hello all
i have been reading here for a while, learning a lot from all of you - but now i need some help and possibly a kick in the pants!
back story (short): ex-bf and i dated for 2.5 years. he is undiagnosed ADHD but diagnosed with depression, took meds for that but wasn't getting better. when i brought up the possibility of ADHD - after a long time of feeling like sh*t, going nowhere, our arguments seemed to spiral into a confusing mess. the start of the relationship was typical hyperfocus (though i didn't know about ADHD at the time). the end was very abrupt. we hadn't been doing well, both of us were under a lot of stress about it ... and he suddenly said "i can't do this" "i don't want this anymore" and literally walked out.
we talked a few days later but it was like a brick wall...he was so closed. i felt like i didn't know him and i was (again) screaming to be heard. so i left...i shut down, died, fell apart, started therapy for myself etc... but really missed him. 3 months after the breakup, i initiated contact again and we met a few times, talked about the relationship, what happened - rather, i talked about my issues (perfectionist behavior, self-esteem, etc..). when we broke up, he promised he'd get ADHD testing and promised to give me the results (his words). he never did.
i told him i missed him. he was surprised, said he'd have to think about it.
a month later, he told me he was dating someone.
and i lost it. yelled and yelled at him... we'd been having pretty intense talks of our relationship - how his behaviors affected me, down to our sex life. and he waits until all that is over to tell me he's dating someone new??!
that woman was on the other side of the country. - 3000 miles away. wtf??
since that night, i haven't talked with him at all. i am so hurt and angry at the way he treated me during the relationship and after. furious actually, and deeply hurt.
yesterday i found out that he's moved to her city, moved in with her and is working there. all within less than a year.
i know he's not good for me. i know i felt like sh*t with him - undermined, dismissed, ignored. and i know i abandoned myself. i will NEVER do that again. and yet, i feel so awful, another kick in the gut, learning that he's moved.
i am still in therapy and working on my issues. as far as i know, he's not.
i just need someone to offer some insight, shed some light and explain this. i know things in my head, i just need someone else to say it.
thank you.
If you click on my user name
Submitted by HurtButHopeful on
If you click on my user name and read my posts, you'll see we have some things in common in terms of both dating undiagnosed men with ADHD and medicated depression. Sounds like we both had an awesome hyperfocus stage of the relationship (ADHD was only on the table as an aside/joke at that point...not at all understood or delved into) and were both left abruptly. My BF never spoke to me again after a big fight involving the topic of the ADHD. He refused to accept it or change anything about himself. He literally walked away from 3.5 years (long distance) without a word of it even being over.
Here's what I THINK is going on with your ex. Just my opinion based on what you wrote. It sounds like he became overwhelmed with the prospect of having to face his ADHD and do something about it, so he shut down and gave up. Much easier for some people that way. His new relationship and the fact that he has moved across country, etc. is much less likely to be a slap in the face at you and who you are, but much more likely to be him falling into hyperfocus again with someone new...someone who doesn't know about the ADHD or want him to change, etc. If the usual pattern holds true in these situations with undiagnosed/untreated ADHD, then that relationship will also implode one day as well. My BF and I met while we were both going through a divorce. I can remember him telling me that his wife accused him of "changing"...but he told me that I was proof that he hadn't. NOW...knowing what I know now...I can totally see why his wife said that, because I felt the same way myself after the hyperfocus wore off and when he met me it was new focus again, so of course he felt validated and vindicated that there was nothing "wrong" with him.
That said...I know he is a great man behind his brain disorder and I miss him a lot. But, you can lead a horse to water...
Keep focusing and working on YOU and loving YOU.
I am truly sorry that you
Submitted by cls1951 on
I am truly sorry that you both had to go through this. I not only have a adult son who is ADHD but a male friend. After our last blow up on line I was so full of guilt for what I said to him in a moment of anger I was a mess. Now I am a 63 year old woman... I knew he had ADHD after 3 months. I thought I know it all because of my son. Not even closes. I found this site in my desperation to try and figure out what the heck was this all about. Oh I have been also talking to someone. It has really helped me understand my son and the man. I love my son unconditionally...but the man...I do not like him and feel like he could have explained it to me. After all he helped me with the different meds. my son could take. He beat the heck out of me verbally so many times....I honestly do not think he remembers ever saying them. Well I have learned so much in the past week and now I thank God he isn't talking to me anymore. I'm a pretty strong woman but not that strong. I can say my son has a very nice girlfriend ...... but I am worried also.
So through your heartache you might be able to see that it just might have saved you from years of it. Now as a mom I want my son to be happy and live a good life. I think it can happen with the right help along they way.
