6 Staycation Tips for ADHD Couples

I think this is really good advice, and I can speak of my own experience with this as a means to do so.  I also wanted to point out something that I have more recently come to understand and this speaks to me about myself compared to what I see happening with my wife in terms of denial.  Denial is not a bad thing all by itself.  I think it's good to be able to see things as not either "good" or "bad" and fall into the same trap that everyone falls into whether you have ADHD or not.  No one is immune from normal human responses to things and people with ADHD are not from an alien planet.  I can liken this to cooking soup in the kitchen.  A little salt, will add flavor to the soup and keep it from being bland in taste.  Salt is, after all, a flavour enhancer it excites your taste buds to increase the richness of all the other ingredients of any dish you make or eat. As just a side note for any cooks out there who don't know this already, a close friend of mine who is a professional chef, also taught me that vinegar ( of all things ) can be used as a substitute for salt which when I first heard that I went ( yuk!! )...vinegar in my soup?  The same is true as he said, using lemon juice or citric acid to enhance the flavor of anything food you prepare where salt is called for instead?  I had never thought of that before?  What do these things all have in common?  They are flavor enhancers and all do the same thing.  Not just add a new flavor, but to enhance, all the flavors of the dish including adding a little of their own unique flavor to it, in its own way?  And as soon as I tried his suggestions and used both of these things in dishes I would not normally use them as a salt substitute, I found that not only was he right, but it changed the entire dishes overall flavor in a very surprising and pleasing way?  It definitely tasted different, but different in a good way?  I could make the same exact dish, with salt or vinegar..and they both taste good and it was hard to pick one that I liked better than the other.  It was also a good healthy means to reduce salt in your diet and for someone who is a "salt-a-holic", it's a great way not to lose flavor and to reduce the overall salt you eat if that is a concern. That's because of what these things do, they "enhance" flavor, with the added benefit of having a flavor of their own?

I'm not bringing in the cooking lesson as a tangent to what I'm about to say but it directly related to what I've discovered in exactly the same way for myself and really, it's the perfect means to explain something here that everyone can relate to.  In exactly the same way with cooking....if the flavor enhancer itself...has a flavor that can be overpowering, you run the risk of using too much...and ruining the entire dish.  Once you add too much salt, too much vinegar or too much citric acid or lemon juice.... the second you go past that perfect place where you don't taste it but it's working as it should, to make the entire dish taste better. But now, with respect to too much....all you can taste is this dominating flavor and in the case of too much salt, and the soup becomes not edible anymore?  Not that is you had too or you were starving hungry, that it will hurt you of course...but it becomes so unappetizing to think of "salt soup" as the dominate flavor all by itself, that you might only eat it....if it was the only left to eat and you were that hungry and needed some food.  I don't know about anyone else, but I've had my share of ruined dishes I've made that I ended up just throwing it away and starting over again?  It was so overpoweringly dominated with the taste of salt, or vinegar or lemon juice or anything of this kind...the dish was simply ruined to the point that I couldn't even eat it.  The whole thing was a complete catastrophe which is where I learned my lesson in "quantity" vs "quality" when applying any of these things.  But to the point of saying.....that if you simply eliminated them all together...the soup will taste bland and lack any real excitement like eating a bowl of boiled beans all by itself with no other ingredients if you can imagine.  If all you had to live on was rice or beans with nothing else added, the enjoyment of food as something you enjoy eating would pretty much boil down to starving or not?  It would not be very satisfying, to say the least? 

So in respect to flavor enhancer, I can apply this directly to denial...as just a means to use it in the same way.  A little bit, will go a long way...but it does serve a purpose that is beneficial at times..but only when you need it...and when you don't...it serves no real good purpose.  This is where I can tie this together along with the things that Melissa has said here as well.  Before I knew I even had ADHD...I certainly lived my life with my own success's and failures and it has been a mixed bag of times both good and bad as I recall.  But to simply say that someone who has ADHD is automatically "IN DENIAL"  is really approaching this in the wrong way?  "Denial" as a defence mechanism...is a useful protection to have?  If you didn't have this ability....you would experience every painful thing in your life fully with no other form of anaesthetic to compensate for the pain or shock of things that cause us to suffer whatever they may be.  When it working as it should it allows you to keep functioning and moving forward without missing a beat. In a positive way.....just like salt, it's neither a good thing or a bad thing...unless there's too much.  No salt what so ever....the soup is bland.  No denial what so ever....and you'd be a basket case at the drop of a hat?

