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by: Swedish coast -
Thank you Catterfly. I just want to assure you a bit: life isn't that bad. Which means what you may be up against isn't so bleak! I can enjoy myself fully now from time to time, and I'm surrounded by loving family and friends. I come to the forum to work at grief and turn it, looking at it from all angels. It's helpful. But it's not the whole picture of my life in the present moment. I wouldn't want to increase anybody else's pain or anticipation of pain... Thank you for your kind words.>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
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by: Swedish coast -
I'm relieved and impressed that you've already done these things for yourself and your children. That is wonderful. Thank you for sharing. So glad you're on your way to a safe place.>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
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by: Catterfly -
Hi Swedish, A lot of this applies for me, too. I know for example that having patience for a decision that may never come was a source of frustration for me, so it's possible that I grasped onto hints of his agreement, vs truly making sure that he has completed his think-through process, or helping him to do so. Another area I think about a lot is validation. Did I get to a point where I was quick to dismiss his feelings? At the very least I can say that I didn't dig too deeply to find them out. It...>>> on Forum topic - I was critical and impatient
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by: Swedish coast -
Thank you Off the roller. We'd like to be different than these relationships allow, I think. It's obvious on the forum - there is so much kindness and compassion. But then we all freeze in disfigured shapes in relation to our spouses. It's hard not being able to feel pride about our family life that we've invested everything into. Dear Off the roller, I think about you.>>> on Forum topic - I was critical and impatient
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by: Off the roller ... -
Swedish, I really appreciate you sharing this. This is me and you and I are the same. I'm in the midst of this right now and finding it so so so so difficult. It wasn't always like this, I don't want to BE like this but we are in such toxic dynamics and I find that I'm just paralysied in communication. I can't even ask him to throw away his breakfast trash because I'm not sure on the reaction I'll get. It's really tough. You are so seen and validated.>>> on Forum topic - I was critical and impatient
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by: saudade -
Dear Swedish Coast, thank you for your comment! I agree with you, I did protect myself, I went to contact, I have wonderfull friends (I never thought I had such wonderfull friends, who were so supportive), I have my apt, my job, I did all the steps for him to take the consequences. And he says he does. I am not living with him, I am independent in all ways. Still, I see there a will, I see there shame and guilt (as I saw today) and I needed that to understand that it has consequences. I am a person who can...>>> on Forum topic - Rage meltdown ending on physical abuse adhd partner
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by: Swedish coast -
Im sorry to hear this has happened to you. My history is having for many years excused bouts of emotional and verbal aggression in my ADD now ex-husband and consoled him after. Why I did it? Because the rest of the time he was incredibly loving. Because I loved him, and because I wanted to save our relationship, and because he was unable to make the repairs. As he was unable to choose anything better than rage when there was a conflict. You describe weakness in your partner. Since he's so frail, he seems...>>> on Forum topic - Rage meltdown ending on physical abuse adhd partner
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by: saudade -
Hello dear Melody, thank you for your feedback! As I met him by accident today, he is so down and in suffer that he wants to change it. We don´t live together (he was always at my place, but he has his apt.) I understand perfectly what you say and I would agree, if he would refuse to take help. I know his adhd and other syntoms and traumas will not go away, is a part of him, but he is muc more than that. I am not naive or not rational, I know exactly in situation I am, I could be dead, I am aware. But if...>>> on Forum topic - Rage meltdown ending on physical abuse adhd partner
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by: saudade -
Thank you so much, Adele! I´m happy for you with your new relation. The problem with my partner is that he cannot control his syntoms when he drinks too much. I saw it happen before, with other people, but I could take him off the situation. This was the 1st time this happened and he got the consequences right away (now he has sevaral appointments with the police, and has to go to the court). I am not excusing him, but trying to understand and explain. I have to admit, I didn`t take adhd and the other...>>> on Forum topic - Rage meltdown ending on physical abuse adhd partner
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by: 1Melody1 -
Pain/heartbreak and hope that treatment would change him are guiding how you feel right now. That's completely natural. But he needs much more help than you can support and he has to want that for himself. He knew this about himself and still put you at risk - he could have been in treatment years ago for this. You are not safe to be with him again in any way. I suggest no contact and individual therapy to help you move through this and keep yourself safe.>>> on Forum topic - Rage meltdown ending on physical abuse adhd partner
