Is lying a part of your relationship? Are you eager to move past the lies to a more trusting partnership? This is the first of several posts that will deal with lies and rebuilding trust in relationships impacted by ADHD.
One of the people in the forum recently posted this very relevant question:
"How does a person cope with a marriage that includes lies? I know I should have confronted (my ADHD partner) more about the lying when we were first married, but I didn't. I thought giving him the benefit of the doubt and showing him I believed in him when we were young was a way to boost his ego. It boosted his ego and made me lose respect for myself. He was a traveling salesman from the start. Very independent. I let him be the way he was. It was not a satisfying way to live from my point of view. How do I gain my self-respect back and how does a spouse hold constant vigil to not tolerate lies?"
Here are just a few more of the questions I've received on lying:
(from a man with ADHD) “I’ve quit smoking, but 3 weeks ago I impulsively bought some chewing tobacco. When my wife found out she was livid. How do I stop lying about stuff like this?”
“I am the ADD husband. I do find I lie at times to my wife about my motivations and intentions since it is easier for me to silently commit to myself to take actions that will retroactively "make up for it". But I am not sure I am ready to admit to her that I do this since for some time she has been solely focused on ME being the problem in our relationship.”
(from a man with ADHD) "(growing up) I quickly learned to cover, hide and adapt in social groups to lie, fit in, not being teased, put down especially being " odd"...As I grew into manhood with issues of attentiveness, focus,and typical ADD symptoms. I lied to cover up my faults and short comings."
(from a non-ADHD man) “I’ve tried not to create an atmosphere that would encourage lying, then seemingly, out of nowhere, I trip over another one of her lies -- even when it doesn't appear there is a reason to lie…”
(from a non-ADHD woman) “Is it common that…a non-ADHD partner might respond by lying or not being completely honest about things that they know the ADHD partner will become unreasonably angry about…?”
Lying is a difficult topic, and one that hits very close to home. None of us think we deserve to be lied to, and the act of lying is often seen as a breach of marital trust. Moving away from lies to an open and honest relationship is hard, though (we are living proof!) possible. I wish to share the approach to improving honesty that seems to work well for the couples I’ve worked with (including in my own relationship.) Note that I'm not saying it's easy - in order to succeed, couples must both wish to make changes and open themselves up to examining their own role in the cycle of lying in the relationship. This can be hard for partners who are being lied to.
Before I get going, it’s important to understand where I stand on the issue of lying. Though it’s easy to think of lies, particularly ‘small’ ones, as inconsequential, this is far from the truth. Lying can’t continue if your relationship is to thrive, as it destroys trust and one’s sense of self and stability, just as it has for the first poster above. Chronic lies create an unstable environment in which the partner being lied to never knows what is true or false (big or small), and whether the relationship is safe. For the lying partner, the lies may lower self-esteem and are an indication that the relationship – and one’s feelings about oneself – are not currently healthy.
A Caveat – It’s Not Always Lying
Some aspects of ADHD may be misinterpreted as lying when they are not. For example, poor short-term memory might lead an ADHD partner to say “We didn’t talk about X two weeks ago!” not because she is covering up, but because she genuinely doesn’t remember the conversation, even if it was important.
Distraction can mean that ADHD and non-ADHD partners experienced the same event quite differently, as the ADHD partner sees some of what the non-ADHD partner sees, plus (most likely) other (perhaps irrelevant) things that the non-ADHD partner didn’t see at all. “It happened this way, not that!” might seem like a cover-up or a lie when, in fact, it is an accurate representation of what the ADHD partner experienced that the non-ADHD did not.
In either of these situations, you probably end up in a ‘he said/she said” argument over whether something happened a certain way – or at all. These are unwinnable arguments – there is ample evidence that neither of you sees things completely accurately at least some of the time and, of course, you don’t know when that is. So if you start arguing over whether it happened this way or that, simply say “that’s a he said/she said argument,” then take stock of where you are at that moment (vs. where you think you ought to be) and start your forward progress from there.
As for whether or not your partner is lying, give your partner the benefit of the doubt when you can.
