People regularly ask me "will I have side effects from taking my ADHD meds?" My response? "I hope so!" No, I'm not hoping they will experience loss of appetite or irritability (two possible side effects from stimulants) but I AM hoping they will experience some of the positive side effects from taking medications that work for them. Here are just a few examples of these 'side effects' as relayed to me by adults with ADHD.
"I call it my 'get-it-done' medication. Meds keep me focused at work and when I need to follow through."
"Before my partner started taking his meds a week ago he described his attention as being like a water balloon. He would throw it in a direction and it would splat all over the place. Now, with the meds, he describes his attention as being like a fire hose. He aims, and fires on target! We're really excited about what's happening!"
"Having ADHD is like having 50 TV sets going in my head at once. Ritalin works by turning off forty-nine of them."
"The medications I take for ADHD calm my mind and give me a bit more time to consider before I act."
"I take Wellbutrin for my ADHD and it stops the spurts of anger that used to threaten my marriage."
"Medications help tremendously - before them I was swimming in an ocean of anxiety. Now it's only isolated incidents that trigger me."
Medication doesn't work for everyone - about 80% of adults can find a medication that helps them significantly manage ADHD symptoms without meaningful side effects - that leaves 20% who can't. And different medications work differently for different people - many must experiment with both the type of medication and the dosage before they find something that is right for them.
Finally, I must reiterate that good treatment is NOT just about meds. Please download my free treatment e-book from my home page for much more information about how to optimize treatment for adult ADHD. But isn't it great to hear what it's like when ADHD meds work? Not all 'side effects' are bad!
*NO, I have no affiliation with any pharmaceutical company and have never been paid by a pharmaceutical company.
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No meds = no wife?
Thank you, Melissa. This post feels quite timely right now.
I've been in an adhd-impacted relationship and marriage for seven years now. We have two young children. We are both 33 and my husband was diagnosed with ADHD at age 21. We have been seeing a psychiatrist for five years both together and separately, have taken your marriage phone seminar, I've read both your books, we've done a work book together and have been working at our relationship a lot, typically led by my desire and hope that we can both be better.
I think we have now hit a crossroads.
I have, through a watershed moment a couple of weeks witnessed by close friends, come to the realisation that my husband has a problem with anger that I can largely separate from myself. (i.e. when he blames his anger and frustration on me, I now see clearly that it actually has little to do with me and is unprovoked initially, then when I respond to his anger, it gives him something more to be angry at me about, and so starts this vicious cycle of fighting and blame).
I have noticed that when he is taking his meds, he is more calm and less easily provoked to anger and frustration. He is actually NICE to me. Unfortunately, he hasn't taken his medications for almost two years now, as he feels deep shame and denial about his adhd diagnosis (my interpretation, but I believe this is largely true and stems from a family that has deep mental health issues and a father with undiagnosed ADHD that has led to agoraphobia/bi polar disorder/inability to keep a job for the last 20 years and that continues to have mental health repercussions for this family. My husband's coping mechanism is to stuff it down, never address it and avoid his family like the plague). Hence, avoiding ADHD meds means he doesn't have a problem/isn't like this father.
Forcing someone to take meds, I know, isn't the way to go, but I don't know how else to address this. Do I give an ultimatum that no meds/anger management coping strategies = no wife? I am also trying now to live to my values and not engage in rage, fighting and treat him with compassion, care and respect. I do love him deeply and want better for us.
You've wrote about how denial, not ADHD, causes divorce. I feel like the denial is so deep in my relationship that I can't see us making it through.
Meds as a way to save a relationship
You both have worked hard to come to an understanding of ADHD and its impact on your relationship. But you are right, it sounds as if denial is now getting in the way of your success, which is a huge shame.
My husband, too, had anger issues that he has managed extremely effectively with meds. The anger wasn't at me - it was simply quick responses to overstimulation. If he had not found a medication that had worked to eliminate this issue, I am not sure we sould have made it.
The way to bring this topic up is to have a calm conversation about it in which you talk about how you feel about the situation. You don't have to provide a solution for him (i.e. take meds) - instead I would focus on the issue at hand. So, for example, you might say:
"I am so pleased that we have done all of the work that we have done to shore up our relationship. I think you have made progress in these areas (give examples) and I think I have made progress in these areas (give examples.) But there is one area that is still hurtful to me, and that is being the recipient of your anger at the world. I feel sad because I know that you don't intend to hurt me, but these releases of your frustration still hurt, nonetheless. I love feeling loved and really love all of you when you are kind to me...then there is a surprise blow up...and suddenly the world feels unstable to me, and scary again. This lack of predictability is wearing me out, and keeps me from putting myself forward in the most joyous ways possible - ways that would benefit us all, including you. In the last 3-4 years, the times you have been kindest towards me have been (list them). I note that some large part of those coincide with when you were taking medications for your ADHD. I've read elsewhere that emotional lability is a characteristic of ADHD, so this makes sense to me.
You are in charge of you, and you are certainly in charge of how you choose to manage your body and yoru ADHD. But I also am in charge of me and my responses. I feel I have a responsivility to clarify for you just how debilitating it is for me emotionally to wait for the kind you to be the prevalent person I'm with. I love you deeply and want to be with you, but I must also respect myself. It is not healthy for me to continue to be in a situation that feels so unstable and stressful to me. I am asking that you take the issue of your anger seriously, and that you find a way - whatever way works for you - that you can sustain, over the long run an ability to show the kind, generous person I know you to be. I admit that I encourage you to try ADHD meds, as I suspect that they will work for you but, again, it is your choice how to address this issue.
Note that when you have the conversation you will most likely get pushback about your own role in making him angry, probably with specific examples. DON'T pus back on this. Instead, accept his point of view, figure out what the common theme is in the examples he is providing, and take them seriously. Create a plan, on the spot, with him, to address his concerns. This will neutralize the argument, and again put teh ball back into his court. You will be modeling the kind of response that you wish to see from him.
Hope this helps.
Thank you
Thank you, Melissa, for the advice and well-thought out words. I'll try this at our next counselling session.