I woke up this morning feeing so deeply lonely in my marriage. One of the purposes of marriage is to have a companion through lifes ups and downs. Someone to share experiences with. I would so love to go on a vacation this summer. I have the choice of going alone or taking my DH along. Either option is sad and lonely.
Please shut up, pay attention and don't do anything.
You'd think that was the ADHD spouse but it's the ADDer himself wanting attention. We had a huge fight over ... umm what does it matter, I wanted this and he wanted that.. and he pushed, boxed in, bullied until I blew up. He says he has a few of the symptoms but no big deal.
But the corker is this.... this morning in his best most soothing unctuous voice ..
The last post I had a couple of months ago was how we were on the course for improvement. Husband had finally started meds and was taking them daily - moving over to Vyvanse that seemed to do the trick and we were able to navigate a tricky sale of our condo, pack up, move, I started a new job, he crashed the car/we bought a new one, and ALL of that without a major disagreement or me ending up in tears due to him getting angry/frustrated/irritable with me.
We had a huge fight:
he said It was " all about him" meaning I should support him 24/7
that all I did was "hurt" him
That I should leave his stuff alone, he had mixed food and groceries with tools.
He needed someone to listen to him.
I was so angry I wanted to move out.
My hubby , often hears what isn't said or doesn't remember what is said.
We get into fights that sound like this:
Here is a new perspective. I have been trying so hard to "make things OK" that I have lost my self. Believing that to get along meant that I must compromise and not fight and not nag and try to soothe H's (and other people's) anger/discomfort and to help his overwhelm.
Well, that has not worked. AND I lost my self, my joy, my strength, my identity. I read this today and it points me in another, happier, more robust future:
For most of our marriage, my husband and I have had the same issues; parent-child dynamic and me shouldering the burden of financial responsibility. His lack of keeping a decent job has plagued us. He has had over 15 jobs in our 14 years of marriage. His career has done the opposite of advance as he seems to make less money with each new job. He’s now making less than he did 15 years ago.
Last night, I heard my wife and our son fighting. I went upstairs and asked what was happening. My wife starts explaining about how our daughter snuck her kindle when she was not supposed to have it. OK, but what does that have to do with why she was fighting with our son? Oh, because she decided that it was the perfect time to pick a fight with him because our daughter must be copying his behavior! I tried several times to explain to her that it was not a good idea to start widening the fight. She just kept repeating that our daughter was influenced by his bad behavior and acted like
January 2017 I broke up with my boyfriend of 4+ years, this was hard and complicated. But in March I started to put myself back out there, always believe what Robyn lyric said, “the only way a heart can mend is when you learn to love again” (I changed it slightly). Rather quickly I met a guy online and we hit it off electronically, we had a lot in common and good communication back and forth. We finally decided to meet in person and that went well. He was super engaged, always texting, calling, hanging out. He would plan fun activities and as time progressed I really started to like him.
My marriage is over and still mid-divorce (very nasty and over a year later). Admittedly, I’ve self-diagnosed my ex as ADHD based on research after we separated. I recently found this website and see many identical themes and similarities in my defunct marriage. I only wish I had known these facts before the “D” as perhaps we could have resolved some major issues in the relationship: distrust built from habitual lies, anger and resentment mounted from the overburden of responsibilities and always feeling like a “caged animal”.
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The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.
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