I have cried this weekend about what I perceive is ADHD-tinged relatives doing everything on their terms only.
Then again, I may be steeped into codependency and therefore have an odd sense of how people interact. I’m trying to understand the panic I feel in the face of non-negotiation.
As a parent of three and wife in a two-decade unfortunate ADD marriage, I’ve been putting in a lot of energy and tried to find what’s best for everybody in everyday decisions. If I do something with somebody, I adjust to that person. I expect adjustment to be mutual.
My relatives, however, all live alone and do everything on their individual terms. They have clear boundaries and no wish to compromise. They only seem to think of people as independent individuals.
Practically this means not sharing needs or expectations explicitly beforehand when doing things together, not making plans including a set time, not sticking with plans or time if I invite them to something, not synchronizing activities, transport or meals, not waiting for others, not considering or asking what others would prefer. I think my relatives like the undefined, allowing them to do what they please when they please, feeling it’s the natural organic way of doing things. It might well be for single people with a lot of time and freedom. It’s not for me. I need control of my time and energy to manage life.
These days I’m experiencing burnout symptoms and have to be careful. Was reminded this weekend that relatives aren’t prepared to adjust to me. When I’d already lent myself to an arrangement not well defined in advance and which turned out not to work for me, they just informed me their preferences didn’t align with mine. That was that. I was stuck far from home in the countryside late at night and didn’t have my own car. It was all on their initiative and apparently on their terms, but they hadn’t told me any of those terms, so how should I have known?
Do I always have to insist on a clear-cut agreed plan in advance with these relatives, rather than expect them to adjust to me? But they explicitly refuse all clear-cut plans, and the request clearly annoys them.
I feel shattered today. These kind well intended people just show me by their minute actions that there is no room for my needs. They don’t understand why I’m upset and I guess they just think I’m high maintenance. Which feels sort of unfair since I’m the one who does massive maintenance work all the time.
Talking to them about this has led to nothing. I tell them their actions make me feel I matter less than everybody else. They don’t reply to this at all. They just ignore me.
Very possibly it now takes little to make me upset, since there have been countless situations like this. I now feel difficult and irrational, but at the same time know that is not the whole truth.
Does anybody have advice for me? I’m losing it today…
Comments
Not responding
Yes, and another thing. I find it so hard to talk to them. On any subject, they will just let my attempts hang in the air with no validation. There is frankly none - no recognition of a common interest, no comment or new angle, nothing. While I’m used to putting a lot of validation into my conversation, I’m really not used to receiving none. These talks are cold, slow and lacking inspiration. It doesn’t matter if I try to amuse them, interest them, or open up vulnerable about myself to them. All I get is this clumsy perhaps disinterested lack of response.
Is this ADHD? Or am I losing my mind?
There is something there....
You seemed surprised by this...Like it hasn't always been their way?...Just a thought...People who love us, but, aren't in full, or any, agreement with us, might handle it like you are describing...Attempting to bring close friends or family into our circumstance's (new circumstances) might be met w/ a hands up mentality...(You made your bed, you lay in it!)
It's obvious by watching and listening to people (and our own minds) one of the hardest things in the world to do is, not attempt to think for, or judge another person...
We all have to remember....There are ONLY 3 that truly know what has went on in our marriage relationships all these years...Me, Her, and God....And 2 of those can't even agree on the story!
You're not crazy!...You're overloaded and could use a little empathy...Since I'm an Ocean away, I can only give it by encouragement and prayer...I'll do those...
c
Sorry, don’t quite understand
C, are you suggesting the relatives are distancing themselves from me because they judge me? Or think my divorce or new circumstances are my fault?
Or that I’m judging them?
I know they too are having hard times in their lives. They’ve stopped confiding in me, and have withdrawn somewhat, since Ive previously withdrawn from them (it was very difficult to have nice family get-togethers with them the last few years of my marriage since I had to do all the work while was exhausted and they were always passive and oblivious.) But Ive tried for months now to bring us back together, mainly by expressing my appreciation for them and hosting them at my house for celebrations, which everybody has allegedly appreciated. I haven’t tried to go into difficult conversations but kept things light.
