Forum topic: At a crossroads on whether to give up or stay in

Fri Nov 1st, 2024 - 2:46am by exhaustedkitten

Forum: 
Anger, Frustration & ADHD

I love my husband, but I have become a shell of my former self. We have been together for nearly 7 years, but I am truly struggling with his ADHD symptoms and more importantly struggling with him being perfectly happy with the way things are. I am finding myself becoming more and more resentful of his choices that affect me and the heightened rejection sensitivity that comes with his ADHD. I try to be respectful and trust that he will have things handled, but it's really frustrating when each day comes with more choices that he has made that affect me negatively. I know he is struggling with his ADHD, but he refuses to try medication and says that he is working on his ADHD in his own way. We started Melissa's seminar, but we only got through session 1 and that was about a month ago. I try to bring it up, but I am met with groans and sighs as if it is such a chore for him to do this for us. I feel like I'm carrying the entire weight of our relationship as well as our finances. He's an avid spender and doesn't see it as such. He doesn't believe that he is spending too much of our funds. The fact of the matter is since we have been together, we have no savings and I was not this kind of person where I didn't save up and have money set aside. I'm very much a planner and want to make sure we have funds for retirement, but he's very much the in the now and want to enjoy life now kind of person. 

I really find myself feeling depressed and I'm already in therapy and working with the therapist on how his ADHD affects me. I think I am miserable some days. Some days I think to myself, it must be nice living life without having to wash a dish or clean a toilet or do actual household chores. He tells me that he experiences executive functioning paralysis very often and I want to not blame him for making the mistakes he makes or how his ADHD symptoms make me feel exhausted, but it's so hard. I feel so utterly depressed that even when asking him to take the dogs outside just to potty is met with groans and sighs. It's painful and I don't want to vent too much to my friends or family because they will form opinions about him and I feel that's unfair to him. 

I'm just not sure how to move forward. I feel resentment for how our lives are and I can't seem to see the light out of this. I know he's a caring and loving person, but I am having such a hard time showing him love when he doesn't want to help himself. I don't really want to go down the path of divorce, but I so exhausted, I'm not sure I have the energy to keep being the parent. He's labeled me controlling when I've been trying to keep us out of messes he creates. He doesn't want to use any tools that would be a compromise for us. Any suggestion I make seems to fall on deaf ears or he argues that he doesn't want to or can't do it.

What else can I do besides swallow the resentment in order to keep the peace? I feel like I walk on eggshells whenever there is something important to discuss. I can't really talk to him about things, because when I do his RSD comes into full effect and it gets turned around into how he feels he's being attacked or he gets full on depressed and I feel like the bad guy. Like tonight, I tried to talk to him about how I'm not trying to blame him, but I am truly struggling with understanding his ability to work full force on something that he's interested in and 0 ability to do something like help clean a mess he has made. I wanted a partnership in a marriage and this is not what I envision a partnership to be. So I keep asking myself should I give up and leave or do I resign myself to accepting that this is how our marriage will be with me swallowing all the resentment and exhaustion? Neither solution seems right to me. I'm also struggling with the fact that we made vows for better or worse, it good times and in bad. How do I tell the person I made vows to that I want to walk away because I can't handle the bad times? Is it even appropriate for me to walk away? 

Comments

Submitted by Off the roller ... on Fri Nov 1st, 2024 - 6:40am

Hey exhastedkitten, you aren't alone in this. I can't type much now but we are twins in our situations. I don't have advice for you. I'm currently in the middle of the same. I've had such a roller coaster of emotions AND we are also dealing with the spending problems AND grief. 2 new packages came today. And all the same existing projects are just sitting in our house..nothing is leaving the house. It's becoming a hoarding house and it's really upsetting bc that's what I grew up in and it's so unacceptable to me - and yet, I have NO IDEA how to make any changes or to get my husband to listen or just even give a s**t about me. Or for me to feel like he gives a s**t. 

