Looking to have a happier year in 2015? Why not pick one of these eight resolutions that can help couples impacted by ADHD turn their lives in a happier, healthier direction this year?
Resolution #1: Exercise at least 4 days a week.
Committing to exercise is a common New Year’s resolution, whether or not you have ADHD in your relationship, but it’s particularly good for ADHD-impacted couples. ADHD adults who exercise find they have better focus, are less depressed, less anxious and often more emotionally stable. The same holds true for their non-ADHD partners. If you are not exercising at least 4 hours a week you are missing out on a great opportunity to be happier, healthier and better prepared mentally for whatever might come your way in your relationship. Couples can exercise together on regular ‘exercise dates’, making it even more rewarding.
Resolution #2: Learn to ‘let it go.’
You may feel overwhelmed by the amount of responsibility that falls on your shoulders, or by negative comments in the relationship. Why not resolve for 2015 to commit to letting some of that pressure go? My own experience is that at first you may be tempted to say “it’s all important” or “I have to express those feelings!” but it turns out that this is not the case. It’s incredibly helpful for your relationship if you let some of the irritants ‘pass you by’ rather than ‘stick’ to you like a burr. Good ways to help yourself learn to let things go are to journal about your issues, or learn to meditate in a tradition about letting thoughts pass you by without judgment. One good resource for this, if you have never tried meditation before is the book (and its free downloadable meditation sessions) Meditation for Absolutely Everyone by Subagh Singh Khalsa. It can also help to create a reminder note you will run into frequently to keep you focused on this resolution.
Resolution #3: Teach yourself self-intimacy.
Self-intimacy is the foundation of better communication between you and your partner. It is the ability to identify all of your feelings, not just the ones at the surface, then express them in a constructive way. So instead of saying “I’m angry!” you might learn to get in touch with what is underneath that anger and say “I’m angry, but really what I am is feeling hurt and left out.” To improve self-intimacy, start by setting three times a day to reflect on how you are feeling at that moment, searching as deeply as you can. Setting a reminder alarm will help you remember to do this. (Hint: You may think that you are good at this, but I have been humbled by how challenging it can be to identify your own deeper feelings rather than focus on telling your partner what he or she should be doing better! So, even the most ‘in touch’ partners can use work in this area.)
Resolution #4: Schedule ‘attend time’ at least once a week.
When couples struggle it’s too easy to get all caught up in the ‘work’ and forget about both creating time for fun and (more importantly) time to attend to each other in a loving way. When ADHD is in the picture it’s common that ‘attend time’ needs to be scheduled. You might, for example, resolve to set aside 3 hours every Sunday afternoon to do drop all of your other responsibilities and just do something fun together. Or you might resolve to spend 20 minutes in the evening at bedtime to cuddle or talk about upbeat (NOT negative!) topics.
Resolution #5: Get into a sleep groove.
Speaking of bedtime, many ADHD partners struggle with creating a regular sleep time, or struggle with getting high quality sleep at all. If you are one of these people, a great 2015 resolution would be committing to improving your sleep routine. That might mean seeing a sleep specialist if you think you are one of the many people with ADHD who have sleep apnea or other diagnosable sleep issues. Or, it might mean better sleep hygiene – no computers after about 8:30 pm (or using f.lux if you must be on the computer); setting an alarm (or three) to remind you to disengage from whatever you are doing with plenty of time to prepare for bed; perhaps finding calming music to listen to before you sleep. Drinking less alcohol can also help dramatically, as the digestion of alcohol first puts you to sleep, then wakes you up in the middle of the night.
Resolution #6: Create a shared household chores and tasks system.
To get away from one partner being in charge (common in ADHD-impacted couples!) set a specific time to review tasks for a week, including setting priorities. (When you both agree to the importance of a task it is more likely to get done. The other option – having one partner set priorities doesn’t work as well!) For each task outline exactly what needs to get done, what the timeframe is, what the steps are, and who will do it. A week later you can determine the success of your efforts and adjust your planning for the next week accordingly.
Resolution #7: Smile. A lot.
If there is one thing I’ve learned this year, it’s that even in the most dire times there are usually things about which you can smile. Why not resolve to seek those things out? To find the elements of your life for which you can be grateful and happy, and then share that happiness with a smile? Your life may careen from one thing to the next…but even that energy (and your adaptability) can be worth smiling about.
Resolution #8: Get evaluated for ADHD, or optimize your ADHD treatment.
If you are not yet evaluated for ADHD, or if you are only taking medication to treat it, there is a whole lot more you could do to optimize the management of your symptoms. Take this as good news! The more you are the boss of your ADHD, the more you can live 2015 the way you choose! See my free online treatment guide for more information, and make sure to download the two free chapters from The Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD, as they will provide you with the latest on the full treatment of adult ADHD.
Ready? Set...Resolve!
So there you have it! Eight Ideas for a better 2015! Pick one that appeals to you and you are on your way to a healthier and happier new year. And please stay in touch at this site, and with me, in 2015...Happy New Year!