What happens however...and this is where my own experience comes in now looking back in retrospect to my own home life situation ..and me being the "hyperactive" type ADHD?  For me, and I do remember this extremely well..there were times when I was literally dying on the vine.  The world I was born into for me, was like living inside a morgue.  For me, it felt like I was a POW of war who was put in a cell and given a diet that only consisted or white rice, or a bowl of beans or "bread and water" to eat and that was my life.  I was imprisoned on a starvation diet or apathy, painful silence and nothing ever happened.  The was no action.  No excitement and no fun for all intensive purposes.  The environment seemed sterile, unfertile and desolate like the dessert.  It was too peaceful....nothing new or adventurous and always the same.  For me, it was groundhog day in the open dessert..with nothing but sand in all directions as far as the eye could see. Lifeless...like living in a vacuum of outer space and nothingness all around me.  Dead. And I was slowly dying with it...to match the energy level it felt like for me.  This is not an exaggeration what so ever and many times...I just wanted to die and get it over with.  I would simply drift off into a silent world of outer space and nothing but the smell of death all around me?  I literally was slowly fading into grey and becoming invisible and transparent.  Each day, I lost a bit of myself ...sitting imprisoned in a cell with a dirt floor and a bowl of rice or a piece of bread us all I had to eat.  I was merely subsisting.  I was alive of course, but my purpose was mere to exit and nothing else. And in the same way, I was merely on a subsistence diet of just being barely enough, to keep myself alive?  My life was a slow death...and the only reason to live was simply....so I wouldn't die and nothing else.
In contrast...and apparently to me....The "sedation"...of a "sedentary" lifestyle....just did not work for me.  It was like the movie..."One Flew Over the Cuckoos Next"...where the patients in the mental ward walked around like Zombies and filed up in line to take their daily dose of sedatives which put them into a stupor or "fog" as big "Chief Bromdan" described if you have ever read the book.  And if you can picture the scenes inside the ward, where they soothing elevator music playing in the back ground..and a card game was the most exciting thing that happened on any given day.  Soothing, peaceful, calm and serene....no conflicts, not problems...but no life what so ever.  Slow death...as the Cheif Bromden described it.  As I recall the book and how Ken Kesey wrote from the eyes of this Native American in-patient said. " I saw my father who was started out as a "Chief" of my people...he was a "Big Man"... who I watched slowly become smaller and smaller until he finally disappeared."  And as describe his own life at the time in the mental ward he said that he lived "in a fog" and everything was "cloudy and surreal" and he was just like a Zombie and he just existed.  In fact, the point of the book and the entire premise of the story was describing this very thing to a T.  And then one day.....along comes "McMurphy" ( enter Jack Nicholson )...and he brought life, excitement and adventure to a group of "existers" who were medicated and sedated to the point of non-existence for the only purpose of keeping them all in line and preventing them for becoming agitated and hostile which was what happened when McMurphy introduced 'fun, excitement, and adventure" to their midst.  And of course, the Villain in this story was not McMurphy in this case.  The Villain...was nurse Ratchet....the strict disciplinarian..and keeper of the peace and all that was "pleasant".  "Pleasantry" is like "Godliness"...and everything was "Nice.

And in an exact corollary to the story of Chief Bromden and McMurphy....in the end, McMurphy was given a Lobotomy and electric "shock" treatments which made him "small" as the Cheif described him...which in effect, he died as the person that the Chief saw in him.  And in that very moving scene at the end of the movie...the Cheif became "Big Again" and gained his power back, and lifted the huge marble sink from the bathroom, and carried it over to the barred and locked windows and threw it through it and broke free from his prison and as Kesey described it....'' when the fog " was lifted.  In the climax to the story....is when the Chief escaped to freedom from his prison...in the most literal sense of the word.

