I started a post when I first came back here again a few months ago entitled "Homiostasis". I had a specific question as it relates to motivation but I wasn't able to articulate in words what I was concerned with. That was just before going back on meds again as I was directly concerned how this would translate to my job, one of my main concerns at the time.

Now, several months later and switching meds in the process....I now know what I was worried about because in a real way, it's  already happened. This is one of those "things" ( without a name ) that are the consequences of taking a drug, whether it be good or bad. The closest I can come up with is homeostasis and/or biorhythms.  I know biorhythms aren't an officially recognized science, but for lack of a better term....it's the constantly changing cycles that have to do with your physical, mental and emotional state that are always in flux. Homeostasis refers to the balance between these elements. And within these things includes your motivation, or maybe....the drives that make us do things. And a reminder that ADHD has to do with doing things...important to note.

My main concern, going back on meds, was I would lose the hunger, or drive I used to motivate myself at work. It's the thing that I tap into to push myself and drive myself to do better. You could call it the "edge". And part of that edge is is to channel emotions including anger. Anger can be a powerful tool if used in a positive way. 

When I was reading about RSD that Mellisa included in her blog about this topic, a man with ADHD described it for himself saying: he never realized how much of his life revolved around RSD... how it influenced his decisions and actions throughout his entire life. I concur, but it doesn't stop there. ADHD itself has an equally strong ( if not more ) side effect or consequence of motivating a person, and therefore, influencing their actions, in different directions. Different than, a neurotypical person.

Growing up, not knowing you have ADHD has both positive and negative influences.  Not knowing you're not "normal" means, you think you're just like everyone else. Naturally, you do things to compensate without even knowing why or what those are. In a positive way, you gain skills and ways to get things done that work for you. And the harder you try the more things you learn. I guess another way to say it is...the more effort you put in, the better you become naturally.  

So in effect, you're trying to find your homeostasis or balance between your: mental, physical and emotional state. The problem with this is, it's not exactly "normal".

For lack of a better term, I'm calling this "ADHD normal " or normal for a person with ADHD. And from this type of normal, your homeostasis is different.  A lifetime of learning to adapt is what brings you to the here and now.

So.....

When you start taking a drug ( of any kind ) but specifically for ADHD....it does way more than just hit those targeted areas. It completely shifts your homeostasis to a different one literally overnight or in case of the antidepressants, a month or so later. The net effect may take several months but regardless....you're making a shift from "ADHD normal" to something new.

NOW.....many of those tools you learned to use in your favor, are no longer working for you the same. In my case, the "edge" is gone, and it's more difficult to find motivation at work ( specifically ) because that competitiveness and desire to go faster is just not there as it was. I'm not channeling the anger because the anger isn't there?  And even in terms of the RSD...the need to be "perfect" and above reproach isn't as strong. Thankfully, after 40 years doing what I do, I really don't need that as much because I already own those skills. In other words, that isn't necessarily any more.

But as far a people pleasing in respect to work...whether they like it or not isn't as much of an issue.  I can go down the list and check off each thing, but as far as motivation is concerned....the "new homeostatus" does have a direct effect on where I draw my drives or decisions to do things in respect to work. I don't really care if I'm first or last and I don't really even care if my employer likes it or not. It's easy for me to say because I have more experience than my co-workers but....the overall change is actually making me happier.  I'm more relaxed, and am listening to music again ( while at work ) and if my supervisor thinks I've suddenly developed a bad attitude that's not my problem. I'm still putting out ( almost ) as much work as I was before....within a small percentage change....which is still  more than my co-workers so I'm not worried about my job. I'm also not feeling as burned out and I'm choosing not to work overtime as much. I don't feel like I'm trying to kill myself everyday...which means...I'm bringing home a better person who's not stressed out everyday and completely physically spent.

Anyway. Sorry for the novel but this is not something I hear people talk about but it's extremely important I feel. Finding motivation in the "new normal " after meds....is definitely different from the "ADHD normal" but not without consequences.  And it doesn't happen overnight.  It's a big adjustment with lots of moving parts.

Last thing I wanted to mention about work, which carries over to so many other things. This was a game changer for me that happened years ago...

I was all stressed out about getting all my jobs done and they had loaded me up with too much work. More than was possible for one person to do. I went to one of the mangers I worked with, who had been around for years, and told him I wasn't going to finish and get everyone's work done. I was visibly upset and he could tell.  He looked at me and said:

"Relax, it'll be fine...don't kill yourself over it. No one in the history of the world ever died from not getting their jewelry on time."

In other words...it's not life or death. 

J

Almost a year after divorce it's become normal to be in unsolved conflict with the children's father. I normally don't think of it in the urgent sense, since I've given up hope it will ever resolve. 

Today I contacted a couple of mutual friends. One of them is loyal to my ex but doesn't admit it. They've heard his version of our divorce and talk to him often but haven't wanted to hear my version. Not that I want to talk about it anymore. They still want to be in my life, but not loyal to me, which doesn't make much sense? Especially since I was loyal and supportive to them in their awful divorce some years back.

But the contact with this friend made me painfully aware of how ugly we've left everything. I must take responsibility for it. We left it a mess. I decided I couldn't repair what he's destroyed - trust, to keep it short. I can't forgive him, since he doesn't want forgiveness. But still. It's a smoking ruin, slightly out of sight most days. And our children magically seem to thrive, but when I was reminded of the ruin, I felt bad for not having cleaned it up, letting them live in it.

