Whether or not my SO ( might ) have BPD, an explanation I found, fits our pattern very well. I also found my contribution which seems to make perfect sense.
Key words:
Fear of engulmemt vs engulmemt.
"Shuttlers—You have fears about intimacy. You start out just like a “Clinger,” but once the two of you get close, your past intimacy traumas are activated. You not only fear abandonment, but also that you will be engulfed by the emotional needs of your partner.
This fear of engulfment is usually the result of having been recruited in childhood to help your mother manage her emotional needs. Usually this occurs when the husband (your father) abdicates his role and is happy to turn over this emotional chore to one or all of the children.
Or you may have been the only child of a lonely single mother who over depended on you. In this case you received the covert message:
Don’t grow up and leave me. I need you!
In essence, “Shuttlers” are caught in a classic “Approach-Avoidance Conflict.” The more distant they are, the freer they feel to move forward and act on their attraction.
But…as the relationship becomes intimate and they are on the verge of some important commitment, such as moving in together, their abandonment and/or engulfment fears get triggered. They pick a fight and find some reason to backtrack.
Eventually, they will reach a comfortable distance, their fear diminishes, and they want to move forward with the relationship again. This can literally go on forever, unless one of the pair enters psychotherapy or gets fed up and leaves for good.
Their relationship cycle may look look like this:
- Attraction 1—They meet someone appealing who likes them as well.
- Intimacy—The relationship moves forward and they begin to get anxious.
- Backtracking—They hesitate, stop moving forward, and find some excuse for moving away and undoing the growing intimacy.
- Attraction 2—Now, from this emotionally safe distance, their lover starts to seem attractive again. They decide that they want the relationship after all.
- Move towards Intimacy—They reconnect with the other person and convince them to try again.
- Shuttling Continues—Unless one or both enter therapy or someone walks away forever, this pattern of Approach—Avoidance—Approach will continue and sabotage the relationship’s ability to move forward in a stable way.
Punchline: People with the personality pattern that we call “Borderline Personality Disorder” do not enact the typical relationship cycle of Idealization—Devalue—Discard that is seen in many Narcissistic relationships. They have their own relationship issues which are different than those of Narcissists. Their relationship cycles reflect their fears of abandonment and/or engulfment."
So fear of engulmemt is a big deal. This describes perfectly what I've experienced.
Enter me:
"This might arise from a situation such as relocating to move in with your partner. When you move, you leave your friends and family behind and don’t know anyone other than your partner where you now live. You used to do your hobbies and interests with your friends, so all of a sudden, you stop doing these, too. It feels like you and your partner do everything together, and you’re not sure what you enjoy doing anymore."
Exactly true. I'm more of a "clinger" anyway, but I have no problem going out a doing things alone or without my SO.
This dynamic, caused immediate issue for my SO right from the beginning. She immediately started to move away and distance without the "idealized phase". Or an immediate shifting back and forth because of this fear of engulfment. ( I was accused of being too " intense " )
I never really felt any passion, or honeymoon, or anything remotely similar to love bombing or infatuation. It went straight into "shuttling".....and the diminishing of sex right from the start.
Now, she's feeling engulfment again...despite me trying to give her more space. But anything perceived as "getting too close" or "closer"...while she's backing away or undoing....like going to therapy....is actually making it worse I believe. Causing her to question being together entirely. Causing Chaos and intense emotions...when, what I'm doing, is trying to move in the opposite direction as he, trying to move in or approaching to get closer ....and her moving out and away....and backtracking.
What's useful for me here ( if there's any hope at all ) is to recognize where in this cycle she's in....so I can avoid certain things.
Not just space...but engulfment most of all. It appears, that may be the key to understanding what going on. As in....me moving "away" in respect to doing things like skiing again. She liked it when I actually left town for the day and was completely removed from the house. Without realizing it, moving from out to a new town, with no friends or activity partners...was a situational / logistical issue that triggered her from the beginning.
Possibly this is what she feels she needs? To break- up...so I'll move away?
This seems to fit like a glove. Possibly something I can do, to alleviate this issue?
I've already experienced the belittling and "devaluing stage" a number of times already. Along with contempt, anger, and disinterest in doing things together. It appears, the more distance the better at the moment. And not doing anything to get closer, or expect intimacy or affection. Expecting the opposite will at least not make me feel hurt and disappointed. ( those pesky feeling again )
Maybe
