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by: honestly -
This sounds awful for you. I have just a couple of thoughts, as someone closer to your wife's situation than yours, though I don't have ADHD. Firstly 'Negativity Bias' is a common human trait; it's psychologically 'normal' to be more affected by negative experiences than positive ones. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negativity_bias - so it's not unusual that your wife can't immediately get past some very negative experiences in your shared past. The second thought is that she will have written what she...>>> on Forum topic - Resentment and Divorce - Need help!
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by: janapal -
I wish there was more information and resources about this. I'm in such relationship, and I'm struggling very hard with my own ADHD, which I manage ok-ish (not without consequences, bad ones: burn out, trauma) and partner's pretty much unmanaged ADHD (he takes medication but that's it). I love him but it's a burden I'm not handling very well.>>> on Blog post - 14 Tips for When Both Partners Have ADHD
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by: J -
....is one way to learn, but if I had only known about my having ADHD earlier, I believe that things might have been different. I'm one of those who was actually overjoyed at first in finally getting an answer to all the questions I had about my life. I actually liked going to therapy and learning everything I could. So, for me, I'm guessing, I would have done the same thing no matter when it happened? But I was very willing to do just about anything to not get divorced again ( a 2nd time ) and I very...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD Spouse, poor verbal impulse control and lashing out
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by: honestly -
That's really interesting! Without meaning to be too reductive, it does sound like it's the past experience of the nuclear option that enabled both you and your SO to be reflective and responsive in your relationship with each other. Learning by hard experience, I suppose.>>> on Forum topic - ADHD Spouse, poor verbal impulse control and lashing out
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by: J -
Hi Honesty, This sounds oh so familiar. So much of what you said here was exactly what happened to me. I don't really have an exact answer, on how to get someone with ADHD to hear you and actually understand how important it is that this stuff matters but, nothing really changed with me until I went to marriage counseling which still ultimately lead to divorce. During counseling, the therapist even told me he thought I had ADHD, and even then, I couldn't hear him. It wasn't until I started reading up on...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD Spouse, poor verbal impulse control and lashing out
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by: honestly -
... and many of my own woes. You give out calm, affectionate and considerate vibes, and you get anger back. It's horrible. It's unfair. It's so common here. You have my sympathies. X>>> on Forum topic - Anger due to forgetfulness
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by: honestly -
because the only thing that has made my OH even attempt to change his behaviour, rather than straight up blaming me for all that's wrong in his life and any problems we have as a couple (and we have only moved a few short steps in a positive direction anyway) was me telling him I wanted a divorce. He, it turned out, had been happy. He had thought I was. All his anger had been no big deal and he hadn't thought anything I had been saying about it was 'important'. So in truth I don't know what consequences I...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD Spouse, poor verbal impulse control and lashing out
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by: J -
Hi Quiet Crescent. My ADHD SO has done something similar and it definitely has to do with stress. Her stress, which primarily comes from work. Her response to this was to start complaining and criticizing me. This could go on for several days. What I did was wait and not say anything at first. I waited until the complaining and criticizing stopped and she was not in that mode. She criticized me once more about being needy by simply asking something from her. She was also complaining about the cats being...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD Spouse, poor verbal impulse control and lashing out
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by: quiet crescent -
Its weird because i sometimes don't buy it either, i don't understand how it isn't clear. It seems like it should be really easy to just treat someone you love with respect instead of treating them like an enemy. But then other times I wonder if it all goes back to impulse control and him just not realizing what he's doing What sort of consequences do you suggest?>>> on Forum topic - ADHD Spouse, poor verbal impulse control and lashing out
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by: honestly -
I don't buy it. He could if he wanted to. The only thing that works with my ADHD spouse is him realising the consequences of not bothering are going to be less desirable making some kind of effort. Unfortunately it took me 20 years to work this out, by which time I am so utterly exhausted and disappointed that all I want from him is a separation. So IDK but maybe you can get him to see where this is going and that he won't like it when he gets there...?>>> on Forum topic - ADHD Spouse, poor verbal impulse control and lashing out