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by: AdeleS6845 -
Hello, saudade. I am concerned for your safety and well being. I was married for 20 years to an abusive man. He had anger and control issues and would often fly into a rage over the smallest things. He never physically hit me, but I would cringe and cower when he raised his voice. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. He criticized and belittled me regularly. The one time it became physical, was when he forced himself on me sexually. I stayed and put up with it until I couldn't anymore. I was in my...>>> on Forum topic - Rage meltdown ending on physical abuse adhd partner
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by: J -
I believe are a common thing with folks who have ADHD. Depending on what other things a person has going on, these cycles will vary from person to person for example: My main cycles are burnout and anxiety/depression associated cycles. I also believe they can be unique from person to person depending each individuals natural make up. I don't suffer from every symptom so some of these things don't apply to me. For example: I don't have trouble sleeping or falling asleep. I tend to sleep very soundly and...>>> on Forum topic - Does the medication really help?
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by: Haveaniceday -
This is not about the topic of the thread, but every time I read your posts Swedish Coast, I have the thought that you should write a book about your experience. The way you describe things makes one really feel the emotion very deeply. There is such pain but tenderness in what you write. I do hope that one day you'll find that playful, free and vibrant person that you truly are, again. Your writing resonates closely with my experience, and your words help me to understand so much more of myself. I am...>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
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by: Catterfly -
Hi Swedish, I just came to re-read this thread as it's become relevant to me personally in the past 24 hours, as you know from the thread I started (and I'm so thankful for your wise advice there). Reading your posts all at once told me so much more about how you're feeling. I hope you've been able to find a strong support person and/or doctor to help you through this time. I'm concerned for you. Sending virtual hugs. We will get through this.>>> on Forum topic - Quality of life alone
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by: Catterfly -
Swedish, I've been following your journey with admiration. I know how hard it's been for you, as many of us here, and thanks to your honest and vulnerable posts, I understand what I'm up against once I leave. It's by no means the panacea that we hope for, at least until we process the trauma. But at least it gives us time to do so. I look forward to the day that you say you're doing better. Til then, we're all here to find a moment of peace and support together. I send you my very best wishes that...>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
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by: Catterfly -
Thank you, swampyankee, you're so right about this. We get raised to learn that we help our spouse "through sickness and health" - but there's a line that is crossed when they're the cause of the sickness, and especially when they've clearly passed it on to the next generation. Thank you for your thoughtful comments.>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
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by: Catterfly -
To all who replied so quickly, thank you so much. I needed to hear the tough love (stop over analyzing and go now!), the validation from all of you that this is really terrible and it doesn't matter what I've done to deserve it, or whether I've done enough to help him, your stories of tragedy (sickandtired, I'm so devastated for you and your sister), and your stories of hope (1Melody1, I'm so glad to hear that your daughter is thriving after you left). You've also given me a framework to think of this...>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
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by: Swedish coast -
To me, rage episodes seemed a last resort when my ADD ex-husband had exhausted himself and still couldn't make himself understood or approved of. I imagined rage is a desperate measure in the face of failure. A mind struggling in a world without rewards. It was sad, and I could understand that with enough frustration and pain, rage will surface in many of us. I thought rage was manageable, even though it couldn't be reasoned with and couldn't be made to follow any decency rules. Like an anxious dog can...>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
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by: 1Melody1 -
Echoing everyone else here - get out as soon as you can. I think your daughter's idea of distance is a good one if legal and reasonable (won't upset the other daughter, won't take you far from your support system). I would say don't blame yourself. Most of us got to the darkest places slowly and getting out is never easy. Sometimes it takes an event. You are doing all the right things and there are massive weights on your shoulders right now, so be kind to yourself. My ADHD ex had no ability to hold...>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
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