Recent forum posts (all topics)

Hello to this wonderful group,

I read Melissa's book and found this forum last summer. Have only now found the nerve to officially "join" and post. I was married for 14 years (no kids) and when it ended in 2011, I vowed that I would not make the same mistakes again. I haven't, yet I've made a whole slew of new, perhaps worse, mistakes.

I'd love to hear some positive stories from today. As we know, ADHD can be used to come up with some very creative and romantic memories. What did your loved one do for you today that reminded you how much you loved him/her? Positive stories only please. Leave negative stuff in the Slug Box.

The Perfect Love

by Ruth Myers

Do any of you ever find that your ADD spouse remembers conversations incorrectly, and then becomes upset when things don't work out how they remembered it should? It happens so often in my house that I sometimes feel as though I'm being "gaslighted". The only way I can see to prevent the problem is to record (either digitally or handwritten) every major conversation we have - but then I fear DH becoming defensive ("What do you mean, you've been keeping track?")

A very good friend of mine is enduring problems much like mine in her marriage.  Although her spouse does not, as far as we know, have ADHD, he does seem to have a personality or character disorder that has manifested in similar ways as my spouse's ADHD and related disorders (depression, anxiety, oppositional behavior).  My friend and I both struggle with moving forward while bearing the burden of being the main breadwinners, parents, and housekeepers in our families, either without our husbands' emotional and physical contributions or with them behaving in openly contrary ways.

Notice I did not say "the" non-ADHD spouse.  I would never assume that anyone else has the same experience as I've had just because he or she is the non-ADHD spouse.  (And yes, I also think people, including me, shouldn't assume that they know what is going on in the brain of my husband, the ADHD spouse.)

I have been watching YouTube sessions with PhD. Russell Barkely.  I am saddened by the lack of knowledge we had in our family and in our culture about ADD.  How impatient I had been all these years not realizing there was something different in my dh's and maybe my son's brains.  I wrote in my journal 15 years ago that everyone stopped talking in our home.  I remember being saddened and also upset that no one talked or shared.  I didn't know what was going on.  I didn't understand why we could not talk about goals, decisions, agreements.

I finally see clearly the dynamics in this quote from Melissa:  "ADHD creates many challenges in a relationship, particularly if the ADHD is untreated or undertreated.  But it's not just ADHD symptoms - the other spouse's response to the those symptoms is equally important in how you get along.  Part of the reason your relationship has gotten worse over the years is because your reactions have become faster and more emotional."

After years of begging, my DH is finally going to be seen by a psychiatrist. He's been off meds since 2011 when he had his heart attack.  It's been a struggle because he stopped taking his antidepressants too so he's been a real treat to live with for the past year especially. /saracasm.

I am glad that he's going to try to get some help again, but I am also realistic about how long it will take.  Meanwhile, I have to live with his behavior while trying to parent two young kids, manage my own PPD and preexisiting mood disorder, and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

I've been reading a lot about codependency and realize now how much it has affected me and how I dealt with my guy. Previously, I had just been reading about his ADD, never knowing I had anything, which of course is also codependency...trying to fix someone else. I'm not sure where my codependency started. Everything I've read says it can start from something in childhood, but I can't really think of anything there. I have to wonder if it could've happened because my first love/best friend of 9 years ended our relationship by writing a letter and then I never saw him again.