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Comments
New Year's Resolutions
1. My ADD husband is morbidly obese and does nothing about it. 2. If I let much more "go", I will be doing absolutely everything. 4. My ADD husband isn't interested in spending time with me. 5. I'm going to work on getting more sleep. 6. My retired ADD husband does no household hold chores and will not do any if asked. Says he already contributes enough. 7. I definitely need to work on smiling even though I seldom feel like doing it. 8. My husband's attitude is that he has ADD and I should just deal with it. -Doesn't sound like much of a "happy" new year to me.
From an adhd spouse
Wow, I read your comment and was like "dang, that's how my husband sounds" and at first thought, OMG why do they have to be so down all the time..but then I thought about it. I was diagnosed just 6 months ago at age 39. I've been married for 4 years and today, we were talking divorce. My husband feels I don't WANT to spend time with him, that I'm not interested. He couldn't be more wrong. I DO want to, there's just so much to do first (in my head) that I have to get done before I can relax and spend time...well the "to do's" take over and then there is no more time because he's in bed and it's 3am. I feel bad, guilty for ignoring him, but I physically cannot stop what I'm doing and relax, until it's done. This is something I'm working on. I'm wondering if it's the same for your husband. I'm learning to set timers as well. I have a craft room that I am wanting to turn into an office. Well it's been the "storage room" for 3 years and I have been too overwhelmed to go in there. It's always bothered my husband because it's such a great room to not take care of. Well, this week I started working on it. on my way home from work, I give myself pep talks to do it as soon as I get home, then I start a timer for 1 hour. It's working! Maybe it's something you could suggest to your husband.
I SUCK at cleaning. I will let things pile up until it overwhelmes me, then I'll clean it...taking 10 times longer than I should because of getting sidetracked. I have a date book that I actual schedule cleaning times in. It's seriously the only way I can accomplish anything. I will commit to doing something and then not do it. It's not because I don't care, or I'm trying to anger my husband. It goes back to having to finish whatever it is I'm working on...no matter what it is.
And last, living with add is no picnic, nor is living with someone who has it. But please...and I try to tell this to my husband...as hard as it is for you to live with someone who has it...try to imagine being the one who has it. To not have control over where your mind is, what comes out of your mouth, having to set timers, reminders, sticky notes everywhere...loosing something you just sat down 5 minutes ago. Being judged because "that's not how normal people are", looking in the mirror and thinking you will NEVER be good enough. Yes, it's hard to live with someone who's talking to you, sees a squirrel and drops everything to watch the squirrel, it's hard to have the broken commitments and not getting a lot of attention, but it's equally as hard have the pressure of trying to make everyone happy and not drive yourself crazy.
I hope you are able to work things out and your husband can find a way to manage his add. My husband and I are doing the Seminar in Feb and I hope it helps.
Attend time?
My ADD man has been diagnosed, but refused to do any kind of treatment (he does fine at work, and that's all that matters to him).
When we go out to eat, he spends most of the meal playing with his smartphone. He wears an earpiece, and suddenly he starts talking...I get excited thinking he's talking to me until I realize he's on his phone (this happens around the house a lot, too). Even if I frisked him and removed all his electronic gadgets before we left the house, he'd probably sit and play with his car keys or the silverware rather than talk to me. He rarely looks at me and can't make eye contact. When I (politely) ask him if he will talk to me, he'll say "what do you want me to say?" A simple conversation about non-threatening topics is like pulling teeth .We can schedule all the 'attend time' we want, but that won't make him pay attention to me.
The rest of your suggestions are equally unlikely to make a difference; he won't do housework, period; he is so out of shape that he has no interest in sex, or even kissing (he abhors doing anything physical, so won't even consider exercise); and our sleep schedules are out of sync; he's asleep by 8pm every night and he's perfectly happy with that (obviously we have no night life). I don't have a lot to smile about.
What makes you st ay with him
What makes you st ay with him ? (I ask because I question why I stay with a man who behaves in almost the same way and am thinking about leaving).
Tks.
Well, I don't live with him,
Well, I don't live with him, so I only see him on weekends. I have a life away from him, which makes it easier to deal with his problems. I actually got him to leave his phone at home last time we went out! He had no option but to talk to me! Progress!
Hmmm
This is an old post. I am working on an old laptop tha was given to me for my 50th birthday No, I do not like electronics, no it is not an especially good one. I have no positive memories of the event except that I got myself a cake from the best baker in the area, flowers and a bottle of prosecco, which I had for breakfast that day. My husband bought this laptop at 3 pm the day of my birthday by his own admission and the evidence on the receipt. It was never properly set up and has been the bane of my existence ever since. He didn't allow time for the geek squad or anyone else to properly set this thing up. I am am tech adverse and like it when shit works.( No joke, I always become very good friends with the tech people at work! Never miss a birthday LOL!) And why was it so hard to pay attention to this milestone birthday when I was clear six months in advance that it was important to me and I did not expect the sun moon and stars but a little something to validate my contributions? Why is it so hard? Why is it when I read "advice" like this I read it as someone is asking me to do more More MORE?????