I'm dedicated to relations. I care very much. It feels shameful to have this blackened pit where life's biggest attempt at love used to be.

Still, sometimes in life I've decided an issue is not mine to deal with. This is one of these times. I broke myself taking initiatives when we were together. I was the only motor of the family. He's now decided to separate from me entirely and tore down the last shreds of trust to make it definite, doesn't care what I think and wants nothing from me (or so he said until it became clear he expected me to arrange family holidays including him and thought he could charm his way back into my house, and that he imagined I'd continue to be sweet and take all initiatives). I didn't ask for this total break. I couldn't imagine he'd manage without support. But he got the clear break, and I cannot ever take initiatives for him again. For children yes, all the time. But not for him.

He hasn't deserved my initiative, and I don't have any more to dish out. I'm out. I'm permanently out as far as he's concerned.

Values clash here and it puzzles me. Ugly conflict, not my style, not my style to leave messes either, rather to exhaust myself to have peace. But the boundaries concerning him are non-negotiable. Really. It's been that bad.

I guess the friend needs to go. At least as a confidante. Maybe will still get invited to parties. And the ruin I can only hope will tomorrow again slide behind the horizon so I don't have to look at it all the time.

How have you all felt about your self worth during and after ADHD marriage?

These days I'm slowly recovering my old self, preferences, self respect, interests. It's been a long journey. For months after divorce I felt like discarded waste. Returning to an - admittedly old and battered - version of the young optimistic me is an emotional and delicate process.

What happened to you? Could you keep important things in your life during the marriage? Have you been able to prioritize yourself in an ADHD family?

I wonder sometimes if I could have done better in preserving myself in the midst of it all. 

It's hard to realize the full extent of having been parasitized by a full-blown case of mental illness while not being appreciated for it. I still hurt with the thought. Perhaps none of us are worth anything. But I intend to live the rest of my life celebrating that people are precious. Even myself, and even if I don't deep down feel it. 

How do you feel about yourselves?

Okay, I know I should be just leaving.  But Mr. ADHD is now trying.  And he's trying so hard, he really is.    But he can't do anything right.  I feel like a jerk telling him all the time, but his efforts are just not good enough.  I am literally in the midst of a panic attack about it right now.  

It's EVERYTHING.  Like, I asked him to run to the store to get baking soda.   We were out because he keeps dumping it on the carpet to kill moths but it should be a baking soda/vinegar combination and we have already discussed that it didn't work, and that is frustrating enough on its own, but I didn't bring that up.  He saw I was looking for it and ran to the store.   Awesome.  Except instead of buying the store brand he bought the expensive refrigerator kind that isn't meant to leave the box and now I have to take the extra step to put it in a bag and label it, and I know it's small, but it's just to illustrate that even the smallest "help" requires so much extra work. 

Today, I'm prepared for the parent-teacher conference he set up and reminded me about (great!), but it's actually two weeks from now.  I planned my work and gym schedule around this. 

Last night we were supposed to meet my mother at 5:30 for dinner at a chain restaurant halfway between our houses to celebrate my son's birthday.   Husband works in the same town as where my mother lives, so he was going to meet us there after work.  We don't often meet at this restaurant, but we always meet her in this shopping district.   We also needed to go to Lowe's, which is not close to our house, but there is one located near this chain restaurant.   Then my mom was going to take our son to the Barnes & Noble to pick out his birthday gift. While chain restaurant and Lowe's are close to each other in every shopping center around the city, there is only one shopping area with a Lowe's, this restaurant, and Barnes and Noble.   This was the plan.   I reminded him multiple times, and I called him at 5:22, and he was at Lowe's.  I was mildly annoyed that he was still there because my mom is always early and makes comments to me if we are late (and we are always late).  They were not supposed to seat us until the entire party was there, but I charmed them at the desk and they let it slide.   Good thing I did.  Because at 5:33, Husband called to say that he went to the wrong location.   Why?  He said he went to the one by the Lowe's.   He was an hour away!  Why would you not go to the restaurant that you literally drive by on the way home?   Why would my traffic-adverse mother drive through the worst traffic district to get to where he was instead of going to the place right off the highway where we literally meet all the time?  

Tomorrow we have to meet with someone about this legal thing.  We already met with said person, but Husband filled out the paperwork with all the wrong dates and we look like total idiots and have to redo it.  This meeting was supposed to be last week, but I expressed feelings about being expected to clean the house on my own for this last-minute meeting, so he rescheduled it for this week (but didn't tell me until after I had cleaned the house in a panic), and he rescheduled it at the exact same time I have an appointment for the kid that I can't cancel.  

And he is still not talking about our relationship. He is supposed to be living with his mother, but he's moved back in, and is still living out of his suitcase. I told him that he was not bringing his stuff back until he had an actual discussion about it.  Well, his mother is moving to a home in two weeks and he's going to have to move his stuff somewhere. I don't know where he thinks he's going to move it, but he's not going to move it here and a last-minute discussion while the moving truck is outside is not going to cut it.  Oh my God.  I just realized.  He told me he was taking the kids to his mom's house on Friday.  I'll bet he thinks that is enough of a discussion to move his stuff back.   It's not.     He has stopped going to therapy, because "he can do everything he was learning on his own."   But he's not doing that.   The stress of doing all of this is just too much.