Feeling Ignored - The Non-ADHD Spouse Dilemna

Newlymarried -

If you're looking for a way out, maybe it's time before you get too far into this and eventually children are involved.  All of us on here love(d) our partners.  Some of us can make it work, other's can't, a few trying.  I'm one of the ones trying.  But trying is a two way street. If he is not going to hold up his end by taking his medication and learn to be a functioning ADHD then this really is no different then an alcoholic or drug addict bringing you down.  What would do if it weren't ADHD but drugs?

With mental illness, yes there are things that they can't control and things they do because of the illness. But if they are controlled and learn to function there may be traits you can live with because now you can learn to function around it. But you can't function around something that is out of control and you don't know if your coming or going.  It puts you in a tailspin.  

You don't deserve that.  I would have a very frank conversation, don't pull any punches or sugarcoat.  I would say, "We" (b/c this will show you will be supportive) "should go to the doctor and have your meds reevaluated.  Your body has grown used to this one and we should look at some other options." I would then put a date to it - he should make the appointment, not you.  This makes him accountable and responsible for himself and you aren't enabling.  Tell him he needs to get an appt by such and such date.  If he uses a smartphone, he should put it in there for a reminder.  Just a calendar put it there, or if it's a note on the fridge put it there.  But he has to do it.  I don't think a reminder or two is a bad thing.  ADHD's tend to get caught up in other things and they will forget. You should expect this med's or not.  

Having an ADHD spouse can feel like having a kid already. But once they are on Med's, learn to control things, it gets to be a bit easier. But you'll find you still have the reminders.

My partner is beginning to gain more control over her ADHD.  There are still things that work my nerves though.  These are things that I have to weigh which brings me to the message board for help, ideas, etc.  There is a book I'd recommend - "living with ADHD when you're not the one who has it'.  You can get it on Amazon.com.  It's the only book of it kind as it speaks to you and I and how we can take care of ourselves.  It's helped me to and keeps me from enabling. 

There is not an easy answer to this.  But the one thing I would say is this - before you bring in children, get yourselves on track.  This will not change if you have kids, it will just become harder and more out of control for you. Some on here have suffered for years with partners who haven't controlled it and would recommend you leave now.  Other's have been successful and would recommend you hang in there.  A few, like me are trying and still feeling our way through.  I would say that you, like me, still have some weighing do before making a final decision and you're in a good position to do so despite being married already.  Just remember this - it's not okay for him to say, "Well you knew I had ADHD when you married me, so deal with it".  That is not okay. 

I don't know if I helped or answered your question.  I wish you the best!

hey newlymarried, let me just say that I feel your pain and, maybe to the dismay of most of the other people here, I'm a man currently in the process of getting divorced and getting my marriage of about 4 years annulled.  Maybe a bit of background on this whole situation.  In my relationship (which spans about ten years), I've always been the responsible one.  Make sure bills get paid, doing all the clerical and upkeep of the household, etc. - she's the fun one who sets up things to do, trips to go on, etc.  If we had people over, she would do the cooking and I would clean up the mess....in fact, if there was a mess (any kind of mess), I would clean it up.  I truly understand what it is like to get a phone call at work with questions about performing the simplest tasks - I've often asked myself how did this person get through childhood?  Fact is I'm starting to realize I just inherited a variety of messes someone else was probably cleaning up for her until I took the reins.  Before we got married, I had a good, loyal girl who loved me and who may have been a little messy but what did I care, I loved her.  What kind of man would I be to not be with someone I loved because she was a little messy?  Well these problems were indicative of something much more serious.  As the first two or so years of marriage passed, things were good but slowly I came to resent her because our house was a mess and when I asked for the simplest task to get done, it wouldn't.  Then when I would nag (and I mean like after 50 times of asking "please take out the garbage today" or "please clean your closet up - it's literally falling into the hallway and I have to walk over your clothes to go to the kitchen" - btw, I don't like being a "nag", I hate it), she would begrudgingly pick the bag out of the garbage and goose stomp as she took out the trash.  Let me say there is true disappointment when you ask someone to do the simplest task and you clear your mind of it, work a full day and come home to complete the task yourself.  The only thought that would pop into my head is how important am I that my wife won't even try to help keep the home up nice for us?  Does it occur to her that bringing kids into this hovel was less appealing because how would it make sense to add on dirty diapers and empty bottles into this situation?  A few years of this past and it got to the point where, as many have said here, I inherited everything.  I mean everything - I did her dishes, I cleaned her closet, I cleaned the house, I paid the bills on time, I would even pick up her tampons (come on, I'm a guy....I'd do it once in a while but it was clockwork).  Do you know how it feels to come home from work (which my wife did NOT have - she worked doing private sessions with a handful of clients during the week, that's it) only to punch into your second job?  Do you know how it feels to want kids so bad but to be so scared their lives will be in jeopardy if in the care of this person?  My biggest goal at this point in my life is to start a family of my own but as our problems got worse, I started to resent my wife.  I carried the weight of all these tasks I'd do and would tell her about it calmly, madly, sadly, every way under the sun to get some help, any help.  Nothing worked.  I could not influence her AT ALL.  This to me translated into she didn't care about me, our marriage, my feelings, our future, nothing.  Our marriage problems got worse because she took my emotional withdrawal as I didn't love her anymore which IS NOT the case.  I was fed up with how I perceived I was being treated.  She developed a relationship with another guy which was literally hundreds of texts and emails for a brief period of time - she lavished in the attention.  When I found out about it, she cried and cried and completely denied anything physical ever happened.  Can you imagine how it felt to keep a household together with the last wit you can muster only to find your partner is focusing her energies on texting another man?  Well we went to counseling and what came of it?  She pinned it on me - I stopped showing interest in her life, it was my fault, I don't care enough, I spent no time with her.  How am I supposed to do all of the things she wants me to when I'm carrying the load of chores that most couples share?  I'm a normal guy, I'm not angry or crazy or anything but positive.  I'm from a great family and I am so blessed to have been given the life I have - just a preface to anyone who may be wondering about me (well maybe he's a complete jerk and deserved it!....I'm a teddy bear - I work hard and all I'd like is one or two vacations a year and some affection when I come home from work, that's it).  As I mentioned before, I wanted kids.  I still do.  In May of last year after a sessions with a marriage counselor, my wife and I were together that day before we briefly separated for a few weeks to go into our "separate corners" - therapist's words.  I didn't agree with it - people should work out problems together but I wanted to badly to do what I thought would help, make her happy, save our marriage.  Whatever it would take, however I disagreed with it.  Well months later I found out the day we were together before she went to stay at her Mom's, we had gotten pregnant and she aborted the child (without saying a word to me).  Needless to say this was the sign that was handed to me, in paper, that I had zero influence on what this person I love with all my heart did with her life and our marriage.  The mess is always made but the cleanup was never something she'd have to deal with and, therefore, consequences were nothing she was familiar with.  I spent the time we started seeking help in November, 2008 - August, 2009 getting therapy to save our marriage.  Her therapist, my therapist, two different couples' therapists and while I bled to do everything she wanted that I thought would make her happy (I made a loooooong checklist), she did not lift a finger in very much the same fashion.  Some of you may be reading this and thinking she was just a bad wife.  I'm telling you - no one who loves a person would do all those things to someone they love so dearly.  I hear from her every now and again and she is miserable and wants me to come home - those voicemails, emails and texts sting.  It took every ounce of strength I could work up to pack my car on six different trips to move all my stuff out and proceed with removing myself from this helpless situation.  As I sit here though, I can tell you there is nothing that makes you feel as bad as when the person you do everything for breaks your heart and ignores your pleas to meet you halfway while you lose your mind, bit by bit.  I miss her everyday, I love her and I want to be with her more than you can know but a marriage is not about fulfilling a commitment of pain and degradation.  It's about promising to fulfill your collective life goals built on love and trust and doing whatever it takes to make the other person happy.  To this day and I'm sure for many to come, she will continue to ask me to come home and I will always want to.  But if your gut is telling you the road you're taking is in the wrong direction, listen to it and recognize it's not selfish to let someone endure the consequences of their actions.  Otherwise you'll be cleaning up these messes for the rest of your life while your partner will continue thinking it's ok.  In my experience, life is not perfect and living anything less than what you DESERVE just is not right.  We all deserve love and respect and certainly if we give, I say it's ok to expect some getting too.  I'm hoping someday to have a  family - it just won't be with this girl.  Sad because she means the world to me.  Doesn't mean she is right for me though.  Hope this helps.       

