I woke up this morning with the realisation ive/we've been putting bandaids on òur train wreck of a marriage. I kinda knew it deep down but for some reason today, i felt compelled to journal this morning (somethig i dont really enjoy or do much).
anyone who has followed my story knows there's a lot to it, but stripping away all the traumas and issues, I know that at the end of the day I can only control what I can control - myself and my actions and my words and my behaviour....thats it. And yet, I find myself absolutely stone paralysed in bringing myself to ask a single question, address an issue or bring up anything that has to do with our marriage. I want so badly to ask my adhd spouse "do you actually want to be together?!?!?!" "Are you willing to do the work to stay together??"
It's my own traumas and upbringing and all that whoch is keeping me stuck - but I'm in therapy and I do so much already - good things too for myself and my mental health....however, if thid relationship is my single biggest source of unhappiness.....why can't I get the guts to start addressing it???
Im not sure anyone of us can answer this question for anyone else other than themselves to be fair, but I feel so stranded on an island but that its a self inflicted stranding....I am not blaming or owning our full issues in the marriage but I do recognise it takes 2. I'm just as much a part of it.
We are currently waiting for an assessment of our son who is 11 yo ...but its for autism which shocks me to be honest. And I can't help but wonder if I'm waiting for another thing out of my control to help me steer this train wreck on course instead of addressing it and facing it head on.
Not sure what I'm hoping to grt back on here in regards to comments. I think im just wondering if anyone else feels the same or has felt the same. And maybe how you got unstuck?? I feel like I am in quick sand.
Comments
What’s possible
I’ve been scrutinizing my own behavior too, trying to take responsibility for marriage decline.
Later, I’ve come to the conclusion there’s not so much point in blaming myself. It’s not even very useful to blame the ADD ex.
When one’s marriage is a prison of emotional hurt, inability to understand the other and ADHD dysfunction, one won’t ever be able to behave like a person who is loved, respected, and has an understanding of the world like a place of logic, balance and peace. It’s all clenched teeth, rushes of panic, feelings of impending doom. I think it does something profound to one’s abilities.
Now, after divorce and some healing, I grieve the marriage. Yesterday, at Sunday dinner with the kids, I missed their father. I wished he were there with us.
It’s because of my own intention that has always been to love him and prioritize him. That’s still me.
And then I thought about how I’d fought to save the marriage, and how hopeless it was. I simply couldn’t change the downward spiral, no matter how how much support I sought, therapy for us, how much self care I pushed into my days. The stress of his symptoms disfigured me and also made me powerless. And a lot less pleasant than I’d like to be. For instance, I had absolutely no patience with people in general. I was critical, angry and ungrateful.
I guess I just want to say: Don’t be hard on yourself. His ADHD is out of your control. What you need are probably just circumstances that will allow you to be the lovely person you really are.