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This idea in Melissa's book I struggle with. I understand the premise and I understand partners are at their individual juncture through co-construction (destruction) of their relationship. But I have a really hard time to accept not to blame the ADHD partner or to not expect that person to make a move. Unless I'm missing something... isnt that why we're in this situation to begin with? I'm mad as hell. As much as I am willing to do whatever. But if it is a one way street... I'm out. Any thoughts on that? 

Very briefly, I wanted to state that out of the three books that I read on the topic of ADHD, I found yours most helpful in understanding the effects on marriage. However, I will say that it irritated me considerably that most examples you showed or discussed the husband was the person with ADHD. This is not the situation I live in. I think it would have been helpful to ensure alternating your examples, so that it does not create the impression that this is mostly a male driven problem. 

I am currently in a 7 month old relationship with an ADHD man, and I am a non-ADHD women who has very well controlled Generalized Anxiety Disorder with Depression. He is in his early 30s and I am in my mid-to-late 30s.

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For years, my sister, to me, has been so chatty that I hardly get a word in.  By the time she takes a breath, we are off topic of what I might have responded to earlier in her monologue.  It sometimes makes me edgy.  Yet, the other day she said something to me that has me thinking,  she said, our older sister is not supporting her in her new widowhood the same way she supported our oldest sister through "entertaining her with talking".  

I joined this forum because it was by far the best I have found, with help and support for spouses of adults with ADHD. and as myself and OH have lived together for over 16 years as man and wife, we are married except for that piece of paper - therein lies the problem. I hope you will still accept me on this forum - it helps so much to know that others feel as I do and go through similar experiences.

Does your partner 1) acknowledge the disagreement and that you might be correct; 2) tell you you're wrong; 3) attack you; or 4) some combination? If your partner does or might have ADHD, do you think the reaction has something to do with ADHD or do you think it's a separate aspect of his or her personality? I'm assertive and I like to be right but I'm also willing to acknowledge when I'm wrong. Former partner is not very assertive, likes to be right, and has become more willing to acknowledge when he is wrong.

I am a non ADHD spouse. My husband says he has probably had ADHD since childhood, but has never been diagnosed. He is trying to self-manage any less than desirable traits that he is aware of. Brief background – he was married, divorced, remarried then widowed. I was widowed. We met and married in our mid 50’s. During courtship he was so very fun and treated me like a queen! After about a year he started losing the ability to filter some unnecessary hurtful commentary and there were some angry outbursts.

I don't know if I can do this anymore. There, I said it. How nice it is to be able to say it to people who not only understand my life but are living it too, where you wake up one morning to see boxes that haven't been unpacked from when you moved... 5 years ago. See empty toilet rolls on the floor when the bin is a meter away. See overflowing rubbish, and recycling, stacks of computers and monitors in the hallway, see a new box of 100 assorted and tangled wires appear in the man room (that tip is not an office anymore).