My only advice is to look after yourself. I don't mean bubble baths and bulls**t like that... I mean REAL self care. Work on yourself. Sit in the grief (cause that's what it is, ultimately), work through, let it flow through you and yes, there are lights that will start to shine through. Do something - anything - that you deep down inside love to do and that he's squished as of late. For me, it was Halloween. I love the holiday. He's ruined a lot of them. Thanksgivings too. I've just sat in my hurt, anger and resentment and yesterday I said 'not this time', dressed up, went out with my kids and had a blast. Full disclosure - it's scary and sad and all of it combined... do it anyways. While I was walking around with the kids, we had neighbours going with us too and they were all coupled up and affectionate with each other. It feels like a knife in me. It makes me so so so sad to see couples married for 10+ years and be affectionate. I feel joy for them but so much sadness for me. 

So make yourself a list of the things that make you smile, make you feel good, anything... and then pick one thing that you can do that day - JUST ONE!!!! Don't overwhelm yourself. And then do it. Remind yourself that you can do these things and you can keep your promises to yourself. 

Submitted by exhaustedkitten on Fri Nov 1st, 2024 - 4:35pm

I really needed to hear this and I do need to fill my own cup! It's so nice to know that I'm not alone in this and to see that I'm not to blame for the problem. I was reading Melissa's article on allowing myself to grieve and I really need to do that and work through it. Thank you for the encouragement! 

Submitted by exhaustedkitten on Sun Nov 3rd, 2024 - 1:41am

Thank you so much for reminding me to take care of me first! I love holidays too and holidays for him seem to set him off and his depression sets in. I feel the same, I feel joy for other couples that I see so happy and I feel sadness for myself. I feel like I'm in fight or flight mode constantly. 

Submitted by Swedish coast on Fri Nov 1st, 2024 - 7:36am

I'm so sorry about this.

To me, unmanaged ADHD justifies divorce. Your partner might be limited in his self-awareness and also ability to change, and therefore perhaps not entirely accountable. But that doesn't make your situation acceptable.

He's not keeping his vows if he exposes you to the effects of his untreated ADHD. That he isn't aware of the impact isn't relevant to the end result for you. You cannot be expected to uphold your end of marital duties alone and see your years and ultimately your health run out.

I see no reason for you to stay unless you find it's in your best interest.

Please take care. Don't let decades pass unhappy like I did.

Submitted by swampyankee on Fri Nov 1st, 2024 - 12:47pm

Thank you for this comment, Swedish coast!  I ended things with my husband of 22 years in May, whereupon he predictably asked for a "second chance".  I foolishly agreed, but the requirements were that he needed to go to counseling for his anger management issues, and to get tested for ADHD.  He did go to counseling, but not for anger.  And he got to the point where he got a referral to get tested, but never followed through.  I gave him Melissa's book to read, and to his credit, he did start reading it, but apparently stopped at the part where it mentions that the non-ADHD spouse exhibits a lot of anger.  For some reason he felt justified in not exploring it any further because I am angry with him.

But that's just it!  I am angry with him because he denies it, and because it isn't managed.   If he ever acknowledged how his symptoms impact me instead of deflecting, I might not be so angry.  If he got tested and started managing his symptoms, I might be able to live with him. But he's done neither.  I am so very ready to get out of this and move on.

Submitted by exhaustedkitten on Fri Nov 1st, 2024 - 3:02pm

I had a mental breakdown this morning and he wanted to know how he could help and I just unleashed everything I was feeling and told him that it's not his fault perse but that it is really hard for me to look at him and know there are things he can do on his part to make our lives better. He said he understood and wants to help so I can only hope that's a step in the right direction. 

Submitted by exhaustedkitten on Fri Nov 1st, 2024 - 3:07pm

I mentioned in a comment above that my husband and I had a talk this morning after I had a mental breakdown. It's just hard to see him struggle and then in turn me collapse under the crushing weight of the life responsibilities. I am hoping he can at least meet me a quarter of the way. He's already called a few times seeing if there's anything he can bring me to lessen my stress today. It's not that he isn't a good person, the symptoms need to be managed but he has to make that choice and eventually I have to choose me in the end. My health is priority 1

Submitted by Haveaniceday on Fri Nov 1st, 2024 - 2:03pm

Your post could've been mine. If I knew at your stage what I know now, I would absolutely have left. Kids, finances and getting older makes it much harder, so if those aren't factors then take care of yourself first. 

