This is a well known situation that we just navigated together without any conflict. I won't say there's an exact resolution on my end, but a compromise was made.

If memory serves me ( I'm not 100% sure )...but in one of his books, Dr Hallowell talked about this very relationship issue, about himself, so I know I'm not alone. This has to do with waiting to do things ( until later ) or doing them right away ( first thing ) and the order in which people tend to do things. In our case, I'm the wait until later guy, and my SO is the do it right now first before you do anything else.

This is actually a very good combination for me. By taking her lead, she's motivated me to stay on top of things and I've already developed much better habits by simply "doing it first".  And so many times, I feel the resistance from my "do it later" pattern trying to pull me back.  And 99% of the time, by fighting the "do it later" by "doing it now", it's been a positive change in improving a life long ADHD pattern....except in one specific case which is Sunday morning on my day off. ( or any day off for that matter ).

Like my mother, my SO, on any given day, within minutes of opening her eyes and her brain turns on, springs out of bed like a race horse and starts "doing something " immediately.  In my SO's case, I'll wake up many times with the sound of the washing machine and the vacuum cleaner ( both ) going at the time. I remember distinctly, the sound of cookware banging together and cupboards opening and closing when I was a kid. Nothing has changed, except now it's more likely the vacuum cleaner instead. 

On a non work day, this is not a problem. As I said, this is a really good motivator to get my butt up and moving. On the weekend however, this has become more of an issue....especially when ( with intention ) I allow myself to default to my old pattern which is:

Lay in bed for an hour and do nothing and/or  listen to music...while continuing to do nothing. Then after an hour or so, slowly get out of bed and wander aimlessly around the house, then wander outside and look around for a while,  then wander back into the kitchen and think about making coffee. I may start the coffee, but many times get side tracked on the first thing I see only to forget about the coffee, to finish something I started yesterday, but then remember the coffee...and come back to finish making it. I'll then putter around the house some more drinking coffee,  to then go back outside to look around ( again ) and listen to the birds and watch planes fly by overhead.....

only to come back inside and get back into bed with my phone, and scroll around for a while longer until I'm fully awake. At this moment, it when I first think about getting ready to do something productive, but first, having to lay around for a while longer and strategize my day using the "what do I feel like doing first" method to plan my day. By this time, a couple of hours has past which is okay...since I give myself until 12:00pm to actually start anything as a rule. Which means....my starting time is always "later" in the day....never "first". I have figured into my automatic calculator, that 5:00pm is roughly my deadline...and the closer I get to 5:00pm as a start time...the more pressure I feel, and the more motivated I get, to get going and do the "task(s)".

Once 12:00pm hits...it's officially afternoon! Morning is for getting ready and doing nothing...afternoon is for doing "work" and 5pm is quitting time approx.

So in this scenario....I'm off to the races ( the race horse ) at noon...and my SO is off the races the second her feet hit the floor in the morning....and it doesn't matter if it's the weekend of not. With her, it's consistently the same thing every day. Which is why she's so consistent!

Her pattern never changes...but mine does. This is where the problem begins. We both work full time so during the week...my pattern is the same as hers. I adopted her pattern and made it mine from the start. It's only when I change from her pattern to my old "default " weekend pattern when the problem starts... .as I've told her repeatedly: "it's the weekend, when I'm not working, getting up and starting immediately feels just like work....and with intention, and full awareness....is exactly what I'm trying NOT to do !"

And the one that really puts her over the edge is when I've gotten back into bed! Lol I can see the smoke starting to come out of her ears when I do that!  Needless to say, this really bothers her and she starts to get irritated and angry at times.

And we don't have kids with us, so that's not a concern.

more to come.

A first indication that my ex husband is sorry everything has ended badly with me and takes some responsibility for it. He allegedly has said he "hasn't found a way to change things for the better, yet".

To me, this is incredible. Imagine having had passing thoughts for A YEAR that you want to tidy up the trainwreck you left behind when you moved out after a two decade marriage and several children, but not lift a finger to actually do anything. Yet.

It's in line with the other devastating ADD procrastination/neglect behavior I've lived with, so why should I be surprised? But I'd almost prefer he'd hated my guts and wanted to destroy me, and then had basically forgotten about me (though we co parent via texts). That's pretty much how it feels from here. It would be easier to live with. I can't bear that he cares.

I feel so lost in life right now. I'm not well. I don't know how to turn things around.

So it's been a "hell" of a week for me.... but the trigger wasn't my spouse, its my mother and my unfortunate knowledge of how much of a co-dependant I've become and this has transferred to my marriage. Essentially my mother left me a 26 min voicemail that unsettled me so much Im now realising it affected EVERYTHING this week. And now my husband has disappointed me today (again. This is a daily occurance) and I find myself in a victim spiral that I now know is part of what is feeding my "need to be needed" co-dependancy traits.... and I want out of the spiral and not sure how to get myself out of it. 

How do yall ride this wave? When you're triggered by something that you're trying to work on/doing thr work and BAM it just spills to everything and you've started picking at everyone around you and being frustrated by every. Single. Thing. 

I cant fix my marriage at this exact point, I can't leave right now, I'm trying to pull myself into the moment bc I'm missing out on good things and life bc im so clouded with bitterness and anger towards a woman that is definitely a narcissist and undiagnosed mental illness...all while being in a house wirh a husband and marriage that is teetering on a cliff and about to go smashing to the ground. 

I just don't know what to do and how to unravel some of the cyclone that is happening in my own brain - basically do things that are in my control. Anyone feel this way and what did u do to get our of this spiral??? 

Hi everyone hope this is the right place. I'm looking for some help. My marriage is at breaking point at this moment in time. When I first meet my partner she had undiagnosed ADHD and her son also ( he was 3 at the time ) . Jump a few years ahead and they were both diagnosed with combined ADHD. We now have a child together now so their are 4 of us. 
 

Last week my wife wanted to talk and said that she wanted to separate because she was fantasising about someone she see on our holiday in September and she said it didn't feel right being together at this moment in time. She said she didn't know if it was something she wanted or a phase of her ADHD that she had previously had in the past. She said she has masterbated over him 3 times since we have been back. Once as soon as we arrived home which she thought nothing off it. Then twice just over a week ago. She didn't want to keep it from me that's why she told me so she could try and figure this out.
 

For the past 5 years I have struggled with her son ( my none biological son ) and he's ADHD. She has nagged me over the years to sort myself out and give him the care that he needs. I would be ok for a few weeks then would go back to normal telling him off and not giving him the proper care a child with ADHD needed and treated him like a child without ADHD as I have 3 other children from a previous relationship.

The last two days I have listen to both of Melissa's books. I can resonate with nearly everything in the books to my wife parenting me etc and one story that upset me so much because it describe everything my wife has said to me about the way I have been by not doing as much housework etc and pulling my weigh and leaving her to deal with everything. I believe that I too may have ADHD but only the inattentive type. But listening to these has made me realise that I now at 36 know myself. Because Iv just been plodding through life and accepting everyday for what it is.
 

When speaking to my wife about it she just says you probably don't have it you just show some symptoms and seems annoyed that I'm hyperfocusing on the issue. 

I don't know what to do to try and save my marriage because it seems that I'm trying and after a week my wife is getting cross and annoyed at me for trying to talk to her about it. Which I though she would of been caring and helpful over this but she has been the opposite.