As background - this person is trying hard to make his relationship better. And, like many with ADHD, he is a relatively upbeat person. He knows he has talent in some areas of his life - and this makes his struggles in his relationship even more perplexing to him. Like many with ADHD, he struggles to fit the pieces together as he surveys the contradictions in his life, asking "I am so skilled (in my job) and motivated to Solve Problems and Make Dreams Come True for others - but can hardly even identify what my dreams are let alone get near to fulfilling them for myself?"
He wrote this poem to try to get some of his feelings out - to try to be able to observe them better so he could change that little voice in his head. With his permission, I share it here.
- Renewed Anxiety -
So profound the anticipation, so great the effort, so selfless the investment, so long
the wait, so tempered the expectations, so fervent the hope.
So unforeseen the demise, so swift the derailment, so burning the sting, so
instantaneous the deflation, so catastrophic the state.
So scant the recognition, so far from understanding, so forgiveness-lacking, so
paralyzed in the past, so formidable the armor, so swiftly justified.
So heavy the heart, so waning the optimism, so arduous the resolve, so looming the
resentment, so re-reopened the wounds, so hampered the recovery.
So perplexing the dynamic.
So very debilitating.
So familiar the outcome.
So reluctant to try yet once more.
- MelissaOrlov's blog
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Comments
Is this poem about me?
The first time I read this poem I cried. The words represent the emotions I have felt over and over in my marriage. The constant fear of letting my partner down and trying so, so hard to do everything right, yet still messing up somehow and worse yet, in a way that I didn’t even see coming because I was focusing so hard on NOT messing up again.
I am the ADHD spouse and my husband is the organized, never-forgets-a-thing spouse. I was able to keep it together until we had kids, and then the “real” me was exposed. I just wish there were more resources for the wife/mom who has ADHD, as almost everything I have found focuses on the husband with ADHD. Thank you for this poem, as painful as it is to read, it is comforting to know that I am not alone.
Jen
Poem
Thanks. While a similar cycle continues, my context has changed and, as such, like the "ground hog day" movie, there were more moments of being curious and allowing for something new anf fresh---THE context was when Harville Hendrix said the other (my wife) has a quality I NEED to be whole and vice versa. And, it wasn't that the cycles of your poem have stopped--but seeing the 'selfish' aspect of this commitment made sense & Hendrix also saying that "wholeness" often is full of triggers fears and misunderstandings. So the often working at being a better listener and communicator and repeatedly "not getting it" became less about changing myself but giving myself "authority to be whole"--taking a night or two camping--recognizing. a joy in discovering that the wonder of nature & current (quantum) science is nonlocal and non-linear--MY home ground vs. being out of sync overworking to get a hopeless sense of validation. That love remains and/but this love is not of the temporal. As such, I've observed her devoping closer female friends. We'd continue going together to retreats AND I would go alone. I continue managing my ADHD with meds--have found Minfulness and DBT classes (not allowing couples) thru my insurance. So while the many to less times, over 27.years, when intimacy occurs and then is sabotaged it remains painful BUT there is lmore acceptance and my neediness. I'm not ashamed to take care of my needs -our friendship deepens-(she like no other was there for me amidst parental loss, deep support for me in my work (a claryfying power). I'm grateful for my career, and our teamwork, and we continue having a close community of mature friends which includes long term couples. I am grateful for having so much less drama and our lives are more integrated with one another in an inexplicable realness. AND right now, we are having a really rough 1-2 weeks. Picking up the past holds less charge though the cycle continues as does your poem---but there is an awareness that the projection interferes with a focus of attention on my authority to accept (as in the serenity prayer) because it allows me freedom to be my own authority and more inter-dependent--which is clearer and I am getting more of what I need with less preference for wanting what I don't have or creating divisiveness to get back on the hamster wheel of a lust for the rapid cycling hamster wheel.
taking time for meditation and reflection; still, I felt a loss to understand effectively and also not enough understood.
MarriageBselfish4Wholeness