I know this sounds harsh, but honestly, the heartache and disappointment you are very likely to endure being married to an in denial and untreated ADHD spouse is no joke. 

Sending strength and hope you find your clarity soon!

Submitted by exhaustedkitten on Fri Nov 1st, 2024 - 2:59pm

Thank you for this!!! I needed to hear that I'm not alone as I have been feeling as such for so long. My friends can only identify with me so much and this at least gives me hope that I can be ok! 

Submitted by Photographyjunkie83 on Sat Nov 2nd, 2024 - 10:41am

Dear Exhausted Kitten, You just expressed my story as well. My 59 year old husband learned he had ADHD only 10 months ago, however. I filed for divorce a month later because I had experienced this before. My first husband was also diagnosed as an adult. He refused to learn or understand anything about his symptoms. Our issues were my fault, my problem. When I could no longer endure his hostile tendencies and method of self-medicating, we divorced (4 years after his diagnosis). My 2nd husband and I have not divorced. I withdrew the filing. We just ended 9 months of Christian counseling and 6 months of traditional counseling. There have been only very small changes. His symptoms are very different than those of my first husband, which is why i failed to recognize his ADHD. His ADHD is coupled with victim mentality. I've uses every approach, every tool/strategy. If I lead in our marriage and household things go smoothly until my resentment from having to carry the burden surfaces. I'm exhausted, resentful and simply want relief from this way of living life. I've been regretting that I withdrew the divorce filing. You're not alone Exhausted Kitten.

AdeleS6845's picture

Submitted by AdeleS6845 on Sat Nov 2nd, 2024 - 12:24pm

Knowing when to call it quits, is not "giving up". 

You can only push things down and swallow things for so long before they come bubbling up, or they manifest in other ways like poor health. I stuck it out for ten years with my ex.Husband. There was only so much I could do when I was the only one working on the marriage. 

Submitted by exhaustedkitten on Sun Nov 3rd, 2024 - 1:45am

I'm not sure why it's not posting my replies, but I'm so grateful for all the responses to my original post. I have definitely forgot to take care of me first. I've been in this constant mode of parent child dynamic and in fight or flight mode due to the RSD. I too see happy couples and though I feel happy for them, I feel extremely sad for myself. 

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Sun Nov 3rd, 2024 - 10:42pm

We are doing a few things at the back end of the website and posts were delayed for a bit.  Should be better now...

Melissa

Submitted by ADHD1488 on Fri Dec 6th, 2024 - 5:00am

Have you read or listen too ADHD affects on marriage by Melissa. What I keep hearing is don't try harder try different. Like try and be more affection and kinda with words and the way you speak to him, nagging it's the worse thing you can do and you will be meet with possibly anger and frustration by him. Try and speak during the day when he won't be as tired or that overwelmed so a weekend day will possibly be best. 

Submitted by solonelyandtired on Mon Jan 6th, 2025 - 9:10pm

Reading this post instead of writing my own as it is essentially what I would have written anyway... has anything changed for you in the past 2 months? Currently stuck in the same situation but not looking forward to the hard conversations. My partner is not willing to go to therapy but the issues remain and I am losing my will to battle.

Submitted by exhaustedkitten on Thu Jan 9th, 2025 - 4:34pm

Nothing has really changed, but I've more or less been focusing on myself and doing things just for me. Work has been incredibly busy so my focus has honestly been there. I think the best advice someone else gave me was to focus on me and enjoying life outside of my husband. 

Submitted by dottiecool on Sun Jan 12th, 2025 - 6:23pm

Hello;

I read somewhere that it doesn't matter how much we express our pain to partner with ADHD, if they are desensitized to it or do not have the capacity to mentally deal with our pain nothing changes.  Also i read it has more to do with THEIR pain as in they DO NOT want to feel pain and any avenues we suggest they take is too painful for them.this is the reason my fiance does not want to change or go for therapy because it would be too painful.   Mylast therapist said I have to count the cost of staying in this relationship.i realize now that after 12 years his house renovatio will never be completed ever.If He doesn't go and get help and be uncomfortable then I am the ONLY one who remains in pain and discomfort.   I     think there are just too heavy of burdens to bear before you feel pounded into the ground

Submitted by exhaustedkitten on Mon Jan 13th, 2025 - 4:15pm

This sounds about right, and it does cost us as the non-ADHD partner. I have yet to hear any success stories from anyone with an ADHD partner. It's just tremendously sad. 

