My partner was diagnosed with ADHD in her forties a couple of years ago, she has struggled with this and we split up for some time after her diagnosis due to her headspace and feeling she couldn’t give the time or effort to a relationship. We got back together a year ago and she is now questioning our relationship but acknowledges she doesn’t know why. She loves me but can’t articulate her feelings. She recognizes it’s related to ADHD, but I’m unsure how to support her or help her communicate.
She keeps pushing me away further and disengaging from the relationship over the last month or two. We don’t live together and aren’t soending time together currently, not through a lack of trying on my part but she keeps me at arms length and doesn’t engage. There’s no real help or advice for this online so hoping to hear others experiences/advice.
Comments
Distance
Sorry about this.
There was withdrawal from my ADD partner too, following diagnosis after 20 years of living together. I think it was due to shame.
Instead of making a team with me and meeting the challenges together, he chose to concentrate on himself. He didn’t give me updates on how he felt and was secretive about what his doctor said.
I think the revelation of an ADHD diagnosis can shake up a person substantially. They might question their entire life and everything in it - including their partner (who often has been critical about their symptoms and therefore might be perceived as overbearing).
It also seems an ADHD partner may create a negative self-image which doesn’t reflect their partner’s love and appreciation at all. My ex thought I felt he was unattractive in different ways, even disgusting, and this was simply not true.
I have relatives with ADHD who will always be the one to end their relationships after a couple of years maximum, stating they lose interest in every partner. This I’ve felt is probably ADHD wiring.
Probably she will need to do this on her own terms. If she finds the energy for a relationship (and I believe many ADHDers do, but not all, sadly), perhaps things will change for the better for the two of you.
Whatever happens, I suggest you try to do something good for yourself.
Future Faking vs Fake It till You Make It
I've had a lot of thoughts about this lately, so these are just ideas.....saying, I'm not exactly sure but it's just a theory I'm postulating.
Since I have ADHD, I can use myself in part, but in reference to your GF, I can add my own experience with my SO, to possibly connect it to yours. Again, this is just an idea based on things I know.
Some definitions to what I think are possible.
-Imposter Syndrome..ie: Fake till you Make it. A common problem for people with ADHD that deals with masking or hiding their symptoms by adopting a persona that isn't their authentic selves. It's related to a poor self image and feelings of being inferior or having a negative view of themselves.
-Future Faking....an intentional form of deception, with intent, to lead someone to believe something that isn't true...to gain advantage or get something from them. This is commonly associated with Narcissism, and is related to their "False Self", which is also related to an inflated ego and feelings of superiority and entitlement...believing they are better than everyone else.
From my own experience, viewing these things from the outside...they can look remarkably similar in fact, at times, exactly the same. Same behavior for almost polar opposites reasons. If I'm correct in saying that?
What these two concepts share in common are: something in the future...and hiding something.
The difference between these two concepts are: intention....either: doing it intentionally to knowingly deceive someone to gain advantage, take from, get something from someon ....by design.
Or...doing it as a means to fool yourself ( deceive yourself ) that you are better, than you think you, because you knowingly believe ( a false belief ) you are not as good as everyone else and you're trying to pretend you are, so no one else can tell.
In terms of a relationship, the motives would be completely different. In one, the motive would be to take something ( get something ) from the other person.
In the other... it would be wanting the relationship, but not having the skills or knowledge of exactly how to have one...so you "fake it till you make it"....and hope for the best.
The problem here is: Faking it till you make it works in many situations. It's not a bad thing or not what people do. It can be helpful and actually a good thing in the right application. Everyone does it to a certain degree and it a completely normal thing to do.
Until, it comes time not to fake it anymore, and actually do the thing you said you wanted ( in the past )...but now it's time to pony up and do the deed. It's based on a false belief or assumption you'll be able to...but when you get there, you find out you can't.