Lying is Common
Caveat aside, if you have lies in your ADHD-impacted relationship, you are not alone. This is so common, in fact, that I teach about it in my ADHD Effect In-Depth couples seminar. Happily, with time and effort, the two of you can move past lies to a healthier place. The process for doing so includes:
- identifying why the lying is happening (the topic of my next blog post)
- discussing the role that lying plays in the relationship, including the negatives and positives that it creates
- discussing how you both envision your future relationship when honesty is a core value and what each of you would need in order to become more honest and move into that new relationship
- creating a new environment that encourages moving away from lying and outlines clear expectations for your 'new and improved' relationship
- practicing being honest with each other through improved conflict intimacy and an open conversation about your efforts. You likely won’t get settled into a habit of being completely honest with each other right away if you have experienced chronic lying.
In addition, I think it’s important to clearly think about the elements of trust when ADHD is part of your relationship.
That’s a lot to cover, but it’s a very worthwhile topic, so I will write several blog posts in succession on the topic. Stay tuned!
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Comments
Yes, I will stay tuned,
Yes, I will stay tuned, Melissa. Thanks for beginning this series on lying.
Perhaps in it there will be a spot for talking about what maybe could be called "neurologically prompted perceived lying." Lacking experience of it before this relationship, I've been flabbergasted when my partner says I said or intended something, but I didn't and then clings insistently to telling me I said it or intended it. if I insist that I said no such words, nor were they in my mind, nor could what I did say be construed to suggest what he said I said, it leaves him in an impasse, well it does both of us. For him, he's got to sort out whether I did say it or mean it and in that case he can conclude that I thereafter lied; or whether in fact I didn't say it or mean it, and in tha case he can conclude that I told the truth, but that would mean, as he once remarked, that he was hallucinating. My impasse in these situations is that there's nothing further I can do than tell the truth about what I did and didnt say or mean. He's pretty much stuck inside his head in these moments, since the idea that I said or intended something came from inside his head. Earlier on it left him with a lot of residual mistrust of me. The first time it happened, I thought he had gone suddenly crazy on me.
Is there a neurological piece to this? There does seem to be a late at night tired, or after drinking piece to it
Mutual trust is so very important. It has not passed me by that with this thinking that I said what I didnt thing cropping up occasionally, it's doubly important that I truthtell as a habit. And to go about my business, not get into high defensiveness
For Bou
A really interesting question! I think there are a couple of things going on here for you to consider:
I will try to write to this as part of the series.
Thank you! Yes I'll read on,
Thank you! Yes I'll read on, and read all.
I hope I didn't suggest by my post that my partner and I get into these situations often, or that we deal with it now via fighting.
We could shift to something better, from the dynamic of argument over what I did say and mean, once I understood that I didn't need to prove anything or defend myself, and stopped repeating my insistence.
I have the highest regard for my partner, and I'm not just saying that. He's a phenomenal human being. We both were raised to be truth tellers, and both of us work on it.
I'm not at all, in bringing up these mis-auditory perceptions of his, rare as they are, suggesting that this is a flaw in him, or that I'm perfect. None of that. But this particular matter, mental/auditory mishearing, did nearly do us in at the beginning of our relationship, when he perceived in his mind what I didn't say, and then concluded that I lied, when I said that I didn't say what he heard me in his mind saying. He nearly didn't get over his belief that I lied. It was heartbreaking for us both and took us a very long time to work through.
We're on down the road now, and have talked, but I still would like to know more about ADHD in the mix of these events. Any good understanding of this feature of ADHD neurology or life history that will lead to the pair of us having additional ways to deal with it will be very welcome.
Thanks, again, and I'll read all!
Bou
Mutual Trust
Bou,
These words in your post really resonated with me this morning. Mutual Trust.
Mutual Trust.
Mutual Trust.
I clearly see that is an important relationship element. Not just important, it is CRITICAL.
Being the Non-ADHD spouse in our relationship, I have traveled a gamete of roads to find what my behaviors can do to create a relationship that is pleasant, honorable and respectful. Today I sit in a place of trying to understand how my intentionality gets so jumbled.
I have chosen to step out of He-Said/She-Said disagreements. They end up in a power struggle of who is right and who is wrong.
