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I've been married to my adhd partner for 3 months now. My husband is a wonderful guy. He's so bright, intelligent, and fun. He's also almost completely irresponsible and (unknowingly) self-absorbed. I guess I could say our marriage is fairly typical of an ADHD marriage. He holds few household responsibilities (I do ALL the cooking - he refuses, I do 95% of the cleaning, I remind him to pay bills, etc), ignores problems then stonewalls me when I bring them up, and has this amazing way of turning me into the evil shrew wife whenever something goes wrong. He is partially treated.

And my husband is the non.  However, I often find myself identifying with the non ADHD wives in their rants about nothing being done.  So often, I am the one expected to organize and arrange everything.  DH comes up with brilliant ideas, then expects me to be the one to enforce them.  I try to arrange chore schedules, but by midweek, I am doing everything while he plays on the computer all day and I work outside the home full time.

So my hubby was supposed to get done with his overnight DJ gig at 4 this morning, but he wasn't home when I got up at 6:30am. I usually call him, fairly furious,  but I just didn't have the energy this morning. He called a few times before I left for work at 7am, but I didn't take any of them until I was on the road. I was angry when I finally answered the phone. I was doing that fake cheerful, I'm-not-going-to-let-this-get-to-me-when-it-really-has-already-got-to-me thing. The hubby is pretty perceptive and picked up on it right away.

My husband and I have been married for almost five years now. Ever since we got married our relationship has been rocky. He has always threaten to end the marriage and divorce me at least 4 times a year or more. He has high expectation for me and I always seem to fail him. I know I am not suppose to lie but I sometimes do with him because I feel like everything I say to him he does not like. I have hard communicating to him every little thing to him. If I withhold any information or detail from him he considers it a lie. I do not have the best memory and tend to forget a lot.

I didn't mean for this to be so long... sorry!

I am coming to understand more and more about this ADD with my DH.  It is not so much the condition itself but his particular coping with it.  His main objectives seem to be to avoid vunlerability and to amuse (divert?) himself.  When bravado (or divahood) and manipulation are mixed with ADD, an unsuspecting non-ADD spouse is crushed. If he would let me in, in a spirit of vulnerability and connecting, I would have a chance to love him for his efforts toward connecting with me. As it is, I am afraid of his ability and willingness to hurt me.

Is this something my fellow "non"s have experienced?:

We (I and my ADHD spouse) have been dealing with a volatile issue-money(go figure). Since this, and let's be honest, sometimes when we are doing ok, I reach out and...nothing(he's not there/doesn't want to talk). Then, he brings up a touchy subject, I respond, I ask for a response and...nothing. I do not hear back from him, until muuuch later, and then it is almost like it never happened. I start to wonder if I am crazy...?

The difficulty I am having is this:  I don't know what DH is doing with his life, with our money, with his business, how he feels, who he is.  He could be depressed or going crazy or having an affair or he could be fine with his coping skills and "leave me alone" attitude. I don't know because he manipulates me with lies and distraction but does not share him self with me.  I feel like a fool and I am lonely for real companionship and partnering in life rather than this battle.  

This post is part rant, part seeking help and ideas.

I am the non and hubs is untreated. Our 5 years together have been a struggle. He is a wonderful man but his impulsivity both in spending and behavior has been a problem. It is much better over the last few years than it was in the beginning. His lack of parenting to his children has created some difficult situations. His lack of attention to cleaning up after himself has been an expensive problem.