Hey

I can well understand your problems.  I just found out my husband has ADD after 10 years of marriage.  We have children.  I thought I might be able to provide some perspective for you.  I adore my husband.  And I say that despite his alcoholism - he's been sober for two years now, the ebay spending binges, the ridiculous arguments about nothing etc etc etc.  He has been on anti anxiety meds also for a few years and this has definitely helped.  However, if I were to turn the clock back to where you are now, would I do it again?  No, probably not.  And I hate to say that because he is a wonderful person at heart.  I am lonely.  There is just not the intimacy you would expect.  I have basically raised our two children alone while he has been either drunk, inattentive, basically useless.  If you think you have it bad now, you have no idea how bad it could get if your husband doesn't want to change his behavior and you have kids.  And surely that is the caveat - being willing to try to change.  I am fortunate that my husband is about to start medication and therapy.  I HOPE this will eventually give me the relationship I crave, but seriously who knows?  Most new parents have no idea how difficult it will be to adjust to their first born - the grenade it launches into your relationship.  Throw an ADHD husband into the mix who doesn't want to change, or isn't changing to the point where you are happy with him....honestly, please, please don't do it.  Maybe my opinions are somewhat tainted with own memories of returning from hospital after a c-section to a husband with so little empathy he asked me to unpack the suitcases from the car...then proceeded to cook himself dinner....then was drunk all night...you get the idea.  God it's so bad you have to laugh.  Eventually.  Years later. 

If you can afford it, or your health insurance covers it, find a therapist to talk to - for you.  Listen to your friends as they will counteract your own emotional perspective with a more logical viewpoint.  Sometimes an ultimatum is needed...either he gets help or you're leaving...?  Just don't have children unless things change!!

I know you posted a while ago so I don't know if this will help.  I was married to an ADHD person for 7 years and had 2 kids with him and both of my boys have this condition, one is ADHD and is now 21, the other is ADD and 24 as well as married.  Would not change anything those boys are my life and have been there through everything with me.  The only reason that marriage disintegrated is because he started self medicating with drinking and other substances.  This does not work and he became abusive.  I am remarried to you guessed it, another ADHD man.  15 years.  It has been tough but we have worked through it. He also had some self medicating issues which he brought under control.  I have learned to let a lot of things go, work on what we can, cleaning the house together is a recent discovery that works well, making sure we have  a date night, once a week is all I ask where he is all about me and I am all about him.  We absolutely do not discuss any relationship problems this night either, we just hang out, laugh, go to dinner and/or a movie or make dinner together on the grill, sit outside with our tiki torches lit or enjoy a movie at home.  The home things have actually become our favorite because it is less money, we are making dinner and cleaning the dishes together, enjoying a glass of wine and just having fun.   I found that when I stopped nagging him and came to the realization that I can't change him but I can change the way I react to him, things started to change.  Slowly at first but then quickly.  I had to become humble and take the first steps.  Took about a year to turn it around.  We were also on the verge of divorce but I would think about all the good things we had done over the years and all we had worked so hard to accomplish as well as the fact I still loved him very much.  I figure, if you are still in love, its worth fighting for and working on.   It can be done, it does take work and the spouse with ADHD does feel like things are out of control and if he is saying you married me knowing this, deal with it, well you can deal with it but he can also deal with it and he has to.  That is a cop out for his behavior saying that it is OK, I cant help it so deal with it.  He can work on it as well.  Probably not best to confront him with that though, trust me, he will figure it out on his own if you change the way you react to him.  Best advise I can tell you is tell him how much you love him and you know he loves you and you want to make this work and don't accuse him of the marriage not working because of him, worst thing you can do.  Everyone must take some responsibility in a relationship that is faltering. It is always hardest to admit oneself is making a mistake, but we are only human and we will make mistakes.  You have to acknowledge it, not accuse each other of it being the others fault.  It took me 22 years of marriages to figure this out.  My husband will always do things that bug me, I will always do things that bug him, relationships must always be worked on, it is not easy but it can be so rewarding and worthwhile.  Just take it a few baby steps at a time.  Tackle each thing one at a time, let the small things go, because they are just small things, the important thing is to start spending 1 special night a week with each other to start repairing that part of the relationship, the rest will follow through.  He will want to start saving for retirement and trips because this means spending time with you free from all the pressures of work.  My oldest son took medication for a while but not very long, he was not hyper so the teachers didn't push him to take it, my youngest one took it until he got into high school.  He hated how it made him feel.  It was a struggle at first for him when he got off the medication but after the first year, he started to do really well.   It is a constant struggle for him to stay organized but I know he can do it with some gentle persuasion and help.  I stopped the nagging a while ago, does not work at all - trust me.  With my husband, I made sure to start using sweety and honey whenever I addressed him, that brought the walls down very quickly.  Even when I am mad at him, I use it, it really difuses the situation.  I would start texting him out of the blue telling him how much I loved him.  Pack him a lunch every once in a while with a love note.  You start doing that, he will start to do the same.  It just takes time.  I hope some of this has helped you in your decision and I really hope you have not given up on your husband yet.  Feel free to e-mail me if you want, I did set up the contact sheet, just don't know exactly how it works.  I hope this helps anyone else that reads it as well.  You can have a happy marriage and a spouce that does pay attention to you as well as keeps themselves organized, chances are, your kids will have the same condition, but you know how to handle it by then, you have had plenty of training LOL  If you work hard at it and compromise and have lots of patience your spouse will reciprocate.  If I can do it, trust me, anyone can  - Ann :)

That is a hard thing to do for normal men let alone someone with ADD/ADHD trying to read our spouses minds!! 

It helps if we write things down, keep a journal of the hints you give us, or comments you make that will let us know that you like something without actually telling us.  I do not like it when my wife has to tell me certain things to get because I usually forgot or did not listen when she said something.  When I found out I had ADD and how much having a journal or writing stuff down has helped me I am super pissed that I did not have this earlier.  I think it would have saved my marriage from where it is now. 

I always thought that wild flowers were my wife's favorite and I would get them about every other week and set them on table.  She enjoyed them but they were not her favorite.  She told me about 3-4 years ago what were her favorite flowers and I did not remember until she mention something about 3 months before her b-day this year!  It was a fast comment, something in passing but I ran downstairs and wrote it down.  For her birthday I got her a dozen yellow tulips delivered to her work.  I passed that test!

So, have your husband start writing things down, the hints, the comments about what you like, it will help him remember and keep him out of the dog house!

Wayne

This depends...

My husband knows ALL of my favorites (color, drink, chocolate, places to eat, etc) but if we're having a conversation about something else, he "reads my mind" and can be VERY wrong a lot of the time. Never assume anything...write it down for him if you have to. Whatever it takes to make the marriage less stressful for everyone and more peaceful for everyone as well. :)

I won't even go into the times that I've tried to read his mind....eek!