I find a tad of peace for myself in your words: My impasse in these situations is that there's nothing further I can do than tell the truth about what I did and didnt say or mean. He's pretty much stuck inside his head in these moments, since the idea that I said or intended something came from inside his head. Ditto. I relate 100%.
For Liz, the irony of this discovery - based on the many recent discussions with my spouse, if I broach this subject, it will only irritate him more with, "Why is it always me? When are you gonna go get some counseling for YOUR problems?"
I have gotten to the place of realizing that no matter how many more books I read, no matter how many more marriage relationship classes/counseling-session I participate, all these years of trying and effort will get flushed away if he is judging my intentions so harshly. If I try to wrap my head around that, it make me nauseous. Nothing I do has mattered, so I am done trying. What good is jumping up and down insisting someone trusts me? None.
Thanks for your words. They gave me a boost today!
Liz
*******I have recently seen a lady looking back at me from the mirror - and I said, "Hello friend. Long time no see!""*******
Compulisive lying
My husband was diagnosed with ADHD last spring. So I am still learning about the behavior that accompanies it.
I am still trying to deal with his chronic lying. We've discussed it many times, but it still happens.
I feel betrayed and mistrustful. I can't believe a word he says. We have been together nearly 30 years, and I feel like our entire relationship has been a lie.
I am so sad and depressed about our situation. I feel so alone and helpless.
Throwing 30 years away would be difficult, downright heartbreaking, but I also cannot live a life saturated with lies.
This finally came to a head Thanksgiving eve when he gave me three very different versions of a story. Of course, he denied it and tried to backtrack (making the situation even worse).
What annoys me so much is that he won't ever admit to a lie unless I catch him red-handed. His immediate denials infuriate me. He also tries to deflect this issue on me by indicating how "hurt" he is that I call him a "liar".
I don't know what to do at this point.
I feel you
I'm sorry you've been dealing with this for so long! I've only been with my spouse for three and a half years and have been deadling with compulsive lying too so I can't imagine 30 like that! Has the lying become better has he tried counseling? If he's not willing to get help there's not much you can do. He's his own person... but I hope he has went and received some help.
Never Guilty
My fiance and I have been together for over 5 years in a long distance relationship. Over 1,300 miles. Many of our conversations are on the phone and some are by Skype. Most of our relationship is dependent on conversation only. Talk about difficult. He has ADHD and gets distracted easily. The conversations we have on the phone are important, just like anyone's would be, except I can't watch his body language or make eye-contact unless we are on Skype and even then I'm held captive to what's inside the dimensions of the webcam. I've gotten very good at picking up on verbal clues when he's lying or at least uncomfortable about the conversation. He makes grunting and groaning noises as if the task he was doing while we were talking (cooking, cleaning, etc.) became much more difficult than it was seconds earlier. He gets defensive if I question something and his tone picks up. Often, he uses phrases to discount his inconsistencies such as 'what does it matter?' or does the grunting and groaning thing and diverts the story to one of his own and a completely different topic. His stories are always inconsistent and he's never guilty. I have never trusted a man as much as I trust him, yet I don't trust him at all. Odd, I know. It's because the lies are little white lies and I seem to be in this war in my own head telling myself I am petty and these are trivial things to get upset about. Every now and then the thought crosses my mind that behind all the little ones there may be a giant, big one. I hope not. I've never felt he would cheat on me and I suppose this is why I have the trust him/not trust him thing going on. All in all, I feel helpless because he will not admit to lying. The one time I had him, hook, line and sinker and he knew it, I got laughed at. He never admitted to the lie, he laughed it off and laughed at me. I then get the pleasure of having him act like nothing ever happened. It's a frustrating thing to be in this situation. I'm determined to figure it out. I'm happy (but, not happy) to read of others in a relationship with someone with ADHD and how they may be overcoming some of the difficulties.