They also act friendly, and have expressed family relations are important to them. I believe their aloof behavior is not intended. I seem to recognize an ADHD-ishness in how they act. A social unawareness, not malice or contempt. The people in question think they have ADHD, but haven’t been tested.
I love them. But I can’t help that as soon as I’m not in charge of the situation like as hostess, I tend to be hurt when with them.
Am I surprised? Not really. But when we were young, things weren’t like this. We had fun. We joked. We got each other’s humor and references. Now I don’t understand them and I can’t imagine what it’s like to separate your own interests so entirely from other people’s interests. I find my happiness by connecting and running things together. It’s just so hard to connect with them. They don’t make sense to me anymore.
Have been hoping to reclaim the wider family. But perhaps it’s not possible.
Thank you C for replying.
No...I'm not saying Judgement's involved...
When we have major life changes, it can't help but effect how, and what, we communicate about with family and friends...A lot of our commonality and conversations center around the simple fact of our day to day lives as it pertains to the circumstance's of our life (children, spouses, jobs, activities etc.)...So simple uneasiness can easily happen...Death and Divorce are major circumstance changers as you know...So the drawing away by you, and then them, probably is normal in many families...My daughters have drawn away from me over the past few years...Not in a bad way really...Just that because of the turmoil in my marriage, they kind of leave it up to me to do most of the engaging....No one want's to be around turmoil and especially don't want their children picking up on it...I'd be the same way...
But since we (the one's living the change) want things to be as normal as possible we might be more sensitive (pick up it) to the difference...
That is clever
C, that’s a good observation. I’m sorry your daughters have withdrawn.
Unlike my relatives I actually draw nearer to friends who have a crisis. And I know a bereaved person needs to feel their lost loved one is always a welcome topic. A friend of mine lost her 18 year old son who died unexpectedly in his sleep. We always mention him. My cousin lost her baby daughter. We always mention her.
Silent avoidance of others’ pain is hurtful. In the middle of my divorce I spent a weekend with one of the aforementioned relatives. They didn’t mention the divorce or how I was doing ONCE during that weekend, or after. Neither did I, because I couldn’t bear to be ignored.
Isn’t it strange.
Thank you C for your kindness. You literally help me live.
Swedish - Need for Depth
I'll tie this into your last comment. I think I can help you understand.
You're entire post is timely Swedish....
and I have a lot to say on this subject. As usual, I don't know any other way to say it except in story form so please bear with me.
This topic of discussion came up in therapy yesterday, as I was asking why I don't necessarily fit in with everyone who has ADHD. The answer, I've heard before, but I gained a few more insights that made this all click. Hopefully, understanding will help with your frustration, as I understand myself even better now. I can share my revelation ( about mysel ) which may shed light on this topic.
First off, is this ADHD ? I'd say yes for a number of reasons...and no, for even more reasons. The answer is not "either/ or"..it's all the above in this multiple choice question.
For you, what might help is to consider "tribes". You brought up "sects" but tribes is actually closer in a sociological sense. This concept is more Jungian in nature.
For me, I can tell you, I'm more like you than you may think, and far less like you in other ways. I'm much more like your extended family members in their need for "lack or structure ". I believe your need for structure is where the rub is. Is this an ADHD thing? I think it is.
Yet, my SO, and possibly my mother ( assuming she had ADHD ) share your need for structure...in an almost extreme way. My mother especially, needed to plan things to death. To do anything was so structured and planned out, it took all the spontaneity and fun out of traveling for example. There were no surprises around every corner because there were none.
No adventure..... "When it's all about the destination and nothing about the journey...life isn't an adventure! ! "
Full stop. These idealistic sayings drive me crazy. They are so unrealistic, and so "new agey ". No offense to anyone who is from the "new age" camp or tribe, it's simply not how my mind works....I'm much more suited to a more scientific explanation. I'd even say, it's not my world.
