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Ok.. I've got something I need some help and feedback on. My husband and I have been married 11 years, together for 13. We only learned about a year ago he's got ADHD, and he's medicated now.

I often read on this forum, and sometimes feel myself, that the nonADD spouse has to make lots of changes to accommodate the ADD spouse.  In fact, I have read on numerous occasions, statements from the nonADD spouse that express frustration that they are making ALL the changes.

Well, this morning, my wife reverted to an old habit - she made a noise that I find really annoying, which she stopped doing months ago.  (I had told her it was a really "disgusting" noise, and she agreed, and she worked to change that habit.)

I've been reading through these forums tonight and seeing a lot of consistent things. Many of them echo the same things that my wife (non ADD) and I (ADD) deal with on a regular basis. We've been married for 14 years and have worked through many issues including her frustration with me and my ADD. I realized tonight what one of the biggest causes of friction is when we get in an argument and I see the the same thing through other posts. It has to do with how we respond to my forgetting to do something that was asked of me.

.....I see so much hurt and despair and miscommunication and hope fallen apart etc...I too go through these up's and down's on a regular basis w/ my loved one. It's difficult to hold on to hope when things go well and 48 hrs later they are going back down again and then 72 hrs later you're back up again...if there was ever a roller coaster that made my head spin it's the one that I ride with my fiancé by my side. He is diagnosed with ADD and is 30 years old and we are working through a lot but not giving up either.

It's funny, I haven't been on this site in quite a while.  I remember someone on here once saying that only people who are miserable come on here...those whose spouse won't get help...etc.  And my husband decided to stop his meds last week and I'm back to being hurt and miserable.  I don't want to be dramatic....meds help him a good bit, but I didn't realize how much until he stopped them.  He's back in his own little world, less sensitive, more rude and mean to me, more impulsive, less self control.  I'm shocked at how much the meds effected him.  Problem is, he's still not 100% convince

So, it occurs to me that my communication style is to ask lots of questions.  I do that for a couple of reasons, the two primary ones being:

1.  As an introvert, I tend to ask more questions, and so talk less, and listen more.

2.  As someone in the helping profession, my training has been to practice "active" listening, which includes asking "clarifying questions" in order to make sure I understand what the other is saying and/or feeling.

I fell like it is so hard to have even the simplest conversations with my wife, and it has become so frustrating. 

An example from last night:

Me, as we are about to watch a recorded TV show:  One more show and then bed?

Her, referring to the fact that it's a little earlier than our usual bedtime:  Oh good.  I can go in early tomorrow.

Me, wondering what time she will be getting up in the morning:  Oh, what time do you need to leave?

Her:  I don't need to leave at any time.

I experienced a lack of climax during most of my marriage.  I had a difficult time tuning out the romantic music that my wife would put on before love making.  I did not understand that it was ADD, since I did not get my dx until after our divorce.  Physical intimacy and love were two separate entities inside of my head.  Do any other men share this experience?

Non-ADD spouse here.  I'm out of ideas on how to communicate.  I'm rather frustrated at the moment.  I'm stuck without a way to effectively express any needs or complaints.  My attempts fail in two ways.

My polite, earnest, repeated, gentle, feeble, whatever, attempts don't get any results.  I then have to decide if it is important enough to escalate.  I have to give up minor requests or bottle up minor complaints - which would be tolerable if they weren't so many or they didn't remain indefinitely.  That gets old.

My husband and I have been struggling with his ADD (no H) for years. He's gotten on meds and then he was at least willing to be employed. But I still feel like an afterthought in his life. He does nothing in the house. As I write this (3 on a Sunday afternoon) he's asleep. I am very frustrated. All of you know this story.