It sounds like you're struggling with some very real issues (that are not just you!) that may or may not be related to the ADHD and I empathize with the very difficult choice you are faced with.  I can tell you that adding children to the mix does NOT make it any easier.  There is a lot to keep track of, demands on time are greater, and resentment can build with taking on more than your fair share of the household and child-rearing duties.  Interest in the relationship wanes because of the lack of attention so even though he may tell you that spending time together is important, sex is important, your relationship is important, etc, the follow-through is just not there, at least in my experience.  I have 3 children whom I love dearly so I can't say that I regret staying married but I probably would have made a different decision in the early years if I knew then what I know now.  Best of luck to you on this very personal and heartbreaking choice.

Newlymarried,

I have been married to my ADHD husband for over 14 years and I can tell you that things have only worsened over time.  This is a horrific disease and in my experience ONLY can be managed when the ADHD spouse comes to grips with his or her disease and makes a commitment to getting help.  I will likely divorce in 2011.  All signs are pointing in that direction.  It is heart-breaking, but I no longer have the ability to be co-dependent in this disfunction.  I feel for you!

Have you been able to make any meaningful changes that have resulted in an improvement in your marriage?  Cognitive behavioral therapy? new meds? 

Reading your post this morning gave me some hope that men with ADHD might be able to change.  I am a woman married to an ADHD man.  This man was the love of my life.  I now have such deep disdain for the damage that he has done to our marriage.  Infidelity, porn addiction, no consistent work, bursts of anger, depression, impulsive spending, mis-management of finances, inability to be intimate.  Wow, who in their right mind would be interested in this marriage - right.  The ONLY thing holding us together is my memory of how it was and how I long for it to be.  He WAS the love of my life.  I am 46 and it is time for me to move on.

Has your husband sought help or read about ADD? I had No idea I had it until my diagnosis at 40+ years old. I looked at the doctor like he was crazy and he told me to read "You Mean I'm not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?". I had not gotten through a book in years, no kidding... I read it with a highlighter in one weekend.

I responded well to Adderall and things are better for me and my family. The interesting paradox I see is that I have sought out all kinds of info relating to ADD, from both perspectives, to better understand myself and my affects on those around me. My wife has not really read much about ADD and thinks I put too much on it's effects.

Two years later things are better, but there is still a lot of anger/frustration over the past that never seems to go away. A major resentment has been created by my weight loss. I was never an addict of any kind, except for food. We always had this in common and now I don't, so there is anger that my Pill has the ultimate side-effect of weight loss. We have finally agreed to disagree on the subject, unfortunately. I have mentioned this website and wish she would visit and see that her experiences are not unique.

I know I had a big bucket to fill, regarding trust and self important behavior, so I apologize for past actions, try to learn new coping skills and deal with things better than before. Maybe one day the hurt and anger will be far behind us.

Good luck and thanks for posting...

He is doing it. At least give him a chance before you give up or you are no better. After all, are you not the healthy one? You should be pleased that he feels strongly enough to try something he is reticent to try. Maybe something will stick. And just so you know, this is a lifetime condition which needs careful management. Would you kick out a diabetic husband for reluctance to try another treatment?

Anna,

I feel the same as you do, and I've been educating myself. The more I learn, the more I want people around me to learn, and it's hard because until you are faced with the situation you and I are both in, it doesn't make sense. The more I read I feel guilt, I feel sad, and confused, because  this is certainly NOT what I had in mind when we were dating I thought oh my GOD there really is someone who is going to do the thing you "ONLY HEAR ABOUT" and he's going to be everything I always dreamed of. Well as you know by now that all wears off, because the "hyper focus" ya it goes away and you're back to being a parent to someone you once loved and wanted to be in love with. I have two beautiful girls my husband went all through school and college and knew something was wrong, but just didn't know what. It wasn't until we had a major argument and the book driven by distraction was purchased that we both realized he we can work on this. Thing got better for awhile we had our first daughter.......repeated with the "HYPER FOCUS" behavior so now not only am I ignored so is my oldest daughter, fast forward our 2nd daughter was born she'll be 2 in August, well he's still focused on her, it didn't wear off yet, but it will. I'm tired of feeling guilty for my feelings I'm exhausted parenting him and my two girls I hate having a room mate and not a soul mate, and the whole time he is ok with it, it doesn't bother him a bit. I've bought book upon book, I've joined groups I've talked to many many people, and the only conclusion I can come up with is I can educate myself until the cows come home, but it's not going to help until my husband learns how to deal with this CURSE on a daily basis, not just when I flip my lid. your husband will have to do the same they need to have the correct thought process we can't make them think the same way we think it's like we're on FM radio, and they're on AM and have no tuning button. Wish you the best while it can be rewarding, it can also be hell my husbands family enables him so that makes it even harder to deal with.

No one should be treated like that. It seems that putting up with it is enabling the behavior. Mental illness isn't a choice but understanding it and treating it is. My heart goes out to you. My ADHD husband has put me through h e double hockey sticks and recently told me he was an alcoholic. Now I'm hoping things will turn out okay since he is in recovery (so he says), but everything seems to just revolve around him. He doesn't even seem to have the ability to see past himself. Why should anyone have to live with another person who is careless with your heart and needs? That's unrealistic, in my opinion.

He has to talk to you while you do your share of the work of maintaining your home. That means he can't watch TV or read or anything else. How is that easier for him than just doing it himself? Doesn't that mean everything takes him twice as long is non-ADHD-affected couples?

My husband knew I was handicapped when he married me (I could hardly hide it; nor did I want to.) but I didn't know he has ADD (no H). That seems unfair. I had no idea I was marrying a man who would not carry his share of the burdens of life, either financial or domestic. It probably isn't fair that he's married to a person who can't walk at a normal pace, but he knew that when he married me. I guess, if you were someone like me, you'd be screaming in frustration because I can't keep up.

My husband lost all his teeth by his mid-40s because he didn't brush properly. Now he has dentures. I find the idea that you can't remember to brush your own teeth rather amazing. It is not fair to you because you could lose your teeth. It probably isn't fair to your husband or co-workers because you are more likely to have bad breath. I don't see how you can stand it.

I did not know that I had ADD until I was 43 years old. I'm the ADD guy in the marriage and after diagnosis Everything made better sense. The meds helped me see everything I was missing, but that is only part of the treatment. You also need therapy, at least for a while, and you need to learn as much as possible about how ADD affects Everyone around you. There are a lifetime of bad coping skills that develop in ADDer's. It takes hard work to un-do these and learn better ways to deal with things. I know it must totally suck for you right know, but you can't fix her, you can only try to get help for yourself. There are many people on this site from both sides of ADD who can help you. The more you know, the better, so you can decide what to do. I've heard many of the Non-ADDer's say it helped to separate the ADD from the Person. This must be Very hard, because the ADD traits are Very Personal. ADDer's cannot hide behind the diagnosis and expect improvement, but it is really scary to admit you have a brain disorder and step up and punch the ADD traits in the face.

Hang in there...  

hmm... would you really use the diagnosis as an excuse? what would be the difference with knowing without diagnosis?

on the other hand, the diagnosis can help you a lot. There are many options for treatment you are discarding even before trying them. Why don't you give yourself the chance to decide not to treat you just after you are sure this is not the best option for you?

She might need a little help, though.

Does she try to improve or not at all? If she is trying there are lots of things you can do to help her, starting by writing a schedule that includes everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, including brushing teeth and personal hygiene. You have no idea how much mind clears when the everyday activities are written and you just have to follow what is next.

