I asked him | ADHD and Marriage

Forum:

I actually asked him.

I texted my ADD ex husband I was considering a new serious relationship, told him I’ve loved him and haven’t wanted divorce. I asked to know if there were any possibility of us resolving our conflicts and reuniting. I told him I can’t repair what’s happened to our relationship, but he could.

Yesterday my child wept, lying on my chest, that they want the family to be together. I can’t start something new unless I’m certain there’s no misunderstanding and no hope of reconciliation.

I felt I needed to do it. I need to be able to step into the future without regrets.

Thank you all for helping me think about this.

Comments

He answered

The texting with him today has made me desperately sad. It also confirmed I’ve lived a confusing nightmare with him.

Turns out he grieves me, has loved me, hasn’t been able to move on, thinks about me every day. But he sees no future for us together. However, he wants peace and to see me to work together for the children.

He apparently has NO IDEA of how much he’s hurt me. I discover texting for a few hours with him makes me entirely disheveled and deeply upset. I can’t bear to see him or talk on the phone and said so.

This is trauma, and apparently one-sided too. He seems to trust me. He states he’s failed entirely to make me happy for many years and can’t bear to live like that any longer. Since he cares about me. He’s even happy for me that there’s someone new on the horizon, though it pains him, he says.

Imagine I needed to confirm this. Left to my own devices long enough, I started to believe my capacity and my needs mattered in our relationship. With him, no capacity but his will ever make any difference.

Well now you have your answer

You have your answer. I hope you can move on with no regrets. Please don’t let fantasies of what might have been ruin what lies in front of you. You promised yourself to move on if you knew you did everything you could. Please honor that promise you made to your future self. Start looking forward to the joy of a new relationship! Welcome to your new life!

Thank you Sickandtired

I so appreciate your reply.

Am shaken today by how severely messed up I seem to be.

Why is it that the unsafety of his ADD mind is also home? A million interactions of intimacy, family jokes, shared values, shared stories. I tell his anecdotes. I make his observations.

The idea of partnering up with a new person seems so strange. And frightening too. Somebody on the forum advised me not to pursue love for some good stretches of time yet. And then this person shows up, and wants something from me. Very patiently, but still.

Meeting them tonight, not knowing if I’m brave or stupid.

Fear

Just take it slow. Don’t overshare your recent divorce. Don’t project what you are looking for on to this new person. Let him know you have kids, but don’t introduce them until you know this person much better. You don’t want to jump outof the frying pan into the fire. But having said that, you feel scared because you are stepping out of your comfort zone into a role (a first date) that is very unfamiliar to you. Just relax and enjoy.

Good advice

Thank you Sickandtired, that’s good advice.

someone else’s stories

I know what you mean about the shared stories and jokes. It’s the patina of time that builds up on any long relationship. It doesn’t indicate love - just time passing. I found myself thinking, of these things, Do i really think that? Is that mine? Do I believe that’s trune? I’ve started to scrape away those layers to find the woodgrain underneath.

Important work

Separating oneself identity-wise sounds very healthy.

I enjoy being alone now, choosing my guests and entertainment, journaling, finding time to read, reflect, paint, talk endlessly on the phone whenever I want.

It feels like the enriched and varied company is shaping my new identity. Part of the problem of living rather isolated with severe ADD in your partner is the condition seems contagious. Not the functioning, but perception of what’s possible, enough, too much.

I cherish life on my own. But I also long for love and support.

This chimes so much

I know this - I’ve felt it in the past, how impossible things were, the massive weight of inertia. I could not face doing a thing. Even a trip to the cinema seemed too much. But in the past few days, capacity has opened up - I’m racing through the chores - mine and the few ones he did do and the ones he never did - but also I feel I can open out towards the world. Book a trip. Make plans. I feel lighter and capable and keen to do things. The weight of inertia has lifted.

Exactly!

You describe it so well honestly.

It sounds like you’ve gotten out in time, before your spirits were squashed by inertia. I feel sometimes I wasn’t quick enough. You should see me travel these days for instance. I make stress mistakes - miss trains, go to the wrong gate, lose a passport in a cab in a foreign country… I’m a complete mess as soon as I leave my routines and familiar surroundings. Stress has put a permanent mark on my brain.

Good you sensed your limits in time!

He’s afraid

He adds he’s terrified by the thought of reuniting with me since he thinks he’ll disappoint me entirely again.

That is certainly a valid point.

Reconciling will not be possible without a therapist who can prevent him from blowing up once I remind him of the hurtful things he’s done. If those things can’t be mentioned, that’s not true reconciliation but just placating of his ego, I won’t have that.

You told him he could repair the relationship...

I'm proud of you for reaching out...I can see his thinking in his reply...He feels hopeless to ever attain to a level of behavior (be the person) that would suit you...No matter his feelings toward you...It's a real hard place that ADD (any minds for that matter) minds can find themselves...They accept the difference's more readily than a non...Because they are usually the winner...Do less, play more, etc...And because they can be the target of our disdain (the child) when responsibilities are ignored for more frivolous ventures...We think that's a problem...They demand it's life...So, he say's no future...Not going to a place where the person I love's expectations make us miserable...And sure don't see myself adapting to thinking that I failed at (possible learned to hate) for years?? Not getting back on that merry go round...

My friend called today, (we had a friend date Friday, movie and dinner) she wanted to know if I wanted to walk (It was beautiful here today)...I was cooking a pot of Spaghetti sauce and took her some...We had a good walk and talk, we actually have been friends for years, (former co-worker)...I think we have come to a good understanding about our friendship...It's way too soon for me to think about romance, after 17 years of the bad stuff (even though I had accepted it and placed self protecting boundaries for years)...She's just not ready for any romance either...(ex was an alcoholic and narcissist, she had it rough also)....But it's like the minute we understood each other, and what we are going to be (good friends) she just softened toward me...Maybe I just haven't experienced any level of effort and excitement directed toward me (by a single adult female) in so long, I don't know how to recognize how it is suppose to be?...Or she is one of the sweetest people I've ever knew...Probably a little of both...

When I meet her to walk...I told her my ex, was at the house loading up more of her stuff...She looked at me...And said want she follow you if she thinks you are meeting someone?...:)....I just said we haven't been related for two weeks, and I don't care if she does, I with you!...That seemed to make her feel content...She did me the same way at the theater...I asked her as we walked in, would she be ok if we run into mutual friends? She was almost insulted...She let me know, I'm with you!....That kind of attitude will flush insecurities out of a man...We love so many of the same things...She said she wants to lose 10 lbs...So we got a small popcorn and I asked her about candy....And she mentioned the weight loss thing....She said, but, if I was going to get candy, I would get milkduds...LOL...My favorite of course....Anyway I want bore you any longer...But I'm so happy to be free from the suffering of having a spouse, that lived like she wasn't one, and my life as husband, being meaningless...

I’m so happy for you!

C, I’m thrilled to hear it.

The sweetness of that interaction you describe with your new friend!

I hope you’ll both be very happy.

Forum topic: I asked him