I have cried this weekend about what I perceive is ADHD-tinged relatives doing everything on their terms only.
Then again, I may be steeped into codependency and therefore have an odd sense of how people interact. I’m trying to understand the panic I feel in the face of non-negotiation.
As a parent of three and wife in a two-decade unfortunate ADD marriage, I’ve been putting in a lot of energy and tried to find what’s best for everybody in everyday decisions. If I do something with somebody, I adjust to that person. I expect adjustment to be mutual.
My relatives, however, all live alone and do everything on their individual terms. They have clear boundaries and no wish to compromise. They only seem to think of people as independent individuals.
Practically this means not sharing needs or expectations explicitly beforehand when doing things together, not making plans including a set time, not sticking with plans or time if I invite them to something, not synchronizing activities, transport or meals, not waiting for others, not considering or asking what others would prefer. I think my relatives like the undefined, allowing them to do what they please when they please, feeling it’s the natural organic way of doing things. It might well be for single people with a lot of time and freedom. It’s not for me. I need control of my time and energy to manage life.
These days I’m experiencing burnout symptoms and have to be careful. Was reminded this weekend that relatives aren’t prepared to adjust to me. When I’d already lent myself to an arrangement not well defined in advance and which turned out not to work for me, they just informed me their preferences didn’t align with mine. That was that. I was stuck far from home in the countryside late at night and didn’t have my own car. It was all on their initiative and apparently on their terms, but they hadn’t told me any of those terms, so how should I have known?
Do I always have to insist on a clear-cut agreed plan in advance with these relatives, rather than expect them to adjust to me? But they explicitly refuse all clear-cut plans, and the request clearly annoys them.
I feel shattered today. These kind well intended people just show me by their minute actions that there is no room for my needs. They don’t understand why I’m upset and I guess they just think I’m high maintenance. Which feels sort of unfair since I’m the one who does massive maintenance work all the time.
Talking to them about this has led to nothing. I tell them their actions make me feel I matter less than everybody else. They don’t reply to this at all. They just ignore me.
Very possibly it now takes little to make me upset, since there have been countless situations like this. I now feel difficult and irrational, but at the same time know that is not the whole truth.
Does anybody have advice for me? I’m losing it today…