If your husband is not willing to work with you on his ADHD issues and your repsonse to them, in my opinion, you should leave. You are setting yourself up for heartbreak after heartbreak. I shed tears when I read Melissa's excellent and hopeful book about the ADHD effect on marriage. I can only manage me. It is possible to have a successful ADHD marriage but ONLY if your spouse is willing to do the work. Mine isn't so none of the strategies she suggests will work for our marriage. Sadly, I am resigned to a stressful marriage for the rest of my life. It's your call, but think carefully of the heartache you will experience daily. Even though you love someone with all your heart that can't make it work. I hesitate to present such a negative senario but that is what I am living day after day. 

If your husband is not willing to work with you on his ADHD issues and your repsonse to them, in my opinion, you should leave. You are setting yourself up for heartbreak after heartbreak. I shed tears when I read Melissa's excellent and hopeful book about the ADHD effect on marriage. I can only manage me. It is possible to have a successful ADHD marriage but ONLY if your spouse is willing to do the work. Mine isn't so none of the strategies she suggests will work for our marriage. Sadly, I am resigned to a stressful marriage for the rest of my life. It's your call, but think carefully of the heartache you will experience daily. Even though you love someone with all your heart that can't make it work. I hesitate to present such a negative senario but that is what I am living day after day. 

I, too, amm married to an ADHD spouse. I read Melissa's book about the ADHD effect on marriage. I can only change me and this book only works if both partners are willing to do the work. Unfortunately my husband won't. I have resigned myself to a miserable marriage, stressful every day, often ending in tears for me. You need to assess your situation and make you own choices but I encourage you to look carefully at what you life will be like when you are the only one working to make this marriage work. In my opinion, leave before you turn into someone you never thought you would be: bitter and beaten down.

I am surprised no one has seconded your thoughts - I am in your position, only a few years into the marriage, and I know exactly what you mean. I can feel your pain and applaud you for trying so hard. Just wanted you to know, you are not alone with such thoughts, someone in NY understands...

Having a spouse with ADHD can be very frustrating. You are led to believe everything is your fault. The bad times can be very bad but the good times can also be very good. I am 14 years married and my husband was diagnosed 5 years ago. Our marriage is a lot of work and sometimes I just want to give up. If you are not up to the work than yes I would get out but if you can't imagine your life without him than the work is worth it.

Dear Ann Norment,

You leave me feeling very encouraged, thank-you. I am old school ADHD, I was diagnosed at five with A.D.S. (Attention Deficit Syndrome in 1968) and have had to deal with it my whole life. I wish I could take Adderall XR but because of the abuse of drugs in the West and the Asian Opium wars of the past many medicines are unavailable here and so I take Ritalin. Anyway, there is always hope and we just have to keep taking life one day at a time. I am on the other end of the spectrum, I want more attention from my Non-ADHD spouse.

I am a Special Education & Gifted/Talented certified teacher. In my day, ADHD was considered a form of mental retardation. I have suffered but continued to fight. Medical professionals told my mom that I needed to go to a special school for retarded children and that I would never amount to anything.  Yet, I have since graduated college with my master's Degree and now teach. Unmedicated, I am still unfocused, constantly distracted and meet "all the criteria" of ADHD. Now, I have a lovely Chinese wife and a beautiful future ahead of me. Anyway, this is my second marriage and I really want to make it work. When we first met I was the subject of her "hyper-focus," as I keep hearing it referred to by the Non-ADHD Spouses of this forum. And now, she is busy with her life and I am left feeling lonely and ignored, just like the rest of you describe.

It's just life, people fall in love, are in love and then eventually find that they are no longer "in love" but continue to love each other. I think, well maybe that is life... I remember reading that Heraclitus once said: "Nothing is permanent except change" and so I continue to try to direct my life in the way, I desire. Pompous, sure, but so what... I just want to feel happy and to live a fulfilling life.

Aloha,

Eddy (The crazy foreigner)

I wish all of you a happy and fulfilled life.

Dear Extremely Driven,

i think you are so cool! All my life I knew people like us were different and generally though "they were the weirdos" my friends and I referred to them as "mundane" because they were so slow, insensitive, dull witted and awkward. Then after years of ridicule, scorn no mater how hard I try to be like them through behavioral modification and "medicine" I've come to feel much more accepting of them. I admire their strengths and work hard to gain similar strength although I stil do not understand the and find them perplexing. The luckiest thing for me is that I now live in China where I am appreciated for my strengths and tolerated for my differences because, I'm an exotic foreigner from America. Chinese do not understand Westerners and feel: Ha ha, so funny, foreigner so crazy, never can understand their thinking way." But, at least I am accepted and appreciated for who I am. 

All I really wanted to say was I really enjoyed reading your post and think I would have enjoyed knowing you.

Aloha,

Eddy

Hi!  Can you tell me which book you bought for yourself?  Did you find it personally helpful? Thanks!

34 years and 5 children later, and we're still where you are today.  My children are my life, and I'm sure my reward for remaining with this man. I "love" him only because he is the father of my children, but I can tell you I truly hate him. We didn't realize what ADHD was until about 15 years ago, just thought he was an egotistical a$$. We know now that he has ADHD and I can tell you, he's still an egotistical a$$. EXTREMELY successful at work, (a sought after world wide technical expert/speaker in his field) and in whatever he enjoys or wants, but it is all about him. Unfortunately, our children feel pretty much the same about him, but they realize that they can leave and have a life of their own, so they can deal with him on their terms.  We only have one child left at home for a couple of years yet. I wish I could tell you that they change, but I cannot.  Keep reading and see what is the general consensus of non-ADHD spouses. You will find much pain, anger, bitterness, lonliness, hopelessness, regrets and depression, just to name a few. Most have experienced them all..... I wish I would have RUN and NEVER LOOKED BACK. Good luck to you, I wish you peace...M

I got to the place you are at about a year ago.  Hard to explain to others that it isn't the same as "giving up."  I don't feel resigned at all.  I feel quite free, actually.  I think it is because I have finally, to paraphrase Melody Beattie, the co-dependency author, I have finally stopped "forcing what isn't" and "resisting what is."  I have accepted what I have and don't have, what he can do and what he can't do, and I just .... go forward!  When you stop trying to make something into something else, it feels... wonderful.  Best wishes.

Hi there.  I saw your post yesterday and it really resonated with me to a level that reached my heart - finally!  I am not married yet but I am in a serious relationship with a man that sounds just like your wife.  We are going to be getting engaged and I really need to talk to someone.  Would you be up for a conversation via email?  I really want to talk to someone that would understand and obviously, you will.  Please let me know! It says not to post email addresses so I don't know how to havea  private conversation with you.  I really need some help here  - thank you!  Thank you so much! 

Ann,

I really could connect with what you shared! I've been married 21 years to a wonderful man. It's only been in the last 5 years that he was diagnosed with ADHD, but once we realized what it was, we started working on understanding it, and recovering from years of frustration.

this year has been rough. I lost my dad to kidney failure in December. Life was set aside and we as a family were in crisis mode for months surrounding this. Now it's summer, 7 months have gone by, and what a beating we've put our marriage thru. I think we both forgot everything we learned. 

I am a Christian too. Any words of encouragement or survival tips would be great! 

Thanks!

chris

I was re-reading some old posts and found this one of "welltheresyourproblem" under "Finally figured it out."  It is worth reading again from the beginning. I copied parts of it to re-read again later.  This is where my thoughts are as well.  The ideas are explained so well.  My sanity depends on making these changes in my head also.  Acceptance, for me, means to not expect dh to be a cooperative equal partner.  My sanity hinges on me doing everything and not wanting change.   Having expectations of partnership and intimacy with dh has been making me crazy.  I am working on giving up those expectations.  He is JUST NOT ABLE or unwilling to be a cooperative partner.  The thing that baffles me is "Where did my courage guts and nerve go? Why have I permitted myself to be stuck like this?" 