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by: MATTHD -
If what you're doing isn't working (stuffing your feelings), then try something new like address your thoughts with him in writing? Best to do it in a way that gives him the best chance to hear it (see: "non-violent communication") and not get defensive.>>> on Forum topic - Hurt, Angry, and knowing it's the ADHD
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by: quiet crescent -
A good suggestion. I've called out his tone many times, but he tells me he can't work on "tone and vibes" as actionable feedback. I feel really stuck.>>> on Forum topic - ADHD Spouse, poor verbal impulse control and lashing out
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by: quiet crescent -
Thanks for this. I think it's part of it, but this sort of thing has been going on for a while. Parenthood certainly hasn't helped. He does get overwhelmed easily. I'm really struggling to balance tip toeing around overwhelming him, but he says he also wants connection and to talk about deep, meaningful things. It feels a little like being quiet all the time but ready to have a deep, philosophical conversation about something at a moment's notice. When we weren't parents that was more manageable, but...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD Spouse, poor verbal impulse control and lashing out
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by: J -
This one happened just the other day. We were getting ready to go somewhere, and in a frustrated moment my SO said, "You're one of the most impatient people I've ever met " I had to really bite my tongue on that one because impatience is her middle name. I didn't ask, I didn't say anything...but I actually think what she see's more often is impulsiveness....like me, habitually starting to take my seat belt off while the car is still moving and barely in the driveway when she drives. Or starting to drive...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD Husband doesn't like my ADHD Sister
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by: J -
with your intimate partner when both people have ADHD. I'm learning as I go here and it's definitely a learning experience C. And that protected space thing is more difficult when the entire house is one person's protected space! It's hard not to intrude when you live inside that same space. There's a lot I can say here about what I've learned in relation to some of the experiences others have had ( in their comments) but a few things I know so far. First, I really like my SO. I like her as a person, I...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD Husband doesn't like my ADHD Sister
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by: c ur self -
I think the setting makes all the difference...Two adhd minds (especially friends) in a relaxed setting where there is no expectations, and no invasion of each of their protected calm spaces, they will really enjoy the interaction many times...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD Husband doesn't like my ADHD Sister
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by: c ur self -
Like ADHD 32 say's it reminds them of their own behaviors which they love to be in denial of...Plus, it takes the spot light of their self absorbed mind....It's even worse for two narcissist....It's not your job to mange it....Step out of the middle, go enjoy yourself...I promise the more you focus on your own life, the more they will be forced to mange their own....Don't be the ear for negativity!.....Walk away!...If he tries to make you the bad guy for walking away, that's great, that mean's he's growing...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD Husband doesn't like my ADHD Sister
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by: c ur self -
Having to adapt to the separateness that divorce sponsor's with children, brings so much more into play than just the adult pain... (especially where highly distracted minds are concerned) We are forced into very uncomfortable situations...(forced communication or lack of it, trusting of a person we have struggled to trust in the past due to lived out behaviors, etc.)....All things we would probably never choose normally...I'm praying for all of you, I know it can overwhelming at times...Bless you friend...>>> on Forum topic - The relaxed happy ex
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by: sickandtired -
I did that twice, and regretted it both times. After each time, he would quickly go back to the moody, paranoid, angry person who constantly complained and put me down. I protected (enabled) my guy just like you have done. I made the mistake of taking on his problems, but no matter what I did to try to make him happy... Concerts, trips, etc would inevitably be full of unnecessary stress and arguing from him, while at the same time he would never make a decision. He would change his mind and blame me if I...>>> on Forum topic - I’m ashamed to say..
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by: sickandtired -
My ex literally dangled my precious photo albums and irreplaceable keepsakes in my face, like holding them for ransom, saying he thought I might offer him money "to survive on" if he returned them. I have no photos of my grandparents, and the only photos I have from my past are the ones I framed or sent to friends by email. It seems like he has no sense of pride in supporting himself, but instead acts like a helpless child whose life totally depends on my "evil whims" he says. He always played the victim,...>>> on Forum topic - I’m ashamed to say..
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