If you have never read the book .."One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" by Ken Kesey...then I might recomend it to anyone just to get an idea of what I am talking about.  It was one of the most profound books I had ever read in Jr High School and it spoke directly to my own experience through the eyes of Chief Bromden ( in the book only ... not the movie )  The entire book was a narrative, through the eyes of Chief Bromden and his life experiences and is describing what he saw, and how he saw it and all the event that took place before and after McMurphy arrived.  I identified with him so much, that nothing else could do a better job of explaining how my life was growing up as a child in my home life at home...and what it was like to escape and be free.  Not only escape and be free of the prison of "pleasantry" and "Nice"...to the world outside where life existed....compared to the slow death that is was for me...at home inside my house.  And in exactly the same way...I chose "live"...instead of "death"...and I went from the fog of living in a sterile "dessert"  where I was "small" and 'non existent'....to becoming "Big" again...and experiencing "life" on the outside...but only until I returned to the morgue of death and slowly started to die again.  Every day I stayed in the prison...I became smaller and smaller and the fog become unbearable until I was just fading into the grey of "non-existence" and "death" and deep dark depression.

So to end this, I will say...that for me....this is exactly what my life was like.  A choice between "life" and "death"..and I chose "life" at every opportunity.  I since I had the opportunity....I escaped "death" and cheated death as often as I could.  I exited the program entirely...and discovered what "life" was all about.  Any fears of challenges that I faced and any painful moments that I did run into....were always weighed against the "slow death" from where I came...and returning to a life of sedentary ..sedation...and tranquil sterile solicitude of the "fog" as I saw it and experienced this myself.  I stayed away from my home and house....as much, and as often as I could possibly do..and I became very good at finding fun and adventure and "Life"...outside my home.  I learned how to become "BIG"....and how to escape from the "fog of death" that was my home life growing up..and that was my talent and skill that I learned how to do in order to "live" and not "die"....it was as simple of a choice for me as that.  I became an expert of "fun".."excitement'...and "adventure"...which was how I made friends who gravitated to me to me, for this very reason.  I was the "chairman of the board" in terms of becoming "activity director" or even "action director"  and knowing every way possible of having and fun and interesting activities and adventure...with no parental involvement or restrictions in place to prevent it. For me,  that appeared to be the same "spice of life" that my friends enjoyed as well.  I cannot even imagine...sitting and playing video games...since the operand word...is "sitting" and "pushing buttons".  For me...."sedentary" was "sedation"...and slow death and becoming small and living in the "fog" with the stench of death all around me...which in my case....I chose "Life" over "death" and I saved my own life that way?  I saved myself from "death"...and that is exactly how I did it.  By escaping....just like Chief Bromden did when he became BIG again and reclaimed his destiny in the book.

So in respect to this list of things and the purpose it serves....I cannot emphasise enough...how important this is.  This was how I saved my life...in exactly the same way.  The two lines I might point out for me only is the only place that I take exception, but I think I do know why that is.   "Spontaneity often leads to less stress when someone with ADHD is involved." and "but don't over schedule the actual event."  I can see the value in taking this advice as written.  I cannot say that works for me ( or did work ) but I do understand why that is.  First......over planning or over scheduling an activity so there is no uncertainty and things being "prescribed" ahead of time.  Only as a child again...from that same perspective as well.  This was the equivlent....to "death"  for me?  This is exactly what my mother use to do..and she would plan the "life" out of any adventure and take all spontaneity away.  Spontaneity...and "living in the moment" was the main spice that gave "life" to the very best days that I can ever recall of remembering.  The best days in life....were the very ones you didn't;t plan for.  No plans, no schedules no itinerary list to follow.  Just free forming and jumping off the cliff and see where you will land?  Nothing is the same. Nothing is every expected or predictable.  Life is a pure adventure...and you never know what you will get.  Like...every day is your birthday...and you won;t know what's inside the package until you open it with a big surprise waiting for you.  Nothing is certain...nothing is predictable and everything is always a surprise.  I LOVE SURPRISES!!!  And that's true for me to this very day.  There is no adventure...when you know what's coming....so if it's adventure you want...then there is no way to plan for that?

