Forum topic: Bandaids on train wrecks

I’ve been scrutinizing my own behavior too, trying to take responsibility for marriage decline. 

Later, I’ve come to the conclusion there’s not so much point in blaming myself. It’s not even very useful to blame the ADD ex.

When one’s marriage is a prison of emotional hurt, inability to understand the other and ADHD dysfunction, one won’t ever be able to behave like a person who is loved, respected, and has an understanding of the world like a place of logic, balance and peace. It’s all clenched teeth, rushes of panic, feelings of impending doom. I think it does something profound to one’s abilities. 

Now, after divorce and some healing, I grieve the marriage. Yesterday, at Sunday dinner with the kids, I missed their father. I wished he were there with us. 

It’s because of my own intention that has always been to love him and prioritize him. That’s still me. 

And then I thought about how I’d fought to save the marriage, and how hopeless it was. I simply couldn’t change the downward spiral, no matter how how much support I sought, therapy for us, how much self care I pushed into my days. The stress of his symptoms disfigured me and also made me powerless. And a lot less pleasant than I’d like to be. For instance, I had absolutely no patience with people in general. I was critical, angry and ungrateful.

I guess I just want to say: Don’t be hard on yourself. His ADHD is out of your control. What you need are probably just circumstances that will allow you to be the lovely person you really are. 

"do you actually want to be together?!?!?!" "Are you willing to do the work to stay together??" 

Something happened to me last week that was unplanned. I don't know if this is related but it sounds like it is.  This was something my last therapist told me that I've never forgotten.  He said "You should always be ready to leave. No matter where you are, or who you're with, you should always be ready to walk away."

For me, this is a gigantic order. It challenges ever inch of my being right to the core. To always be ready, means, you've got to be prepared. I remembered this recently, and quickly determined I was not. No big surprise.  So, I set about becoming that way mentally which has a profound effect on your perceptions and your feelings.

Last week, after doing this prep work, an incident happened that made me realize certain things were never going to change and....could I tolerate this status quo indefinitely.  In a moment of feeling especially brave, I wrote my SO a long text and told her I wasn't coming home. This wasn't an ultimatum or some form of manipulation either. I had mentally left....and now I was actually talking the first step out the door.

To do this, it requires a profound shift or change in your thinking. It requires you to mentally "move" from where you are, to a place unknown. It's definitely not am ultimatum where it requires your partner from doing anything. You're not asking them to change in fact, you're asking them for anything.  

You're basically put them on notice that you've made a decision and you are acting on it....in a kind of....step one kind of way. But, you have basically ( positionally) changed direction moving away from where you are now, even if you have no where to go.

And that's what I did.  So ( for me ) to answer your first question: "Are you willing to do the work to stay together??" 

I answered it for her...and the answer was no.  In my text...I basically outlined all the things that indicated that she just wasn't that happy with me because of all the ways ( her actions ) that proved that to me. I was very honest and sincere and wasn't playing the victim. I was just telling her straight up....here are all your actions that tell me that I'm just not suited to you, and how, the way I am, just makes you crazy, angry and upset. 

These are all the things that I cannot normally talk to her about because she shuts me down and won't discuss them. I was just being open and honest and nothing more. I was expecting the worst, and ready to walk away. It was not an ultimatum because I was ready to keep on walking.

All I did say was ( in a nut shell ) ...that "I clearly have different feelings for you, than you do for me and it's also clear to me that its been that way for some time"  I told her, if it was my choice, I'd have it be different but that's not the case it seems. 

I also went through and admitted everything I do to cause her ( to go crazy ) and she's not the only one. I even included my parents ( family ) friends and ex girlfriends and wives who've all mentioned the same things saying "So you're not alone...I do understand"

The important part of this text was that I was actually saying goodbye. It was written from that point of view so I was not blaming her for anything.  I was simply taking responsibility for what was mine, and not making it about her...saying " I wish I wasn't this way...but the fact is ...I'm just who I am"...

I didn't say this specifically but I was admitting that in respect to the "making her crazy" part...I can't not have ADHD, which means ( specifically ) I can't completely stop doing these things that make her crazy and those things cause her to be upset and unhappy. 

*in reality. We could have a great deal to say on this topic if it were allowed if  we  [both] could be open and honest. But, that basically cannot happen if she is not willing to do so. The answer "no" to your first question.

So I was basically in tears by the time I finished my text and just left it open for her to decide which direction I was headed.

And she basically said....come home. You drive me crazy, but I love you.

So that basically, sort of....answered your second question "do you actually want to be together?!?!?!" ".

Which is why I shared this with you. For me, I just answered your first question for her and told her all the reasons why. It wasn't a threat.....I was actually moving away by taking the first step. I wasn't trying to get away from her, I was moving towards somewhere where I felt welcomed and not causing anyone to be upset which my, so called, "energy". That's what my ex-wife called it, so I used that example of me, understanding the effect that can have on someone. 

*I wasn't saying me, I was saying "my energy" ...because that's what others have referred to it as in differing forms or words.

Again, this isn't "playing the victim". This was me, simply be honest and admitting my parts including what others have said. I wasn't trying to make her feel quilts of using any form of emotional manipulation. I was actually already gone in my mind....or at least....I was "ready to walk away".

That is one of the most challenging things for me to do. It goes directly up against my worst fears and all my insecurities so for me....this was extremely difficult and very emotional.  

I literally had no intentions other than to just get it out there, which she wasn't allowing me to do. So I did, at the same time as  I was walking away. I definitely didn't want to do it and it was not what I wanted. But she was really not giving me any other choice and I was not being heard. 

So I guess, I got her attention, and she heard me. And I got an answer.

FYI: This all was in relationship to me, trying to communicate with her by text, and she shut me down again when I called her...then went on to tell me how ( listed ) all these  things she didn't like about me. ( again ). I just sat in silence and listened and waited until she was done.  Then remained in silence until she said "Hello?" All I said was...."I was just waiting to see if you were finished?" Then we got off the phone.  And that text was my reply. To put some context to this.

So like I said, it wasn't planned. The planning was doing all the work first, to be ready "to walk away ".  I just took that opportunity to actually start physically moving in a different direction.  She still had the choice to say "keep on going ".

I will say, things have been amazingly better since then. In respect to this shift for the better.....I can only say that was the right choice however, how I feel and what that has done ( for me ) has completely changed. Having to do that, and go to to that length was both good and not so good ...but the end result is better.  

I'll take that as a win simply because I was able to be heard. For me, it's about acceptance and undeterstanding. I have a real difficult time accepting what I can't understand.  That's something I can do something about.