Saronna
Knowing the Difference in "Lying" with ADHD
Melissa,
I want (or would like lol ) to take the liberty of speaking to this topic of lying from a place where I have no need to lie about anything that has to do with my ADHD. I think this is the key here....to not lying about anything anymore. This is not to say...that somewhere in there, there are a few things I have overlooked in these old "habits"....but mostly I can say as I look back over any time recently if I ask myself ...."self? did I lie about this or not?" I can say that I'm doing pretty good in that department for the most part with only a few exceptions but hopefully...if I'm not missing anything here, I feel pretty "clean". This concept of "feeling clean"....is the feeling you get when there is no guilt involved in the things you say and do. When you feel "Dirty" and feeling "guity"....is when I need to start worrying about this what ever the topic of concern is? I've found for myself....understanding exactly what a "lie" is and then applying that to the ability to "differentiate" each category and know what they are in the first place was hugely helpful to me and why I think this is worth bringing up in referencing the examples that you gave here but first.....first things first.....
Everyone lies and we do it all the time in little ways and some bigger ways and "lying" for a reason is something to consider here. In essence...we all "lie" for a reason and everyone has reasons to "lie" and we all do. There are good reasons to lie...and bad ones and the bad reasons are the ones that seem to be the ones that are most concerning to our intimate partners in association with having ADHD as the reason for it.
A good reason to lie for example :" Does this dress...make me look FAT?" There's a really good reason to lie right there! LOL And mostly...this person wants you to lie if you think that this has nothing to do with the dress...and more to do with the fact that your SO just put on 50 lbs and is struggling with insecurity over this? In essence....they know they put on the 50lbs...but they are wanting something from you and that is reassurance that they are still attractive to you. They are "fishing" for something from you ...and you can either lie for their benefit and see it this way....or you can be so blind and stubbornly "narrow" in your definition that you say..."I cannot tell a lie...I don't lie..so therefore...I MUST tell the truth always or God will punish me!!!"
So in that case...your answer would be " OMG! Yes!! All that extra weight you put on make you look like you've poured yourself into that tiny dress just so you don't have to go buy the right size now like you can't admit it that you are no longer are a size 4 anymore?? How about size 10 instead?? You ...do not fit that dress!!! In fact...you don't fit that dress...SO MUCH.... It looks ridiculous on you!! What are you thinking? You've got a mirror....see for yourself? Why are you asking me anyway...you know how fat you've gotten since you put on that extra 50lbs? If you'd just keep your hands out the KFC bucket...we wouldn't be having this conversation?"
That would be the truth...in this somewhat "common human experience with a woman who is standing in front of you..and wanting you to lie but for a good reason. If you told the honest to God truth here....this would go over like a lead balloon and the person asking...would be devastated and hurt if you actually said that to them.
Protecting someone as a means to hide anything...is the reason why you might lie in a good way. You lie to your own children...for their own good sometimes knowing that this is the right thing to do within reason and done well until they can manage to take over themselves and not get hurt?
"White" lies in this way...are for the benefit of the other person or so...as the intention would imply as in "white" or "clean" ? There is not guilt associated with "white lies" since the end result serves someone other than yourself in a positive way and is done for their own "good." You take a "hit" from God and your "eternal soul" and put yourself aside for the moment and do something "good" for someone else and for their benefit when done in this "clean" way of lying? In fact....take God and your "eternal soul" out of the picture and reintroduce the fact that if you didn't lie to protect your own children in this way...you may be held accountable for neglect and abuse or even worse? Can you imagine...sitting a 4 or 5 year old down to watch some explicit Porn of two people having sex and telling them...."now this is the truth of how babies are made. This is what Mommy and Daddy did to make you....and this is the actual truth!" Right or wrong? Not too hard to figure that one out in this particular case and context? The truth about lies...is that everyone lies...simply put.
Back to the topic at hand. Conflict and avoiding consequences. That's what I think we are talking about here if I'm not mistaken? Avoiding consequences is another reason to lie and this only serves one person and that's the person doing it. This is not necessarily "BAD" or "GOOD" but there are reasons for this and that's what I wanted to comment on here and differentiate the examples you gave here?
