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by: honestly -
I know what you mean about the shared stories and jokes. It’s the patina of time that builds up on any long relationship. It doesn’t indicate love - just time passing. I found myself thinking, of these things, Do i really think that? Is that mine? Do I believe that’s trune? I’ve started to scrape away those layers to find the woodgrain underneath.>>> on Forum topic - I asked him
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by: sickandtired -
Just take it slow. Don’t overshare your recent divorce. Don’t project what you are looking for on to this new person. Let him know you have kids, but don’t introduce them until you know this person much better. You don’t want to jump outof the frying pan into the fire. But having said that, you feel scared because you are stepping out of your comfort zone into a role (a first date) that is very unfamiliar to you. Just relax and enjoy.>>> on Forum topic - I asked him
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by: Swedish coast -
I so appreciate your reply. Am shaken today by how severely messed up I seem to be. Why is it that the unsafety of his ADD mind is also home? A million interactions of intimacy, family jokes, shared values, shared stories. I tell his anecdotes. I make his observations. The idea of partnering up with a new person seems so strange. And frightening too. Somebody on the forum advised me not to pursue love for some good stretches of time yet. And then this person shows up, and wants...>>> on Forum topic - I asked him
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by: sickandtired -
You have your answer. I hope you can move on with no regrets. Please don’t let fantasies of what might have been ruin what lies in front of you. You promised yourself to move on if you knew you did everything you could. Please honor that promise you made to your future self. Start looking forward to the joy of a new relationship! Welcome to your new life!>>> on Forum topic - I asked him
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by: Swedish coast -
The texting with him today has made me desperately sad. It also confirmed I’ve lived a confusing nightmare with him. Turns out he grieves me, has loved me, hasn’t been able to move on, thinks about me every day. But he sees no future for us together. However, he wants peace and to see me to work together for the children. He apparently has NO IDEA of how much he’s hurt me. I discover texting for a few hours with him makes me entirely disheveled and deeply upset. I can’t bear to see him...>>> on Forum topic - I asked him
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by: 1Melody1 -
Having taken more than a decade to make this same gut-wrenching decision myself to leave a 20-year marriage, I just want to say congratulations. I have found challenges on the other side, but in hindsight I also wish I'd just made the decision 10 years earlier - for everyone's sake. You are so strong for making this choice and you've raised such wonderful children who can look at the situation objectively and with love for you both. I've been a single mom for several years now and I keep getting...>>> on Forum topic - stark choice
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by: 1Melody1 -
Having taken more than a decade to make this same gut-wrenching decision myself to leave a 20-year marriage, I just want to say congratulations. I have found challenges on the other side, but in hindsight I also wish I'd just made the decision 10 years earlier - for everyone's sake. You are so strong for making this choice and you've raised such wonderful children who can look at the situation objectively and with love for you both. I've been a single mom for several years now and I keep getting...>>> on Forum topic - stark choice
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by: honestly -
Imagine yourself in 10 years time. Write an account of a day in that life. Do you want to be living like that then? It might help clarify things.>>> on Forum topic - I feel trapped in my marriage. I need help!
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by: honestly -
While the younger one is still at home, we’re birdnesting - taking turns in the family home. I’m lucky - I have friends and family that will put me up. He goes to a flat we own near where he works. So we are very lucky indeed in that respect. What triggered it was, I was intensely unhappy, but trying to make that unimportant compared with the kids’ happiness. Then I got some bad news and it tipped me over into suicial ideation. I was catatonic. And I realised I needed to function and live for...>>> on Forum topic - stark choice
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by: Off the roller ... -
Honestly thank you for sharing. If you don't mind sharing, can you tell me how you actually separated. As in did you just say enough and leave or what it something else? Did you kick him out or did he leave?? I think you're so brave and I believe that's its my life and I want to live it...but im so paralysed by the next big step or even just saying something without it coming out wrong (and by that I mean with a mean tone or condenseding - it's a protective mechanism for me) How did it...>>> on Forum topic - stark choice
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m happy that you feel your children understand. They know exactly what’s going on with us parents, I think. When there’s been immense strain and unhappiness, none of it will pass them by. Mine are trying to be loyal to us both, weighing every word about their father carefully, actually rarely mentioning him to me, despite the fact they live with him 50%. I think they try to protect me, knowing how upset he’s made me. You’re making giant steps toward freedom now. I’m glad to hear it!>>> on Forum topic - stark choice
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by: honestly -
This evening I was feeling guilty having messed up arrangements with a friend and said tomorrow my daughter ‘I feel so bad.’ and her response was not to leap straight to talking about the situation with her Dad, but to ask with genuine surprise and concern, ‘Why?!’ so I explained. And afterwards I thought, it didn’t even cross her mind that I should be feeling bad about the split. The kids do see; they know; they don’t want change but when it comes they do understand. I feel happy, baseline...>>> on Forum topic - stark choice
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m happy for you. It’s a brave choice and I can’t imagine you’ll regret it. This forum has been immensely helpful since I did what you’ve done about a year ago. Congratulations also to your children for being shown how to restore balance and happiness. Hugs>>> on Forum topic - stark choice
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by: c ur self -
There are things born into us, that we can't explain...The bond of two one flesh people is one of those... Bless you!>>> on Forum topic - Emotional safety
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by: Swedish coast -
It makes sense that even a painful bond can be strong. I have such a depth of emotion, it almost scares me. Today my heart hurts at all thought of both the ADD ex and the possible new person. I wish love could be less engulfing and frightening.>>> on Forum topic - Emotional safety
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by: J -
but I don't have the answer, truly? I don't think these strong points came out of no where and there's a reason I am, the way I am. My current theory? My early socialization experience including swimming competitively helped develope skills centered around controlling my body, breathing, heart rate etc...and having the opportunity to be around lots of different people ( in my neighborhood ) both kids and adults. My desire to be social and have friends pushed me to learn these skills. If you look...>>> on Forum topic - Emotional safety
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by: sickandtired -
I’m just saying I was stuck until I faced my fears, and got out of my comfort zone. Your fears seem to be revolving around how your children need to see loving parents. They also need to see happy parents. Please ask yourself, was I really happy? Could my kids have sensed my unhappiness? Many divorced parents find a way to evolve into being cooperative “loving friends”, with the kids as their shared priority, yet they have mutual freedom to live their own lives, set their own goals, and be free to...>>> on Forum topic - Emotional safety
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m glad you’re now happily married. It warms my heart.>>> on Forum topic - Emotional safety
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by: sickandtired -
My ex and I were never married and had no children. Still it took me going 8 years without intimacy and a lot of controlling disrespect from him before I felt like I could “break” the bond and move on. I realized later that the bond had died a slow death years before. I just didn’t want to accept it. I was very uncomfortable about moving outside of what had devolved into being my Comfort Zone. But once I decided to move on, similar to where C is now, I felt so much better, “alive again” as C said so...>>> on Forum topic - Emotional safety
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by: Swedish coast -
Sickandtired, I feel you clearly know what you’re talking about. Isn’t it strange though, I feel two years after all intimacy ended with my ex, I’m betraying our bond by moving on.>>> on Forum topic - Emotional safety
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