From the bottom of my heart I thank you for your words. To have this insight from your point of view has made me realise that I have rightfully defended my partner all along. He has not been diagnosed with ADHD but displays all the 'symptoms'. We have been together for just over 3 years and at times it is amazingly wonderful and then other times I want to beat my head against the wall out if frustration. We often joke about his 'craziness' and his inability to be anywhere on time, although it does get hard to handle at times. Many others look at him as if he is psychotic or insane because he is all over the place and all at the same time, and he never stops talking..... I always say, that's my boy! People not only judge him, but judge me for being with him.Reading your words has taken all the frustration away and allowed me to reassess the situation from his point of view. I adore this man and his quirkiness, whether it is actually ADHD or not,. I am the one who needs to chill out and let him be who he is because I love who he is and he loves me. I truly cannot thank you enough for initiating a paradigm shift in me that may just save the most precious and rewarding relationship in my life. Thank you

I am sorry you are going through this.  I have heard, "I'm working on it." for 40 years.  That phrase means to me now, "Stop talking. Let me be."  It really is frustrating when you know how good it COULD be between two people who are communicating and working TOGETHER.  I hear you.  You are not alone.  I hope you have friends and family to help you through.  We need family we can depend on.

Dear Ann,

i don't know if you'll ever see this. I'm wondering how things are going now, three years later? 

When my husband and I first married I NEVER knew why he behaved this way. I decided it had to be me. If he REALLY loved me why would he be so inattentive? It took THIRTY years to find out why... Even though, together, two out of three of our birth children were diagnosis at age three and four, it never occurred to me that my husband was the donating DNA. I took responsibility for EVERYTHING. I have been drowning for all these years. Together we have six children all now adults.

Early on in our marriage I wrote my husband notes EVERY week day for close to two years. I told him if he wanted to keep getting things like this in the mail he would have to reciprocate at least a few times. Went he never did, I eventually stopped. I decided that his new fetish for rock climbing meant more to him that I EVER could...

It is JUST BARELY turning around now. A lot of resentment to let go of for enduring and sacrificing SO much in our lives. It is actually a full scale 'grieving process'. Sometimes I wonder if I'm even capable of getting past such a gigantic and lengthy loss of who or what I COULD have been. He tells me now just to leave him. I know he thinks he is being gallant but you can imagine what a rejection it feels like after THIS long.

Please update your status. Thank you for posting this!

Dear Defeated,

The painful memories of my own relationship, having an ADHD spouse, two boys with it, and four other children, over the past THIRTY years, is frightening! I'm just logging in to tell you, and others who have posted, that I am SO sorry for the pain that you are going through! 

I have used the analogy of treading water in the ocean as my husband throws large rocks for my to hold on to and still swim. Each of the rocks has a name: unemployment, six children, laser focused on ANYTHING else, accumulation of messes left for me to clean up, unfilled tax returns, overdrawn check charges, huge projects left undone for years, deferred home maintenance, borrowing against our 401K WITHOUT me knowing it (this is a NEW rock just hurled at me a little over a week ago). All while he hides in 375+ pages of action novels (186 novels read in 26 months) and I'm still trying desperately to stay afloat.

Many a time have I sank to the bottom and still managed to rise to the top. I'm still not even sure why I try. Maybe, like you, I have too many years and children vested  into our relationship.  You are NOT alone!!! Good luck!

My husband also has ADHD. We've been married for 12 long years. I can't stand being around him. He always blames me for his issues such as losing his car keys, phone or wallet. I get tired of it. Last night I asked to used me car today and he called me selfish and I got so upset and hurt. He just recently started taking ADHD med but I don't see much difference. He's into he computer 24/7 and does web development. Soon as he comes home he constantly on his phone texting his friends back and forth. We used to hang out a lot and got along great but not anymore. Some how I always gets blamed for his issues and he's always right and not me. I had a job for over seven years that I recently quit to stay home with my two kids and go to school. He's never kept a job more than two years except when he was in the military. He thinks I do nothing around the house and he thinks he doesn't need to help out at home. I always clean up after my husband mess plus the kids. If he can't find something he'll tear apart the house till he finds it then leaves the mess cause somehow it's my fault. I get tired of it. We haven't slept together in over a year and I want to have a good relationship but I can't keep this up. Any advice with dealing with this would help. Thank You.

Dear After,

You have written on a thread that appears inactive. The chance of someone seeing it and responding would be low. Having said that, I just read it. You appear to be new to this site. Welcome.

If you look at my name in the corner it should appear in blue, Resigned2B. Press or click on it. That will take you to every post I've made here. That will help you understand my own background and why I'm taking this position.

I too, have been in it over thirty years. We now have six adult children. You're right, it never changes. How you react to it is the ONLY thing that changes. I know that puts all the burden on you. A burden you've likely carried with you for thirty years and you (rightly!) sound like you've had enough!

You are 49 and didn't say anything about having children You may feel like being 49 you are too old to leave. It is NOT too old to leave! Picture yourself saying all these same things when you are 59. THEN it really might be too late to start again. And instead of wasting thirty years it will be over forty! 

When you read my story please come back to the thread and ask me anything you'd like. Good luck to you!

Dear Pragmatist​,

Please come back to the thread and let us know how your new found 'hope' works out for you...

Dear Disheartened,

I have friends that are married to ADHD men that are angels. I'm hoping one of my sons meet people like them to marry. They seem to have a knack with their spouses that balance out the couple.

However, the only reason they're not writing to this site is because they don't know about it. I know their stories match many of the difficulties found here.

Melissa Orlov's book it written to help give hope to people in this type of relationship. On the side, she started this site so people struggling on each side of this issue can exchange ideas. The good news is that ADHD is not found in Heaven. So, if an eternal relationship interests you, the  wrenches of ADHD thrown into your life can be considered mere stumbling blocks of a brighter life as an eternal family.

Living happily with an ADHD spouse is an art. Like living with anyone who has a disability, it takes time, patience, understanding, a sense of humor and a degree in detective work to follow up on every word they tell you.  Apparently, it can be done. The question remains with you. Do you want to spend the rest of your life dealing with these kinds of patterns. Know too, that any children you may have together will likely have, either a full blown case, or milder symptoms. 

That's very important to understand. At that point, you will not only have your husband to deal with, but children who display the same bewilderment on how to get from point A to B.
You will be responsible for teaching those children coping skills for an illness you don't even understand yourself. 

There are many endearing qualities these people have. Please come back and let us know how you are doing. 

Good luck...

Hi Xiongmao,

I support you to not over generalize and think that all relationships impacted by ADHD are disasters.  And to also realize that there are plenty of non-ADHD relationships that can be.

But I also want to suggest that you get to know your boyfriend very well before you make a strong commitment to a forever after.  It is really important to get to know him and all of his particular issues (as I would suggest to anyone getting into any serious relationship) so that you are honest with yourself about whether he is the right person for you.  ADHD does pose its interesting challenges.  It does often require more energy, more acceptance and more patience than the average relationship.  But everyone's ADHD is different from the next person's so it is impossible to know exactly how his will show up based on what you read on this forum.  You will have your own personal experience, and so I hope you will be open minded if this is someone you truly love.  You will want to make your own decision about what will work for you and what won't, and that should be your decision alone to make.

Wow! I've stayed for thirty years. I guess I must be a super wife... ;)

Here's a thought. Perhaps you could speak privately with his ex. My guess is she will tell you just what you already know. If the idea creeps into your mind that he would never treat you that way? Ignore it, he absolutely would!

My husband had a first wife. That marriage lasted five years and together, they have one daughter. When I heard his ex- wife's complaints I made the mistake of thinking it was related to her. After all she was nothing like me. I was wrong.

She complained to me about how rude it was for him to be so late in picking up her daughter for visitation. How their daughter was counting on him keeping his word. 
This is what I said: "Listen up. He does NOT play favorites with his children. He is constantly late for EVERY child he has. Why in the world should YOUR daughter get special treatment?"