What is "compulsive lying" first of all? "Compulsive" is not "impulsive" first off..... and "compulsive" behavior is more associated with anxiety disorders like OCD not ADHD. Compulsive lying would be habitual lying for a reason other than to lie about anything. It would serve a purpose but more than that...it would fall into a category of just lying....for the sake of lying...with no intention or reason to like in the first place and this is not what I see or have seen in myself in the past associated with my ADHD. But within that...there is confabulation which might look like compulsive lying but is kind of different? Compulsive lying is pathological...but confabulation is more tied to memory and just making stuff up to fill in the gaps of what you forgot or what you don't know by fabricating what is missing in attempt to fill in the gaps. I'm no expert on this subject but from what from my own understanding of this and cutting to the chase....what is "petty" and what is "most important" here and "the consequences of these actions" has everything to do with this topic. "Intention" is 9/10ths of the law" as they say?
"(from a man with ADHD) “I’ve quit smoking, but 3 weeks ago I impulsively bought some chewing tobacco. When my wife found out she was livid. How do I stop lying about stuff like this?” First off....quitting smoking is a good thing for the person doing it. It's a difficult thing to overcome and is an addictive habit. We don't know why his wife would be angry if he bought chewing tobacco...but I could deduct that there is a conflict over this that they are at odds with and what he promised might have everything to do with this? If he made no promise to his wife or if she was not on him herself for him to quit smoking because she didn't like it or agree with smoking in the first place...he's not quitting for himself and the benefits he gets for his sake and his health...he's doing it for her and making a promise that he will but is not necessarily doing it for the right reasons. His motivation would be totally different if he agreed with her and he wanted to quit for himself and if that's the case...all he'd have to do was walk in the door and go " I slipped today and bought some chewing tobacco...I know I shouldn't do this but this addiction is such a tough one to shake!" In this case....owning up to this and not making excuses is being honest and if his wife was looking at this as him doing this for his own good....she could approach him that way instead of making a stink about his failure and looking at what was wrong with what he did instead? No justifications or rationalizing anything here....just saying "I'm human and this is a really hard thing and I'm struggling with it"...which would be the "truth". What is more important is the "truth" here....and less to do with "lying". He would be "clean" if he had done this instead...and he could stand on the "truth" and not "feel" indebted to his wife for something he's trying to do for himself whether she liked it or not. Not making promises that you can't keep...is the way to avoid this and stay out of trouble I might add?
“I am the ADD husband. I do find I lie at times to my wife about my motivations and intentions since it is easier for me to silently commit to myself to take actions that will retroactively "make up for it". But I am not sure I am ready to admit to her that I do this since for some time she has been solely focused on ME being the problem in our relationship.”
"I am not sure I am ready to admit to her that I do this ....." The question is why? He gave a reason but what is this reason all about? I think the reason he actually gave is still a rationalization in itself but he is unsure where he stands here? Am I "right" or am I "wrong" and what are the reasons I feel this way?
This is what I found that I did a while ago and didn't realize it until I took a closer look at this? To motivate myself...I will set the "bar" way higher than is possible to put that "carrot" in front of me in order to do anything. I know I can't reach the "bar" but if you set your sites too low...you will only go as far as the bar is set. I've found that I can do some amazing things if I do not limit myself by assuming I can only do so much. In order not to "limit myself" and think "I can't do that"...I set the bar as high as it will go and reach for the stars sometimes. But this is just a game I play with myself in my head....my expectations about ever reaching that bar are not what is important here. Reaching the bar is not the goal.....not "limiting myself" is what is most important and not tying my abilities to what I "believe" I can or cannot do. When I think about finally setting and breaking a couple swimming records in my youth....I know I never would have done that if I had limited myself to what I believed was impossible for me...which is why I did "the impossible" and proved myself wrong? The only problem I found with any of this....was getting into a habit of "stating"....."this is what I'm going to do!" to other people by stating my goal as the "bar" and not being clear in making this differentiation when actually saying ..."this is my intention and but I'm setting the bar way higher than I think is possible so as not to limit myself in my thinking and expect too little of myself by doing this" This is about "my own expectations of myself"...it has nothing to do with any expectations placed on me from others. If someone does that "too me"....it's my jog to speak up and say so and tell them I don't think I can do this and tell them the reasons why instead of not saying anything...and just hoping I can without thinking this through? Not making promises you can't keep...is the way to avoid this....but "admitting to yourself"...is the key here in order to do this. If a person is in denial or unaware of their own limitations...it makes it difficult of impossible to do this? If this is what is happening and you are seeing this kind of thing...there is shame involved on the part of the person doing this and they are having trouble admitting this and they are avoiding the consequence of "shame" as their intention. The "lies" are not what is most important here.....that persons "shame" is what this is all about I think?
