Hi all. I haven't posted here in a very long time. My husband and I have been married for 22 years. He has ADHD (inattentive, distracted, hyperactive, diagnosed as a child), which I knew about and understood when we first began dating. He is the love of my life. But I always knew it would a be a difficult relationship, I went in with my eyes open.
SOME people just don't WANT to be good. It seems that dh has taken on the lifelong attitude of "I can't, so screw it all. I'll make myself FUN and camouflage my secrets." FLIMFLAM. I had the naive notion that all people wanted and strived to be successful, happy, partnered and respected in a shared relationship and in a community. This is not true .... as I am thinking of and looking at dh and how he has made choices and conducts himself. He NEEDS a certain amount of mess and chaos around him. As though that is something he can HAVE of his own.
If you know my story, my spouse and I have been separated for months. He has untreated ADHD. I am trying to balance co-parenting with him and maintain a friendly and supportive relationship. I also come here to continue to work out some stuff from our pretty traumatic relationship.
I filed for a legal separation yesterday. This is progress and I'm feeling hopeful. Here's why: 1) After I told my husband, we had a calm discussion about the legal and practical ramifications of the filing and of a possible separation. It has been awhile since we've been able to stay on topic when the topic is serious and personal.
I have been lurking here for a while. My husband of 20 years was recently diagnosed with ADHD-Inattentive type. It took my leaving to get him into diagnosis and treatment. I have experienced many of the problems discussed here: his chronic unemployment and related financial problems, mental exhaustion and feeling like the only responsible adult in the house because he cannot seem to make or keep a to-do list, frustration and hopelessness, etc.
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My paradigm of the Chain of Events:
1. My spouse is in the dining room, backing-up (walking). I don't remember why he was walking backward.
2. My son is walking forward, carrying a bowl of 'right-off-the-stove' Ramen Noodle Soup.
3. I am standing near the stove.
4. A collision of the 2 men happens.
5. I cry out my spouse's name.
6. Both men are splashed with boiling hot soup.
My final straw came this week. I don't talk to my husband much about our problems and he is happy for me not to do so. But for me, although talking about things is hard, it seems just as bad to not talk about them. So, I brought up how frustrated I am. My husband almost immediately redirected the conversation to explaining how my bad reactions cause him to respond the way he does. Once again, he took off the table the thing that I see as the major problems: that he won't look for a better job and that he is contributing only minimally to the family, financially and in other ways.
What its like to have ADHD
Hi, This is the first time I have ever posted anything in my life. I am typically an insanely private person, but I’m at such a low point in my life I can’t help but reach out. I’ve been on an off of this website for a few years now and have gained some great insight, but haven’t activity participated in any of the discussions. I have certainly related with so many of the postings.
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The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.
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