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[Author’s Note: Melissa Orlov describes an ADHD symptom/response/response dynamic that can work to disrupt marriages.  I give the following story as a possible illustration.  We knew nothing about ADHD until one of my sons and then my wife were diagnosed three years ago.]

I have been married to my husband for 11 years and have experienced all the craziness that is described in this forum.  I often find myself relating to so many of the posts here.  When I first began noticing the odd behaviors, the lying, the cheating, the angry temper, stonewalling, silent treatments, saying one thing - doing another, etc, etc. I, like most of you went on a search for what was going on to gain clarity and validate that I was not in fact losing my mind.  My husband's two oldest sons both have ADHD so that is where I began my search.  I found the book, Is it you, me or ADHD?

ADHD Effect on Marriage is one of my current re-reads.  I just finished reading Step 2:  Addressing Obstacles.  I am still struggling a lot with the aspect of natural consequences for the adhd spouse.  I am finding that I, the non-adhd spouse, am still bombarded with natural consequences as a result of my adhd household.  But the natural consequences don't seem to be affecting the adhd individuals, they seem to be my natural consequences...by association.  As a small example, I will do laundry simply because I need to clean my clothes so I might as well do everyone else's, but I will not pu

I'm very well. That's what I hear my DH saying to people all the time. Even right after screaming and swearing at me.  Even with the hoarding mess. Even with the constant forgetfulness. Even with the crazy communication. Even with the broken promises. Even with the never ending lying. I fail to understand the depths of denial......

Here is a writing from online "Phycology Today" that I shortened and it targets exactly what I have been swimming in for so long.  I didn't know the rules (or chose to make my own easier, more comfortable rules).  I was attracted to the bad boys and I was a nice girl.  Not a fun place to be for too long.

Why Nice Guys Finish Last (and Nice Gals Too)!

1) Nice People Do Not Make Their Partners Invest

I truly feel like my mind and comprehension has been damaged in dealing with my ADHD spouse. Maybe it is weariness or PTSD or something. I have so much more trouble understanding what he is trying to say to me than I used to. Could the stress of dealing with untreated mental illness have that effect on a spouse?

If you are in a loving and fun relationship for many years - at times strained by misunderstood ADD symptoms, and then finally ended because of responses to those symptoms, is there any way to get through to your ADD partner about the importance of this?  To have a 'second chance at life' ?

Peaceful happiness has eluded us for many years, and can be summarized by typical scenarios where I (non-ADD female) would uncharitably attack/accuse my partner as a reaction to what I perceived as selfish/inexplicable/uncharitable neglect on my partner's part.

This is the first full week that my wife and kids have off from work/school.  We did a year-end road trip last week.  This week, my wife's mother is visiting.  Already, there was a lot of conflict over the weekend, largely about trying to clean the place up, especially before the visit.  The house is even messier than it has been, partially because we (in other words, ME) have been boxing up things in the living room so we can have the floors fixed.  The conflict over cleaning had to do with the kids, but I also got some of the conflict from my wife over why I was not able to get them to co

I had a thought this morning....out of nowhere....I just wanted my H and I to be ONE of the success stories where ADHD and marriage succeed.

That sums it all up. 

There are not many who post here like that.....because they are off LIVING their lives! 

I wanted to BE one of them.....hmm.

Not sure why this thought is resonating with in me. I think possibly that the stories of both parties accepting the AdHD offer such hope and inspiration that "seeing" our own reality is ....disheartening.

My ADHD husband has more than just ADHD going on. He isn’t just having a hard time doing things.  He also resents anything that cuts into his “me” time, which to him is anytime he isn’t at work. I know this because he says things straight out.  I’m not putting words in his mouth  

So on top of ADHD, he is also actually lazy and selfish.  He glares at me or says nasty things when I say, “Could you please _______ for me today?”  It really is like living with an entitled teenage boy.