and actions. I really wish there were some more men that would speak about what they have to go through because this is the PITTS!
I am one of those guys
Thanks S. Dubya,
It's good to know women with ADD husbands are not the only ones to "NAG". I don't think it can be call nagging, we all are just desperate. I have almost 18 years of marriage and it is definitively going to end if he doesn't seriously seek for help.
My hubby knows how you feel.......
We've been married 10 years this year and it's been a living hell for him. It's so hard and there are others that are going thru the same thing. Sorry you are having to go thru it, it really is no fun. Your wife sounds exactly like me. I go off and on the meds (like a dummy!) and it's so hard on the family. Does she have Sari Solden's book "Women With Attention Deficit Disorder?" That book really was a life changer for me and made me realize I do have this and there is hope. Good luck.
Over and Done
I have now left my wife due to her telling me some things that she was feeling about us and our marriage. It was the toughest year of my life being away from the person that I loved so much. I have had my ups and downs being away from the family but I keep in contact with my daughter weekly and that makes me feel good. I often go into daydream mode and just wish none of this ever happened but it did and I get so mad from it. But I had read somewhere on a blog about how the spouses of people who have ADHD are internally sick and just mentally frustrated and one of the people said "Can you picture yourself doing this for another 8 years?" and I couldn't see myself doing it. I want to try and push on with my life but its tough cause I kinda feel like I quit on the marriage and I am not a quitter. I had lost my family of Dec 09 and my job in Jan 10 and it was the pitts for me but thanks to prayer and family and friends I got through it. I found work a few months later and a great new friend and my life is on the upswing but at times I just get frustrated at my past and what could have been and do get depressed.
Hi
I'm happy to see that you are moving on. I am the wife of a man who has undiagnosed ADD, mostly because he doesn't want to see anyone for help. Our marriage is barely hanging on by strings at this point. I know he is frustrated, depressed, and doesn't understand why he feels the way he does. I feel sorry for him. I am on my last string trying to help him, I hope he does get help, because I know if our marriage ends he will be mad at himself even more. We used to be best friends..I miss the person that I married and I am very saddened that all of the goals and plans we have made for our lives do not seem achievable at this point. I am trying not to be angry with him, and I am trying not to blame him, this site has helped me understand his struggles, hopefully our strings do not break. I'm glad you are picking yourself back up.
the best of times - the worst of times
This is my first time on this site and I feel like i am reading a diary of my own thoughts and words. I have been with an ADD husband for years and i am to the point of feeling like I am crazy as a loon by now. The frustration, feelings of being married alone, isolation, hopelessness, anger, depression and, believe it or not, continued hope. I am very much in love with my husband but I feel like I am the only adult in the relationship. My children are grown but i am still the mother of our household. I have decided not to leave the relationship for many reasons but am still striving to find ways to make my life tolerable within the marriage. My adult son keeps telling me the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I have taken that to heart recently and have realized that my complaining and nagging WILL NOT EVER CHANGE MY HUSBAND'S BEHAVIOR. Never, Never, never. Believe it or not - that is hard for me to swallow. It leaves it up to me - everything up to me. I know that the future of our lives depends on my making a living, paying the mortgage, doing the taxes, cleaning the house and making good decisions. I have tried the lists, the notes, the posters, the communication styles, the counseling, the medications, and everything else. I have come to the realization that I either stay and take care of business myself or I leave. Oh, at times he will do this or that but it is always temporary. Because of what my son said to me though, I have taken a look at myself and asked myself why do I stay. I stay because I was once married to a man who got everything done, was neat, tidy and made a good living. He also was incapable of love and was completely unfaithful. My ADD husband is a depressed messmaker but he does love me and he is faithful. It drives me crazy the way he is often unemployed and messing up the house but he is not chasing the neighbor ladies - he is always home with me. He is distracted and does not say and do loving things the way I wish he did - but he does try now and then. When he does try - I see his genuine effort to want to please. ADD is a disability and I feel deep in my heart that he would do the things that needed to be done if he were indeed capable of doing them. For Easter we told each other four things we appreciated about each other. It was really nice. Will he forget them tomorrow? probably yes - but i won't.
The Positives
On a day or perhaps a time when I find myself struggling with the impact of ADD kinda stuff on our marriage I am so glad for this list of positives, because there are. My wife and the things I love about her can be found in the positives, the neat things about us, and I can forget that as I struggle with managing needs that I have. I know we are all responsible for our own needs but you go thru times of somehow looking to others to touch your soul where it needs it most. When that doesn't happen I can think its all bad or always gonna be like that forever. NOT TRUE. Thanks to God for this site and this blog and website..........I so need it for myself and making sense of things. Thanks.
In the midst of his ADHD storm....I'm still inlove with him!
My husband and I are in the midst of yet another ADHD fall-out… and I looked at some of these postings in hopes of helping me to be the calm after the storm.
Yes, like so many other non-ADHD spouses, I have been hurt so very deeply within our 7 year marriage…I do not understand the patterns/reactions of my ADHD husband. All I do know is that I hurt when he does things that affect our household without thinking or caring about how it will impact me or his children. So, I decided today to try and do something different…although I feel like crying, I will look for the positives that I love about my husband.
Sooooo, Here we go….
I love the way my husband can make me laugh on most days
I love the way my husband will give me advice on a situation that I had not considered
I adore how smart, sexy, and so very handsome my husband is
I love that if he knows I am not having a good day, he’ll pick up my favorite candy bar or my favorite bottle of wine.
When my back is sore…he’ll massage it (sometimes without wanting to be sexually gratified afterwards lol)
If he knows that our 3 year old is particularly defiant, he’ll redirect him to give me a chance to regroup.
He’ll pick up a card or flowers just because
He’ll cook for me and the kids even when he’s dieting and doesn’t eat what he’s cooked
I think the most lovable thing about my husband that jumps out into the forefront of my thoughts really doesn’t have anything to do with me….but I love when he’s feeling good about himself and seeing him interact with our 2 boys (age 3 and 6 months)! Seeing the 3 of them laugh? Ummmmm, it just does wonders for me to be on the outside looking in.
Above are just some of the things that makes him so intoxicating to me..... I love me some him! I just hope for the day when he realizes, and appreciates it before it's too late.