At the same time. One of my favorite vacations ever was taking an 8,000 mile motorcycle trip with a friend for 10 days. We had no itinerary. No set destinations. No planned routes....no plans. We got up each morning ( sleeping on the ground most times ) and pointed in a direction and said "go". We decided everything when we got to the next gas pump. We never knew where we'd end up, how long we'd be, or even which rode we'd take. It was completely "structureless" ( if that's a word? ) without a plan. The only plan was...ride until you're tired, eat when you're hungry, stop when you need gas ....and that was the plan. It was all about the journey...because there was no destination!! Lol. I loved every minute of it. We couldn't even plan where we were going to sleep because we didn't know where that would be? Not until we got there...and most times it was on the ground.
I'll wager.....that probably doesn't sound very fun for you? Yet, it was a dream come true for me.
And it would have been a nightmare for my SO or mom....no structure?? Yikes!
But there's more....as it pertains to me.
As I've mentioned in the past, I love music shows. One of those bands I use to go to was the Gretefull Dead, who are famous for having "Dead Heads" foll them around like a traveling caravan. There's absolutely no structure to this group, and they have this "live for today because there's no tomorrow " attitude. The only thing structured about it is the actual show and the time it starts.
You might think, this group or tribe would also suit me well? Actually, they drive me nuts after a while...and really get on my nerves. But, it's their world, and their tribe, and I'm just a visitor for a while. Do I want to stay there! Hell no! It's not my tribe...but it's fun to visit for a while.
I'm not done yet...more thoughts on myself.
Before I knew I had ADHD...I always understood something clearly. I knew I was an artist...because of my God given talent. But do I fit into the "Artist Tribe", the "New Age", "Free Spirit", "Empath", "Hippy Culture" blah blah blah "Tribe" ?
Again, that tribe really gets on my nerves after a while. That completely unstructured way of thinking ( in a sense....full of magic and wonder ) way of lthinking... goes directly against my grain at times. Yet, I can speak fluent "Artist" as needed, and can navigate quite well in that world. I fit, because what I do, but not how I think or even how I live my life.
In school, I fit more with the Atheletes ( Jocks )....simply because I spent most my time with them. But I wasn't a Jock. That wasn't my world. I already mentioned Artists, not my tribe. And in reality, I didn't really seem to fit anywhere?
And even now, I don't even really seem to fit with poeple ( as a group ) who have ADHD. Especially those, like my SO, have created a highly structured world to help manage their symptoms. It's difficult because our minds work differently, yet we both have ADHD.
As was mentioned yesterday. I can't read her mind, to see that structured world she see's ...unless she can paint a picture for me, so I can see it? If all I get is anger, for not seeing it, it tells me nothing.
A structured world actually suits me just fine. I like this world, and like living in it and want to remain here. I may not have the vision...but I can adapt to it, if I'm allowed to stay.
Another contradiction. Just a passing thought about "New Age" thinking.
I'm RH - blood type. They call it "universal " because I can donate to anyone ...+ or -. I'm compatible in other words.
I like to play in this "world" from time to time. It's fun to imagine the possibilities and the "where did this come from" idea.
Do I believe what many people believe that somehow, RH - people have some special gift or power? Do I believe that I have some Alien DNA in me?
Hardly. That kind of thinking gets on my nerves when I hear people say that they're sure ( we ) are special. I'm not in that tribe either....but I still have RH - blood.
And I still have ADHD....but yet, don't fit neatly into any package. I don't really fit to any tribe...but my unique talent ( you might say ) is to navigate all of them with relative ease.
But as far as home goes...I like the one I'm in. The one with structure. My only challenge is trying to fit myself into my SO's world....which I'm confident I can...
If only she could see what I see...it would make this a whole lot easier.
Structure or flexibility
J, that’s interesting too!