I believe, this is what's going on with my SO. On one hand, she wants the relationship. On the other hand, she lacks the ability or ...in terms of sex or intimacy...the desire to do it.
That would require her, to look at aspects of herself that she doesn't want to look at....and drop the Imposter Syndrome. It would require her to see herself as she really is, instead of who she isn't. Who she is, isn't is the persona. Who she is, is who she is. The one I see.
The biggest obstacles here is her. I love her anyway....just the way she is.
I Feel This is True Because....
of a story my SO told me about herself when we were first getting to know each other. I'm stepping back, looking at this objectively and seeing this with empathy and understanding. The same as I give myself when looking at my past.
The story was about her first husband and the experience she had on her honeymoon. It didn't go well in other words, and she was very let down and disappointed. That experience stays with her to this day.
As the story goes ( as I heard it ), her ex-husband, who, was a devoted follower of the church where they met, in which, premarital sex was a big no no. So much so, that they will oust you from the same church if you are found out. Strict, adherence, is mandatory.
According to the story, my SO had not only been sexually molested at age 13....but had joined the church at age 16 where she eventually met her ex-husband at age 21.
In between that time, according to the story, had sex with a co-worker at around age 18.
Fast forward to the honeymoon. She told her ex-husband she wasn't a virgin....right then....before they were to have sex ( supposedly ) for the first time with her ex-husband.
According to the story, as she told it: he was really upset and that ruined the whole honeymoon for her. It was very upsetting to her, and it was a terrible way to start a marriage. The way he acted towards her, ruined the entire honeymoon for her.
That's how it was presented to me and I was empathetic towards her because I understood her position based on the entire story.
I also understand, that waiting until the last minute just before you have sex with your new husband for the first time that you met in a church who had strict adherence to "no sex before marriage"....that you're well aware of ( painfully so in fact ) ...that little bit of information MIGHT have been of value to him....before you went on your honeymoon and before you got married? Possibly?
And by not doing so.....one might assume...this fellow, might be a tad bit upset. One might also assume, that this fellow might even be angry. Not only angry, but also feel like the entire honeymoon was ruined for him.
At the very least, in that moment in thinking, he was having sex with his new bride, who had also, never had sex with anyone else ( too )....to find that she wasn't a virgin....right then.
One might also assume, based on his strict religious beliefs ( and all that ) he'd be disappointed, disillusioned, taken "a back" and was now ( possibly ) rethinking the entire marriage? ( maybe? ) At the very minimum....his reality had just be shaken up. And he....probably felt pretty shaken up.
In the meantime....my SO finished the story by saying something like " he made me feel like I was a big disappointment...which carried on into our marriage together."
Where does this disappointment belong? And who ruined whose honeymoon?
If I'm not mistaken...this is in part...due to the Imposter Syndrome...and my SO's inability to see it.
Maybe
I agree transparency before marriage would have been right for your SO.
On the other hand. What kind of a man would blame a sexual assault victim and treat her like she’s unworthy because she’s been molested? Not somebody I’d care to know.
He Didn't Know
She didn't tell him. He literally thought she was a virgin. When I say molested...I mean sex. I also understand the Shame involved, in telling him. That part is understandable. The brief boyfriend/co-worker she worked with...probably should have been mentioned.
And to your point, this is what I'm trying to be patient about. I don't fully understand it myself. She can't articulate it exactly, and doesn't know exactly why either.
She's only said, she thinks her issues surrounding sex have something to do with it. And even just recently said "I think it has something to do with being taken advantage of." I believe that's all she knows too. It's why she can't explain it to me.
I understand having things taken from you. Giving away part of you.
That's all I know, but it's enough to understand.
I made all the pursuit mistakes also.....
The bottom line, relational life is difficult enough when two people both desire it w/o a doubt!....Any time one is not all in, you can waste years and years of your life pursuing some one who isn't relationship material...(Just ended 16 years of it) We tend to make excuses for doing it...Which are only born out of our own neediness...
Good luck...
c