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Hi,

It appears that most blogs etc including many books around ADHD rarely include the more complex situations where both partners suffer from ADHD or the non ADHD party another condition such as PTSD or Complex PTSD.

I've been trying to wrestle this beast that is my marriage, my relationship.  When I found out about adhd, I felt relief.  I had read all kinds of marriage books but none of them hit home.  And then I found books about adhd by multiple authors who all somehow knew the weird land I lived in, who could describe the things that left me holding all the responsibilities.

But there was still more, and I could feel it.  His way of being wasn't entirely adhd.

A couple of days ago my internet was shut off.  It is at least the 3rd time this year and the second time since July when I dipped into my retirement to pay off the $12,000 in credit card bills that my husband had run up in 6 months.   Now, the reason the credit card bills were so high is because when he would get paid, he wouldn't pay the bills because he was "worried he'd need the cash for an emergency."   Then when the bills were due, he would have to put them on the credit card.

My name is Dave and I have high level ADHD. I am  married to the most wonderful, beautiful, caring, sweet, empathetic woman in the world. After being married to me for over 13 years and she is STILL with me proves it. About six months ago, she was done. Done with me being defensive about everything, mean to  her, not helping in raising our two girls while she NEVER slept AND worked to pay our bills. I went and did what I thought was important, I had my ENTIRE priority list upside down, and I really had no clue what I was doing.

My name is Dave and I have high level ADHD. I am  married to the most wonderful, beautiful, caring, sweet, empathetic woman in the world. After being married to me for over 13 years and she is STILL with me proves it. About six months ago, she was done. Done with me being defensive about everything, mean to  her, not helping in raising our two girls while she NEVER slept AND worked to pay our bills. I went and did what I thought was important, I had my ENTIRE priority list upside down, and I really had no clue what I was doing.

I'm 34 and my partner of 3 years and I have decided to separate. She is 31 and has recently been diagnosed with combined ADHD. 99% of the time,I have never met a more lovely, kind, caring, beautiful girl in my life. It's the 1% that was the end. Pre diagnosis was a rollercoaster of arguments, power plays, impulsivity, depression, drug taking on nights out, Hyperfocus/ me being ignored, crying/breakdowns, her mind racing, anxiety and generally living her life at 1000 mph.

I wanted to reach out here because I feel like there may be people in the same boat as me that could help. 

Let me start by expressing my thanks for this forum. My wife of 20 years was recently diagnosed but I have had my suspicions forever. It wasn't until she recently had Covid that the ugliest side of ADHD reared it's ugly head. 
She had a very bad experience with Covid and lost most of her senses for quit some time. Almost as soon as she recovered, she went into a hyper bucket list phase. I tried to be patient and understanding but when she had an affair that drew the line. 

My wife is ADHD and cycles through the mood swings of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. This condition has devastated our marriage and ruined our intimacy life. I have come to dread the weekends, because I never know what will trigger the RSD episodes. RSD is a self-fulfilling prophecy so to speak. The more she rages about the lack of sex, and makes me feel put down and humiliated, the less I want it with her. We are in our 60's and our sex life has been few and far between.

In short, do you think the ADHD spouse can change? Or do you have to change to make it work? My wife and I have been married for 6 years, I was diagnosed at 3 years we had our daughter at 4 years and it's been up and down. I communicate poorly about things because of shame, especially money and sex. Getting diagnosed and treated helped us get strong enough that we had a baby together but those stresses have caused a relapse in me and I have to refocus and readjust all over again just to get back to a level of connection and communication we had before.

Hello, I knew from the beginning of our 19years and counting together (12 years married) that my wife was abused as a pre-teen. It seemed to me like background information; thought nothing of it other than compassion  for what happened. We had a wonderful courtship, engagement and marriage. 6 months after "I do" her mother died suddenly. It was heartbreaking for me because my mother-in-law was an amazing woman and I loved her. It was devastating for my wife. She took it really hard and I was her rock.