I wish both of you happiness in the days to come....
be worried
Submitted by bksts on
I don't mean this to sound harsh, cls951, but if your son isn't getting the help he needs then no matter how nice his girlfriend is, he will struggle. but i am very glad to hear you have left the man. as a woman, you deserve so much better!! as a mom, you're doing really well to pay attention to your son. keep doing it. i wish you all the best - we are in this together.
Thank you for responding.
Submitted by cls1951 on
Thank you for responding. I'm sorry I'm late getting back to you but I needed a night to decompress.
I do not feel that you were harsh in the least. To answer your question NO my son does not have everything he needs.
On his 26th birthday he was dropped from his fathers insurances. So no more meds. He has tried different places but do to the fact that that they are controlled meds. he couldn't get them. At this time he does not have ins. Before I go into this part any further I just want to say a few things. Back in 1990 they just gave out meds. for kids with ADD. Just give them the pill and everything will be fine. They never gave me any help on how to understand what was going on and how to deal with it. My son was just a little guy then. He had every side effect that there ways at that time.
I'm not going to go into the history of his journey because it would take hours to write. I have learned so much this past week on this site and all the pieces and behaviors are starting to fall into places. I can see all sides of this now. I'm trying very hard not to get to emotional or to take on too much guilt. But it's very hard. I want to cry for the ones who have been so hurt in all of the craziness of this. But I also am a mom of a son with adhd and I want the best life for him. His girlfriend has her own issues and that is what worries me. She is young and it is both of their first relationships. Thank God they do not live together. She has taken on the roll of the caretaker. He always said he wanted someone like his grandmother (his fathers mother) . Well it wasn't until reading all the story's this week that I now understand why he is a slob, etc.
As for the "man" I wish I had known then what I know now. I'm very angry at him and at the same time I have compassion for him. He is a person and he wants what everyone wants just to be excepted and loved. I do know that his life is ok. He has learned how to keep balances in it.
I am sorry for you
Submitted by bksts on
...you sound so sad for your son, and I am very sorry for that. Is there any way he can get ADHD coaching? Or therapy with ADHD focus? Support group? At least something to help him even without meds.
As for The Man - you are correct, they want what we all want. But at some point, there's a level of personal responsibility that one must take. I read this recently (from an op-ed in the NYTimes): "People’s youthful quirks can harden into adult pathologies. What’s adorable at 20 can be worrisome at 30 and dangerous at 40. Also, at 40, you see the outlines of what your peers will look like when they’re 70."
That may sound heavy, pessimistic or overly negative - but I actually find it honest and relieving. The Man is too old to be mean. Your son has a lot more time ahead of him to not become The Man - and with your awareness, I have hope for him.
((((HUGS)))
Now I'm just heartsick.....
Submitted by cls1951 on
After reading all the post I would really like to say something positive about my son and adhd. He has done so much research on ADHD and he is very verbal about some of his behaviors and how his brain works. He explain what he is thinking. He has had his whole life crumble right in front of him this week. The love of his life and best friend is in a Mental health hospital. The always knew she had BP but now......they diagnosed her with Bipolar and OCD. They keep changing it from 1 to 2 and 1 again. Yesterday was heartbreaking for him as she had hit bottom with the meds. The realization of all of it hit him right in the face. Did he run and hid, no he was proactive and did as much research as he could find. He is there for her now!!! But he also knows that they will not be married or have a family. If anyone has known anyone who is Bipolar as we do, you know that it is a deck of cards house of when they will fall, not if.
I saw so much love and caring in my son last night and hurt. He said the same thing I did a few post back...Doesn't she deserve love and a happy life?
I don't know what to say to
Submitted by bksts on
I don't know what to say to this... it sounds like so much. Your son is good to be with her. Every day is different, take it slowly right now. I am so sorry.
I just don't have the answers
Submitted by cls1951 on
I just don't have the answers for him. We know how this goes. We watched as my nephew went through this and ended up 10 later taking his own life. I would rather deal with ADHD with one of my children then bipolar.
Anyway what I saw in my son last night was so much compassion and it really did take the fears I had away for a while. He knows his shot comings with his adhd and he does work on them.
Thank you!
Submitted by bksts on
HurtbutHopeful, thank you for your reply. I have been reading your posts and was struck by how similar our situations are. Thank you for your thoughts - it's what I needed. I think ex-bf is feeling the same - that nothing is "wrong" with him b/c he has dazzled and charmed yet another woman.
Not saying that I was faultless, however dealing with some unknown monster (not the person, the disorder) is too much for anyone to tackle alone. Near the end, he told me he wasn't even taking his depression meds ("they ran out and I didn't have time to refill the scrip"). In his defense, he was working around the clock with FEMA for emergency we had in this city. However, later, he said it was only for a few days... "but maybe that's when we fought more". But in the end, it was still my fault - if I were the 'right' partner, he'd be compelled to make changes. And "I don't want to do to someone else what I did to you." I hate him for that sentence.
