I actually asked him.
I texted my ADD ex husband I was considering a new serious relationship, told him I’ve loved him and haven’t wanted divorce. I asked to know if there were any possibility of us resolving our conflicts and reuniting. I told him I can’t repair what’s happened to our relationship, but he could.
Yesterday my child wept, lying on my chest, that they want the family to be together. I can’t start something new unless I’m certain there’s no misunderstanding and no hope of reconciliation.
I felt I needed to do it. I need to be able to step into the future without regrets.
Thank you all for helping me think about this.
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Comments
He answered
The texting with him today has made me desperately sad. It also confirmed I’ve lived a confusing nightmare with him.
Turns out he grieves me, has loved me, hasn’t been able to move on, thinks about me every day. But he sees no future for us together. However, he wants peace and to see me to work together for the children.
He apparently has NO IDEA of how much he’s hurt me. I discover texting for a few hours with him makes me entirely disheveled and deeply upset. I can’t bear to see him or talk on the phone and said so.
This is trauma, and apparently one-sided too. He seems to trust me. He states he’s failed entirely to make me happy for many years and can’t bear to live like that any longer. Since he cares about me. He’s even happy for me that there’s someone new on the horizon, though it pains him, he says.
Imagine I needed to confirm this. Left to my own devices long enough, I started to believe my capacity and my needs mattered in our relationship. With him, no capacity but his will ever make any difference.
Well now you have your answer
You have your answer. I hope you can move on with no regrets. Please don’t let fantasies of what might have been ruin what lies in front of you. You promised yourself to move on if you knew you did everything you could. Please honor that promise you made to your future self. Start looking forward to the joy of a new relationship! Welcome to your new life!
Thank you Sickandtired
I so appreciate your reply.
Am shaken today by how severely messed up I seem to be.
Why is it that the unsafety of his ADD mind is also home? A million interactions of intimacy, family jokes, shared values, shared stories. I tell his anecdotes. I make his observations.
The idea of partnering up with a new person seems so strange. And frightening too. Somebody on the forum advised me not to pursue love for some good stretches of time yet. And then this person shows up, and wants something from me. Very patiently, but still.
Meeting them tonight, not knowing if I’m brave or stupid.
Fear
Just take it slow. Don’t overshare your recent divorce. Don’t project what you are looking for on to this new person. Let him know you have kids, but don’t introduce them until you know this person much better. You don’t want to jump outof the frying pan into the fire. But having said that, you feel scared because you are stepping out of your comfort zone into a role (a first date) that is very unfamiliar to you. Just relax and enjoy.
Good advice
Thank you Sickandtired, that’s good advice.
someone else’s stories
I know what you mean about the shared stories and jokes. It’s the patina of time that builds up on any long relationship. It doesn’t indicate love - just time passing. I found myself thinking, of these things, Do i really think that? Is that mine? Do I believe that’s trune? I’ve started to scrape away those layers to find the woodgrain underneath.
Important work
Separating oneself identity-wise sounds very healthy.
I enjoy being alone now, choosing my guests and entertainment, journaling, finding time to read, reflect, paint, talk endlessly on the phone whenever I want.
It feels like the enriched and varied company is shaping my new identity. Part of the problem of living rather isolated with severe ADD in your partner is the condition seems contagious. Not the functioning, but perception of what’s possible, enough, too much.
I cherish life on my own. But I also long for love and support.
He’s afraid
He adds he’s terrified by the thought of reuniting with me since he thinks he’ll disappoint me entirely again.
That is certainly a valid point.
Reconciling will not be possible without a therapist who can prevent him from blowing up once I remind him of the hurtful things he’s done. If those things can’t be mentioned, that’s not true reconciliation but just placating of his ego, I won’t have that.