My personal desire has never been for structure. I used to be a bohemian person, taking things very casually, always late, slightly depreciative towards orderly people, until I was forced into structure by surroundings and responsibilities.
What I think would be decent of my relatives would be to either provide some structure to our time together, or some caring flexibility when lack of structure hurts me.
The children and I can’t be expected to wait endlessly for them, be on standby. I can’t offer my time and energy, rides, meals, and receive no care in return. It’s a bit humiliating.
But I guess in my relatives’ world, independent adults need no care, so the concept of caring is irrelevant.
Have tried to be less caring, but it just makes for feeling petty. I don’t have fun with people if there’s no generous exchange (ideas, warmth, validation, gifts). It’s just cold and depressing.
Non Response - Zoning Out
I also realized something I still do, that might help to not take it this personally. For me, it's a subconscious response to something that use to happen in the past ( with my mother ) which was a boundary issue.
This isn't because of my ADHD inability to concentrate, hyperfocus or distraction. This is ( was ) literally, trying to push the "off button" on the remote, to try and stop the conversation. And before I say anything....yes, this is very rude to experience.
I had to look this up again to make sure I was saying the right thing and yes, according to the definition...it's a milder form of dissociation which is what I suspected.
Here's an example of where it came from to put this into perspective.
Mom: "You need a coat, it's cold outside"
Me: "I'm not cold"
Mom: " Take a coat, it's cold "
Me: " I don't need one, I'm not cold "
Mom: " Take a coat, you need a coat, it's cold"
Me: " MOM! I'M NOT COLD ! "
Mom: "It's cold, you need a coat, take the coat."
Me: " I'M NOT COLD !!!!! "
Mom: " It's cold, you have to have a coat. Take the coat, it's cold. "
Me: ( ignoring her, walking away, without the coat )
Clearly this, this one instance doesn't really show anything other than what it seems.
What this doesn't show, is the relentless disregarding of one person...completely ignoring another person when they say no. In an ongoing way....all the time, on a daily basis. What looks like concern, turns into an invalidating of a person senses by discounting the fact that they can actually cam tell when their body says it either hot or cold.
I never realized I did this until after my mother died. Friends of mine, at my moms funeral told me how I would zone out...and just completely ignore my mom when she would chase me around the house, following me with a coat in her hand. They witnessed this in action....and watched me completely shut down.
I have no recollection of these moments ...because I was completely zoned out. I do remember the never ending battles however....and repeatedly saying "no" all the time.
Eventually, when "no" stops working...you end up pushing the "off" button inside your head.
I catch myself now, doing it on occasion, at certain times when I've had my limit of something I'm hearing. It's completely unintentional and subconscious....but the fact remains...I still do it.
But now, I catch myself, and am aware of it. Mostly, it's not a problem because I'm present enough now, to stop it when it happens.
I think this is a perfect example of a conditioned response ie: operant conditioning. The only way to stop it, is to simply be aware that you do it.
If I'm correct in saying this....that might be what you're experiencing.
And without question, when I experience it.....it just feels rude.
PS Keep in Mind
My mom ( pretty sure ) had ADHD and possibly other issues along with it when applying it to my example.
Zoning Out
I've thought about this even more, and have even more to add connecting this to attachment theory....
For now, I wanted to say this is completely subconscious. The thing that triggers it, is not necessarily even related to my story or example I gave. In fact, it may not even have anything to do with the things you're doing Swedish. Most likely, it has absolutely nothing to do with you or anything you did which is why it makes no sense.
And no, you aren't going crazy.
Unconscious conversation killing
J, that is useful. I think what I see my relatives do is zone out, often, in conversations, not only with me. Very possibly unconsciously. They aren’t frowning. It’s rather a vacant stare.
I don’t know if they just want to shut me up when they offer no validation to playful attempts at light conversation, but it seems they would be more successful with that if they spoke up themselves. They are often quiet and appear brooding. They have a certain serious tone of voice at all times.
Thank heavens I have work and friends.