I'm happy it's over, but like you I know there's a good man behind all the crap.
Keep moving forward. It's hard I know, but that's the only direction to go.
Move on
Submitted by sunlight on
1/ He wants to avoid facing the possibilty that he has ADHD. If he did get diagnosed it seems like he would be highly resistant to learning about it, accepting it, and treating it.
2/ He is not mature enough to realise the impact that his behavior has on other people. He also (if he has ADHD) has a brain disorder that might make it harder to see the impact while he is untreated.
3/ You can't and couldn't make him see that. He is the only person who can do that. Until his life gets screwed up badly enough then he probably won't see it at all.
4/ What happened is not your fault. Don't make yourself miserable over him. He is going to avoid and forget you, and the next girl, and the next girl, ... until something changes *in him* or until he finds a person much weaker than you who will let him get away with things that you wouldn't, because you have the self-respect to know that you should not tolerate the behavior that he demonstrated with you. And you won't tolerate that behavior in the future.
5/ You are stronger now. You have learned from this experience even though it has been long and painful. Don't contact him again. Go forward and enjoy your life. Always go forward.
you are so right
Submitted by bksts on
Sunlight,
Thank you... this clear list you wrote out saved me today. I read and re-read it and let it sink in to my core. He isn't aware, or if he is, doesn't have the maturity/courage/balls to say something to me about it. If I had a bruise for every verbal assault, every humiliation, every dismissal - I'd march myself to a DV shelter immediately. This is much harder to see when in it, but now I see it so clearly. And feel like an idiot for letting him treat me that way...I'm a smart woman, I know better. UGH!
Thank you again. I will be reading your list again and again as the days go on. I really appreciate it.
I don't think it has anything
Submitted by cls1951 on
I don't think it has anything to do with being smart or strong.....the truth is he didn't come with a How to navigate through ADHD book. How would you know? My own son has adhd and I didn't know all of this.
If I had a bruise for every verbal assault, every humiliation, every dismissal - I'd march myself to a DV shelter immediately. That is the way I am feeling right now, I think I would have much rather have been punch in the gut then to go through this. But I have lived long enough and gone through enough to know that this to will pass. I have to admit I could have lived without all the drama but in the end I have learned so much from all of you.
Very sad for you
Submitted by summerrhiannon on
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm glad you didn't have any children together. That would have been worse. It sounds like he is very impulsive. My husband has ADHD and started having an affair last year. I thought we had a good relationship, but suddenly, he didn't love me any more. When asked why and what I could do to fix it, he said he just doesn't like my personality. We have 2 kids together and I have 2 kids from a previous marriage. I was devastated and so were the kids. I cried. I screamed. I tried to make him feel like total shit for hurting me and the kids. My friend and my counselor told me maybe he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The symptoms seemed to fit, but not exactly.
After about six months, I gave up on him and was about to move out. The day I was going to put a deposit down on an apartment, he asked me not to leave him. His best friend had given him a few Adderall (because it's fun to party on). He did a 180 and wanted to finally get honest with me. He told me about the affair. He told me he loves me and doesn't want me to leave. I was floored. How can one person make such a drastic change over night. I remembered that he was once diagnosed with adult ADHD. He was taking Adderall when we first met, but stopped soon after. He hyperfocused on me and I thought there is no way he has ADHD. I've seen him focus for hours on listening to me and then it was computer coding. I didn't realize that hyperfocus was a piece of ADHD. I've read lots about it since then.
Fortunately, we were able to save our relationship. He has a prescription for Adderall and he takes it daily. It helps a whole lot. However, my friend thinks her boyfriend has ADHD. They broke up several times. One of his outburst resulted in him shoving her really hard and she almost broke her tailbone. She pressed charges and got a restraining order because that's what everyone told her to do. However, now she misses him and wants him back. He is required to do anger management classes by the court, but he refuses to accept anything is wrong. He won't get treatment. I think there is no hope for a relationship like that unless the person accepts the diagnosis and gets help.
similar story
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
OMG this story could have been written by me. (Orlov deleted content at request of poster)
It really is a kick... such
Submitted by bksts on
It really is a kick... such a strange feeling to think someone I got to know, loved, cared for is suddenly a stranger. It messed with my brain for a long time - my personal sense of reality was/is so warped. I think it's easier for them to cut & run...easier to forget the pain & confusion they feel & create, easier to start anew hoping the newness will allow them to be different and/or better. Doesn't work that way b/c as that quote goes "wherever you go, there you are". Unless they are willing to see the issues, hunker down and deal with them instead of wanting immediate change and running if it doesn't happen, the same stuff is bound to come up again and again.
You & I can't care more for someone than they care for themselves.
Put you first. I will do the same.