She was well aware, after living with him five years, that I was echoing what she had experienced. She said nothing in retort. She knew he would hopelessly be forever the same way and that her daughter, like our children, just better get used to it.

They are all grown now. They have ALL gotten used to it. They love Jim dearly. If they want him to be on time to their wedding or some other special occasion, they know they MUST tell him the event starts at least an hour before it actually does.

My husband is a great guy with a loving heart. Perhaps that is why it is so hurtful when he doesn't come though for us...

My boyfriend and I have been together on off for 4 years. The last two where solid until 2 weeks ago. In May he started changing and going to old habits. I brought them to his attention and inquired of any problems going on. His answer, as it is to most of my questions was "I don't know" . That is very frustrating to me. I pride my self in my patience but he has pushed me to the edge.  Recently our fights have become more heated, especially on my end. That is very unlike me. I'm the calm one he listens and try's to compromise or pick my battles. My friends husband has been going through a tough time and the other night she explained to me about how people with adhd have these problems. She said depression and anxiety. I remember my boyfriend telling me weeks before he had add but had it under control. I dismissed it. The next day, after speaking with my friend  I looked up adult adhd. I also found this website! Blessing! I bought the book "couples guide to thriving with adhd" it was like reading about our relationship. I now understand his way of thinking and behaving better. I see my mistakes and how I can learn to heal our relationship. Last night he broke up with me. Should I bring up this information to him now or give him some space first? I know he struggling and doesn't know what it is but now I know it's his unmanaged adhd. I don't want to disrespect him by telling him this. Please guide me in the best way to find a solution. I love who he is and I know with this new knowledge we can make things work! I don't want to lose him. I know we are a great team  and now knowing how to work with adhd I know we can be very happy together. I feel lost. 

Thank you 

And to top it all off - I am told by "him" that I have high standards.  Can I just ask - if I have high standards living like this?? What is everyone else getting out of life? 

I've been at this now for over 31 years. You're right. It never ends. If you have kids with it they're issues never end either. You just simply pass the baton to some poor, unsuspecting victim... :(

Dear ThomsonR, My husband and aunt are ADHD, my father and other aunt are Bi-polar. Every case is different, in different ways and I am not a doctor, or an expert by any means, but the major themes that you are describing remind me more of Bi-polar than ADHD. It can be hard to decipher, as they can both effect family in similar ways, but the hoarding, the anger, the intense highs associated with spending money...this screams bi-polar to me. You may be able to function with an untreated ADHD case, but someone with Bi-polar needs to be treated otherwise it can get worse, much much worse. Sincerely, TravelBug

I wish I had answers for you. I'm living the exact same life, tho he is my partner. We are not legally married. we've been together for 9 years now and we agreed a marriage license was not a necessity. He & I don't have children. But he has 3 of his ex-girlfriends kids that he has claim to, of sorts. He has none of his own. And mine are fully grown & live in another state. 

He hid his ADHD for a long time but I'd say in the last 2 yrs., we've discivered thru therapy that he has it. But that isn't the only problem. Since last year when I had heart surgery I've discovered he was cheating on me. The 1st time, he paid for it, so he claimed it wasn't actual cheating. Now this year, it's with a fellow worker at hisa company that he's known a long time & I knew that also. But before, this shenanigans was not going on. (I don't think ?)

He is anatural born flirt, so I've let a lot of it go. Until now. I caught him at cheating because there were too many signs of it and I had to somehow get into his phone which he keeps attached to him everywhere he goes. Plus, all of technical stuff all has passwords that I don't know.  But one night I found his phone (in our bed ) Where he usually leaves it at night, but he must've fallen asleep before he locked it, so I got int it. He was to be getting up soon so Ihad to rush to see anything.And get to put it back before he woke up or I would've seen more !!

Well, what I did see was not pretty. It hurts more than standing on a pack of nails that are on fire !! And then more !!!  Texting, pictures, lovey-dovey stuff. You know how it goes.  I am sick and he refuses to cut itoff with her as I ask him to.Why ? No idea for sure. I mean, as faras I know he's gone with her, she must be still texting him at least. He said he's ignoring her and she hasn't contacted him ? I think it's Bullahit. I wish so badly that I could get back into his phone or his  computer !!  I want to go and tell her off because I do know where she lives and her phone number & name. Not much else tho. Except for job which I could screw her up on too, if I wanted to. But that would only hurt me because my guy wousd freak out over it.

He's naping right now cause he has a therapy appt. soon. So he came home early from work. Then after therapy, he has work again at amother place ? Or so he says. Cause I don't see another aycheck coming in. Unless he's been hiding it. Like some other things I notice missing.

Here's my problem though. I love him and I'm already in my 60's and have disabilities. I thought he was going to be my end of the line guy. I hated dating. I don't want to back to doing that. Got a lot of young guys who ust wanted easy sex, so they contacted me. Nothing to be serious about, I don't want that. I want the guy I have now. He is a little younger by 4 yrs. but that's not much.

He's complaining about my disabilities cause most of the women that were in his ife before also had disabilities and eventually died.  So that's what he sees happening to me too. And worried when he goes out I won't be there for him. What an ass. There are so many ways to compwnsate for things I suffer from, which he knew he day I met him because I told him I had stuff wrong & the meds I took. But now he's got stuff wrong & takes meds. So because he's getting to  be 60 soon, he's freakin' out !!  I'm going to die on him. Then he'll have nobody to drive him anywhere r take care ofhim.  That's the excuse he's giving me. Well damn it, what about his kids ? Stupid excuses as usual. I guess that's what the ADHD does to hisbrain. Or maybe he's just using an excuse overall ?

He's been pulling some very irresponsible things lately too. Like going out without me because I don't like how he fidgets in the car so he drives alone. Then he stays out late or doesn't come home til the next day & feels that nothing is wrong with that ? There's so much more, I'd need a book to write it all down. But you deserve a break. Just thought I'd let ya know that your not at all alone. You have all of my sympathies. God Bless.

Thanks Ann for giving me some insight on handling an ADHD mate. I can see how most of this would work. I am not an extremely openly affectionate person, tho at times I can be. When we first met, he was so all over me I couldn't stand it. I was so used to being and doing things for myself. He was a bit annoying....But very sweet now that I think of it.  I wish we had that part of our relationship back.  Gosh, it was so good !! He tries very hard. But this thing with his flirting and feeling so involved with people dying drives me crazy. I can manage his flirting aas ong as that stays to all it is, but he had cheated on me more than once and it is killing me. I don't think he's gone really far with any of it, but I did see some of their text messages and thought I would die !!  I love him so dearly. We've been together for 9 yrs. now and believe me, he is my last one. I will not date again or even look. I was about to give up when he found me online. THe 1st time he did it to me, I was hospitalized after having heart bypass surgery. I guess it scared him pretty badly. He's had a bad experience with the women in his life for a long time. Mom went young. Plus was paralyzed since soon after giving birth to him. Might be some self blame in there somewhere ? His grandparents went soon after too. So he was responsible for all their care by himself cause no family helped him. Little chance to live his life be cause of all of this. Plus, he had no idea he had ADHD then.  His mom made sure however, that he did lots of things himself at least. And he traveled a lot cause family took him places where they vacationed or lived. Like Puerto Rico n' stuff. He also traveled on his own. Went to visit friends who moved to Nevada, and saw many, many places. Went to concerts a lot, College in Maryland. Worked at a TV station for awhile. And actually managed to get married at some point, but it only lasted a year & he was dumped. (Cheated on many times first tho )  Also, his Dad left his mother in the wheelchair. Even tho he stayed with her for 15 years first. Tough life. Only child, etc..Now he's trying to deal with ADHD. I feel so bad for him. He does well with a lot of things himself. He's managed to keep a job he never wanted, but had to take to get benefits for the kids his one g/f brought into their lives. He has none of his own. He's still there, but would much rather be working in the field he studied for. (Film)  I believe he was great at it. All those TV screens in front of him seemed to keep him happy. But he had to leave it because of his situation and he couldn't leave his Mom. I wish he could go back to it, but he's 59. Who would hire him now ? Plus, things are run all differently now & he'd have to re-learn everything.