So here's how I can ties this all together again and going back to my original statement and example about "salt"  as my way to do this?  If I think back to those times and how I felt and thought about things...I did experience stress under those totally spontaneous situations as a kid....but when you go back to what I was saying as the alternative being "death"...that that stress just becomes and annoyance or an inconvenience standing in your way.  When the choice becomes that simple and the choice is clear...then "life" before "death" becomes an easy choice to make?  Did I experience stress in these spontaneous situations?  Oh my yes...with a great deal of trepidation and fear to go with it.  Did I allow that to stop me or make me hesitate from doing it and learning to overcome those things?  Oh my goodness yes....the choice was that simple to make.  This is what I never understood as my mother used to say to me.  As she would always say...."you are a brave little kiddo ".  And simply saying it this way....I never thought myself as "brave" in the face of all that fear and anxiety.  You get used to it.  It just goes with the experience ( or territory) itself..and you learn to overcome your fears.  I can only say that this was a process over time and it didn't happen overnight...but with me, I got a lot of practice " being brave" I guess but only as my mother saw it?  I didn't see it at all as being brave...I saw it as a means for survival..and "a man's gottat do, what a man's gotta do."  I did get that one told to me from my dad a lot...so I just combined those little "ditties" in my head to remind what I needed to do and how I was able to do it, despite the challenges it created. But once you make that decision and you bound by it and committed to it.....then really nothing would stand in my way of "living" over "dying" and the choice was always the same.  Practice makes perfect I guess and I got a lot of practice for sure.

So to end my accounting of this myself and just to throw one more insight into this, this last like on the one...that resounded exponentially for me.  When I read this I went ( OMG!!  Oh Frabtious Day....Callou Callay!!!  lol ) 

"Your staycation may well need to be active.  Particularly if you are a partner with the "H" part of ADHD, it's probably a good idea not to plan a day sitting by the pool.  And even if hyperactivity isn't an issue, physical activity calms and focuses the ADHD mind, so can make your staycation more fun."

Allow me to reword this from my perspective which is speaking about now...not in the past as a child.    "Your staycation WILL need to be active.  Particularly if you are a partner with the "H" part of ADHD,"( FUCKING A!!!! )  It is absolutely essential not to plan a day sitting by the pool.  Imperative!!!  Exclamation point added!!!!!   Sedation is DEATH  remember what I said?  And even if hyperactivity isn't an issue, physical activity calms and focuses the ADHD mind, so can make your staycation more fun."   Yes, absolutely.  Activity if fun.  Action is fun.  Moving is fun.  Sitting in one place.  Not so fun.  And in the same way, work is action, but making that action as fun and enjoyable as you can. ( music etc....) is lie the spoon full of sugar that makes the medicine go down.  It's still action and it's still moving and it's still an activity no matter what?  Sitting in one place pushing button....is still sitting in one place pushing buttons.  No matter which way you slice it...it's still bread?  Sitting...is sedentary.  Not moving...is not moving.  No action.  No fun. end of the story there.  So for me....a sedentary lifestyle does not work for me. Period.  I can do it for a little while...I then I start to die.

A more humorous side note story to this and what I will always remember was my Grandmother, the Puritanical Dominatrix.  This is where my mother comes in and what she learned from her mother.  As said...."idle hands are the devil's playground".  I get, that growing up on a farm in Iowa.....my grandmother grew up this mentality.  Early to bed and early to rise...and "bam" you hit the ground working all day until the sun went down living on a farm.  I get that, but now add in the extra "sin" part...that says...."life is work"  and "life is not supposed to be fun".  In fact....if it's "fun" then something is wrong?? LOL  So this ongoing battle I always had with my mom and now I understand it...back then I thought my mom was just being completely ridiculous and I simply ignored her and did it anyway?  At her constant disapproval which really did create a conflict here.  Without realising why...I just discovered that when I had music playing while I worked...that I did better, could work longer and in the end...it wasn't so bad?  That's all I knew and it worked so I did it....end of story there?  But as my mom saw it....this was not necessary.  In fact..she used to ( all the time ) say the same thing. "you're wasting time with changing records or fooling around with your walkman.  Or every time I put the speakers outside so I could hear music...she would immediately say the same thing.  "This is work...you don't need to be entertained".  That's how she saw it.  Music was entertainment"..and of course.....'entertainment is fun"  And since is not suppose to be fun.....then there is no need for entertainment while you're doing it!!! LOL  I would ignore her as usual ..and do it anyway but not without her mentioning that...every single time. LOL  That was her mother talking....the Puritanical Dominatrix.  And or course....whenever we visited or she visited our house.....THAT CAME ALONG WITH HER!!  LOL  I was usually waiting with baited breathe..for my Grandmother's departure needles to say? LOL  If you are moving at all....then you better be working!!! LOL  Clearly...this did not work for me?

