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by: Swedish coast -
Unlike me, the relatives in question basically don’t do caring. It seems not to be in their repertoire. I doubt any act of helplessness would make them intervene to help. But it would possibly help if I could voice my hard feelings softer and more likeably. It’s hard because I always feel insulted by their indifference.>>> on Forum topic - On their terms
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by: J -
Swedish, it appears you and I are both searching for the same answers at times. Asking the same questions. I definitely do not have all the answers, but in my own investigation, I believe I have some of them. This is difficult to articulate a distilled version of what I'm thinking. Much of this is of my own creation ( or contructing a model ) but here goes. In my own words. I believe, that there's a God, and what ever God truly is, created all animals with an instinct to survive and...>>> on Forum topic - On their terms
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by: Swedish coast -
C, that’s a good observation. I’m sorry your daughters have withdrawn. Unlike my relatives I actually draw nearer to friends who have a crisis. And I know a bereaved person needs to feel their lost loved one is always a welcome topic. A friend of mine lost her 18 year old son who died unexpectedly in his sleep. We always mention him. My cousin lost her baby daughter. We always mention her. Silent avoidance of others’ pain is hurtful. In the middle of my divorce I spent a weekend with one...>>> on Forum topic - On their terms
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by: c ur self -
Hope he is well... I've witnessed this behavior so often (high level add wife) and read her for 11 years, so I guess I'm a little numb to the disappearing acts...But the reality of it is, either way, there is nothing you can do about it...Often times certain mind types who do this, will show back up like nothing is wrong...And think we (the abandoned partner) the person left concerned and wondering should be fine...It's just the product of minds that live in a "it's all about me state." I've...>>> on Forum topic - At a loss for words
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by: c ur self -
When we have major life changes, it can't help but effect how, and what, we communicate about with family and friends...A lot of our commonality and conversations center around the simple fact of our day to day lives as it pertains to the circumstance's of our life (children, spouses, jobs, activities etc.)...So simple uneasiness can easily happen...Death and Divorce are major circumstance changers as you know...So the drawing away by you, and then them, probably is normal in many families...My...>>> on Forum topic - On their terms
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by: Swedish coast -
J, that is useful. I think what I see my relatives do is zone out, often, in conversations, not only with me. Very possibly unconsciously. They aren’t frowning. It’s rather a vacant stare. I don’t know if they just want to shut me up when they offer no validation to playful attempts at light conversation, but it seems they would be more successful with that if they spoke up themselves. They are often quiet and appear brooding. They have a certain serious tone of voice at all times. ...>>> on Forum topic - On their terms
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by: J -
I've thought about this even more, and have even more to add connecting this to attachment theory.... For now, I wanted to say this is completely subconscious. The thing that triggers it, is not necessarily even related to my story or example I gave. In fact, it may not even have anything to do with the things you're doing Swedish. Most likely, it has absolutely nothing to do with you or anything you did which is why it makes no sense. And no, you aren't going crazy.>>> on Forum topic - On their terms
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by: h1222324 -
Hello. I'm going through the same situation with my husband. It seems like I'm making things worse by telling him how I feel when he ogles other women. Only because now it's to the point where we can't go anywhere and I'm the one keeping my eyes closed or heAd down when an attractive person passes by him. I do this so I can't see him stare at her and so I won't continue to lower myself esteem as he says I'm doing this to myself because he feels he is not doing these things. I try to be open minded...>>> on Forum topic - Too aware of other women
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by: J -
My mom ( pretty sure ) had ADHD and possibly other issues along with it when applying it to my example.>>> on Forum topic - On their terms
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by: J -
I also realized something I still do, that might help to not take it this personally. For me, it's a subconscious response to something that use to happen in the past ( with my mother ) which was a boundary issue. This isn't because of my ADHD inability to concentrate, hyperfocus or distraction. This is ( was ) literally, trying to push the "off button" on the remote, to try and stop the conversation. And before I say anything....yes, this is very rude to experience. I had to look...>>> on Forum topic - On their terms
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by: Swedish coast -
J, that’s interesting too! My personal desire has never been for structure. I used to be a bohemian person, taking things very casually, always late, slightly depreciative towards orderly people, until I was forced into structure by surroundings and responsibilities. What I think would be decent of my relatives would be to either provide some structure to our time together, or some caring flexibility when lack of structure hurts me. The children and I can’t be expected to wait...>>> on Forum topic - On their terms
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by: Swedish coast -
C, are you suggesting the relatives are distancing themselves from me because they judge me? Or think my divorce or new circumstances are my fault? Or that I’m judging them? I know they too are having hard times in their lives. They’ve stopped confiding in me, and have withdrawn somewhat, since Ive previously withdrawn from them (it was very difficult to have nice family get-togethers with them the last few years of my marriage since I had to do all the work while was exhausted and...>>> on Forum topic - On their terms
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by: J -
and I have a lot to say on this subject. As usual, I don't know any other way to say it except in story form so please bear with me. This topic of discussion came up in therapy yesterday, as I was asking why I don't necessarily fit in with everyone who has ADHD. The answer, I've heard before, but I gained a few more insights that made this all click. Hopefully, understanding will help with your frustration, as I understand myself even better now. I can share my revelation ( about mysel ) which...>>> on Forum topic - On their terms
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by: J -
I'll tie this into your last comment. I think I can help you understand.>>> on Forum topic - On their terms
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by: Swedish coast -
Relieved she signed it. I hope you enjoyed your trip with friends and can look forward to spring and summer on your own terms. Thanks for replying.>>> on Forum topic - Shame
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by: c ur self -
If you allow everything He struggles with to become personal to you...You will stay miserable...I'm not defending him...I'm watching out for your mental and emotional state... If you struggle w/ acceptance of huge difference's, you might should move on, and just be friends if possible...Many minds who can share in awesome friendships, will never mesh in a relationship... That is why so many of us ended up here.... c>>> on Forum topic - how do you manage memory issues in the relationship?
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by: c ur self -
You seemed surprised by this...Like it hasn't always been their way?...Just a thought...People who love us, but, aren't in full, or any, agreement with us, might handle it like you are describing...Attempting to bring close friends or family into our circumstance's (new circumstances) might be met w/ a hands up mentality...(You made your bed, you lay in it!) It's obvious by watching and listening to people (and our own minds) one of the hardest things in the world to do is, not attempt to think...>>> on Forum topic - On their terms
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by: c ur self -
The bottom line, relational life is difficult enough when two people both desire it w/o a doubt!....Any time one is not all in, you can waste years and years of your life pursuing some one who isn't relationship material...(Just ended 16 years of it) We tend to make excuses for doing it...Which are only born out of our own neediness... Good luck... c>>> on Forum topic - ADHD partner pushing me away
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by: c ur self -
My wife is high level ADD, and she hasn't been professionally diagnoised for Autism, but, even she thinks she is on the spectrum...So do I... c>>> on Forum topic - Autism & ADHD
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by: c ur self -
I can relate...Of course mine was quiet the opposite...She had no domestic or marital desires, every thing revolved around her pursuit of adventure...I guess it's just the way it works for certain mind type's no ability to live a well rounded life style...Made it extremely difficult for the two of us to have any type commonality in the priorities of life... When we aren't comfortable with our present living arrangements, it's usually easy enough to change...But for me it just boils down to what...>>> on Forum topic - Shame
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