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So - I heard this song, and BOY did it resonate with me today!  PLUS - its got Marines!  And who doesnt love them! :-)

THEY CANNOT HAVE OUR SOULS!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuwfgXD8qV8

Days like this I want to drive away
Pack my bags and watch your shadow fade
You chewed me up and spit me out
Like I was poison in your mouth
You took my light, you drained me down
But that was then and this is now, now look at me

This is just a humorous post...that came out of something my therapists has used to help me (and us together) understand (my) particular situation with my wife and I. This is done on both of our behalf including my wife and she is in on this too......For me....this helps me in  order to get me to see my wife...from the perspective of a character...or "nature of the beast" way of seeing things.  This is really is helpful for me...in understanding what my wife...is not always able to communicate with me as far as her needs are concerned.

So most days most of us do okay with the lack of support or emotional connection in our marriages, or at least we have made our peace with it.  But then there are days where you think you are keeping all the balls in the air and one comes CRASHING down and you realize just how alone you are even when there is another supposed adult in the house.  That was my day today.  Four weeks ago I had back surgery.  It went great and I feel terrific.  The bill came in the mail.  Thank GOD for our terrific insurance (from my job) because the entire thing was $20,000 and we only owe $1900.

Those intense changes? Those ones I was so proud of for my H that he had accomplished over the past 3 weeks? Yeah... those... Another false start...

I have never been formally diagnosed with ADHD, but based on my life history and my neuro-psych testing results "ADHD - highly probable", i believe that i have ADHD (inattentive).  My wife says that i don't try hard enough, that i'm not pulling my weight in the marriage.  She doesn't want to pay to have me tested so someone can us that i have ADHD, because i won't follow thru on anything a therapist suggests (go figure!).  She doesn't really understand ADHD and doesn't want to learn about it.  She says that i am just using it as a "get out of jail free" card when i neglect to do something. 

Dede  posted about this guy, and J also posted about him.  This video has REALLY opened my eyes quite a bit to how much trauma CAN affect someone.  So much of this sounds like the ADHD/ADD stuff as well.  I know for my H - what happened to him in childhood is a big precursor and aggravator to hi ADHD tendencies.  I suspect he would not have NEARLY the issues he has with his tendencies had he not experienced his CSA.

This guy is describing EVERYTHING I could ever hope for my H.

Vabeachgal posted on an old blog post - and something got me thinking from the orignal poster's ideas.

They were steps to a "better 2015" ....  this was #3

"Resolution #3:  Teach yourself self-intimacy.

I consistantly have dreams about my soon to be ex H, and out of 7 years, I can count the times he was a positive presence in them on my hands (probably).  Last night I had a dream about him - and I am pretty sure it sums up so much of my frustration...

1) Having and Dx that others think  that I am just lazy,or scattered, ectI 

2) Being criticized for having a huge ego, when Im proud of what I have done, and doing e.g BS degree, Trying to recover from PTSD, Having a very succesfull small buisness, and having found a job I can retire on, and USE MY 6 Yrs in the NAVY.  And I don't have a big ego..

3) Having relationships with people who don't get that positive motivation is KEY.

4) Having non-judgmental interactions with those who have preconceived expectations of my performance.