#1 I have started exercising. I am eating better but my husband doesnt' "like" healthy food i.e. vegetables so I prepare two meals. I like vegetables very much. He does not meet me halfway. He has had good intentions of "walking" with me, etc. but nothing has ever panned out in the long term. So a healthy lifestyle is a personal agenda not a couple agenda. Never will be a couple agenda until he chooses to do something about the 100 pounds he put on after marriage.
#2 I've let go for about ten years. It sucks butt. I journal. I meditate. I walk . I read. My husband remains the same. Did I say it sucks butt? It does.
#3 yeah yeah. I reflect. I have decided, based on reflection, that this has been a huge disappointment. I wanted an adult partner. My bad. My husband has had several major financial transgressions. First time, shame on him. Second time shame on me. Third time I'm just a dumb ass for letting his dumb ass do it again. I'm pretty sure I know why I'm angry. He hit all the major marital themes. Financial transgressions. Hiding things and activities. Neglect. Dating sites. Lies Lies and Oh did I say lies? Oh, unfair household and child care burden? check. I've reflected but I'm not sure where else this reflections is supposed to take me. I'm angry for a reason. I don't have someone who wants to be a partner. I have someone who doesn't "get' that it's not okay to lie.
#5 Yeah. I'm pretty good with sleep unless my husband super stresses me. True confession: when I am super stressed and have trouble sleeping, my cat finds me and comforts me; my husband does not. I love my cat. I adopted this stray cat within two weeks of finding out my husband had five figures in debt I didn't know about, had not paid the mortgage for going on 3 months and had been on Ashley Madison and other sites. Did I mention that I love my cat? Nurturing my kitten during that time was my salvation. My husband does not sleep. He has said he should have a sleep test but has never done so. He HAS however consistently medicated himself with beer and sleep aids and energy drinks which has not been a delightful combination. Fall asleep in the middle of a conversation, anyone? Yes, it's lovely. I MIGHT have mentioned a few, maybe one hundred times, that this is not healthy and it seemed like depressive behavior but oh no i'm a stupid woman and he said that he has "never" slept. Um HELLLLOOOOO? And I was labeled stupid.
# 6 I am so f'*()*)*9ing over trying to devise a household chore system I could shi* bricks. There has NEVER been a time when I have talked to my H about something like this when work (his hyperfocus) hasn't come up as in I can't because of my work schedule.... OR I've done a calendar system which just created more work for me because I was maintaining mine plus another system and my H still didn't get on board....... so, no, this advice sucks pond water unless the partner WANTS to help otherwise it's just more work and headaches and disappointment.
#7 I do smile. It is unfortunately not based on anything my partner does. It is based on my children, my friends, other connections and things that I have done myself that bring me joy.
#8 Goes without saying. I threatnened divorce. He went to a few sessions and stopped short of the psychiatrist analsysis and diagnosis. I cannot and will not be the reason someone seeks treatment to get better. On a similar note, I will not continue this path without knowing WTF is wrong and what the diagnosis is. His psychologist said ADHD, his primary care physician said depression. Okay, I can see that since they both non peacefully coeexist. BUT.... what else? I am not truly convinced that ADHD alone causes all of this lying.
I think I got these numbers all screwed up. What if you are the only partner scheduling or giving any f8(#s about "attend time" despite protestations to the contrary? Do you continue to suck it up and be the family admin and hope that your husband doesn't bail on you???? If I plan an activity, pay for it and tell my H when to show up , we may do something and he may or may not pretend to enjoy it unless it has a happy ending for him.
Overall, what I FEEL RIGHT NOW, is that to stop H from lying I have to change a lot of my interactions. Well, most people don't lie to me, right? I mean, I go through life thinking and knowing that most people are honest with me. Why do I have to do more work for this? (I expect hate mail for his comment) Isn't this a basic thing I should expect from a marriage? Yes, yes it is. I should expect an honest spouse. My H expects it from me. My H doesn't DOUBT it from me? I asked him specifically. My H does not doubt that I will be honest with him, make decisions with him in mind, not do things that adversely affect him and not do things that will hurt him. I know. I asked point blank. More than once. I cannot assume the same from him. So why should I do MORE and turn my life around to accommodate when I cant' assume my basic needs of honesty and trust are being met? This isn't forgetfulness or hyperactivity or can't remember shit.... this is pretty malignant behavior. It it was "just" the "quirky" stuff it would be okay.
Or I should change my communication methods which work for 99 percent of the population I deal with? More work from me?
Seriously. I don't even know what to think at this point. I should be able to expect truth and fidelity, right? Ashley Madison? Did he cheat or not? IDk. To me it doesn't matter because I processed the transgression emotionally the same as if he he had. He shouldn't have been there. And if he hadn't YET, he would have. He has no control. It was only a matter of time and ego stroking so I don't differentiate. Shouldn't that be the BASE of a marriage?? Trust? So why is the onus on me to do more? I've done quite a bit so far only to be, quite frankly, shit on.