I'm trying to react & talk to him in the right ways....All while discovering these "cheating: episodes.It ain't easy. But I sure want to try my best. Your letter has enlightened me a bit, so I thank you. I hope you can take it as long as you need to. I'm a very willing partner to stick it out with him. I just can't handle this "cheating !! I asked him to cut her off instantly and all he said was that he was ignoring her if she sent him anything. No calls, etc. Of course, I don't know how much of that is the truth though. So my brain is torturing me. He doesn't give me answers I ask for. He said he can't. Maybe because he figures it's only going to mke me feel worse because I think he knows I didn't get very far in my discoveries of what they were doing or saying. He empties his phone & computer pretty regularly.  And I didn't get a hold of his phone right away. It was just a fluke one night when he fell asleep before locking it. And I saw it laying in our bed, like where it usually is each night.Yeah, because he was likely saying all of his lovey-dovey stuff while he was falling asleep. I know he called her in the mornings too cause I overheard him saying "Good Morning" to her rather happily one day. Of course he lied to try covering himself up. Tried to convince me it was on the TV. Rewound the TV but it never came up and I said so. But then he just dropped it. I also caught him smiling very strongly while on his computer in the morning which is something he's never done before. Usually in the a.m.'s he's in a lot of pan & is stretching something, not looking too happy at all. Why all the lies ? Why can't he be honest with me and stop hiding things from me ? How or will I ever be able to get him to share more of his life with me ? Also things like bank accounts n' stuff that wives generally see all the time. I don't even know how much he keeps in the basnk, tho I offer my info to him all the time. WE share the expenses, so why not the info to go with it. Mine are all exposed if he wants to see it. I don't lock anything. Why does he need to lock stuff all the time now. I don't think he did it earlier in our relationship.  It must be the "cheating" and "flirting" thing going on.  I don't do that.  But he has many female friends who I know he calls sweetheart n' the like, so it isn't at all unusual for me to overhear that being used. Or hear him saying I love you to them either.  Some of them text him constantly. But I have to ignore it all because THEY are JUST old friends. Ha. I wonder.  OMG, I am hurting so badly !!  Thanks for listening. I know I can rant.

I'm now exactly in the position you described in your post from back in 2010. What ever came of this? What did you do? I'm struggling to determine what actions to take to save my marriage. I'm taking Adderall but she says things are worse now!

I'm also married but a single parent, my spouse has ADD but can't seem to get around to trying meds. I have settled on the reality that I'll be doing all the work and raising the kids with very little support. Your post mirrors my thoughts and sentiments almost word for word. I wonder how well you are holding on? Some days I don't see how to face another day of this, but of course, I have to, I just do it. Sad to have this in common with everyone here but this site is a safe haven and I am glad I've found it. 

It is HUGE that you can see what's happening. When you can acknowledge it to your hubby and be contrite in trying to change with the help of an ADHD coach along with meds you still have a shot.

Melissa Orlov's book it written to help give hope to people in this type of relationship. On the side, she started this site so people struggling on each side of this issue can exchange ideas. The good news is that ADHD is not found in Heaven. So, if an eternal relationship interests you, the  wrenches of ADHD thrown into your life can be considered mere stumbling blocks of a brighter life as an eternal family.

Living happily with an ADHD spouse is an art. Like living with anyone who has a disability, it takes time, patience, understanding, a sense of humor and a degree in detective work to follow up on every word they tell you.  Apparently, it can be done. The question remains with you. Do you want to spend the rest of your life dealing with these kinds of patterns. Know too, that any children you may have together will likely have, either a full blown case, or milder symptoms.

As long as both of you understand this you have a chance of learning coping skills to help you.

I’d  like to leave you with this story:

One evening an old Cherokee Indian told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all.

"One is evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego."

The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, faith and forgiveness."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"

The wise grandfather answered, "The one you feed,"

UPDATE: 12/13/17 There might be hope but it is unlikely it’s in staying married to an ADHDer. My life is over with him. He thinks he can do better with someone else. He, unemployed, wants a divorce now. Life’s a bit#$

Loved your post. Thank you. <3

your post sounds like my life. I didn't even know what was going on with my wife til I found this page. So here's my question! I have only been married for two years, but I have 3 children from another marriage, and my wife has two from her previous.  Me and my kids have been utterly perplexed by the way my new wife and her children act. I've often wanted to leave, as it has been so unfair for me! Doing everything, including getting a second job, because in the two years we've been married, she hasn't been able to bring in any money.  So now on top of all the responsibility of being on me, I am also working two full-time jobs. Which has been so unfair to me and my children. I think I'm about ready to leave. Because there has been no benefit to me in this relationship. Your thoughts? 

Thank you for your comment. It took me many years into our marriage before I gained the insights that helped me understand better and focus on improving my response to his behaviors. He hasn't been diagnosed but I have wondered in the past and did some research. What I found sounded so familiar that I just focused my further research on how to make the most of a difficult situation, which ultimately led me to this site. I am grateful to finally have contact with others who deal with or have dealt with ADHD behaviors in their spouse. It is helpful to know I am not crazy and others have found options that may work to support and /or contribute to sustaining a marriage...thanks again!

Im 21 years in and I will tell you - I saw the signs too in the beginning like you. I paid all his bills in the beginning and also put the down payment on our home. All I can say is really think about it!!! because if you ever have kids it will be you and the kids - he will be off doing his own thing that interests him and it won't be you or the family!!! I would like to give you some hope but I really think there is no hope when you are married to a person that only thinks of them self and their interests. My husband is attached to his computer!! It even goes into the bathroom with him!!!. I don't know when he sleeps because he is always on some electronic device. I would get out while you can!!!!! Im in the process of getting a divorce and like you said - I was the one with all the money and now I will probably be out to dry!!! I have an old car and he has a new 60,000 one. Things don't change. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink!!!!

I know this post is almost 5 years old. I sincerely hope your situation has improved and you have gotten away from this abusive man. ADHD cannot be used as an excuse to beat your spouse and be physically and emotionally abusive.

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I don't know if Im the one you need to hear from because my ADHD spouse filed for divorce. But I do understand all you are saying. I get that it is hard to focus on a relationship knowing that you do love this person but you know it is all about the little things. Thinking of her before yourself and your needs. What about a card and flowers every so often to let her know you care and love her. Like her I felt very alone. After the hyper -focus stage that mostly stopped. It was far and few between. Think of it as always a new relationship. Go out and do things she enjoys and I know she will be more apt to do things you enjoy. Perhaps you can get involved in something you both have a passion for. I remember we got a dog - so we both went to all the training sessions which provided great connection. We met other people there as a couple and had something in common. Life gets busy but the most important things in life are the time spent with family and friends. 

I too thought my husband was connecting with someone else because he was hyper-focused on scuba diving. There happened to be a divorced female that co-owned the shop he went to. He was gone a lot on weekends and even some nights. They where often talking and texting back and forth and there I was waving my hand, jumping up and down to get his attention and nothing worked. I became angry and jealous of this situation and threatened to leave the marriage. of course hindsight is 20/20. ( he filed because  he was done with me). He has put himself first and what he wants. Thats OK if that is what makes him happy. I only really want him to be happy. 