Submitted by Off the roller ... on Mon Jan 13th, 2025 - 5:52pm

So I haven't posted in a while and I got these comments/replies while I was away and it's really compeled me to reply - specifically on this one. Someone asked how things were 2 months in and I went and took a 2 week trip with my son out of the country and it was glorious. I didn't have to worry, care or concern myself with my ADHD husband or his affect on me - because I wasn't there to have to be affected by it. And if I'm truly honest with myself (which isreally effing tough) I missed who he USED to be: the man that I married and who he was before march 2020 (as that is my date of the 'change' because it was back to back stressors - major stressors - that I think just flipped his switch and he's never gone back, or acknowledge the changes). And I'm finding a lot more of that - that I'm grieving who he used to be and not accepting who he is now. 

But getting some space like that - true space where they are left to fend for themselves and you do not under any circumstances step in - can really help you find some clarity. It doesn't solve the problem - because I'm the same as you; there is a really tough conversation on the horizon. I know this marriage isn't working for me, I've lost respect for him, I'm resentful and full of contempt.... but I don't have the guts or know how to even start to bring it up or attempt to be like 'seriously, we need therapy and we need to go now'. I feel like just taking a few further steps forward and instead being like 'can we just separate for a while and just give me a break for a while'. Because I was on a holiday with our son, for 2 weeks, and the day he got back - he slipped right bac kinto his behaviours and old ways - straight to bed, on the phone and doesn't help with anything, doesn't engage, nothing. In fact, he decided this was the PERFECT time to get a dog!!! A dog! And I started a new job on the Monday. I didn't even get mad. I was so let down. 

I don't feel loved, cared for, respected or even considered. I deserve to be with someone who acts like they WANT to be around me and to actually be my friend. But walking away tomorrow is paralysing. Bringing it up in a conversation is debilitating and I have some good things going on that don't include him.... so I'm being passive at the moment and looking after myself and standing firm in my needs, beliefs and values. It's super hard though. Don't get me wrong. But I know it's going to get tougher and harder and that conversation is goin to have to happen. 

I'm like you though (and many others in this thread)  - I have walked on the eggshells, I have cried myself to tiredness and then woken up at 3am daily foir weeks running due to stress, I now have 15 lbs of belly fat in my stomach and realising that it's the chronic stress and I won't lose it until I start addressing that, I've done/doing the self-improvment and listened to podcasts, I workout, manage my mental health, etc. And I'm slowly living a separate life - my husand has even commented on it but it was more an acusation instead of a curiosity as to why. 

The comment about the pain really struck with me. And right now, we are attempting to get our son assessed for ADHD.... and my sole driver of this that I keep secretly in my heart is that I don't want my son to grow up like my husband: to be a man-baby that projects all his unresolved and unregulated emotions like a poisin on his family/friends/around him. (yeah, I probably need to go back to 1v1 therapy for this resentment - I am aware of my faults :) )  It's very clear to me as I research ADHD and the differences in adult vs child diagnosis' that my husband's ADHD is SO MUCH WORSE because of it being untreated for so long and him growing up in such an oppressive country at the time that didn't/doesn't allow boys to express their emotions, etc. 

I wish I had the answer to solve your problem - really that will be you. I have ben there and still there with how much I share with friends about it because it is a very niche experience - one that you might withhold some things about what you are going through until you can find a safety group or safe space to vent about them without judgement. I highly recommend the non-ADHD support group here - it was money well spent. But I have to be honest with myself and know that 'if it's going to be [we take some steps to changes and growth tother], then it's up to me' - which is not really a motivational saying in this instance, just another task for us to do. I guess the question would be is: how much do you want things to change? And if you want them to change you DO Have the power to change them. You are not helpless. None of us are. It feels like it big time, but we aren't.