Vacant Stare - Love at First Sight
Swedish, it appears you and I are both searching for the same answers at times. Asking the same questions. I definitely do not have all the answers, but in my own investigation, I believe I have some of them.
This is difficult to articulate a distilled version of what I'm thinking. Much of this is of my own creation ( or contructing a model ) but here goes. In my own words.
I believe, that there's a God, and what ever God truly is, created all animals with an instinct to survive and perpetuate their species. Part of that survival instinct, instilled in all animals is the will to live ( and thrive ) and do no harm to themselves.
Based solely on that premise, we are made, in a way to adapt to challenges and traumas. When any part of that innate ability or capacity malfunctions, it causes a detrimental effect that indivual of any species. Survival of the fittest.
So in terms of humans, we have Limbic System that helps us survive. And part of that system, is the "fight, flight, freeze fawn....and flop"
The flop is a new one to me, but it resonated deeply to something my past therapist said to me once in terms of attachment theory. This goes all the way back to infants specifically...starting with new borns.
As he described, specific to me for example. An infant, whose mother is not attuned their their babies needs....will sometimes, cause their child to just go limp, and refuse to even look at the mother.
In this particular case, the mother is doing something that's causing the child ( as with most animal species ) to play dead or appear in need of immediate assistance.
I believe, this reaction is in an effort to survive. The limbic system is activated in a way, subject to the stimuli its exposed to....to get the attention that it needs...specifically, that's its not getting. This is all part of the that innate survival system, that is God created, deep in our primitive brain.
So whether we're aware of it or not, on a subconscious level, we're all trying to survive by any means possible. When that system is disrupted, our survival chance goes down.
So based on this premise of survival...I have some thoughts and even a revelation of my own to share as a possible answer to some of the things you're witnessing. This also goes along with the notion of "tribes".
My first real girlfriend, I met in high school. It was a moment of instance recognition...a love at first sight moment. I remember it well. She was a total stranger who had just moved to my town, but something about her was totally magnetic for me. It was in her eyes. I couldn't stop staring.
I've never forgotten that feeling, and I've never forgotten her in respect, that something about her eyes were instantly recognizable. Her pupils especially, seemed dilated and larger than normal. I was instantly attracted and drawn to her eyes.
And without keeping this secret, it's the same thing with my SO. She has those eyes too...her pupils are also larger than normal and completely captivating to me. I can't stop staring at them at times...and I think they're beautiful.
And, my first girlfriend I was madly in love with...but she too, had similar behaviors to my SO right now. I've also had other girlfriends and even wives, who've shared these eyes as well. Some of them ( at least 3 ) were known ( by a mental health professional ) to be BPD.
If you think about tribes, as survival, to band together in "likes" or similarities....the ability to recognize ( physical attributes ) would be a way to select someone by what tribe they came from.
I believe, at this point in time.....my own mother had these eyes. From my very earliest bonding and attachment, her eyes were what I saw. My earliest, subconscious, connection with my own mother, were based of my ability to recognize my caregiver. The one person who would keep me alive so I could survive.
So in theory, part of my own attached ( or attraction ) are based on my own mother's eyes....as a means of recognition. That immediate feeling of safety, love, affection, and attraction...was subconsciously part of my own survival system. My ability to recognize my tribe, was programed into my subconscious memory.
This is all outside of any of our awareness. It's part of our own instinctual programming passed on through our DNA. ( put there by God ).
So without going into the massive amount of detail I could say at the moment. These physiological signs of a possibl malfunction in a person's limbic system, do to the earliest trauma an infant can sustain....causes shift in the brain to put attention where it's most needed in order to survive. If the "threat" of catastrophic extinction exist all the time, the wiring in our brains stays that way...putting the emphasis on surviving instead of thriving.
Those eyes are a physiological manifestation of the brain, in an aroused state, specially, certain parts of the brain that are there for survival.
This isn't the thinking part of the brain...it's the non-thinking part, the one that's automatic.