My personal opinion is make her your top priority if you want to save your marriage. It is not your kids, job, passions, things , that should be first - it should be the person you married and all else will fall into place. She feels what she feels and rightfully so. It is very lonely being in this kind of relationship. Im praying for you and that you have time to save your marriage. 

Hello All,

Reading your comments gives me comfort but also sadness.  I am in the process of getting a divorce after 20 years of marriage, 26 together from my husband who has ADHD.  He was the one who actually filed, but I am gradually accepting that this is for the best.  All you speak of,: the ignoring, the lack of focus, the lack of follow through, the zero sense of time has all rung true for me.  He never treated it and when I tried to bring it up, he became incredibly defensive and hostile.  I know that I should be more sympathetic since this is a medical condition, but if your spouse does nothing to change it, you are pretty stuck or left in a very frustrating life.  I cannot tell you how many keys, debit cards, money, important papers that my soon to be x spouse has lost over the years.  How many of the children's doctor/dental appointments that he rescheduled because he just couldn't get there on time..  As many of us have said, the only thing I could rely on was his total unreliability.  Despite my efforts to help "set him up for success", he still was a mess organizationally.  I haven't seen it mentioned here, but has anyone's ADHD spouse left their car door open over night, left the front door open?  That was one of my husband's specialties.  He would wander off and forget to lock the door when he came back home, always leaving his family as risk since many of these walks would happen at night when the rest of us were asleep.  All that said, it is hard to believe that I lasted this long.  I have learned that you cannot fight this condition, and you can't change people who don't want to change or seek self-improvement.  I have no regrets because I have two beautiful kids and without my husband I would not have them.  Thanks for all of your comments.  It definitely validates what I have been feeling all of these years; makes me feel less crazy.

Wow. You perfectly described the non ADD spouse point of view.  I feel like I deserve more from a relationship.  I'm glad that you are able to reconcile it, but I am slowly coming to the conclusion that  I would rather be alone.

   I am sorry that you feel this way wjboyz...and I don't feel like you should be patronized because of this. I really hope that you continue to go to therapy, as they can offer useful techniques to help maintain the relationship. As for you, I would try finding something that you like to doing (to a point, because I know that your back is hurting), to try and distance yourself from him, until you can get a better handle on your coping techniques. I am religious, and do pray because I need guidance. 

Best to you you.

Sincerely,

Stella

Dear Ajt, 

   I just want to start off by saying that I'm really sorry that your wife blames you for your relationship, but I can honestly say, that you seem like a really great person, who just wants to make things right by your wife. I do believe that taking her out for a "her day," where the attention is focused on you and her seems to be a good start. 

  I would just make little things through each week that make her feel special, like writing her a little note before she goes to work, kissing her goodbye before she leaves, or when she comes home, or just generally asking about her day...

I hope this somewhat helps...

Take care, 

Stel

Hey jrptal0324, 

  You are not a failure. You are a really sweet person who has a lot to offer somebody. You just have people around you that don't understand ADHD, and are having a hard time coming to terms with it. This is not directly aimed at you. This is a war raging within them.

Love,

Stella

Hi Jennalemon, 

  He may be having an affair. You might want to keep tabs on him to figure out exactly why he is so "fine" without the intimacy and love. As a wife, you should deserve that. If he wants sex, you should be able to receive your intimacy and love. You can do this. 

All the best,

~Stel

This is the only way I can come up with to stop the chore wars and the resentment after the  change once I committed fully to the relationship.  Just assume he doesn't care, because he doesn't.  Not out of anything malicious, he just can't care about anyone else all the time.  I just get to be grateful when my number comes up at his convenience.  Otherwise, I just live alone in a slightly bigger mess.

So, I can 100% understand why reading the other responses is disheartening. I myself have ADD (which I guess got changed over to ADHD?), and can tell you there is hope. I'm saying this as someone who managed my ADD well enough to get not just a bachelor's but a Master's as well, and am fairly good at communicating with people, provided I have the tools necessary to do so.

One thing I haven't seen anyone else mention and I have been telling my partner lately is this: Just because I have a show on, or a stream on, or am having more than one conversation does not mean they are not the primary focus. Yes, I understand it can feel like this at times, but if we do not have that extra stimuli for our subconscious to hold onto, we literally cannot focus on anything, or we become anxious which can lead to several unpleasant things like headaches, racing thoughts, etc. It may seem like we're ignoring you, or that you're not important, but as someone with ADD, that is 100% not true. You are, we just can't focus on just one thing no matter how bad we may wish we could.

That one piece of advice-allow us to have other stimuli while you're talking to us, is vitally important. I have had a room mate for going on 2 years now who I have never once fought with, never once had issues with, because they understand if they want to talk with me, I cannot give them 100 percent of my focus. I need to have something else going on (TV on low volume with subtitles is amazing for this for me), in order to have a logical and focused conversation. Another thing you can try, is if you want to find out how your ADD partner is feeling, and if my trick of having something for my subconscious to focus on while doing something helps, ask them to write a letter, while listening to their favorite playlist. This technique is why I have a Master's degree, so it is absolutely effective for me, but not everyone's brain works the same. THis is just something I do to cope and help me have a conversation in person or over text to where I'm not going insane waiting for responses.

You are not alone! I understand what you are feeling. Please know that there are others out there and we can all battle this together. Please contact your doctor if you're having suicidal thoughts. There is always a way through it!

I hope you have relief, by now.  The truth is, they don't see it as a problem for them; they see it as your problem for making a big deal about it, so their hyper focus moves onto other things.  They know they cannot meet your needs, so they minimize those needs with gaslighting, denial, lying, etc.  It's a tragedy for everyone involved, though we are the only ones who are responsible for our own life.  No one is responsible for another adult unless they choose it.  That is why divorce with them is 80%.

Hi. I know this thread is old now. I'm just curious if you stayed with him or how it ended up? 

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A hundred percent say I'm single all the time 

he's a child and I'm tired of being the only one who is in this

i I would love to get to the place of peace like you because I miss a partner 

Their world we just live in it

ice said it a thousand times

im just learning so much thanks for you tips because mines also Jekyll and Hyde and impossible to reason with about this

I know I'm responding to a 3 year old comment, but it sounded strikilingly similiar to my current situation.  I often feel that what I have to say means nothing, sometimes, I overtalk my partner just to be heard.  Recently I started to say - "Please focus, I'm trying to tell you something". 

I have gotten to the point where I do not talk about my day.  I try, but somehow my partner is able to divert the entire conversation onto her.  I can't stand it. I might get a couple sentences out, and that will be all - the conversation is focused on her. 

It's interesting, there are alot of things my partner would like to do, and there is very little attention to what I would like to do - what we could do together.  But I find myself going out of my way to gather the funds to do what she wants and sacrifice my own wants and needs.  

Are there any suggestions out there about how to survive with an ADHD spouse without sacrificing yourself or doing all of the comprimising?  She will literally TAKE time from us to go and relax.  She was sick and went to stay at her sisters because it was more relaxing there.  When do I get that?  Is there a safe place for us non ADHD spouses/partners to land with both feet on the ground without developing some sort of anxiety or stress disorder? 

Dear Feeling Ignored - I am so sorry.  I and many others know exactly how you feel.  I for one know for sure I would never have gotten married if I'd known this.  It's OK to say that out loud.  So I tell myself. 

My husband sounds like yours.  He accepts his ADD and he tells me over and over and over he still doesn't have the tools and the treatment plan.  I keep asking when are you going to get one.  He says - I'm going to do that now.  And now never comes.

I just want to feel happiness again.  What I wouldn't give just to feel happy.

He listens to you but he doesn't really hear you. That is the problem. Your partner can say " I'm listening to you", but are they HEARING you? 

There's no way you can tell for sure.