Fun is life.....sedation and being sedentary is death.  It's the same easy choice I make, but it's no longer life or death anymore.  I can certainly hang around the pool for example...for a little while at least...but let's say the plan is to sun bath all afternoon by the pool while relaxing and reading a good book?  This is exactly how it works for me...and exactly what I do and say?  I cannot think of anything I hate more (truly ) sitting in the sun and sun bathing.  I have a very adverse reaction to that..and if I am required to do that ...then the clock is ticking on the timer.  I've got a limited window of how long I can do that ...and when the tension builds to critical overload...Ive got to do something about it. I really hate it that much.  And I do not expect anyone to follow me....and I will be perfectly happy going off by myself...but in respect to adventure and having fun,......adventure, is NOT...siting by the pool and sunbathing all afternoon...which is my least favorite activity of all.  Of all things fun and activity related....sunbathing is the worst.  I've got about 1/2 hour on my timer...and I;ve got to get out there and do something fun.  Honestly. When I read that I went....Oh my goodness yes!! Sunbathing by the pool...is the very last thing I will ever want to do EVER!!   Like ...never, ever never ever...would I pick sunbathing as something fun. Period.  End of story there. LOL  So I always leave myself an out and tell anyone who wants to the same thing.  "I don't want to take you fun away, and I will join you for a little while....but then I'm going to......( fill in blank) ...and you are welcome to join me...but I don;t need anyone to come with me, but if you do...you are welcome to do so."  So essence, I already have my compromise ready.and always account for anyone else with me....I just simply say....'that is not so fun for me".....which ..."why does it have to be when it's not?"  I don;t require anyone to do what I want to do, but they are always welcome to join me.  But I will joing anyone doing anything with them for a little while...in order to compromise with them...even when it;s something I hate doing...but only until I can't stand it any longer?  I'll do anything at any time...even when I hate it?  But only for so long until I need to do something else?  This was what my mother saw as being "brave"...which to me, I still don't see it that way?  Life...is not al about getting what you want.  Life is about living..and taking what you can get and being happy with it...the good and the bad...and the bad is just can inconvenience..and nothing more than that.  To "live" means....learning to live with the good...and more importantly...learning to live with the bad?  For what it's worth.  That's what I learned as a kid.

J

These bullet points remind me of all the conflict we've had around trips away from home...These are  nice reminders...I've learned the hard way to attempt to get on the same page before I even commit to a trip or planning anything...Trips together should be beneficial right??:)

Understanding has to be a strong point in our demeanor for conflict to be minimized...The reality of me (a rule keeper and planner) married to wife who makes decisions at the drop of a hat, and isn't to fond of rules (she justifies ignoring them, if they limit her fun) better have the ability to be at peace living and letting live....

Trust can allow us to grow in this Understanding I'm speaking about (accepting differences vs judging each other by our own thinking)....A little flexibility and the ability to get out of our comfort zone occasionally, doesn't hurt:)

A couple at Church talked about living together in an understanding way Sunday....One part I liked is when they started discussing Love languages....His and Hers....

Needless to say they were very different...I think he may be adhd...But anyway when the wife was discussing  "quality time together" one of his love languages, she said that the only problem doing the things with her husband was that he likes things that will Kill you:)....

She said she was trying to be a sport about it, because it meant so much to him....So she bought her a kayak, helmet and all the trimmings and they went Kayaking (I think it went OK when they were in calm water situations)....She said when she was upside down in white water and her helmet was bouncing off the rocks...She thought *Im not having fun* LOL...So when they made it out, she told him to sell her boat.....:)

Yep...Trust, Understanding, and Live and Let live goes along way in enhancing long term monogamous relationships...It's not a contest!

C