So when I'm saying it has nothing to to do with you, I'm absolutely sure of it. Once these mechanisms gets triggered and goes into survival mode....something else is driving that person's car. They are no longer at the wheel and I image, that look or those eyes are an indication of something happening in that person's brain.
When I think of "flop" as a survival mechanism....you might consider, playing dead ( appearing injured of hurt ) could get a mother's attention. The kind of attention that infant child is not getting?
Maybe. If any of this is right?
They are not so caring
Unlike me, the relatives in question basically don’t do caring. It seems not to be in their repertoire. I doubt any act of helplessness would make them intervene to help.
But it would possibly help if I could voice my hard feelings softer and more likeably. It’s hard because I always feel insulted by their indifference.
Swedish
Here's something you might think about. One advantage I have, is working side by side with a woman who has ADHD. Not only that, my other male coworker says his father is on the spectrum ( high functioning ) and he thinks he even might be himself. This presents some challenges for me in working as a team together ( for me )...as nighther are what I'd call team players. Especially the woman with ADHD.
In respect to you, I'm not in a romantic relationship with either of these people, but I am in a working relationship none the less. It still requires me to communicate effectively which is very difficult for me at times. I often, run into that, dazed look ( vacant ), where she ( the lady ) will just stare at you with no response. Later on, I'll hear from my other co-worker, that she took exception or had a problem with something I said.
The fact is, both of us ( my male coworker and myself ) can't always even understand why or what her issue was? Sometimes just the wording will trigger something that is beyond our understanding.
In those moments however, all I get is silence and a blank look....no acknowledgement, no validation...nothing but staring at you
I just happened to stumble onto something ( came up in my social media feed ) that really resonated with me. It's talking in terms of a mental health professional and they're client. The word " rupture" came up ...which is a very interesting way of looking at this from the out side. As I'm reading it, it's a rupture in trust and rapore between the client and the patient.
What I'm suggesting is, there's some value in using this information and applying it to yourself. I'm actually using this myself because it illuminates my own experience with my co-worker's, and especially my SO....when the conversation gets shut down, and she refuses to talk about any subject that might involve conflict or a difference of ideas. What happens, it seems, is a time period for my SO, to recover and regain trust....that I will not bring up certain subjects ...even if they're directly related to something that is extremely important to address. The very thing that needs to talked about is, in essence, not allowed to be talked about...because they become so distressing to my SO, that she basically shuts down or gets angry if you try to bring it up.
Here's what I found:
Ruptures can arise from various factors, including:
Misunderstandings or misinterpretations:
When the client or therapist does not fully understand or appreciate the other's perspective.
Personal issues or conflicts:
When the client or therapist brings personal problems into the therapy session.
Transference or countertransference:
When the client or therapist projects unresolved feelings from past relationships onto the other.
Withdrawal rupture:
The client withdraws from the therapist, becomes less engaged, or avoids discussing certain topics.
Confrontation rupture:
The client directly challenges the therapist, expresses anger or frustration, or attempts to control the therapy session.
Dissociation rupture:
The client becomes emotionally detached or numb, making it difficult to connect with the therapist.
As I'm saying this, these examples of rupture types, are clearly what I experience and what I've done in therapy myself when difficult subjects arose.
It's pretty easy for me to simply say ...these are triggers....and then, the reaction to the trigger, in various forms.
The dissociation reaction, might be what your experiencing too? As in, the blank vacant stare? Maybe?
And without question, with my female co-worker....misinterpretation is most definitely one cause. I'm also thinking, transference or countertranferance could be happening as well.
I know this because of years of experience with past coworkers where, I said or spoke to them in exactly the same way, saying exactly the same thing, about exactly the same subject.....in multiple different settings with multiple different co-workers...and never had this exact response??
In fact, I remember distinctly, two past coworkers I worked with, where, we all were speaking to each other about work related topics and subjects amd we worked quite well together as a team. These were sharing experiences where we would share discoveries and help each other perform our jobs better and more efficiently.