"(from a man with ADHD) "(growing up) I quickly learned to cover, hide and adapt in social groups to lie, fit in, not being teased, put down especially being " odd"...As I grew into manhood with issues of attentiveness, focus,and typical ADD symptoms. I lied to cover up my faults and short comings."
Straight up....lying to avoid the consequence of "shame". I've done this and still do at times but I don't try and hide. If anything...I lie by omission and not say anything. Why make it worse by "committing" the "act" or "action" of "Lying" to someone else? This is not unconscious "lying" in other words. You are aware that you do it...and you are aware of what you are trying to avoid? But if you actually "lie" overtly and "lie" with intention in this case....you are not only lying to yourself but to other people as well. At least if I am aware that I "lie" by "omission"...no one knows that I am lying except me and that is between me and myself to deal with. Lying by omission is just not wanting to admit something but that in itself can be a good thing under the right circumstances. A huge mistake that I regret doing...was coming clean to my employer about having ADHD. I had been put into a position after over 20 years with him that since the "business climate" and the expectations had changed along with moving to a new location and his family members coming in and taking over....I was forced to make a decision to tell him about my ADHD where before...he had written a lot of these things off to any number of other reasons he had come up with? My thinking was that if I am honest with him and tell him my limitations...that he would work with me in finding a solution for the benefit of all concerned? Not only did he not work with me on this...I functionally gave him a loaded gun full of ammo and now he scapegoat me like I experienced in my own family which eventually ended in me quitting because this become a returning "nightmare" for me and my employer became abusive since his business was failing and he was looking for someone to "shoot". The reality was...that I had increased my production and improved incrementally in all skill areas in a steady upward curve (and my skills or my production or quality was not at issue ) What was at issue...was him trying to and becoming a micro manager and as he saw it....."things needed to change" but what he changed went directly against my limitations and having ADHD and he became "restrictive" and "rigid and unbending" when before....he had a "hands off " approach which allowed me to perform at my best. In other words....he needed more money...that was his problem. And since he needed more money to plug the holes in his failing business...he began to take over and try to "squeeze" more out of everyone without considering that perhaps....everyone was already doing their best and there was nothing left to "squeeze". This put me into a position...that I felt I had no other options but to tell him..."hey...this is all you;re getting out of me...and this is the reason why and what you're doing...is making me less productive...and these are the reasons associated with my ADHD." That was a huge mistake on my part but hind site is 20/20. I would have been better off...to "lie by omission" and just deal with what he beleived he saw me doing and all the reasons "he came up with in his head" instead of telling the truth. This back fired and caused me to get shot down.and not to be trusted where before...there was no lack of trust involved for over 20 years with the same employer.
The only thing that changed...was me admitting I had ADHD. This was a real life lesson and one I will not soon forget. Not saying anything even if you know...is not lying...but it not telling the truth either. Letting someone believe what they want to believe...is a lot safer and whole lot easier than saying anything and paying the consequences. If you don't think there is bias and prejudice involved here....think again. It's real and it does exist in some...but not all people. The more narrow minded a person is...the more likely for prejudice of this kind IMHO.
"(from a non-ADHD man) “I’ve tried not to create an atmosphere that would encourage lying, then seemingly, out of nowhere, I trip over another one of her lies -- even when it doesn't appear there is a reason to lie…”
It's not what you know....it's what you think you know? Who knows what "tried not to create an atmosphere that would encourage lying means?" If he is disappointed, disproving or has any unrealistic expectations of his spouse AT ALL EVER!!!....he creating an atmosphere that would encourage lying? If he thinks he's not doing this...he needs to rethink this and ask him self...did I ever do one of those things even once? If the answer in no....he's lying to himself. Shame...is the motivator here....if he did anything at all...to elicit "shame" as is being critical or disapproving or even voices that there was something he didn't like about his wife even one time....then he contributed to this and is creating an atmosphere of "shame" and "avoidance of shame" in the form of lying and he doesn't even realize it. That's his problem...not his wife's to take care of and she is not responsible for what he doesn't know or what he thinks he knows? In this case....the rationalizing and the lying...is to himself...and is not about his wife (speaking in those terms) out of ignorance and nothing else?