I suspect, that from these experiences....
Where one person may view this type of interaction as helping....another may view it as hurting or at least....taking offense.
I definitely have no intention of causing offense or upsetting my current co-worker. But I all I get is a blank stare, it tells me nothing? A blank stare is not enough feedback, to even let me know there's anything wrong?
What's especially confusing for me in this situation is the fact, that I've said the exact same thing ( multiple times ) in the past with others I've worked with, and then suddenly, there's a problem ( that won't get discussed ) and I have no idea what just happened.....or why?
I think these are possible reason why is what I'm trying to say.
I think it’s being really laid back communication-wise
This sounds really familiar, J. Some of the vocabulary you’re using isn’t known to me. However I think what the relatives might express by their blankness is what I’m saying isn’t relatable to them. It means nothing, and they are uncurious of it, and let it go. Perhaps they’re sometimes offended by it, or reminded of something painful so don’t want to listen. Or, at other times, they don’t need me to dwell on something since it’s very familiar to them, so they’re bored by what I’m saying. But instead of sparing me the embarrassment they give no hint of this but listen me out and then give the verbal equivalent of a shrug. Whatever their reason is for being blank and giving no acknowledgement, the result looks much the same.
This is being extremely laid back communication-wise in my opinion. They could bring up a subject of their own if they are so deeply uninterested. But they seldom do. I see very little attempts on their part to walk over the bridge to me.
It makes me feel unhappy and depreciated. I would perceive their behavior as purely dismissive if there weren’t their apparent unawareness. But would they want to spend time with people who give out nothing? Who would?
It's Difficult to Know
What you're experiencing exactly ? I know for myself, it's just frustrating when people aren't open. It feels like they are keeling secrets but I know that's not really it. I think trust has something to do with it ( in general ) and possibly being introverted as another component.
I know my SO says she doesn't always understand me when I communicate, and I, in turn, don't always understand her ? I mean literally, don't understand the words she uses to express herself. I'm going off of the fact, that I'm usually quite good at understanding language, understanding people with heavy accents or use the incorrect words because English is a second language...picking up meaning, in context, to gain understanding. I'd say I'm possibly above average in that respect, especially with written word.
So I don't always assume I'm not being clear or not making myself understood....I don't have problems, in a general sense, with social situations where I'm having trouble following people ( in general )...or they have trouble following me? At the very least, I can adjust, or reword something when they seem like they're not understanding. I guess that's social cues ? I'm not saying I've always been this way, buy I've learned over time.
So I don't really get the blank stare look either, which appears as a social cue, that they don't understand or not getting it? And, possibly need more information to go on?
Saying nothing and staring at you tells you nothing? I don't get it exactly, but I have some thoughts as to why.
I do know one thing for sure. My SO's low frustration tolerance makes her aggravated whether you don't understand her...or her...not understanding me...either way. She'll just get angry when she can't do either ( understand or articulate )...which is also frustrating for me at times.
I've learned, not to say anything as a response....intentionally...so the conversation doesn't go sideways regardless of the subject matter.
I guess at the end of the day, it just makes you feel disconnected, because no connection was made. I understand that, it can make you feel alone.
Exactly
That’s it J. It’s a social cue they don’t master.
you could be describing my inlaws
everything on their terms, whenever it suited them, with no thought to other people’s schedules, needs or preferences. Others’ plans being overridden and deprioritised even when they are clearly important (eg grandkids’ college assignments vs their preferred lunch plans). Turning up two hours early, or late, or unannounced or not at all. It was, with them, i realise, the raging ADHD that at least two of their sons inherited. Son also like this and complict in parents’ behaviour.
My only solution was to adopt some of their behaviour- be selfish, stand my ground on my own and my kids’ behalf. Say no to stuff I wouldn’t accept, sometimes be deliberately out if I thought they might call by.
I’m a bit relieved
I’m a bit relieved not to be alone in this.
That’s it precisely: two hours late, or early, unannounced, or not at all…