(from a non-ADHD woman) “Is it common that…a non-ADHD partner might respond by lying or not being completely honest about things that they know the ADHD partner will become unreasonably angry about…?”
This is a reasonable question to ask but a complicated one to answer? The "common components" of lying associated with ADHD have to do with: Shame, rejection and being ostracized in general:
Ostracism: exclusion, by general consent, from social acceptance, privileges, friendship, etc. If any one of these things are happening...or in the prevention or protection from the consequences of any and all of these things...the intention, motivation and reason to lie...is in order to avoid these consequences.
I highlighted privileges since that is a real bugger of a problem. When it comes to "privileges"....it gets into the realm of permissions, allowances, entitlement and what is "fair". What is fair has little to do with what really is. What is is what is...and life is not fair. But in terms of "an environment" that either encourages or promotes lying.....this has everything to do with you the person with someone with ADHD as anything. else. Ifr what is "fair" is getting in the way here....then that's something to take a closer look at and see where the conflicts are I think?
But as I am sitting here and thinking about this in terms of my wife who is now suspected of having ADHD along with me and all that I know about myself...I have to take a second look at "humility" and take a real long hard look at myself and my part to play in any conflict we have together?
My wife is petty...and cannot deny that I do not like this quality in her. I hate being petty and I think about the "petty crimes" I've committed. In my youth....I stole candy (bubble gum and the like) thinking or rationalizing that I had no money so therefore...."I'm entitled to it". This was a "petty crime" and I am not beating myself up over this failure in my thinking as a child. I also make no excuses for this or rationalize this as anything more than my own failure and that this was "stealing" no matter which way I slice it? To the letter of the law....I committed a "crime" and that was "shop lifting" by any other name? But I have no reason to lie about this or justify it as anything more than 'being a stupid kid" not unlike most of my friends who at some point in time....did and saw them do the same thing at the time. In fact...we did it together at the same time and we deferred the consequences and justified this at the times as " but I wanted it and had no money ". That's about as far as my thinking was back then at the time. It was a petty thing to do...and no one is coming after me or in my thinking...I'm not going to pay any great consequence for being a stupid ignorant kid and using "kid reasoning" in order to justify doing it.
But when I think about my wife and her struggling with shame and the "lies" that I do not see as "lies" as much as the things I just said about myself....I have to consider the reasons and what is more important here? If she is only hurting herself by doing this and the only "crime" or offense this is to me is that "she Lied"....OMG!!! I can't believe it???" Well that says a lot more about me than it does her since I have no burden of shame to bear in this? If I can't get down off of my high horse and have a little humility here...then I might as well just tell her how FAT she looks in that dress when she comes to me and says....."does this dress make me look FAT?" All she really wants is reassurance and that's what she is needing most of all. If I'm failing to come down off my high horse long enough...to stop making everything about ME...and give some consideration to the fact that I....have it way better than she does becuase I know the heart ache and the insecurity she feels along with the burden of shame she has to bear....then I'm betraying myself and who I want to be and instead...being a self righteous "prick" instead of a Loving partner who is more concerned about ME and my "feelings" than I am about someone who is feeling deep shame and insecurity and the low self esteem that drives her to do this? If I'm doing anything but providing her with reassurance...and instead, becoming irritated and angry and upset because of these "petty thing" she does...then I am no better than myself....in calling myself a good person because I stole bubble gum from the grocery store when I was a kid? Who do I am think I am anyway......"Donald Trump?" ha!! Now there's a narrow minded pin head and "Self Righteous Prick" if I ever saw one? ( IM (not so Humble) O ) If I don't want to be like someone I disrespect ( intensely) and consider myself an "asshole"....I'd better get my shit together and come down off of my high horse and have a little humility? Something that is sorely lacking...in Donald Trump's repertoire.
J